I am conflicted. it is my mother in law with alzheimers. i respect and care for her greatly. her husband has earned my respect also. he has a job that takes him away on business 6 out of 7 days a week. either that or he is up in a city about 100 miles away. in that city is a group of people, a young couple with 2 kids and an older lady. he has bought them a house and given them cars, bought a vacation house with them too. from what i have seen at least $500,000 worth of stuff for nothing in return but their "friendship". I have seen the deed to their house where he signed his wifes name using power of attorney. I have seen it all and have undeniable proof of it. my husbands mother still lives at home and knows where everything is. her husband now wants to uproot her and move her to the city 100 miles away, and start his new life with those people. i have 2 young children that have seemingly been replaced by their grandpa by the 2 children who live there. is this something that is normal? and right now my husband and his brother buy their mom food every night because she is not capable of making it or getting it herself. the last time i hugged her her spine was "sharp". she will not let anyone in her house she doesn't recognize. and he is never home, so i am concerned about her getting anything to eat.

I can understand the need for companionship, but the massive amounts of money given to these people and the move away from his family all are confusing to me. I thought at first what a dirty cheating dog, but i am starting to see that he has the same feelings as the rest of us. i just don't understand the need to leave us. he has gone so far as to make up fake job interviews that "just dont work out" to justify the move. I told him i knew he was lying and he just said "whatever". It all makes no sense, and i just cant wrap my mind around what is the whole truth about the situation.
i need feedback, or something, anythin that would shed some light on wether this is normal, i feel like i an grasping at water. please help

It is normal to want companionship, and if your MIL is no longer able to provide it, understandable that he might look elsewhere.

However, it is NOT normal for him to do so at the expense of his wife. He is clearly looking only at his own wants and needs. He has a legal and moral obligation to put your MIL first.

Your MIL's husband does not have the right to give away so much money when your MIL may need it for her own care.

The fact that he used POA to sign her name says that what he is giving away clearly belongs to HER, and he is seriously abusing the trust that she had in him.

Also, the fact he is never home bothers me greatly. She should not be left alone like that. And you say that it appears that she is losing weight, due to his neglect. And the fact that he has been lying to you about the fake job interviews speaks volumes -- he knows that what he is doing is wrong.

Frankly, this all sounds very much like elder abuse to me. And it also sounds as if you and your husband are the only people who can step in and protect her. I would talk to an eldercare attorney. And I would seriously consider talking with Adult Protective Services.

I realize you said that he had earned your respect, but I suspect that was before AD came into the picture. It seems that the stress of the situation has been too much for him, and now he is showing you a very different side.

Aw, nuts, I'm going to stop beating around the bush. He IS a dirty cheating dog. And cheating on an AD patient who cannot defend or care for herself ... that's the lowest form of life. I don't mean cheating in the sense of companionship, I mean cheating in the sense of neglecting her, stealing from her, and now trying to move her away from her loving family so he can do whatever he wants without any interference from you.

If he wants companionship elsewhere, then he should file for a divorce, or at least a legal separation, and let the courts decide what assets go with him and what stays with your mother. I suspect he won't do that because he wants it all to himself.

thanks for your input. It is reassuring that i am not over reacting. we are going to try to open up a dialogue that will hopefully provide us with some answers. im so tired of all of the secrets and lies.

My husband is having a hard time talking about all of it. after i showed him the papers and all of it, he got the picture pretty clearly. he just wants to do the best by his mom and then his dad can do what ever he wants to after everything is said and done. he fully expects his dad to leave and act like we never existed. the cheating and moving on with his life is the hardest for him. the fact that she only has had alzheimers for a year and a half now and he has clearly moved on, and has made plans to move everything is just hard to comprehend. he gave those people the first car ($50,000) while she still could understand and object. she had said she didnt want anything to do with them. we will no longer have anything to do with the people from the city 100 miles away since we know what is really happening, but i dont know how my kids are still going to see their grandma if the only way we can is if those people are around. literally, so he can get them in his house, he invites our kids over and they all have a "playdate" he rents a hotel room for those people and everything. he takes them swimming at the hotel, or brings them into his house while i guess he explains that they are our friends (otherwise his mother would not let them in). the whole thing is just heartbreaking for him.

I've wondered how many couples BOTH have AD. If you live to the mid-80's and 50% in that age group have some sort of dementia my guess is that would happen...and could be what is happening in this case.

my fil has purchased a house .....next door to those people. he has told us he is in singapore until next wednesday ( he has not told us that he bought a house yet, the job interview that has not worked out ruse is still going) fortunately i knew that was going to happen and have been checking the auditors website for him, and there it is!!!. we have decided to take your alls advice and get her all of the help she needs and tell him he can go sow his wild oats as long as she is paid for. also he has just lost his grandkids and the title worlds best grandpa is officially revoked. this is probably the saddest day of my life to be so betrayed. he actually traded in his wifes car last weekend for a car for that lady. how sick is that.

i had asked my father in law to set up an appointment with the doctors so we can see where DMIL is in her progression after getting advice about what to do on here, and at first he said he would do it, and now he said he doesnt think talking to the doctor is worth it, because the doctor just keeps telling him to put her in a home. she has had dimentia or ad for 1 1/2 years now and is not that far along. i have never heard of anyone professional ADVOCATING someone to put someone in a home all of the research i have done and reading and everything says to keep them at home as long as possible to keep them comfortable as long as possible and as long as you can care for them. i have never heard of a doctor pushing for nursing home care. is it just me or does this seem off?