Well its been one of those days. He got up looking for an argument and then when I told him to quit he esculated and started to call me awful names. Do you think this is his condition? and if so how much self control do you think a person with MCI has? I'm back at the apartment, I have found that it is better to leave and get out of his sight than try to have a discussion with him. It just doesn't go anywhere.
My husband has MCI and for a year and a half suddenly I was the default villian. Before for 40 years, he had always treated me with respect, love, care. Now Everyone else got the laughing, jovial part (which is new behavior too - he has always been quiet and aloof to others before) and when he walked in the door, it was being angry at me again. I offered to leave him if I was the only one in his life bothering him - Then one day in October, he left mad, surly, ugly to go to work. When he came home, he was sweet, nice calm, his face was peaceful for the first time in a long time. I hold my breath - it has been continuing. But your question has plagued me since his diagnosis two years ago. I just found out that he has been taking two antidepressants full strength - he was supposed to stop one and start the new one. But He just added the new one, too. They are taking him off of the second one and I am wondering if that is what changed his behavior. But then the question remains, why just to me..............I think this is a very ugly cunning diease. I also have found it is better just to walk out as well when he starts as it can escalate even if I don't respond and can go on for days and even weeks. Now, when he decides he wants to argue, he has this empty house to be angry in.
My Dh also gets Very nasty and abusive, but only with me. We had a very bad day today. We went to a nice restaurant. His table manners were terrible. He put his fingers in his mouth, was nasty to the waiter, pointed at "fat people". When the bill came, as usual he wanted to pay only for the food he ate and no tip.I managed to pay the bill but it was difficult. He takes prozac. I think it helps as things were much worse.
I too am not certain that its always the disease. If its the disease why is the anger directed only at me? However, within hours I know he forgets that he has been angry and difficult.
The anger, hostility, etc is almost always directed at the CG. I think when they are around others, they manage to hold up very well, to hide their fears, but once they get around those who they know will be there, they just let down all their defenses and let us have it. I don't think they can have control 24/7--it can only be a sometime thing. Then they have moments of wanting to make up to us, they know they did something hurtful, don't understand what or why, but they want to make it better. The same with AD parents who hurt the child who is their caregiver. Other children are wonderful, but the one who is the 24/7 caregiver gets the brunt of it. It's just one more manifestation of this bizarre disease.
From the time we were children, my DH only wanted to take care of me, to protect me, but he turned on me w/AD. For some reason I understood, never took it personally, but what hurt so much I could barely stand it was seeing him behave in such a manner--I knew it wasn't really him, it was the same body and voice, but he was disappearing before my eyes. And along the way I learned not to answer back, so I'd agree or ignore, I'd rather have peace than be right. I realized that there are not very many things in life important enough to fuss about--I just don't care about a lot that I may have considered important before. The idea of leaving him to argue in an empty house is a good idea, if you can safely do it.
my husband is MCI also...now that he doesn't always remember things it's gotten very interesting. If i remind him he often gets very angry. I hope I don't sound whiney but I found evidence (by accident) that he'd spent $300 on ebay so I asked about it. He bought golf clubs - he has expensive ones, so I reminded him that we had always had an agreement that we didn't spend more than $xx without checking with each other. He started yelling and pacing - I've never ben afraid of him, but I was starting to feel a little scared - he seemed barely in control! He didn't get me anything for Christmas, my January birthday, or our anniversary in March, he said he forgot, but he remembered he wanted golf clubs. Fortunately, he's usually such a good person and so good to my family, complimentary to me, that I still consider him my gift on all those occassions. I hope the anger/raging is the disease because otherwise he's not who I've thought he was all these years.
Mine hasn't bought me a gift in a year....but then, he doens't even remember the dates any more either. I've started buying them myself and showing him what he bought me! :) He always smiles and nods. I know he would have bought my gifts if he were able to think about it and had the ability, but he's really past that now. I'm concerned because we haven't gone through a rage stage yet. It sounds awful!
