When I leave him alone now, he starts calling me on my cell or calls our kids to take him to be with me. This just started. When I went to the eye Dr. today, he called one, then another. I wrote out where I would be, but I guess he did not read that. This just started. I always offer him the option to come with me and when he declines this happens. He can be difficult in doctors offices when we have to wait and he gets very impatient. Also, wherever we go he has to find a rest room. When we were at the library this week, I found him a chair and looked in the stacks for a book, I looked up and there he was, at my side. This is really getting to me. I know I am his safety and he needs me. Ijust need some space. I am looking at day programs, but I'm not sure he will go.
Mary, I am sorry you are dealing with this situation of 'shadowing'...it can be so difficult. You may indeed have to check into day-programs, and/or get someone to come in to stay with your DH while you are away at appointments, etc. Either way it will be an adjustment, but one that you CAN work through...Hopefully your DH will be able to as well. I have done both, the "at home person" when DH was unwilling and not yet far-enough along to go the day-program route, and now, the day program is what works best. Not sure how far along you DH is, but hopefully you can talk to him and explain that you will be having someone come into the house for "just a few minutes" to help you with things around the house while you are away...that fiblet might work better than "they are here to take care of you"...Getting "away" is soooo important to your sanity!! You are right, you DO need some space!! I hope you are able to work this out! Pulling for you, D.
I have a similar question/problem? How long can you leave them alone safely? So far my DH is okay when I leave him for 2 hours or so. I am reluctant to leave him much longer. However, it is obvious that he is declining (not on a plateau at this time). I have my cell phone number written on a 4 X 6 that he can use to call me. He has only done this once. (He never got used to cell phones and is not always sure how to use it).
We are working through this now as well. DH won't WAIT anywhere or stay in one place. He is extremely social and in my heart I know he would benefit from a day program but the only one is 40 miles away. Our local nursing home isn't 'set up' for having daycare. They also aren't prepared to have him come 'volunteer'. AND he wouldn't agree to GO to 'daycare' unless we called it something else. (?)
We have started with home care through the HOME INSTEAD agency. The person is coming to 'help' me with housework. DH likes her. She comes twice a week. However, when I extended her hours to a full day this week.. she told me that DH at one point told her she could "LEAVE NOW"..he thought she had done enough and offered to PAY her wages so that she could leave. Thankfully she's on her toes..and told him that I had asked her to finish some things. Tomorrow, I've planned to go out of town with my sister for the weekend. The careperson will be here for the day and our daughter is coming in the early evening to spend the rest of the weekend. It will be a test in a way..He'll know that I'm leaving and that the careperson ('ie.my housekeeper) will be here.. It might be a test of her skill as well. All this to say he's been fine with the short term (3hrs at a time) 'housekeeper'.. He got antsy with the longer day and I was out doing errands and getting groceries for much of that longer day.
This is a complex situation--although there are no firm guidelines, I think there is a relationship between shadowing behavior and safely leaving someone alone. My opinion is that most will actually need supervision before they are ready to emotionally accept it. If the shadowing behavior has begun, it means there is some fear/anxiety about being alone, and whether there are apparent safety issues or not, I would not be comfortable in leaving that person without supervision for any length of time. Think about it, would you leave a child alone who is afraid? So then it's up to the caregiver to figure out how to make in home care or daycare acceptable--using whatever means (therapeutic fibs) that are necessary.
Once the shadowing begins the ansiness,anxieties and attachements to the caregiver come as well. if they cant see or be near the person who most comforts them they may try to LEAVE and go looking for them. that could mean getting into gray areas of danger as going down stairs or to the basement or even outside into the streets.
this was the main area of concern for me during shadowing. if i left and had an aide he would still try to leave to find me. thus keyed dead bolts. theres a physical and emotional need to be near the caregiver and they can go quite nuts if they arent sort of 'weaned' into a new person to shadow.
leaving them alone during this time if they are in this condition will only heighten their anxieties. so take this into mind on how long on times left by themselves. its always best if possible to have someone else stay with for security issues. they can get into trouble in a heartbeat-divvi
My husband is probably at the point where I need to think about this. Up until about a week ago he took long walks (2 hour walks) by himself and came home by himself. I needed to be there when he returned for a whole bunch of reasons, so although I got some respite, I couldn't go out and do stuff on my own. I've left him for under an hour on his own as well. He didn't like it, but it was safe enough.
