Well, I think my DH has just gone to the next Stage or so. He is having weird dreams at night and hallucinating during the day. He says he sees things that are not there(birds flying by him) and the one that really made me set up and take notice. He said that when he is driving he sometimes forgets that he is driving. He told me when he saw me react to that, that he shouldn't have told me and I said yes you should. I need to know what is going on. It sounds like he is having trouble with knowing the difference between what is real and what is not. I told him that he is never driving the car alone again.
He really shouldn't be driving at all but so far I can't get him to quit. He only drives during the day and it is only twice a week and not very far but I don't think it would take very much for him to have an accident. I can't see the doctor in person until Feb. Do you think that I could write him a letter and let him know what is going on so that he could do something to stop him from driving. I am very nervous about his driving even when I am in the car.
I'm nervous driving with my DH also. I've been doing 95% of the driving since I convinced him that he could injure some innocent person. He also gets headaches that affect his vision so I added that to my plea. My concern is not as much with the driving itself but that he has lost his ability to recognize familiar routes. I consider myself lucky that the driving is not as big an issue as I thought it would be since he was a salesman covering 6 states for 30 years.
Good luck with getting you DH to quit driving. I believe I read on one of the threads that there could be a problem with insurance if there is an accident after an AD DX.
Absolutely, Joan. Joan and Deb, you can read a lot about ways that different people have got LO's to stop driving on the thread The driving issue. I'll bring it to the top for you.
Hi Deb, A friend of ours had dementia and was truly a danger on the road. His son called his dads pcp who was very familiar with the situation. The pcp sent a letter to the DMV who then revoked his dads license. Having a license revoked still dosen't mean a determined person won't drive but it does make it illegal and cancels the car insurance. Our friend would have continued to drive but his son took the car away. Our friend was angry with his son til the day he died but it had to be done. We all knew something tragic would happen if he continued. I feel lucky John did not put up a big fight when our Dr. told him he could no longer drive. On the lighter side...one day when we were out I had to make a hard stop in traffic. John looked at me and said calmly "I can drive at least as well as you." I wish you luck as I know this is a difficult situation for many of us. cs
Your husband is having hallucinations and sometimes forgetting that he is driving, and you continue to let him drive? You say that you can’t get him to quit driving? Please, for the safety of the other people on the road, try harder! Maybe there will be a big unpleasantness when you stop him, but that will be nothing compared to the unpleasantness that could be waiting if he kills somebody.
You know that your husband has dementia and is not thinking clearly. So why is he the one making the decision as to whether or not he drives? You are the caregiver. You are supposed to take care of him and keep him safe. That includes getting him off the road when he is a danger to himself and to others.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh. But allowing your husband to continue to drive with the problems you have described is absolutely crazy. You HAVE to stop him. Today. Take the keys away, let the air out of the tires, do something to keep him off the road. You can ask the doctor for his help in getting your husband’s license revoked, but the responsibility is yours. Yes, it’s hard. But that’s what we have to do as caregivers to keep our loved ones (and those on the road with them) safe.
deb--Contacting the doctor is a good idea, but obviously, it isn't an immediate solution. I agree with Jan that this is a crisis situation and you should act quickly. I took our car to a place that installs car stereo systems and they put in a kill switch (a hidden toggle switch under the dashboard) for $65. It took about an hour for them to do it--you flip the switch and the car won't start. If you don't want to directly address stopping him yourself, that would be a solution until the doctor takes action. It was worth every penny to me to have this option available, if I needed it.
Oh dear friends, the DRIVING thread probably says it all. We've been there..the long difficult and scary times..mindboggling effort and fear plus all the legal ramifications if they've been diagnosed. I just have to thank everyone here for the support during our time with this. Its such a blessing when our loved ones are cooperative enough to agree to voluntarily stop driving. Not many of us are that lucky.
Definitely check the driving thread; it's imperative that the driving stop. A lawsuit would not be fun. I talked w/hb's pcp, and she ordered a cognitive/reaction test by therapist connected w/local hospital. He failed. Results were sent to BMV; his license revoked. Since it's on the record, insurance companies know and won't insure him.
I agree that this is a very hard thing to accomplish....taking the keys and the independence all in one fell swoop. But, and this is so important, by letting an impaired person drive, you are endangering the life of everyone on the road. I made my husband quit driving....and, boy, was he pissed. Yes, I took a lot of abuse because of it but I knew that I would never be able to live with myself if something horrible would have happened.
