Lately, I have been recleiving offers from some of our neigbors and friends to help me. Some have come by and stayed with Carol for several hours while I go places. Lately, I have had two ladies ask if I could use home cooked meals. I have never felt comfortable with the many offers of "Let me know if I can help you! or Call me if you need anything." But now I am beginning to feel that it would be good for me to accept some offers. Especially for meals or suggest that they take Carol out to eat and let me just stay home and have some peaceful time. I don't like to have to call and ask for it directly but they don't often offer anything specific. But the food offers needs a response from me and it is sounding like a good idea. I have a Helper that comes by 3 days a week and she cooks some lunch on those days. But dinner is usually up to me and are usually sandwhichs or frozen dinners (which are very good!!!)
Anybody got any suggestions of how I can comfortably accept or pursue some of their offers???? bill
You should keep aware that some widows or single ladies see a "in the door situation" where a man may be available in the near future. I know a couple gents who were later rewed to ladies bearing gifts. I have dropped off food to homes. It would be nice if a relative of yours would co-ordinate something with some of the volunteers. Difficult situation to handle. Good Luck.
Bill they may also just be good intentioned neighbors trying to be helpful. by all means, let them know some frozen homeade tv dinners would be excellent as you can manage those best for dinner later.
some ladies just love to cook and having someone appreciate the food is heartwarming and gives them things to do. they see you are a decent andloving husband and are offering their support. i say take it and thank them profusely! divvi
Bill, Like divvi said, they may be just good intentioned neighbors & friends after nothing, just wanting to help. I would gladly accept their help. I wish I had neighbors & friends willing to come sit with my husband for a couple hours.
Bill, never say no to help!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what the intentions of the bearer. A very polite "yes thank you that would be nice "is sufficent. IF they offer to take Carol, say" yes, how gracious, would (Monday or what ever day) work into your schedule??" Take all the help you can get. Some times the offers are few and far between.... most people just want to help but do not know what you need specifically. You will have to be more specific about your needs. If you have a church home you might even ask about making a list of things or days that you need a break and having a sign up sheet available.
There is a discussion of web sites for scheduling help at http://www.fullcirclecare.org/needhelp/volhelp.html. I can't imagine how to use it in our more diffuse situation but it might be of use to someone.
On a previous thread we were advised to accept help when offered. The problem is when someone says "if you need any help, let me know". You don't know what help to ask for. Last year a woman in our church offered to take DW while I went to an evening meeting. She has been doing that every month since then. It's hard to know what to ask for if you don't know the interests or skills of the person offering. So if someone offers to bring you a cassorole 1 or 2 days a week, accept with thanks.
Bill...I agree with you. At first I didn't know how to respond to spur of the moment offers of help. Now I brightly say 'thanks, I'll take you up on that so don't be surprised when I call." Now my friends know I'm taking their offers of help seriously and they're not caught off guard when I call. If you don't let people help you from time to time they'll assume you're doing fine and the offers will dwindle. I've learned from this myself. If I have a friend in need I don't just offer help once. I now follow up with a phone call now and then to let them know I'm available. cs
It is not specific offers for help that bother me. It is those who say, let me know if they can help. I feel uncomvrotable about naming a selfish need like dinner from them. Do they really mean that they want to help in a significant way or just being polite. The lady with the specific offer of a meal, I have responded to her in the positive. I just hesitate to name respite or meals as a need that I would appreciate their help. Does that make sense. bill
I think some people say things like give me a call if you need anything, but they really are hoping you do not call. I had someone who would take my wife out shopping for a girls day out and give me a break. Once she figured out that I was not interested in having a relationship with her on the side, she quit offering to help
For the unspecified offers of help. Keep a "Do LIST", "Wish List", whatever you want to call it. Offer it with comment like, "I'm not sure what you have in mind, but here's a list of stuff I haven't got to yet. Take a look and see what strikes your fancy." That way, you're not trying to figure out who might be willing to do what, and you just might get some of those thins done.
I have had offers for help from next door neighbours. The nice thing is that they specified what they could do, ie take my husband out for a walk and coffee to let me have the house to myself or stay with him while I go out. I have not taken up their kind offer as yet but feel that I could do it if necessary, My problem is that my husband is adamant that no one is coming to stay with him, yet he gets very agitated if I leave him alone and I no longer feel good about that. I have to go to a funeral this week and the friend who is taking me said her husband would be glad to stay with my husband. I'm thinking of saying that her husband loved his trip to Italy and would be interested in seeing the photos of our trips and hear more about Italy. He has met my friend's husband once but that was a long time ago and he won't remember him. Anyone have any other ideas?
It's so much harder to accept help than to give it. I really enjoy doing things to help others out, but often don't know exactly what's needed. I think when someone offers, it's good to give them the benefit of the doubt, accept that they mean it or they wouldn't have offered, and suggest two or three things that would be useful to you. Something like, "Thanks, I appreciate that. It would be so great to have someone come in and stay with DH for an hour, or pick up groceries for me while they're out, or take DH out for lunch." That way you've given enough clues that they can respond if the offer is sincere.