But I'm thinking that both the walks and my going out might be over. Which is frustrating.
The local Day Care requires that he spend at least 8 days a month with them. The other Day Cares are much further away which means driving issues in the winter time. One of them will do a single day a week. I don't know about the other one. Two days a week is probably too much. Wish they would let me do the single day and then add as needed.
so far, I can still leave my Dh alone for short periods of time. I usually time my excursions during his naps, however, so he'll be waking when I get back (church for example) Now I notice that he gets very nervous if he wakes and I'm not there, even though I leave a note, with a time when I'll be back. I know he reads the note, I just don't know if he understands it. I'm sure this won't last too much longer however. i took him to a day care close by but he didn't like it.... "too many old people" Alrighty then.
I'm right there also. I leave G alone for short bursts, and he will nap while I'm gone, but does call me frequently. One additional problem is our pup...she can't be leaft alone unless in a crate, and I feel quilty leaving her locked up for a long time since she sleeps in a crate at night also. She's darling, but not trustworthy yet to be left without supervision. I starting to check out daycare places, but not having much luck so far. I fear the days of having my nails done are ending..one wee luxury I love, but !!
My DW has forgotten how to use a phone and gets very unhappy when I am gone. She forgets that I told her whereand when I was going someplace and the person that would stay with her. But, when I get home she is really mad at me and it takes a long time to convince her that my absence was good. Went to Dr. or drug store. But she still does not like it. No day care near here but I do have a Helper three days a week for a few hours w/ light housekeeping. She is OIK if someone takes her to the movie but shopping does not interest her anymore. Every time I show her nice pjs or blouses, she says that they are for babies. I just think that there is no way we c an win. But we keep trying!!!! bill
Dh used to get very angry every time I left him, but the Risperdal seems to help a lot. This week he has just said "You were gone a long time" but did not seem agitated or worried. He's not quite at the shadowing stage yet, but hovers once in a while. And he doesn't get into mischief except for eating everything in sight. The neuropsychologist that I talked to at the hospital Tuesday gave me the number of a care consultant to call; she can supposedly help me find a suitable day care center and is herself in charge of one for early onset. I think it's too early, though. Dh hates to be inside all day. What I need is someone to go bicycling with him. But his brother and another friend who lives close enough both say he cycles too fast for them! Tomorrow morning I am going out while our cleaner is here. She is an old friend so I hope it will be OK. I've got to think of something for him to do while I'm gone.
I can leave my DH alone for 2 hours in the mornings - that's his best time. Longer than that he gets agitated and scared that I'm not coming back. I have left him in the afternoon if I had a hair appointment, but I always call 2-3 times while gone. He won't use the phone to call, but will answer it and I can reassure him I'm on my way home. Otherwise, he always wants to go with me. Only not to my hair appointment!
chris, my husband also didn't like day care when I tried him out for 4 hours. He really was not ready at that point, but he might be ready now. I don't know.
My DH goes to a group called "special friends" for 4 hours every Thursday - not exactly a day care but maybe a precursor? It is set up for ALZ patients (early to mid stage). There is one volunteer for each patient. They always have special activities - music, exercise, times to socialize. He is not thrilled but will go. I remind him that both of his doctors have said that he NEEDS socializing opportunities that do not involve me. The group provides lunch, takes lots of photos - he always comes back with a new photo. Today when he resisted, I tried a new angle - I suggested that he try to help someone else? Also, I suggested that some of the folks might need a friend and could he provide friendship? He was fairly receptive to this. His oldest son is visiting (whom he has not had real contact since last December). It is heartbreaking to see that he really does not recognize his son! Oldest son accompanied his Dad to the special friends group. This has been a week of coming to reality for the son, since up until now he has been saying that "Dad seems to be just fine" ..... Anyway - it was suggested to me that DH get in some kind of group - sooner rather than later - I am hoping that this will become part of his routine and he will accept it better has time goes on.