Think of this as dealing with a child.....if your five year old wanted to run through the house with scissors and knives in their hands would you allow it? No, you wouldn't. Our husbands/wives are much like a young child....they are no longer able to determine what is safe for them.
lets get this out there as well. once you discuss the driving losses here on a public forum and its 'out there' you can no longer use the excuses that your spouse is able to safely operate a vehicle. its your moral as well as legal duty and as their DPOA (which most of us have) to ensure they are protected against themselves and to protect others on the roads.
you can be held accountable for not ensuring the safety of others-we must remember they cannot think for themselves and make judgement calls when the lives of others are at risk -no matter how unreasonable they can become about giving up driving.
its a terribly sensitive subject most of us will have to endure but just that. you MUST get them off the roads or be ready for the consequences - nothing about AD is pleasant and taking charge is one of them= divvi
deb, get your husband off the road and take the keys, not only could he hurt innocent people but you can be sued for everything you have and the people who sue you would WIN. The officials will look at his medical history and BOOM, you are as responsible for him driving as you would be a toddler. It is considered a CRIME
deb42657, I know it wouldn't be easy to get my DH to stop driving on my own, but for me, there isn't a choice. State of California requires doctors to report any mental problems, and at dx of my DH they automatically put him through all the tests, and gave him his license for two years. But, now we got new papers, and I'm not sure what they will do this time. He fakes it real well, can carry on a pretty good conversation, but I'm not sure if he could pass the written test. All he says to me is...You better be ready to take my everywhere I want to go!!!! :(. I did talk to the doctors and the Alzheimers center, and I said I haven't noticed any real problems with his driving. They said yeah, but we see he has problems multitasking, and driving really involves multitasking, so it's not a good idea. I fight this because we live 30 minutes from town, and he is constantly wanting to go somewhere for something, and truthfully I enjoy the "quiet time", but now realize that is pretty selfish, and, so will accept the situation as it is...no more driving for him.
Last December my DH showed up at the Y where I was on the treadmill. I said, I thought you didn't want to come. He said that he had changed his mind. After exercising, he said that he could not remember if he had driven. We looked all around the parking lot and found his car. That was when I told him that he could not drive anymore and that I would drive him wherever he wanted to go. His only comment was what if you are not here. He meant what if I were dead. I told him that one of his kids or whoever was taking care of him would drive him. Since then he does not even mention driving.
I know I was lucky when it came to the driving problem. DH was in the insurance business and when I reminded him that if he had an accident or killed an innocent person that he would have problems living with himself and he agreed. He chose not to renew his license and rarely mentions not driving. This conversation was early on when he could reason a little bit. To be sure he didn't drive I took his keys and make sure my keys are hidden from slght.
Please read my posts under the topic Driving, how do you handle it. I am as frustrated and upset as Joan's blogs on the topic reflect. I have just had the rug pulled out from under me by the State of Texas! I have to believe we would not be discussing the issue or mentioning it if we did not know in our hearts that our spice should not be driving. In a moment of misery I even thought to myself that if I had not found this board and read everyones comments on the driving issue I might not have pressed the issue and be in the fix I'm in now. So, my misery is all YOUR FAULT my dear friends! <grin>
Seriously, this will be one of the, if not THE, hardest things we must do but it is also one that has the most implications for danger to the public, our spice, ourselves from a standpoint of losing everything we have worked all our lives for because of lawsuits, etc. As Sandi said, we are dealing with grownups who have the comprehension of a child. Like it or not (and I don't) we are the ones in charge and must act.
I am constantly getting hurtful comments from DH about this issue, he says I am trying to take away all of his freedom. This man was a chemical engineer for 40+ years, very conservative, believed in insurance to protect us from harm -- now he is a child, willing to throw away everything and risk his life as well as the lives of others just so he can selfishly go where he wants when he wants.
I hate this disease and I hate what it has made of me. God bless us all.
P. S. For those of you "waffling" on this matter, our posts will feel like we are ganging up on you -- indeed we are -- it's painful but it's something we must hear.
Weejun-- I threw the comment out before, but maybe with more thought this time. Have you thought to contact an investigative reporter, or a state representative. See if you can get the issue into the public eye. You can't be the only one facing this issue, in all of Texas.
Even though it was very hard to read some of your posts I appreciate them. When you ask for someones advice it would be stupid to only want the advice you want to hear. I have never thought of myself as stupid. I told him TODAY that he will not be driving again. He didn't like it at all and now all I have to do is stick to my guns and not give in when he comes up with excuses as to why he wants to drive and where. I am not use to treating him like a child but that is what he is and the sooner I recognize that the better. I have been hoping that he would decide for himself to quit driving during the day because he did volunteer to quit driving during the night. But it never happened so I am going to have to do it for him. I hate it too because it does cut into my free time like was said earlier but I don't have a choice. I need to find some other way to have free time. That is why I go to bed so late at night because I value my free time. I can't win for losing.
