I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog about loss of intimacy in dealing with AD.
I have always held to the belief that this is a place of comfort to discuss issues that no one but a spouse would understand, and today's blog is an illustration of that belief. However, I must add a word of caution - Please discuss this issue with respect and dignity. I have a contract with my host server and advertisers - I can be shut down if the content is inappropriate, i.e. extremely graphic and/or detailed. We are all intelligent enough to discuss this very important issue without a problem.
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly why I went through my Errol Flynn phase a couple years ago. I needed a safe crush.
Actually, more than anything, I want someone to talk to who finds me interesting, likes to hear what I have to say, and reciprocates. All gone, that. I would take an emotional affair, were one available, just to fill that spot.
My DH was always enthralled with anything I wrote, showed it to people, read it to them, it was embarrassing. Sometimes I think it wasn't so great, but he liked it--gave him pride. He'd take my needpoint work, examine each stitch, marvel how it could be so small and there were so many. He'd examine the back as if it held some sort of clue as to how it was so beautifully done. Anyone can do needlepoint, I'd tell him--small children do it. No great mystery, but still he never failed to admire it. Writing is just arranging your thoughts on paper instead of speaking them, it's just telling a story, I'd explain, but he thought it was wonderful. Yes, I know there are people who struggle to do what others find easy by nature--just like I cannot, simply cannot cook, yet most of the world does it with ease. Only yesterday I blew up a pot of boiled eggs, scattered all over the place--what a mess! Why can't I cook? DH told everyone that if we lost the can opener, we'd all starve to death! And that life-long failing on my part was also part of our intimacy.
I agree with what Joan says, except for the idea that one can always find a willing partner somewhere. Not that I am looking, but it seems to me that's a lot easier said than done. Where do you find someone? The only way I see is to pay for one, and that's not any kind of risk I care to take. Better to do without. Just another loss we have until we find a new soul-mate. Or, a very close friend with benefits.
Early on in our relationship, DH would pointedly react to seeing a "cute chic" walking by, then glance at me to see my reaction. I knew he was testing, and told him, "Look all you want, but you bring the benefits home." At a later point when we were having some problems (I think all marriages go through some), I cautioned him to be very careful of his choices, because "I don't share." Now with advanced VaD running the show,the tables are turned. There is nothng left of our intimate relationship, and it's been gone a long time. He doesn't look. There are no benefits. I don't have to worry about sharing. But also, I feel bound to respect what we had, so I don't "look", and don't share "benefits" anywhere, and don't expect him to "share" (even if he is unaware). Oh, but someday, I so hope in my AFTER, to have that connection again. The caring, sharing, closeness that gets you through the hard days, sad days, happy days. The laughs and tears and inside jokes...so much to miss.
TJ....I agree with you....finding a willing partner is very very difficult for a man....probablhy a bit easier for a woman...What do you do?? Walk up to a woman and say "Hi..my wife has eoad, want to get intimate?? I m doing a lot of thinking about this subject, and will shock the net when I post my response. Stand by for another stupid phranque response.Meanwhile, I think I will google "women who want to get intimate with eoad husbands" and see what turns up...and Joe, I will send you the interesting links.......Yikes...forget it Joe...do not even try that google search...I think I caught a virus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK...I have it figured out. Getting intimate is like buying a lotto ticket. The odds of being lucky are incredible, and after a while, I stop even buying a ticket because I know I will not win. Sure the jackpot seems real nice, but the odds of winning are astronomical. And, I get to keep $1.00 in my pocket.
I think the men on our site here are the ones that, for the most part, would have a harder time with an affair as long as the LO is still alive. If it would be so easy for them, I don't think you guys would be here looking for support and the help to make life the best for their wife. Looking for support for men is one more step - a giant step since it is not the 'manly' thing to do. You guys are sensitive, caring and willing to go that extra step for you wife. Now, when they are to the point of not knowing anyone, totally dependent and in the end stages, I have seen even the most dedicated man look for friendship/companionship. I see nothing wrong at this point. We each do what we can live with, what our heart allows us to do. This is just my opinion.