In the earlier stages I would leave Lynn home for an hour or two tops. When he started calling me over and over and over, that is when I knew I couldn't leave him home alone any more. It was still safe to leave him home alone, but I agree with Divvi, I was too afraid he would come looking for me. I didn't like the thought of him being afraid and alone. Poor bugger.
I am not sure if it has been the same for others? but for us, it wasn't long after the severe shadowing, that he could not be left alone even for 5 minutes. He started a fire in the few minutes I was outside hanging out clothes! I think if one pays attention to the signs, like leaving the water running, putting paper plates on burners, metal in the microwave, etc etc, one will know when it isn't safe to leave them alone any longer.
I was never able to get help to come in and watch Lynn or bathe him etc etc, I waited too long. It will never be a good time for us or our LO, but I do have to say I wish I had tried earlier.
You start out with them being able to stay at home all day while you are at work.
Then, one day you come home from work and notice the weiner still in the microwave, cooked too long, stale bread on the cabinet, mustard left out; the next day the sandwich was made but left on the counter; you prepare his lunch and leave it for him, and come home (even after calling him and having him hold it in his hands while you are on the phone) and find it on the counter! That was the point that I started going home at lunch to fix it and make certain he ate and drank a glass of tea/water. That stage lasted about 6 months.
He began to go outside even in the rain to sit down and pull weeds out of the garden, and at that point, we knew we had to have someone with him full time.
Now, if he has the strength to get to the bathroom by himself (most of the time he needs to hold my hand for balance), if he has a glass in his hand, he'll put it in the trash can; if he has the newspaper (which he can't read!) in his hand, he'll try to put it in the toilet. Therefore WE shadow HIM now.....I lost two of my good glasses before we figured out what had happened and started watching him!!! He is not left alone at all now.
Nikki's comment about leaving the water running reminds me of a situation that occured last week. DW and I were in bed, asleep. It was about 11 PM. I heard a knocking on the door, then heard female voices in our living room. I went out to see who was there and found 2 women in the living room. At first I did not recognize them. Then realized they were the CNA's from the Assisted Living area below us. Seems someone had left the water running in the sink, which had the stopper in, and it was going into the apartment below us. Who left it running? I have to admit that I was the guilty party. I had put a couple of dishes in the sink to soak, turned on the water, and gone out to help DW with something. I completely forgot about the sink and we went to bed. Maybe I shouldn't be left alone!!!!!:-)
I had talked to the director of a program at a local church. She told me it is more of a "Club" and not a day care and they run from 9 to 1 three days a week. They have room now. I was thinking about one morning a a week and had her send me some information. When I presented it to him he got upset and asked why was it for him and not for us. Where was I going to go. I explained that sometimes I would be at a doctor's appointment or exercising. Then he said he could walk to the Y by himself. He can walk to the Y but never does. He only goes if I go. I will try with this later, but he is not happy about even trying it. Maybe, I did wait too long. I took him with me to Talbot 's today and as soon as we got there he needed to use the restroom. I took him to the only I know about and it was marked Women. He said, no, not this one. I made him use it anyway, since I think it is the only one. I really need a break.
Mary, you describe the situation very well. I think I will certainly know when dh cannot be left alone.
Maryd, this is my problem as well, he's not going to be interested in going anywhere without me. But at a given moment you can't wait for him to agree but will have to push it through nonetheless. For me I think the time will be when he can no longer ride a bike.
my husband is fine alone,but refuses to stayhome for evev a few hours.always has to go with me,has anxiety disorder that something will happen to me.refuses to have anyone stay with him eventhe grandchildren,says he isnot a baby who needs a sitter,doesn't seem to understand that i need some space.well,i need to have surgery over the Xmas holidays,he says he can handle it.which he probably be ok except for caring for the dog{hyper,hyper,hyper}She doesn't listen to him at all.he likes her being bad,putting her in a kennel is out of the question.It's strange,I look forward to the hospital if for nothing else but a break,weird,huh?