It does cut into your free time, but I have just programmed it into my day like everything else. My husband still plays golf 2 or 3 times a week with the senior citizens. I drive him to the golf course and he calls me when he is ready to be picked up. He knows he can't drive there and he never even suggests it. It's funny, though. Some of the guys know about his Alz, some don't. Those who don't have just made up their own stories - one told my husband he heard he lost his license for DUI. I guess if you don't know the real story, you can just make one up. LOL
Yes, actually it would. However, a lady friend of ours who golfs and lives one block from us has asked Buzz to play with her in the past and offered to pick him up. Nope, he wanted me to drive him. He even wanted me to drive him and his daughter once when they played together. She insisted she drive and he went along with it, but he didn't like it.
Yes, it would be great. Our experience has shown that guys are pretty inept at handling friends who are diagnosed with AD. (My apologies to the great male spouses who post here.) The majority of my husband's friends are sad about his situation, but are intimidated by the dx and awkward about what to do. They take the easy way out--do nothing. They wait for their wives and me to set up times for us to get together, they don't see him outside of that. There is only one exception, a male friend who calls me on his own and makes dates to take Steve out to dinner. He also invites/encourages some of the other guys to go along. I wish we had 10 more of him! In their defense, most of them are still working and they apparently choose to spend their free time as they always did--playing golf, cards, etc. with their well friends. I have come to accept that this is just the way it is.
We've lived in this house for almost 40 years. The neighbors next door were here when we got here, and the ones on the other side inherited the house from their parents who were here then too. The younger pair are still working, so I wouldn't expect them to offer to help, and indeed they never have - but the other couple, my age (70s) are always here in an emergency. The husband is particularly, and always, generous and ready to help. He will even sit and talk to my husband for as long as I need him to. The interesting thing is that until recently, my husband didn't know how to talk to him at all. Husband: math professor, cerebral, shy in many ways. Neighbor: high steel welder, blunt and noisy when watching baseball, proud of being blue collar, union. Now they carry on more conversation than my husband and *I* do!
Deb, thank goodness you are willing to make the sacrifice and do the right thing and not let DH drive..
yay!!! it IS one of the most difficult decisions we have to make -the first one is treating them like the child they have become and recognising they cant do it themselves:)
yes you certainly have the support of ALL of us who have walked the walk and talk the talk! good for you! lets hope you set the example and others who are teetering will follow your good example! divvi
I know how hard it is to take the driving away from them. My husband loved to drive, would drive anywhere without complaint but can't now due to his judgement being way off (FTD). He will still tell me "I can drive" but now he accepts it when I tell him that I know he knows how to drive but it just isn't safe anymore and he would feel horrible if he hurt someone while driving. I agree that it's hard to give up that time when you can me alone. I am never alone in the car for anything.
I also miss him driving as he was my "designated driver" as he didn't drink and when we went out I could have a few glasses of wine and not worry. Now I'm on my own--no more than one glass with dinner. LOL
My husband also loved to drive. We drove to Alaska, pulling our trailer. We drove to California several times, albequeque, NM on rte 66 and to Florida, several timea a year (all from New Yor). Maybe i drove an hour during these trips, he drove the rest of the time. It's very difficult. When I was ill recently, and really didn't feel comfortable driving, I drove out of my driveway, down to my church, and had my son meet me, so DH wouldn't know I couldnt drive, or else he would have insisted. When I had my DIL pick me up at home, I was that sick, he shouted at her that I wasn't ill, and if I were, he could take care of his own wife. It's such an assault on their manhood, taking away that car, but it has to be done, and as their primary passengers, we are the only ones who really know when it's time. All the driving instructors in the world can take them out on the road for 15 minutes, and say they can drive, but.... the fact is they can't. I was fortunate, that his doctor simply sent the note to NYS DMV and had his license revoked. And that is that. But even now, it's horrible when he remembers he has no license. Otherwise, he thinks I'm driving because I need the practice. Let him think whatever keeps him happy as long as he's not driving.
The doctor's office gave me a booklet that talked about the issue of driving and giving it up. One of the suggestions was to talk with the person early on and ask them how they want you to let them know when it is time to stop driving. I thought the suggestion was good and did ask him. At that time he was more reasonable and said when it was no longer safe, he would stop driving. He hit the "no longer safe" point and I told him it was no longer safe. He stopped. That sounds like it was so easy. What was more difficult was getting him to give up driving at night (I won't even begin to repeat the arguments on that one) or even getting him to no longer drive long distances.
