My DW becomes upset and angry with me for doing "too much" to help her. She has so much difficulty in doing anything, that I do tend to take over as it's easier to just "do it myself". Do others here have this problem?
I've wondered about that in a differant way,we were married in 1989 an she was still working I retired the same week we got married an just did everything from washing clothes to all the cooking,take care of the yard,house, cars an anything that had to be done,sometimes I think that may have contributed to her condition,she is nowhere near the condition of some of the LO's here but she couldn't cook anything,drive car,gets confused with the simplest of tasks.doesn't know who I am some days,not a fun trip we all find ourselves on
Jerry: Yes, and I don't know what to do about it. She accuses me of taking her freedoms away, but, it is more often that not, for her own good. No need of letting something go wrong, when you know that is what is going to happen, and then having to fix it.
This website is always good for advice. I'll be watching for something that will help me.
Jerry, I sometimes have this problem with DH. But then, the pendulum swings both ways for us. Sometimes when I start to do something for him - he will say " I can do that", so I let him. Yes, it may take much longer to do it than if I did, but it keeps him happy. Other times, things we CAN do - he will ask me to do it! Just never know from moment to moment how it will go. I tend to just go ahead and do it most of the time, but it will make him upset if I do. Crazy, crazy.
It's important to everyone to be able to do things and to feel good about it. I like to give DH things to do that he will be able to do well. but it gets harder and harder. Today in the yard I was cleaning up a brush pile and DH was cutting some sticks into little pieces. (His favorite "job" in the yard) But it seems to give him a feeling of accomplishment. Then he started (when I suggested it) to mow the lawn, got tired about halfway through the front lawn, so I finished it. But just now when it started to rain he said "Good thing I mowed the lawn!" He thinks he did the whole thing and I don't correct him. A couple things he likes to do and can do well: - crack nuts (eats a lot ot them) - cut cardboard boxes into small pieces for the trash - take out compost or trash and clean the containers - clip something out of the newspaper for me - empty the dishwasher and put the dishes away . It takes him forever to put the silverware away but when he is done the silverware drawer is very neat, with everything in the right place. I love it. - use an apple slicer to cut an apple into eight pieces to share with me. I love that too. - open wine bottles. He's still better at this than I am. I get him to put up the clothes windmill for me and take it down, makes him feel big and strong. But lately he can't seem to go to bed by himself, he wants me to come along to the bedroom, turn down the covers for him and tuck him in. (He gets up several times in the night and needs no help getting back in bed, so I don't know what the deal is here.)
He can pick berries, but cannot pick them well: he'll eat many and miss a lot of them.
As I have taken over more and more from my wife, there has been no argument. Even driving she gave up on her own. We were driving to our daughters and, as usual, she started driving the first part. About an hour later, at a rest stop, she handed me the car keys and said she was done. She has not tried to drive since. She now is to the stage where she really needs help with everything. She can feed herself if I cut the food up. I have to help her with dressing and undressing. A few days ago she was just playing with the applesauce into which I had ground her pills, so I started to feed it to her and suggested she was acting like a 2-year old. When we got done she looked at me with a big smile and said "Thank you, Mommy"
I just started reading Learning to Speak Alzheimer's by Joanne Koenig Coste. It talks about this very thing - she calls her approach habilitation. As I understand it so far, it's just what Jeanette wrote about above. I know there have been other posts somewhere about the book and about habilitation, but I'm not sure where. I'll look and bring them to the top.
i also think its good to allow certain things for them to feel acomplishment., but also to intervene when you see its becoming fustrating.
there is a fine line between feeling good about doing it for themselves and crossing the line into feeling panic and anxiety over being unable to complete the task. i think we as spouses are on a constant watch to ensure they get a 'positive' reinforcement from the experience and know when to step in to keep it that way. divvi
I went on a 3 day 2 nite outing with my grandson and he refused to go. Said he was not going if the grandson was going. So I left him at home. He called several times but when I got home, he had washed the dishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOTAL SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I started thinking that maybe I am doing too much. maybe I am taking some the things that he CAN do away from him by just assuming that he cannot do them. I am going to have to take a big step back and re-evaluate my actions.