I think it is harder for a guy too, as far as having another relationship. Why would a woman want a relationship with a guy who is still committed to another woman and all the baggage associated there in. The issue is the caregiver is loosing many facets of the relationship and they want and need to replace it. How do you do that without hurting the sick mate. Do you wait till they are totally unaware of what is going on? How long do you have to live in this mode of not being fufilled by your mate. The ideal situation would be to have a relationship on the side that would be understanding of the situation, but I think that is nearly impossible to find. Why would anyone who is rational want to enter into that relationship?
I don't think it's any easier for a woman. I'm desperately lonely for companionship, someone to talk to as only couples can, someone to look at the way that couples do, and someone to snuggle with who really cares about ME. As men age, are they less interested in the "friends with benefits thing" or an exclusive, safe, loving relationship? I'm not sure. I know I could not do the friends with benefits thing, I know it would leave me feeling worse after than I did before. I suppose like so many of the unique situations this horrid disease puts us in, this would also be a very individual choice.
Loneliness. Yearning. Longings. Desire. I remember those feelings. Venice Christmas 2005. I remember walking the decorated streets with Dh Christmas Eve with surprising tears running down my face - he oblivious to my despair - feeling lonely as I've ever felt but not sure what the problem was. It wasn't until first of 2007 that I learned that my loneliness was due mostly to the effects of this disease which had changed our relationship years before diagnosis. 2006 I used those desires to fuel self fulfillment in creative endeavors and in concentrating on me that year I got into the best physical health I'd ever been in.
Now I almost miss those yearning feelings. "Absence of desire" usually means depression for me. Now my desires are for order, peace, and to get to spend a few days out of the year with my grandchild.
I wish I could see a life beyond this disease. I just turned 58 but feel very old and my only goal right now is to survive until the end of DH's journey.
I feel lonely, sad, depressed, sometimes I feel as if it will go away but I know it won't. My DH and I are soul mates and I truly miss what we had. We have only been married almost nine years. Thinking about the good times helps some time but I want my DH back and I know that will not happen.
When I go to bed I am thinking about my DH and the struggles with AD and when I wake up - POW,all the worries hit me again over the head. So far, my DH is mild tempered, sometimes a little affectionate, often depressed, and mostly VERY confused. The emotional connection has been gone for quite some time. He is still ready and willing for intimacy but I have more difficulty now since he is like a stranger to me in so many ways. Without the emotional connection - how can one have intimacy? At least that is how I feel.
I have to admit that I would find a man who cared so deeply for his wife very attractive. Would I want to jump into a relationship......no, but I would find that type of man very........something.......LOL
How I miss just a hug or a body next to me at night........The nights are the most difficult time. It is the time you mind wanders and you then know that your spouse is no longer there...........----Remember when you would have an disagreement, but at least he/she was next to you at night. Eventhough we've had our share of problems in our marriage, we always made up. That's what I miss......
Sometimes they're perceptive about things you really don't want them to notice. We were driving along one day recently, and Gordon Lightfoot, on the radio, is singing "...I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back..." and Jeff says, "That's us." I replied, though I don't think he noticed, "Yes, I know what went wrong, but we didn't do it," then drove along with tears (which he never notices) as Gordon sang "...you won't read that book again because the ending's just too hard to take..." Very true Gordon, I thought. I won't.
I tell kathryn I love her every night before we go to sleep and she always repeats it back to me. I am not sure if she really feels it or not, but I know she would mean it if she didn't have ALZ. I still love her and would not look for Sexual activity with another but it would be nice just to be able to sit down once in a while to have dinner with someone and just talk openly without having to worry about it going any further. Just as a freind. A welcome hug would be nice. It wouldn't even need to be one on one. It could be a group dinner somewhere I could talk opnely about Kaathryn and ALZ with others with the same concerns.
