I took the boys to see their Dad at the NH this weekend. Yesterday, I was riding with them and our oldest (11 1/2 year old) kept talking about how he hates his father. He remembers when DH would be home with them (before the diagnosis) and would yell at him, blame him for all the battles between him and his younger brother. Now our oldest is a great kid, but he can be very combative and I have my battles with him, as do my sisters who have been taking care of the boys while I worked all summer. He has a very hard time controlling his mouth, and was often very disrespectful with his dad, so I don't blame DH entirely for "losing it" with him when he was home with them all day.
I keep trying til I'm blue in the face to explain to our son that much of what his dad did and said over the past several years was controlled by the disease, that he couldn't help it, that he loved him. But he won't believe me. He insists his dad preferred his brother, and hates him and he hates his dad. Of course, it doesn't help that DH will sometimes sor of yell out when our oldest is there, like he's mad at him. Of course it's the disease, and I keep telling our son that, but it doesn't matter.
This is heartbreaking for me. DH didn't like his own father, why, I'm not entirely sure, other than that he worked nights and didn't spend much time with him, and his parents had some problems over the years. DH's brother has a terrible relationship with his grown son. It breaks my heart to think that this pattern of sons growing up to hate their fathers continues on. I know that DH, before the illness, would have wanted his son to love him. But I don't know what to do.
I know I need to get our son back into therapy, but the last therapist was such a disappointment. And frankly, it seems like our son just "charms" the therapists, never really gets to the heart of his "issues". But I know I have to keep trying. Otherwise, this will haunt our son throughout his life, and the pattern will likely continue.
Last night I actually dreamt that DH was my father and that I had sent him to the NH while my mother was away. When she got back, she was upset with me for placing him. And I felt terrible about it. I don't know what any of this means, but I've been so stressed lately with everything. I guess it's just my subconscious acting out.
I'm going to look for another counselor for our son, maybe a grief counselor.
Do any of you have experience with your kids (young or grown) hating their parent with AD? What did you say to them and were they able to overcome it?
I think a better counselor might be useful. I'm sure, for someone as young as your son, it can be very hard to disentangle intense feelings, and grief and disappointment or feeling let-down could very well be mistaken for hate.
Kelly how hard this had been on you and your son. hes 11 now and old enough to know the misery that was in home prior to placement for you and the kids. unfortunately, i do believe the AD allows many pent up feelings to release during the course of AD.. i saw my DH not tolerate one or two grandkids in particular and would come down hard with hateful outbursts to them while not paying particular attention to others. he also was intensely disliked by his father but the fav of his mother. everyone knew this in their family. i maybe think with the worry over son now your dream may have taken on an opposite of what it may subconsciously wanted to express. and maybe you in your dream were your son and your father your DH and you as the mom 'away'?. if you reread your dream and reinact those personalities you see you may be reenacting the issues of your son and DH and the dislike between them as you look on. its all very complicated and dreams can delve deep at times. i do agree your son should be in therapy until hes able to come to terms with DH aggression towards him and try to understand how AD can alter personality-we know sometimes the new AD personality takes on a stronger version of the one prior to AD. maybe their were issues going on prior with son/DH. they can become aggravated with AD - so sorry, its bad enough we as spouses deal with the confusion and rejections but when our children are hit its double hard - your situation is an unfortunate example why placement may become necessary very early on if children as still at home. hugs. divvi
I am hoping that when enough awareness is raised about EOAD, there will be more specialists to deal with children's issues. Call the Alzheimer's Association and ask if they can recommend a therapist for your son - one who has experience with children (or grandchildren) of Alzheimer patients. As if you don't have enough to do, you'll need to interview the therapist before you agree to let him/her see your son. Rather than ask if they have dealt with AD before, ask, "What do you know about Alzheimer's Disease?" You'll be able to tell from their answer how much they know and how familiar they are with children's problems related to AD. Ask if they know what EOAD is.
Did you check out the website link on my home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com? On the left side, it is together with the other EOAD resources. It says AFA for teens. At 11 1/2 , your son is pre-teen, and would probably be the right age. That's a site on which kids of EOAD parents can communicate with each other. Their other peers would not understand what they are going through, but all of these kids will.
As you read these boards you can feel the agony of the mature adult caregivers on here who no longer know their own spouses. Even though our rational minds know it is the disease the hurt is very, very real. Now just imagine the same pain from the vantage point of a child. They just don't have ability to deal with this disease.
You are absolutely right and others have given you good suggestions about finding a competent therapist for your son.
One other suggestion, create a photo collage for each of your boys with as many photos of you can of just them and their dad. Crop out others if necessary. Particularly of your oldest, you probably have some wonderful pictures of him proudly holding and interacting with his son. I know it will be difficult with your youngest since he was so young when your husband got ill. Hang them in their rooms near their beds and make simple, quiet statements about them when you are alone with them in their room. "That picture is my favorite because that was the day we brought you home from the hospital and Dad was so proud of his new son", "I love that picture because dad loved holding your little fingers as you learned how to walk". He is young and his most recent bad memories of his dad will fade. Let them be replaced by the positive photos and your thoughts on how much his dad loved him and how proud he was of him.
You know, I've wondered about J.K. Rowling. One of her major categories of villains is the Dementors. I don't know why she chose that name, but they're terrible.
It might be, if your son's read Harry Potter, that the approach that the Dementors have him in their grip might give him a handle on it. A shorthand instead of a disease that he doesn't understand at all (not that any of US do!)
Briegull, I think that's a brilliant idea if he's a Harry Potter fan. I laughingly refer to my dogs as the dementors, but I do thing this might be meaningful to Kelly's boy. Good thinking!
Kelly - I am one who grew up being hated by her father. Everything my brother did I was blamed for it. When I got kids, I found anger i never knew I had in me. My son paid for the sins of the abusive men in my past. It is very possible your son is right. Knowing his history, it is very possible your husband could not relate to your son - there is too much identity there. AD made it worse. At some point your son will have to forgive his dad for how he perceived his dad's attitude towards him. It doesn't matter whether his dad favored the younger son or hated the older son - what matters is how your son felt. It is his story and needs to be validated. Forgiveness will come as he is allowed to share his story which includes how he sees it and how he feels. Maybe he even feels he is at fault for his dad's disease - who knows. He needs a counselor who will allow him to tell his story then help him come to acceptance then forgiveness that his dad was not what he needed, that his dad did the best he could with what he had.
I remember crying at my dad's funeral - not because I loved him. But because I could have been a good daughter if he had let me. (I came from a family of 9 kids and my oldest sister - #1 - he also hated. I was #7).
My daughter also charmed the counselors, so getting her into counseling did nothing.
I also think asking if he would like to join the teen group online would be helpful.
Thank you all so much for your wisdom and understanding. There is so much great advice here.
My son just started getting into Harry Potter, so I will try the "Dementor" suggestion.
Divvi's analysis of my dream was very interesting. I hadnt' thought of it that way!
I'm going to keep trying to get him to log onto the teen group. I've mentioned it to him before, but he hasn't shown much interest. I think if I can get him to check it out, though, he might get into it.
I'm going to keep looking for a good counselor. Maybe I will try calling the Alzheimers Association. My son is so advanced socially and intellectually, that even though he's only 11 chronologically, he thinks like a teenager already (much to my horror!), so I think he needs someone who is adept at adolescent counseling and understands grief and the parent-child relationship.