I can almost always find my answers by reading the posts that are already there, but, this is one I haven't seen. We have been retired for several years and we aren't broke yet, but, since we don't have a pension, we live on our social security and some of lifetime of savings and investments each month. With the recession, a big part of our investments went away (I don't know where). I think they will come back someday, but I don't know if I will live long enough to see it.
Anyhow, I say that to say this---I have always cashed a check on Friday for our spending (pocket, purse, & misc) money. In years past, my DW and I divided it and went on down the road. We are now at the stage where money doesn't mean a thing to her; she doesn't drive and can't go shopping (even for groceries) by her self. However, she still insists (demands) money every Friday. For sometime, I gave it to her so she would still feel good about herself and to keep some semblance of normalcy in our life. But, she now brings it home and hides it and doesn't remember where. In fact, she doesn't remember even getting it in the first place.
Am I terrible to think that we don't need to play this game any longer? I feel like it is just being wasted. If I try to change the situation, there will be a great big hullabaloo (fight). She can't remember things, but, she can sure yell and cry
I know you will give me your honest opinion and I am looking forward to some good advice from you experiences.
Dean, since my DH has become ill with ALZ, I have handled all the money, however, I do give him 20 or so dollars when we go out somewhere, so he can feel like a man. In case he wants to buy something, who knows. Anyway, I had been in the habit of giving him $100 in cash, if we were going out to dinner or what not with friends, so he could pay. After 2 times of him not remembering where he had put the money, (once I found it on the floor of the car, the other time it was in his pocket, but he couldn't find it at the restaurant) I stopped that. Now as I said, $20, is generally the most I give him, and then i usually borrow it back. (grin) Maybe you can just divide up a much smaller amount of money. Like say you only got $50 from the bank and give her $20, that way, at least you're not out the money when she forgets where she put it.
dean i dont know how aware your wife is but if you could give her lots of ones instead of larger bills? we find alot of us that into the disease they like quantity not quality:) or get some fake money at the party stores and put more of that in between? i used to fill my DH wallet with fake money mixted with one dollars and he thought he was super rich. awww. counted all hrs of the day. maybe preparing some of the banks envelopes ahead of time like this when you cash your check you hand hers to her already prepared. they tend to lose interst over time but yes if shes losing or hoarding and cant remember its time to use the real money more efficiency. good luck, divvi
I understand and know where you're coming from. My hb never "minded" the till well; so what we have now is what I earned and saved except for small social security. I give him only $10 on Fridays to do with as he chooses. Sometimes he says I haven't given him any for weeks. We have had several discussions about this. The last time he had any access to our $, he got a charge card, charged $4,000 and had nothing to show for it. I found one envelope I assume he'd planned to mail w/$60 cash in it--was sending it to one of the "scam" sites. He says I call anything he wants to respond to a scam. I said "You're right; and it probably is." Anyway, he doesn't know I took the $60 out of the envelope and doled it back to him. He doesn't like the way things are, but he's mostly resigned to it and doesn't bring it up too often. So, I conclude I'd change the way you've been handling the $. Our eldercare attorney talked to my hb a bit about $ and medicaid. I've suggested we write in a notebook every time he gets $10; so he'll know it's regular; and he can write what he does with it. My dad gave my grandmother 5 ones every week and she kept them in a sugar bowl. He said if he gave her a $5 she tho't she had no $, but if she had a few bills, she was content. This was 30 years ago. You might do the notebook thing and get a bank or jar and explain that she keep her $ in it to keep it safe and the two of you choose a "safe" place to keep it. You might tell her that $ is in short supply, and you won't be getting $ every week any more--if you can keep yourself supplied w/o her knowing. An example of our fiblets.
I'm sure others can offer wise help with this issue.
My DH sometimes wants money to buy something, but when push comes to shove, he has me do the actual transaction. He knows he can't be sure if the change he gets back is right, and is always afraid what he has won't be enough. On Wednesdays and Sundays, he wants his $.52 for coffee, and grimaces if I have to give him a dollar. He used to hide money away. Did it for years, and I did't mind because on the occasion when we had something unexpected happen, he'd be able to help me deal with it. To the best of my knowlege we've found and emptied all his hiding places. Given what you've described as the situation, I'd do as others have suggested. Give her a reduced amount in small bills, weaning her down if you have to from her usual share. Set up a notebook or mark the calendar when she gets "paid." You need to keep the cash flowing for necessities and not being misplaced. As long as she has something in her wallet she should be fine.
Dean - I agree with others - get a bunch of 1s and give to her. Someday you will find it. When my MIL died we found over $30,000 stashed around the house. We thought it was her but maybe it was my FIL who has AD? Interesting thought.
I've had a similar problem. I provide my husband with money as well. However, I watch him or guide him into putting it into his wallet every week. He typically never uses his wallet so I usually go in and get the money and put it away. He thinks he's spent it and so we start the cyle again. I like the idea of a lot of ones.
Dean, you always cash a check on Fridays. Maybe it's time for a change of habit. Find some reason to not be able to get to the bank on Friday--find some other way to get the cash you need.