Bill, would it be possible to have them co-ordinate through your church if you are uncomfortable with directly? I know most churches have a committee that organizes meals for various reasons. You could look at it this way: if your refuse, you could be depriving them of a blessing. I know it is a hard call. Only you know if they are women 'on the hunt' or truly sincere with no motive other than to be a blessing.
Bill, graciously accept the help, dinners, whatever, return the plate with a chocolate and a note of thanks. If anyone offers "more", decline politely and be flattered, :o)
Billed..DO NOT under any circumstances accept any meals or help from these people. Please give them directions to my house or have them contact me and I will handle the problem for you. I know you feel awkward in accepting help, and I think I can help you out by redirecting their attention. The meals could be dangerous, so it is important that you fedex them overnight to my testing lab to rule out potential hazards. Also, if they need someone to sit for, or just someone to take out, I can gladly provide you with someone, or if they prefer we can provide them with wonderful accomodations if they prefer to travel. Of course, all this is free of charge and of no cost to you at all. So pack up those meals and email me for the shipping address...we guarantee quick analysis and often, testing may take up to 6 mos. or more...
Frank, welcome back. Maybe it is just my browsing but I have not read your thoughts lately. You always bring a subject to a delightful view. So fark, the only meals I have received or some leftovers from my daughter. But thank goodness for frozen dinners. They are sure better than my cooking. Thanks for your kind offer. I'll check into the shipping status. bill
Bill - save the pans from the frozen dinners then either you can put the meals in them and freeze, or they can. My aunts use to stock my grandmother's freezer with homemade frozen dinners so she would eat healthier.
As I seem to recall, you guys got together here because you were lonesome for female company! Now we shouldn't go trying to DISCOURAGE you!! So glad to see you back in form, Frank!!
Biill, I find that our local Luby Cafeteria offers LuAnn Platters and I often buy four dinners (which cost about $6.00 each).. Meat, two veggies, fresh roll.. and that takes care of 4 meals. (My dog adores the fried fish..he thinks he's a CAT!)
Black Eye Pea and Cracker Barrel also offer HUGE to go dinners, and we enjoy them as well. Always buy for two days when you buy take out. So much better than TV Dinners, but I'll admit, I love Marie Calendar's Dinners and Pot Pies.
My husband is gradually to the point that he will eat most anything I give him, as long as it is not "complicated" and can be eaten with his fingers. I can usually select something he likes and something else more heart healthy for me. As Lois often says, it's just as cheap to order some of these meals with the Senior Discount as it is to prepare them... and what a time saver!
I still think we need to build a self-contained community. Then we could all take care of each other. A Geriatric Payton Place, lol! With some really good meals, lol!
Some of my neighbors have taken my husband out to lunch to give me some respite. The man who was organizing it got tired, so the regular lunches have stopped, but there are several people who will help me in this way when I really need it.
Right now I'm not doing much cooking because my husband wants to go out to lunch almost every day. But I'd take cooked meals if someone offered them to me as well.
Let them help you now and you will survive this journey a lot longer.
LOL to Phranque! You are so darn funny!! I think Carosi had a great idea about keeping a list handy of things you need...if someone comes by, you can go GET THE LIST and let them look at it...if someone calls, say "let me look at my list I keep handy in case I get offers for help" and then read it so they can "choose" something to help with. It leaves YOU in control, Bill, and, also offers them options. People really do want to help, but so many times they don't know WHAT we need...some are better than others about coming up with their own ideas (offering to sit or take spouse, offering to bring/cook a meal)...if you have a list, it helps BOTH of you :) Hope you get help you NEED!!
I just got a call today about my husband going out to lunch. I dealt with it by saying, yes, thank you.
I think all of us need to learn to say "yes" when someone offers us help. I think it is the most important thing we can do to take care of ourselves. I don't have a list, but I know I ought to have one. I do have someone I can call for really weird things. In my case really weird things included learning how to use a car wash.
Carosi. A Help List sounds like a great idea. I might even post in on Carol's Blog. Then I can add to it, but not sure how many of my friends actually read it. I have a card telling people to look at http:\\howiscarolldoing.blogspot.com for a list of some help I would appreciate. Will keep you posted.
Susan, a community sounds interesting. How would you do something like that> We live in a community that has a lot of Seniors but I think we are the only couple with A.D. But all Srs might like something like a Sr Community ???? bill
I'm porne to say, "Oh you don't have to do that!, Or "I'm fine!" or Please don't worry" or "I understand" or "It's Okay!" or "I am sorry I asked,"....
When I too wish I had a list. Let's come up with things for the list. Begin with "Personal Visits and Good Conversation", "Sitting with ____________ when I need to run errands", ..."Love your "____________ casserole. When you make it the next time, we'd love it if you made a little extra to share! (grin)..... Toss the newspapertoward the door during inclement weather, Fix the hole in the fence where Tigger gets out"..
