I am fairly new here and this is my first discussion topic but i do read often. The topics discussed are very helpful so I am is need of your thoughts. My DIl has pulled away from me like overnight. She became a grandmother 12 days ago and has told me when I call to visit the granddaughter and g-grandbaby "it's not a good time to come (various excuses) and she has always insisted you call before coming to visit her at any time . This I accept but to be constantly refused to visit tells me I am not welcome. This child is my first great grand child and you would think she would be proud to show him off. My conclusion is I must have done something to piss her off. Should I write her a letter asking for an explaination? When she told me I could not visit I was polite and asked her to let me know when would be a good time. I have not called again asking "to be refused again" So I am waiting for her to make the first move. This was 9 days ago. Yesterday via E-mail I asked her to accept Instant messaging. She did not accept and there was no explanation as to why. What is your suggestion on this matter? Sweet Pea
Sweet Pea, not knowing your circumstances, my first thought is that may be she is worried that you might bring DH to the visit and this has her concerned. Is this possible?
Sometimes people do very strange things. It sounds like you have made a valid attempt. Do you have other family members who can help you out? Someone who is allowed to see the baby can take you with them for a visit???
Sweet Pea, i tend to agree that its a possiblity she doesnt want the baby around your AD spouse? i reread some of your earlier post and see he is 81 but you say behaved and easy to manage. if thats the case i dont see why she should object to his coming to visit with you. its sad that even family tend to want to exclude us in their lives. new babies have a right to know their grandparents and great grandparents. anyone here would think what i am going to say is just me, outspoken and usually dont take crap off anyone esp family. if i have to live without them they are going to know my end feelings on the subject:) i would just bluntly come out and say i am offended and hurt by the rejections to see the baby. in my opinion telling me to come alone and not with DH is a slap in my face. if someone offends him they offend me and i always say so. like it or not they should know your feelings and that seeing the baby shouldnt be used as a weapon or a way to exclusions of family. just lay it on the line and be courteous and hope you get the answer you are looking for. another family member may be able to intervene as mediator for you both -if you decide that visiting withouth DH in tow may be the solution then by all means enjoy the baby on your own time if thats what it takes. grandparents g-grandparents have rights under the law to see children. maybe she doesnt realize this. hugs i know how hard rejections can seem. divvi
Mary in Montana - We live hundreds of miles away from my other children but they have sent me pictures of the baby via e-mail. I don't know if they are aware of my being refused. I don't want to talk behind anyones back. Family is too important. My Son, her husband, called and said he said to her "you mean you won't let MY mom see the baby! He travels a lot in his work so can't go with him yet. It's not NOT SEEING THE BABY' that concerns me, it is the non-communication. I'm sure we can work things out once we find out what caused the problem.
My DH was dx 5 yrs ago with denentia and so far is easy to care for. Still able to shave and toilet himself. Bathing and dressing needs help. Eats everything in sight so I serve him and don't let him see the other food. We still sing in the choir at church and attend services 3 times a week. The choir director understands his not singing but lets his stay anyway. Everyone at church is understanding and accept him and his funny ways. Sweet Pea
divvi, She has always been stand offish. You can only get so close and then it's whooooo! I accept this so long as she takes good care of my son. I do plan to confront her this week. Tonight I have my second Spouse support meeting and I didn't want to get into anything before hand. I have to start thinking about getting ready for out of home care and getting all my ducks lined up. These people are going to be of assistance to me. POA, med poa, wills. and some financial dealings have been done already. I have located AL/NH and am on their list. Just need to take one thing at a time. Sweet Pea
My own 2 cents, to clarify. this DIL has a daughter (your granddaughter) who has your new great grandchild? If you and granddaughter have a good relationship, maybe granddaughter can BRING baby to visit YOU! I've lived through a time when our DIL didn't want us to have any relationship or connection to our grandsons. She wanted HER mother to be the only grandparent figure for the babies. She never actually said it but I felt it. But the time came when they moved (because their jobs were located nearer to use) and occasions arose when she needed help with the boys..slowly we got to know them and play with them and slowly that attitude changed. I don't really know but is it possible that your son knows whats going on?
Judy, Yes my son knows something is ammis. As I stated before he said to DL "You mean you wouldn't let MY MOM visit the GD & GGD. He is out of town at this time but I intend to get to the bottom of this verry soon. THIS WEEK! GD had a very difficult delivery and DIl has been by her side continuasly 24/7. The babies father is with her too and he must be really tired of this. I don't know reallly since I haven't talked to any of them in 9 days. I have enough stress in my own house but do they care? Guess not.[vent vent vent] After my Support group meeting tonight this missunderstanding is going to be my priority. Sweet Pea
Sweet Pea, Is it not possible for you to communicate with the granddaughter (mother of new baby) directly and ask when would be a good time to visit? And, if the delivery was very difficult, maybe any and all visits are being discouraged for the time being? I wouldn't attach too much importance to the non-acceptance of instant messaging, unless you two were in the habit of doing that. It's not everybody's thing. Hope you have a good support meeting tonight and that the problem is resolved soon! New babies are such a wonderful experience, and you deserve to see this one.