Could you pretend you didn't cash the check last Friday? Say you realized you didn't need to. Could you give her a little safe box to hide all of her money in?...Put it in HER drawer and suggest that's a good place to hide money for safekeeping??... My DH is beyond knowing how to count money - and I rarely go to the bank with him around. That's one of my dash away errands when my maid is here.
I make sure he has several 5's and about ten 1's in his wallet ..He may or may not realize how much he has, but he always peeps into his wallet before he puts it in his pocket. I also have other plastic cards in his wallet that look like credit cards, along with his old (personal) AE Gold Card..long ago expired..and not renewed. His Driver's License is in the wallet, mostly for I.D., in case he got lost, a laminated card I made with In Case Of Emergency contacts.
I think as long as they have a litlle money in their wallets, they're happy. I know mine is. I was giving him $40.00 a week. I've cut down to $20.00 in small bills. He always had the bills all mixed up anyway. When we go out to eat, I just pay the bill. If he insist, I'll let him pay and then re-imburse him the next week. A little off topic, but do any of your spouses have a bunch of tissues or folded toilet paper in their pants pockets? That drives me crazy when I empty his pockets. He just seems to keep adding more all the time.
Oh yeah, Carolyn....I remember the toilet tissue and kleenex in the pockets. Be grateful that they are still unused....because then when you find them it is not so nice....LOL!
Oooh, yes kleenex. Dh will stand at the kitchen table for the longest time carefully folding about 12 tissues into a neat pile that he will then carry in his pocket. When I need one I usually ask him first instead of looking in my purse, because he is proud to be able to supply my need.
My husband has no need for any money either and doesn't really care if he has any or not but once a month when his brothers take him to lunch, I always make sure he has about $20 to cover his lunch. They have always paid for him but this way he can offer to pay. He will pull that money out of his wallet and show it to me constantly. Lately, if we are out and he wants to stop for lunch he'll say I'll pay. I always say okay and he gives me his little bit of cash and I'll use it for lunch. Then the next month we start over again.
My husband went thru many phases with money.....from believing he had lots of it, to believing his was stolen by friends, then strangers.
He used to demand money in his wallet, but then would put it in his pocket (sans wallet). I'd usually find it in the laundry.
Other times he demanded to have money in his wallet/pocket, but would NOT allow me to pay for anything. So in round a bout ways I'd get it back.
He always wanted to know what he owed me (a) for the ride, (b) for gas, (c) for groceries, (d) for his room and board, (e) for his phone calls, (f) for..........
Mine doesn't want to carry much money. I usually give him 20-25 in small bills for his wallet. If we are going out, he will check to see how much he has, because he still likes to pay and I let him, but I do have to tell him how much the tip is. He is forever saying, "I've never had this much money in my life"! LOL
I loved the comment about the tissues. It's tissues and Napkins in this house, & unfortunately, i don't remember to empty his pockets. so the lint is in the washing machine. then in the dryer, then on the floor. When I do laundry, it looks like it snowed. so annoying.
Thanks to one and all for taking time to help me with this. Most of you had some good suggestions and I will try them. An interesting part that I left out is that some weeks, some of the ladies from church will take my DW out for lunch (I love those ladies). Anyhow, when that happens, she asks me for money, which is fine, but she doesn't remember the money she already has and denies (rather vigorously) getting any. This makes for an interesting discussion (ha) and I have been just giving her some more in order to make her feel good.
She is still hiding things - her purse, jewelry, money, - and anything else she can get her hands on.
I think her self worth is important, but, this money situation is just like throwing it away and we can't afford to just waste it.
dean can you go to a Dollar Store and pick up some realistic play money. Just make sure her lady friends know what you are doing to avoid embarrassment for your wife.
I haven't had the problems most of you have experienced except for Zibby. I have power of attorney for money and he doesn't have access to any of the accounts, but I get surprises from months ago that are always big figures. He can't get on the internet, but he will try to enter contests on the phone. I have to keep close watch on him.
Another thought I had as I was reading the comments - my husband would NEVER spend any change - he always used bills. I am thinking that maybe he can't count the change. That would drive me crazy to have all this silver and the bills gone. We will have our own little version of the MMSE counting money to see if this is the issue. They are so good at covering and compensating - aren't they?
i would not use a copier for real bills. that can lead to very SERIOUS issues if they were ever passed even by mistake!. the cheap fake toystore monies used for kids is realistic enough. stick with the allready made kind! divvi
My DH lost several credit cards before he was diagnosed. He also used to keep a money clip with $50 or more. He kept losing that. Actually, it was not lost, it was misplaced. He would find in many months later in pockets of rain coats or jackets. One time he lost his rain coat. We found it month later at church. He lost several nice jackets, at the dentists, the airport. Now, sometimes he does not even carry his wallet. He has maybe $40 dollars in his wallet. He never even tries to pay when we go out. He had stopped using cash and always used a credit card because he was having trouble with the bills. Now, I take care of everything and he does not mind. Dean, soon she will forget about the cash.