Yes, this is another thing to mourn. That companionship that was complete with just the two of you—the eyes meeting across a crowded room, the private jokes, the cheering each other on, all your history together that nobody else knows. Eventually you also mourn the loss of the romantic/physical relationship that was so important between you. The heartache you feel when your spouse no longer remembers the first time you made love—or the last time—is hard to even express. I feel like I’m losing little pieces of me right along with my husband. For so long I have been part of a “we”, and now I’m almost down to just a “me”.
Sometimes it seems like the theme of being a caregiver is “doing without”. Doing without companionship, without conversation, without love, without understanding friends, without meeting your own needs of any kind. True intimacy, emotional and physical, is just another thing on that long list of things to do without. What a truly horrible disease this is.
The emotional and mental intimacy is gone almost all the time, except for brief flashes. However by DH still wants physical intimacy so this is what we worked out. Cialis no longer works, even though he is not on any meds at all. So 'traditional' sex is out and has been for about a year. Luckily, due his ED issues over the last 10 yr, we had developed alternative methods of satisfaction. I cannot 'be the wife' in the evenings, but on Saturday mornings, before we get into the day, I can 'remember the DH I married' and participate in mutually satisfying sexual activities. We had always 'before' had sex (of some sort) every evening at bed time. I cannot switch gears now from caregiver to wfe so...this will sound bizarre, but it works for both of us...When we go to bed I read my storybook to decompress. While I am reading, DH fondles me to his heart's content (first base with a little second base) and I pretend to 'come' every now and again. It SOUNDS way weirder than it really is. I consider this part of 'caring for a need of my DH.' And when that's gone on about 15 minutes I tell DH "Now I need to go to sleep and so do you. I love you. Good night." Sometimes then he will lay with his head on my chest a few minutes and I rub his back like I used to do with my kids. Most often he just turns over and goes to sleep. Rarely when I do not read but need to go to sleep directly, DH is good about 'not tonight.' He does not force himself on me and always asks. His movements are similar to 'before' but he has trouble finding the right spot(s) so I either help him or just pretend he 'found it' and we all are either satisfied or at least OK with the situation. I talked to my counselor about this and her reaction: whatever you two are comfortable with and it works for you both.
It is so ironic that while I am interested and function normally, my DW has regressed to her virginous childhood and therefore I "don't get no satisfaction" as the song says. I envisioned retirement as every day chasing her around the house naked...so much for that fantasy. Yep, this is really the pits, isn't it?
Libby- first base? second base? I don't get it. Actually, I was never good at baseball. All I ever did was strike out....guess sex must be like baseball...
About 20 years ago DH started having problems and ED has been a fact of our marriage for the last 10 years. ABout 9 years ago he finally mentioned it to the doctor who gave him Viagra which did nothing. Later he tried Cialis and had no luck. Our marriage was over in 1985 when I found out about his 'affair' with the teenager but I stuck with him I thought due to our vows. Long story but after counseling in the 90s, I still chose to stay. But there is little intimacy. As I have for years I can force myself to cuddle. Today, I forget what started it, but I said i could count on one hand the number of times the last 38 years he has complemented me on how I look or my hair after getting it cut. I told him I haven't pushed it because I knew I could never measure up to Mary's body (the teenager). He said "you were pretty when we got married but (to cover his butt) as "we" get old we get ugly" then went to the shop. Needless to say my day was ruined. This is what he has thought for years but never said. In the past he would avoid and change the subject.
I was mentioning to my sister about him forgetting something, again, and she said 'just be patient'. I said, 'I know - it will only get worse'. And then she said, 'then you will miss him and wish for it to be back'. I don't think I will miss him that much. I look at it as finally having my freedom. Free to maybe find someone who will really love me and I will feel safe to love back, and have emotional and physical intimacy with.
I want to be careful saying what I would or would not do. We are in the middle stages of this adventure, and are still intimate, but not always mentally. I do have other women friends, though none remotely sexual, at least at this point.
That loss of an equal partner who has always been there, and the gaining of another dependent is what has gotten to me of late. I make all of the decisions, and if they are not of her liking, consulting with her makes no sense. Instead I have to be devious or push ahead.