Sweet Pea, step back and take a look. She is a new mom. New moms are always over protective and especially now with all the flu and HINI going around. Some moms have a problem with post partum depression, and alot of anxiety. Like you said"family is too important" continue to call her and send her your well wishes. You might be surprized to find out that she just needs a little time to settle in to a new routine and it may have nothing at all to do with AD!!! Just love her!!!!!!!!
Sweet Pea, I believe this issue needs to be resolved between you and your granddaughter. If it's within the first month, she may be uncomfortable. I remember my own daughter showing me how to hold my first granddaughter. (grin). Like a Mother Lion with her cub, new 1st time Mothers are very sensitive and who knows, your granddaughtrer might have a little Post Pregnancy Depression. Just send notes to her, and continue to say How anxious you are to see her precious baby. As Shellseeker says, "Just Love her."... Everything is very new right now.
Well I got to the bottom of the family missunderstanding question. It appears the problem is with my DH beeing too much of a "dirty old man" by hugging too close and kissing the 3 granddaughters ages 25 to 31 and not even acknowledging the 2 grandsons on Christmas 2007 and 2008. They don't want to be near him anymore. If they would have said anything to me at the time this could have been taken care of somehow. I told DIL if she had said something at the time we could have prevented further occurances and not let this separate us so. My suggestion to her was to just push him away gently and say "you have hugged me already". They don't think it is the dementia causing this duh! So I told them if they wanted to learn about AD it might help them to deal with this illness. I hadn't givern the info before because they have to want to understand not have me try to push it upon them . Will wait and see if anyone gets back to me. Does anyone have another way of dealing with sexual behavior like this? All sugggestions will be appreciated. Guess I will have to keep a closer eye on him at all times. Sweet Pea
I'm sure better info will be shared by others but my idea would be to do as you say, keep a close eye on him and your suggestion to them was a good one. Family needs to understand these type issues might happen with dementia and communication is key to preventing the kind of misunderstanding with which you are now dealing. Oftentimes it's not even meant sexually by the offender. They can become childlike and not mean anything sexual.
So, can you go visit great grandbaby by yourself, leaving DH at home?
I have not talked to her yet and will wait for an invitation. I'm pretty sure I can visit but without DH. After this long though the new has worn off on seeing the baby . I told DIL "I" could use some help ie: my son could take him to coffee. Not sure if grand SIl would want to be near DH yet. Told all we need to work together and not let this break up the family. Dh does not talk much and all the men are uncomfortable around him. They just need to learn more about AD. All these young people can think about is Me Me Me where is their HONOR their Elders? Blah.... It's their move now, the ball is in their court. Will wait a little longer so they can think about family. Sweet Pea
I would consider writing letters personally to the girls. I thought they were young girls, but these are adult women who should have spoken up themselves at the time instead of letting their mom deal with it. But, they didn't so now you may need to. I would apologize to the girls for the uncomfortable feelings they felt when their grandfather hugged them so long ago. That you wished they had told you then because you were unaware of it. Then explain (maybe you or someone has a book that explains it nicely) how this disease can cause confusion in their grandfather. Also, let them know it is OK if they choose not to hug or get close to him. That you understand and if he insist on getting close to them in the future to come let you know. Remind them it is the disease - their grandfather is not there anymore as they knew him.
I remember my BIL made me uncomfortable when he would try to get too close. For me it reminded me of a dirty old uncle I had that sexually abused me. I don't know if it is in their history anywhere, but for some reason they became fearful/were uncomfortable. So for the years my sister was married to this man (2 before his stroke, another 6 before he died) I made sure I kept an arms length from him.
Yes they should have said something to me. I have told them he has dementia but they think because he acts normal some time he's just being ugly. The individual letters is a great idea. Thanks. Sweet Pea
Then there's always the possibility that they were afraid to mention the uncomfortable hugging because sometimes the whistle blower is accused of lying by the rest of the family and pretty much treated as an enemy. Trust me, this happens!