He hates the fact that I said that he can't drive anymore. I told him it wasn't safe and he said "but what if I need to drive for some reason" I said, get someone else to drive you because you can't drive. He doesn't like it at all and I can tell that he is going to test me to see how serious I am, just like a child. I am selling his car to the owner of a garage that wants to buy it and fix it up and resell it(it finally went dead). I told my DH that when I take the car off of the insurance he will no longer be insured and it is illegal to drive without insurance. He said "well can't you put me on yours?' I said, "I don't know but I don't think so!" Would that be considered one of those special kind of lies that I can't remember the name of? I call it a theraputic lie(for lack of the right word) This is one of the hardest things I will have to do. I think that is weird considering all the other things we have to go through, you would think they would be pretty hard too. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Thank you for all of your support. I could feel it when I was putting my foot down.
Well done so far, Deb. We'll all hang onto your foot to give it more weight <grin>
Around here I am just as still as a mouse about driving and nothing is happening. Keys safely hidden, and no attempts to drive. My car is parked behind his on the driveway and he doesn't metnion it. I drive or we take bikes or public transport. Discussion is impossible and I'm afraid would wake the sleeping dogs.
Deb, we call them fiblets, and we do use them quite a bit. without too much guilt, i might add. you do what you must. Jeanette, I did that for awhile, but the driving issue does come up, I guess til they forget they ever knew how to drive. That hasn't happened yet.
Deb--Therapeutic fib is another name--taking the word "lie" out may help you do it. I found it a little weird to use the technique at first with someone I had never fibbed to, who was my equal and partner. However, it gets easier the more you do it! One thing that helped is that he never questions what I tell him--he accepts it--so that also makes it easier to do. You'll get the hang of it, I'd wager that no other single issue will be as tough as the driving. If you can conquer that, you can do anything.
I think I'm the fiblet queen. I will say most anything if it makes him happy. I would NEVER EVER have spoken a mistruth to him early on,...not even about buying too many shoes... (He'd have to ask first).... but now, Fiblets roll off my tongue much too easily.
Janet, we're not talking harmful/hurtful lies. But as time goes on, and they ask questions about insignificant things, I'm determined to keep him happy by answering in a way he wants me to. "Yes, Jean will come visit us soon." (His sweet younger sister, Jean, died in May, why keep dwelling on it? If I was hell-bent on making him realize the sad truth that she had died, what would be gained?) That is the kind of fiblet I tell. My answer satisfies him and he won't mention her again for weeks or months.
We survive here on fiblets, careful omissions, etc. I'm learning what topics cause fury and I avoid them at all costs, and fiblets have saved many a moment.
The way I think it must be is like dealing with children. When you had little children you only told them what you think they could handle at whatever age(stage) they were. As they grew up you told them more but in our case they will never grow up they will only get younger. Also he forgets what I have told him anyway, until the next time it comes up.
My favorite thing to fiblet about is the cost of things. My Dh is 86 and grew up in the depression, when milk was a nickle. I'm 66, and was never wealthy, but I never really felt poor, although we lived in a tenement, so did everyone else. Anyway, when he asks how much something costs, I simply cut it by quarters, and tell him one fourth of the real price. Sometimes less, depending. i just had work done on the car which cost me $800.... he would have died if he knew how much, so I told him $200, and he still thought it was too much. I tell him a lot of things are free. look what I found!!! he certainly has no idea what groceries cost. You do what you must.
Yes, my dh is just so much happier if he thinks things are cheaper than they are. I can't let him know how much the hairdresser costs me: he thinks it's just a haircut and the same price as his. I try to keep all invoices and bank statements out of sight, as they would just worry him. He came home from the bike repair shop the other day saying the repair was free (he had just walked out with his bike without paying), and I never let him know I stopped in to pay the bill the next day. I also told a fib when I went to the Alzheimer support group the other night; I told him it was like a town meeting but only for ladies this time. And he thinks the new med (Risperdal) is a vitamin. It's the only way to keep the household running peacefully.
Well, think I told the biggest fiblet of my life today. Told DH I had thrown away his car key. I had a meeting to attend this morning so he spent my entire absence calling auto dealerships trying to find out how to get another key. Kept him busy and out of trouble. Called me 4 times while I was at the meeting complaining of how much it was going to cost to get the special ignition key. When I got home he was still furious. Am guessing his blood pressure is almost as high as mine always is! I finally told him I was not discussing cars or keys anymore. We've had lunch so now he's laying down. Know I'll have to deal with this again when he gets up later but it bought me some time...
Write a letter to your doctor and give him your DH's driver's slicense number. Tell him about your DH's problems driving. Ask him to write to the Department of Licesing. They will then write to your DH and have him come in for an evaluation of his current driving skills.
I hate to sound harsh, but these are the exact words our PCP said to me when I metioned about my DH's driving. He should not be driving at all. It only takes a miute to have a tragic accident. Someone could sue you and your husband and they would win. They could end up taking your house, etc.
Doing it that way saves you from being the nag. Being the one who took daddy's lisence away from him. Works like a charm.