One Christmas my DH did not get me a gift, and afterwards, when he realized it, he cried about having forgotten. I felt really bad. My birthday is in Jan & he remembered, went to the store & got me a little girl's plastic handbag w/the $1.49 price tag still on it. I told him how much I liked it & would be wearing it, etc, but again, I felt bad. I honestly believe, honestly, that if you had a great husband and he's raging, forgetting gifts, etc, it is the disease. It is the disease, why else would they change so much?
I decided not to mention my birthday last year - how could he possible remember when he really doesn't know for sure the season, month, year, etc. We were with a group of people and I realized they were going to sing "Happy Birthday" so I knew I would have to remind him. What was so funny is all day long he kept saying how badly he felt about forgetting my birthday and never once thought to say "Happy Birthday"!
My husband always remembered everyone's Birthdays, loved giving for Christmas, etc. I was always receiving roses on Valentines Day, flowers delivered to my office, etc. Special cards, with wonderful love notes written in them. Once the disease took hold, he no longer remembered the special occasions. That is when my daughter would come over and get him when a special holiday came around and they would have a father/daughter outing and she would pick out something she knew he would have liked for me. He was always like a little kid when he gave it to me.
Even though I knew our marriage was so very solid and loving, there was still a time when I really thought he maybe had found someone else. We started to grow apart and I could not understand why. The things we always enjoyed doing, he no longer wanted to do, he started to withdraw from wanting to be around other people. He was very short tempered and this was definately not the man I married. I can remember very clearly when I realized that there was something really wrong here. I thought that maybe there was someone else, so, I confronted him about that. I had tears in my eyes and I said to him, if you have someone else and no longer want to be married, then please let me know. I can remember the night as clearly as if it was happening right now. He threw his arms around me, with tears in his eyes, said to me "I love you more than life itself", but, there is something really wrong with me. That is when I knew we were facing something alot bigger than both of us. We sat in that room for over two hours just holding each other.
Seven years later, My DH is now in a NH going into the latter Stage of the disease. I see him everyday, love him for the person he is today. Yes, this journey is very tough, but, we all do the best we can. Our 25th Wedding Anniversary is 4/21 and my daughter has planned a celebration for us on Sunday, 4/20 at her home. We are bringing him home and we are going to celebrate. He probably won't even know what is going on, but, I will and for right now, that is all that matters.
Yes, it was the disease, as I know now that my wonderful husband would never have done anything like this to me. But, unfortunately the anger seems to always be directed at the Care Giver. The things I relied on the most was my patience and compassion because as we all know this disease can surely change the person you once were, both for your loved one and yourself. He is my prince.
My DH used to spoil me with flowers, going out to dinner, always a card that he spent a very long time to choose, and gifts for EVERY occasion. Of course, over the years is decreased some. But nowadays he doesn't/hasn't remembered my birthdays, holidays for about 3 years now. He sees commercials when some of the big holidays are coming, and will ask repeatedly "when is Valentine's/Aniversary/New Years/ your birthday (mine)." Two years ago I asked my kids to not bring any attention to my b=day, anniversary, valentines day, etc., because one of the casualties of this disease is that those days mean absolutely nothing to me anymore. I feel less hurt when we just pretend those days haven't even happened.
I really wanted a present this Christmas, and he wanted to get me one, so I found a safe place where he could buy me something. I know it is the last time and Christmas was always our big gift giving opportunity. I'm going to miss it.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks. He was never good at the birthday thing. He was always more likely to do big things at the spur of the moment. Still, we used to go out for dinner for birthdays and anniversaries, and that also is gone. It hurts.