Well here i go again taking up for the AD victim but i think its outrageous they would ostracize both of you from seeing a new baby over this. adult women like charlotte says should be able to handle an elderly man and keep them at bay if they didnt like the closeness. you see him coming you move away. at least your spouse likes affection and isnt raging or demeaning at this point. i do see they could be uncomfortable in the past but its no excuse knowing now that it can be avoided after being told how AD can affect the persons around them. in my opinion it can be just an excuse which alot of family tend to look for to avoid all contact. by the way what does this have to do with you not being able to see the baby? we must face that AD is AD and unaccomodating to many including family. out of sight out of mind as they say. i am sooo sorry you have had to be excluded due to this and maybe if after all is said and done you can find a way to include your DH with family and try to keep an eye out for any uncomfortable situations. i would hate to see him excluded completely too. its not fair they need family to be understanding and work with you not against you. good luck, divvi
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your careing information and suggestions on this matter. I sent an "Open Letter To All My Children " on Sunday Oct. 27 and received responses from those who understood about AD. The one who denied me access to the baby was the babies grandmother {which I expected} and bullies her child {the babies mother} to have no contact with me. They all say they love me but these two don't want DH around. My son and I talked and he calmed down after me telling him this disease causes DH to hug a little too long with a kiss on the cheek and starring. Son said the typical thing. Just tell him not to do this...Duh... Just when you think you are making progress #@#!&! So since I have apologized to them all for not realizing they were so stupid [didn't use that word but thought it] I will wait for their apology for hurting ME. From this point there will be no further contact with them on my part. This week has been exhausting both mentally and physically and is one reason I have not been back on this board. If I am truly loved by them they will respond otherwise it's their loss. MOVING FORWARD WITH GRACE AND GODS LOVE Sweet Pea
proud of you Sweet Pea, you did what you had to do and now the balls in their courts. hopefully they will have the sense enoughto know they misjudged the situation and yall can come up with a plan that doesnt mean exclusions for either of you.
AD needs to be understood not ostracized. you are right in that it will be their loss and someday they will be sorry if they dont make the effort. hugs, divvi
Sweet Pea, I do hope they respond and that you can find it in your heart to forgive them. So sad when families are driven apart. Hang in there, and -- if you can -- be kinder than they deserve.
Just wait til that old Bat-i-lac (sons MIL) or someone else on "their" side of the family gets some form of dementia. Her daughter will hopefully see the light......and just get a load of that HUGE shadow her dunce cap will cast.
Sweet Pea, that woman is a selfish person and what she did to you and is doing to you is totally wrong! I know you should get an apology from her, but you won't. That type of person will never realize she did wrong. If you ever want to see that child, you are going to have to do it without the apologies you are wanting. Do not deprive yourself of seeing that child.
I would call the daughter and say that "I have a gift that I would like to drop by for the baby. Will you be home in an hour?" and, having made arrangements in advance for someone to stay with your husband - if that is necessary - if she says yes, then go and see the baby, take your camera and take a picture of the baby so you'll have it and can show your husband. Don't go through her mother. It is a losing cause - so is waiting for apologies that won't come. I'm sorry. We have to do the bending.
I had to put up with a DIL from He** and when she and my son divorced each time (he was stupid enough to remarry her and have another child), I was at HER mercy to see my grandsons. I was fortunate that my grandsons demanded that they get to come see me and HER MOTHER brought them to shut the kids up! <grin> (I know - too much information!)
Also, don't try to get them to accept your husband, even with the explanations. They aren't going to change their attitudes, and it is their loss. They aren't worthy of you two.
Sweet Pea, I have read so many books on Alzheimer's Disease, and many of them will write of an EARLY stage of Alzheimer's and Hypersexuality. My husband went through this phase and I thought he was just an old man with a dirty mind. I was appalled at some of the things he said and was constantly on guard when we were in public. I'm surprised a few of his friends didn't take him "outside". Unfortunately, they just stopped including us in their gatherings. He began using obscene language, gutter talk actually,...and this was so unlike him. Many books on the various early phases of Alzheimer's before diagnosis will describe my husband to a tee. Print this and mail it to anyone who may not understand that nothing I could say or do would prevent him from this misbehavior. What is important to understand is that the phase passes, just as many other phases of the disease do. The hypersexuality ceased after about a year or so. Never to return again. In fact, most of the profanity has also ended. If I run across an authority on the subject, I'll let you know where it's written and you might xerox it for validation.
Nancy B We had a Neurologist appmt. today and DH was taken off Aricept and put on the Exelon patch. You said this phase will pass! Did it do it on it's own or did medication help? Even with insurance meds cost $$$ Sweet Pea
The phase passed on its own. - I know that for a fact, because after that, the Neurologist thought he probably had Parkinson's - with (perhaps) some Dementia. So, he didn't have aracept or any drug for that. It was two years later that a different doctor actually tested him for the APoE4 gene, PET scan, MRI, Neuropsychological test, etc. and then, without a doubt, he was diagnosed with Alzheimers. At that time, the family was told that most diagnoses occur 5-8 years after the ACTUAL onset of the disease. The diagnostic testing is so much more accurate now than even when he first began to show signs of something being wrong. I don't know if this same Neurologist would have been able to diagnose him back "when".