Shadowing: My husband has started follow me everywhere, he is always in the way, staring at me. I close the bathroom door just to be alone & he opens it. I hate to think I am going to need to lock the door just to have a minute to myself.
Showering: How do you come to the place where it doesn't matter if they shower everyday? I know others have mentioned their spouse doesn't shower everyday, How did you learn to cope with that? He is fine after I finally get him in the shower, however, getting his clothes off is another story. I don't mind washing him, toweling him off, helping to make sure he gets his clothes on correct, but it is so frustrating to beg, plead or whatever, to get him in the shower.
Toileting: My husband still uses the toilet....which I am grateful, however, he will not wipe. If I am lucky I can hand him toilet paper & eventually he will wipe, but if I am not in the room he won't. How do you get to the point, that you no longer think about them walking around all day with dirty bottoms.
So I guess my question is: How did you learn to just let things go, without going crazy?
Kadee...I sure know what you mean. When a previously fastidious person loses all interest in hygiene it's difficult to cope with. I had to settle for three showers a week and getting him to do that was tough. The reward system worked pretty well. Ex: If you take a shower we'll get a big mac. I also used his toilet time to transistion to the shower. After he'd been sitting a while I would start the shower and say cheerily "Good time for a shower you're half undressed anyway. Sometimes it worked sometimes not. Sadly you have to lower your standards to keep some sanity.I wish you luck. cs
Showering every day is the norm in lots of households, and it used to be for us, but for environmental reasons -- conservation of heat and water -- we agreed some years ago to shower every other day. And never experienced any discomfort from it. That may have made the transition to DH showering even less often, easier to deal with Although my goal is still every other day. The reward system that cs describes works pretty well for me too.
I haven't experienced the shadowing or lack of bottom cleaning yet, so I'm interested to hear what others will say.
I usually get my DH in the shower once a week, and shaved. I get him to do that because we have plans to see someone, or a dr's appt or something, and he wants to be ready. If nothing is going on, he refuses, telling me he just had one yesterday (not). but honestly, he does nothing but lay around, so... that's that. as for that other item, so far his underwear is unstained, so I'm guessing it's not a problem. i do give him privacy in the bathroom, although he leaves the door open, which he never did before. so strange how these things happen and the things you would never expect.
Mine likes to get in the tub but seldom flips the shower part on. As long as I can I'll try to maintain that routine. How much scrubbing off he does I dunno. But bottom wiping is a pain and I usually just take over. I hate it.
This morning I can only say I sure understand, Kadee. The shadowing is worse for me right now. Every now and then, DH will skip the shower and let me know he's already showered when he hasn't. I'm with Chris on bathroom issues..so far. The underwear is the clue.. I have the highest praise for Divvi and the many others who seem to glide through the bathrooming factors with style and grace!
there are countless topics here under showering, incontinence, and shadowing threads that can offer some ideas. kadee the shadowing is like an invasion of your own personal space and very hard to accept. its nervewracking. mine also used to have to STAND in the small toileting areas with me while i went in. like yours he would open doors and be on my heels 24/7. it was relentless. i wish i had known how 'afraid' he must be a lot earlier to deal with it better. i had no support group then. we use the term 'suck it up' alot here and basically its what you do, you lose yourself to AD and let it own and manipulate you for the time needed. give in -its much easier than fighting and you wont win anyway. accepting defeat before you fight is even harder but necessary to remain sane. the wiping issue can cause chaffing at some point without bathing or random cleanups. i used to be where you are without ability to get clothes off peacefully. you pick your battles and after so long you have to put your foot down and demand a bath or cleanup. in a NH they bath them and clean up over their objections as well so its not any different for us except theres only one of us!:) the rewards system works well too. i used candy bars, lay on out of the vanity and say you have it after your bath or after we clean your bottom. find something he likes and dont give it but only for these issues. maybe it will work for you too. good luck, i know how fustrating it all can be and so very overwhelming. a bath a week and the throw away in a bag cloth baths work well in between if they are difficult cases. divvi
I guess I must be really fortunate. With regard to showering, DW has that done 3 times a week at the Adult Day Care, so generally I don't have to worry about it. Today, since we are having another couple for dinner tonight and she had not had a shower yesterday due to a doctor's appointment, I suggested we both take a shower. She agreed with no problem.
Regarding wiping, she stopped doing that several months ago. Now I stay in the bathroom with her every time she goes. If she has a BM I wipe her bottom with a wet wash cloth. I bought a large supply of them at Walmart. She has no objection, and even cooperates by standing the way I want her to. After 55 years of marriage we have become pretty much used to everything. There were several times she had to clean up after me when I had a serious GI upset, so I figure this is payback time.
For the men, I find it very helpful to have her in a skirt pretty much all the time. Then it is much easier to change her Depend if it has gotten soiled. I found it a real pain to have to take off her slacks, change the Depend, and then put the slacks back on. For you women, you could get your DH's to wear kilts, but I doubt that will work.
holysmokes, Marsh, DH is irish and has his kilt and clan stuff in his closet! dont give him ideas, i can see him 'flashing' anyone who comes by. its bad enough with long pants! divvi ps marsh i checked out the website and tranquilty 34oz underwear. i am goin gto order some and try. thanks.
I guess it doesn't help my stress level since I have a Type A personality, some OCD & my kids tell me I am anal retentive. I am trying the best I can to change, but I get so frustrated. I wish he would just let me wipe him, it would be much easier. I heard the toilet flush this morning while eating breakfast, I knew what that meant... sometimes he will flush if he poops, I ask him if he pooped & as always he says no. Thankfully, the next time I seen him go to pee I followed him. Ask him to please wipe just in case, of course he was not clean. His underwear was a complete mess, suggested we change, which he did. He acted so surprised that his underwear were soiled. Wish me luck, we are going to dinner with my son & family & I still need to get him out of his bedtime tee-shirt & into a clean one.
The shadowing was really difficult for me. Every time I turned around my dh was there. I couldn't take a shower without him wanting to join me. He was always 2 steps behind my left or right shoulder when we walked. I finally had to say I needed some time for me alone. Then he came unglued. He wouldn't go in the bathroom if I was there at all. About that same time he started having some extreme mood swings. After 2 months, I took him to the doctor and they gave him an anti-depresant. It helped even his moods and the shadowing went way down.
I had a new one last night..should be listed under lessons learned, I guess. We were watching an episode (via Netflix) of Rescue Me which became VERY graphic about sexual encounters and men's "proportions". I realized, too late, that G was being very quiet. We haven't been intimate in over a year...for a variety of reasons..and it has never been discussed..until I was getting ready for bed, then the size importance, how I felt etc. all came out as though we had just been intimate ! it is as though a light turned on, but I was able to difuse it easily (I think). Be more aware of show's contents is the lesson for the day, but frankly, who would think that would have been shown on a TV channel? Surely opened up what could have been a real problem discussion.