Kay Kay - Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. When we met in a Hospice group for survivors it was a surprise to find someone we loved so much, and our daily lives were our gift to each other. My husband wrote poems, so that was what I got. Of course, that is gone, but I am very lucky that my husband thanks me many times a day - "Thank you for taking care of me", he says. That does feel sad, since of course a marriage isn't supposed to be only caregiving. But, we get what we have and I in many ways feel honored to give this to a man whose whole career was making life better for special needs children. I also imagine if we get to a spot where my DH doesn't know me and has a girlfriend that would be me!
Its very sorrowful reading how our spouses forget how much they loved us. mine too lavished expensive gifts for no reason and now i miss that as well the suprises in velvet boxes the romantic dinners..he was a great pilot and he'd fly us to new orleans for dinner and a nite or to dallas to the mansion for gourmet special occassions. its was heaven and i knew he loved me so much =thats what keeps me sane and caring for him as the tables have turned. he looks at me with such loveing eyes when i feed him or attend to him. its like having a dependent child to care for again. i cant imagine the day i will be alone without him even if its tearing me apart emotionally and physically caring for him inhome for as long as possible. there is nothing we can do to right what is the inevitable outcome. i am struggling to grasp the fact there is no 'fixing' this disease. make sure if you still can have your spouse write you a love 'card' now its something i have that i re-read and cry over many times and its the only link left to our love story. i whish i could have him back for 1hr to get it all said what needs to be said..Divvi
All you gals are great.... I know if our roles were reversed Dee would be as much in love as you gals... these bits of memory lane are what keep us all going.. Its the things in our past that help us all sustain the love we have for our spouses today... Thanks gals for making my day and bringing a tear to my eyes.. Dan
Just Thinking - My husband has an MBA, has always been very conservative in everything - especially spending money. I found, also by accident, money was being taken out of our business - and it is just the two of us - that was not accounted for. I watched it for months, dropped little and big hints giving him the chance to say what was going on. I don't care what he spends money on, but be up front about wanting the money. BUT...the new wrinkle for us is that he had started buying lottery tickets - gambling also I think in other ways. He was buying lottery tickets for hundreds of dollars a week. I am no dummy, but I can't check that story out. The stories he told me before we got to the lottery tickets sounded like a three year old made them up. I have been told that most of his issues come from the part of his brain that controls inhibition and self control. I have all of the paperwork that gives me control of the money, but we all know he can undo that in a heartbeat. In a way he seemed relieved to be found out and makes sure that I handle the money. So, this cunning disease brings surprises - like gambling - I suspect going to the topless bars - looking at other women almost drooling. Hurtful, but it isn't the man that I married. He has truly lost his mind. So be on the lookout for gambling. Also my husband says that he has the urge to buy things he know he isn't going to use, but just has to have them. That was the motor home, but that is another story.
My children and I are tearing ourselves apart trying to figure out dementia vs nasty behavior. Thinking back 40 ago my husband's co workers told me how nasty he was. Nora
Mary, rants are OK. Venting is OK. This is a safe place to do both of them. And all of us need to do some of it some of the time.
My husband has reached a stage where he seems very depressed. And there has been a little anger and hostility as well, but not much as yet. I'm not looking forward to its escalating.
Its been said many times that whatever personality-type a person was prone to PRIOR to the alz disease that personality will become dominant. so if your spouse was a gambler or nasty and aggressive before look out, it can only escalate during this disease. mine happend to be mild mannered and polite most of the time but he has a nasty scarasm and way of 'superiority' that still remains. even now 8yr later. he likes to call me 'kiddo' when hes belittling me..haha..so take heed if they were cruel and argumentative beware that side may be dominant. divvi
I agree that it seems the personality traits that existed become more exagerated. My DH was always negative.If something displeased or upset him it was a "fault'. Then, that fault had to be assigned to someone. Abusive language directed at me, I think, started with AD.However he frequently went into snits when he was upset with me and stopped talking to me for periods of time.