For the first time today I asked someone for help when she had not offered. I was standing in line for a buffet, my wife still sitting at our table. I was to get her food. Another couple that we know superficially were standing in line with me. I asked her to sit with my wife while I got the food and her husband could get her food. She immediately went to the table and started talking with my wife. When I got back with our food she joined her husband in the line to see if he got the right things. This is the same woman who accompanied us to the emergency room in Quebec last year to translate for us when my wife cut her forehead. I have found people are willing to help as long as they are given a specific task.
NancyB--You've got the idea. Add: have the supplies, need the backdoor screen replaced. Last 1 or 2 mowings and Fall clean up the yard--manpower needed If you're headed for the store or pharmacy, check if we need anything picked up. Need a package mailed. Whichever service you attend at church, could you sit with LO so I can attend the other?
Just jot on the list as things crop up.
My exoperience is that the odds and ends list is endless.
I love the MAIL THE PACKAGE and sit with DH during the time you DON"T go to church service. GREAT idea. We have tools, but try as I may, I can't get them to jump out of the box and fix things. Have had a handiman/touch up guy in the house this week. Little leak around the set in windowpane that caused the paint to bubble. ooops, gotta fix that.
Seriously, we need to make a list and keep it handy...Then when someone asks "How can I help!" .. say, "Well, do you want to look at the list?? Really???????? Haha, I have one!!". Maybe they'd like to have a list!
Accept whatever help is offered, graciously. Build the habit between you. Repeats are a desirable goal.
When you find it necessary to ask for help, be sure to spread the events around. That way you avoid sensations of being taken advantage of. One of my sisters goes to the Post Office at least 3-4 times a week on her way home from work. She's the one I asked to pick me up a couple mailing boxes. Anoher sister goes past an Office Supply store on her way home--she's who picks up my printer cartridges.
I am thinking about posting the following to Carol's Blog and maybe an extlra list to give people who ask if they can help.
"Some have asked “if I could use Help?
That has always been hard for me to say that I could use some help. but taking care of Carol and our house has begun to wear me down. I have a Helper (from Ghana) that comes over three days a week for a few hours. She cooks lunch and does the laundry and other light housekeeping. But mostly, she entertains Carol by looking at pictures, or playing with her 3 month old baby boy that Carol loves. But Carol does not like it when I leave for any reason (except maybe the Dr.) and is angry when I get back. Almost not worth it. But Carol does like to:
Go to movies Drive around the county Drive through residential neighborhoods. And of course go to Church. She likes to eat out and her manners are not embarrassing, just a little slow She likes people to come by and visit (but conversation is almost impossible) She likies to look at any kind of picture. Mildred brough her pic’s of mission trip to Ghana I could use any kind of meal, (casserole, salad, sandwich, etc.) for evenings.
If you would like to help and any of these items appeal to you, I am sure open. Alzheimer’s is proving to be very hard on the Caregiver. The constant attention it requires is never ending. And it is so sad to see the one you love loose her brain right in front of you. We still have hope but it is not because of any cure that is even on the horizon.
Bill, the list is just fine. Years ago, I was told that when one is nervous about speaking before groups, they should share that early in their presentation and make a little joke..."I'll admit standing here before you makes me nervous, so if you will, help steady my shaky knees while I go on"...or something to that effect. On your blog, you may say, "I'm often asked what many of you, our friends, can do to help. It's hard to answer that some of the time. I've been encouraged to make a little list,..If you find it in your heart to chose from this, or if it gives you another idea, we'll love and appreciate you even more!"
Nancy, I think you have given me the words I have been looking for. I just did not feel comfortable with my start-up. As soon as I get an OK from my two kids, I plan to post it. Thanks for your suggestion. My knees feel better already. bill
Bill, I think your list is an excellent idea. You've got a good suggestion from Nancy on how to get started. Please let us know what kind of response you get.
Bill, just opening your Caring Bridge site and your face popped up and (I'm so sorry)..I had to laugh! Only because it was so much like I looked the past two weeks after falling and suffering a brain concussion. My red/blue/black/green/pink/magenta face went all the way to my hairline and down my cheek to about the tjp of my nose line. It wa so painful...so I FELT YOUR PAIN...truly!
I loved the bit written by your daughter in law about taking Carol into the Gulf... and will print it out to remember. How lovely!
With all the trials and disappoints you must endure, I envy your enduring love for her. It's just so hard for us sometime.
Thankyou Nancy for looking at Carol'sBlog. It is in Blogspot (blogger.com is home for starting a blog) and not caring bridge. I looked at both and my son encouraged me to ge with Blogger.com so I did and it has been fairly easy to work with. It is free. The picture and the actual incident was by far the highlight of our vacation. She got reaL MAD while we were trying to get her out to deeper water, but suddenly she jumped up when a wave came by and then loved it for the rest of the vacation. She was very willing to let us hold her up and she just floated and kicked with her legs. But the main thing, she laughed and laughed. Best time she and I have had lately. I am aboutl ready to post on her blog about accepting help but trying to get the right picture to insert in the post.
Love to all of you that have contributed your ideas on this thread. It has sure helped me!!!!! bill
OK!!!!! Our blog is now posted with the list. You can view it at http://howiscaroldoing.blogspot.com/ I will let you kn ow lalter how it works. I am looking forward to some response. bill