Pictures help so much. I've had almost zero anxiety about my being away for even a short time since I took pictures of everywhere I go, including places here in the retirement center where we live.....the pool, library, etc. and mounted each one on cardboard with a strint attached to hang on a hook on the inside of the front door. I even have pictures of the grocery store, Target, the mall. They're all labeled too. The shadowing around the grounds here has stopped. Namenda seems to have helped too
I haven't been able to leave Clyde alone for quite some time now, and we were fortunate that we were able to work gradually into the respite care. At first I had a family member or close friend just "happen to stop by" and while they were here I would "suddenly realize" that I had to go run an errand or whatever, and tell Clyde that the person was just going to hang out with him while I was gone. Once we worked into the Home Instead respite worker I would tell him that it was a friend of mine and would hang out with him while I went shopping. It now works out great, but even now I don't tell him it is to "watch" him. I just tell him that the friend is here to hang out with him.
Gmaewok, What a good idea! I have to get someone in for respite now (I really have tried to go it alone but I realize now it isn't physically possible, and he's doing things that are kind of weird now. I've gone through 2 terrible days. Tomorrow I will make arrangements for help with housework and hopefully it will turn into respite care. I really need it....
Wow,I've finally got a break.My grand daughter came home from college for a couple days and she and I went shopping and lunch yesterday.My husband was fine with it.And today he said he'd rather stay home while I went and opened our antique shop,my daughter and grand daughter came to help me and we had a really good time together.Since it was a big weekend lots of old customers came in,was a great day.Hopefully it started a new trend,and he'll realize he can be alone and I will come back.When he was little his mother always threatened to go away and not come back if he wasn't good and I don't know if that memory come back to him now.
My hb shadows when we go out and at home wants to know where I am. I quit my part-time job because he can't be trusted not to get into some kind of trouble--leave a burner on, leave a door open, leave water running. He's 5 years old; would I leave a 5 yr old child home alone? Nope; so....
I have convinced my DH to go to his 'morning program'. He started at one day a week and two weeks ago I increased it to two days. He goes from 9 until 1 and has a cooked lunch. It is a good thing for both of us. I told him I can't be the only one he sees everyday. Our social life is nothing. Our kids visit, but only for short periods, rarely more than half an hour. Today we leave for the beach where we will be with our two daughters, their husbands and 5 grandchildren, ages 12 to 19. I hope it works out. The kids are good with their granddad.
.I've been extremely lucky with DH. I can't leave him alone so I have someone come in twice a week, 4 hours each day. She is young..25-26..just a little older than our grandchildren. He really likes her and she is so good with him. One thing I've noticed that really pleases him is that when she leaves, she always touches his hand and says "I'll see you again on Friday" or whatever day she will return. His eyesight is really bad (he has Posterior Cortical Atrophy) and she makes sure he know where she is...I'm so thankful we have her and that he accepts her being here so that I can get away for a little while.
My husband was here with an aide and I was out. We were having a new heating and A/C system put in--it took 3 days. When I came home, the aide said he went up to one of the workmen and said "You can leave now." Fortunately, the young man stayed on the job! Reading the post above that someone else's spouse did the same thing made me smile. Usually I tell workers in the house about the AD, in case something like that happens, but that time I hadn't.
My husband never wanted to go to day care but I had to take him anyway as I desperately needed a little time to myself. I always felt guilty but had to get a little breathing space. so do what you have to do as you must stay healthy for him this is a long fatiguing journey you are on. Also when the shadowing begins, in my judgement, your dh cannot be left alone any longer . HE is no longer able to function rationally and must be protected. I know sometimes this creates an almost untenable situation but perhaps you can get someone to sit for a few hours w hile you do yo ur necessary business. YOu are a prisoner also ; I have been there and done that so I completely emphathize with you.
ebvh123 as long as you are with us you will never be alone. If you see a * after any names it means our struggles are over-but the grief is still with us.
Elaine, check back to the "Welcome New Members" discussion (it is a "sticky" so will be near the top) and see some welcome messages in response to your post! If it has a darker color than other discussions it means there are new messages that you haven't seen yet.