So what are we suppose to do??? Everyone else thinks they are "normal." They try so hard to hold their temper around anyone else. Then when we get home or it's just us here, WHAM things go back to the "other normal." (I'm using someone elses words here.) The other night, we had his brother and the brother's wife over for dinner. Husband and BIL have had some strain in their relationship over the last few years. All the BIL's fault but now my husband is not able to keep his cool like he had in the past and he becomes very adjitated during conversation. They almost had a blow up over a minor comment the the BIL made. The BIL likes to streatch the truth and my husband has just ignored it in the past but now he feels the need to clairify everything that is said. Then after they left, everything that I did had to be clairified also. "Why did I just give him that look." "What am I trying to do, start a fight." "If I want a fight, he will give me one."
All of this when he hasn't even been to the doctor about it. He really doesn't think there is anything wrong. It is all my fault. So what are we suppose to do??? I am losing my mind. So nervious all the time now. What I hate the worst is when he gets mad at me or thinks that he isn't "worthy" any more and sleeps in the basement room. And also won't talk much. The ignoring and alinitation hurts me the worst. I have the most trouble with the sleeping apart. Sorry about the spelling, I have trouble with it.
To Mary in Montana, I feel for you. I've gone back and forth in my head: most of the time I realize this whole thing has nothing to do with me. Much of the time I can trust my instincts - this is not who my husband has been in years gone by, he's different in subtle and not-so-subtle ways and I live here so I see it and know it even though other people can't. I think my husband is the most blaming and angry when he realizes he's made a mental mistake, forgotten important things, or is stressed from some social occassion, and feels stupid. Of course I'm the only one who lives here with him - I remember things or see him when he's feeling foolish. The contrast between my functioning and his is often quite obvious here in the privacy of our home. I think that's why my husband acts out sometimes. A few times he has even said things that indicated he didn't think he was/is as good as some other men we know and hoped I wasn't wishing I was with one of those other men. One time recently his anger was so intense -pacing and yelling - that I was starting to feel a little afraid even though he's never been abusive to me in the years past. I just had to leave for a little while to give him a chance to cool down. I think he just can't contain himself like he used to. I try to give him a little more space than we were used to having in our relationship. I miss the closeness but I think it takes some of his stress away. I wish I knew what we were supposed to do - I think it's just getting through each day the best we can. And it can be nerve racking. I find the people on this site to be very understanding and helpful. You are not alone. Keep coming back.
I've been away for several days and havn't been around a computer.
Thank you for your input....I really need to know that I'm not alone with this. Not that I would wish this on anyone. I haven't talked to him since Sunday and am dreading checking up on him because I know how nasty he will be. Maybe tomorrow. I wondered about the personality traits being more pronounce now with this desease. He also is seeing a psychologist for PTSD which is making it harder to deal with him. I so want to move away and start a new life but I know I will never do it.
Amber, Thank you so much for sharing; it is so much like my life and a comfort to know I'm not alone. It is a miserable rotten disease we are living with... And there are many good people to share stories with and find comfort. The LO's may be mean; we are not... Or something like that.
After about a week of things being almost normal, we are hit with another full moon. Suspicion, anger, agitation, this all comes with the full moon. He will start a fight about almost anything. In the past, and this has been going on for quite a few years, I felt that during a full moon, he knew that he had problems and should be able to deal with it. I expected him to try to control himself. (Our daughter has problems with the full moon also.) I warn her to remember it is a full moon and "not turn into a weirwolf." She is now understanding what her dad is dealing with and it scares her. She tends to take after her father. Skin tone, moodiness, "full moon" syndrome and knows that this might happen to her some day.
All kidding aside, I am wondering how many others have a harder time with their LO during a full moon. I now understand that it's up to me to help him (us) through the three or four days during a full moon
Boy, I too see that apathy and disinhibition. It comes out at the oddest times. Last night I went to build a fire in our fireplace and could not get the striker to work so I asked my DH if he new where a match was, he said "I sure do, it is your face and my butt"...then giggled like an 8 year old, I couldn't even get angry because it was so unlike him and he was so tickled by his own rude humor...go figure.