My husband's family always has a big Christmas party on the Saturday before Christmas. Three of us take turns doing it (his sister says her house is too small), and this year it's my turn. It's just the end of August and I'm already freaking out about doing it. Should I or should I try to get one of the others in the family to do it? There are about 45 adults and kids to feed dinner, etc. to.
Any ideas or comments would be appreciated. Thnks.
Yes, be upfront with one of your relatives (preferabble one that hasn't done this party before. It'll be a good learning experience.) and offer to bring a salad, wine, flowers for the table, etc. Offer to come and help set up. . Explain that with your husband and the care that he needs, you just don't feel comfortable comitting to that type of a party. By the time you get done, she should be feeling really 'good' about 'helping you out.'
At this point in time, you shouldn't have to feel obligated to put on a party of that size. It'll take the best part of a week to get everything prepared--before you get the house decorated and cleaned up for the party.
I'm tired just thinking about it. Good luck and Merry Christmas. :)
You've got this listed as off topic but I believe it is on topic. Our traditions are changing! I agree with Mawzy, be up front with your relatives. You can all talk and come up with some new traditions. You will need the option of leaving if your husband isn't able to handle the large crowd. It is much easier to leave and be polite than to tell everyone to leave your home.
I agree. Traditions will have to change -- I too have been thinking about holiday responsiblities. I've already told my younger son that DH and I will not be able to furnish their airport transport anymore if they fly to the States for the family Christmas celebrations. (We go earlier and stay longer). Last year we picked them up and took them back to the Detroit airport but it was a horrible thing to have to do in December weather (DH, still driving then, refused to drive into the airport parking lot because (I think) there was so much snow that the entrance seemed too narrow. It was all I could do to keep him from driving away from the airport without picking them up! We finally found a different entrance without so much snow.) DS understands entirely that we can't do it, but since that will mean he would have to get his own rental car, they probably won't come and everybody will be disappointed not to see their babies. Too bad. AD changes things for everyone. Better be upfront and open about the problems.
Each year, I post a comprehensive resource regarding the holidays. I do not keep it up on the home page all year - I usually put it up beginning in October, but if you want to access it now, copy and paste
Mawzy, Diane and Jeanette gave you great advice. Traditions have to change. You shouldn't try to have it at your home. You need to be able to leave if everything gets too much for him. You don't need the added pressure of hosting either. Your relatives should understand. As they have said, you can co-hostess at another home and help furnish decorations and dishes. I think that will make your holidays much easier and better for both of you.
Having said that, my kids want to come home for Christmas, to be together and to make it easier to get through this first Christmas without Diane. She had never missed being at home for Christmas, so they know it will be rough. So I'm facing a house full, and a couple of motel rooms to boot. But, other than cleaning and decorating the house, I'm leaving everything else to them to do. I'm going to sit back and hold my husband's hand and watch everyone and hug and share love and laughter. I hope.
Deb...my MIL always hosted Christmas Eve but since she passed away 6 years ago my BIL and I have taken turns.Guess what? Yep it's my turn. John is in a nh now but I don't have the money to do it. In addition, I don't even know where I'll be living come December. I know my BIL will understand I just hate to see tradition go by the wayside. As I am typing this the light bulb went off! Our kids are not "kids"anymore. Except for 1 they're all married with children of their own. Humm...think it's time for them to step up and start taking their turn. This year I will help my BIL with all the prep work and clean up. He's a sweetheart so I know he'll be ok with it. After we open gifts, we'll put names in a hat and draw for next years host. A years notice should be sufficient. We don't have to lose our traditions just change them up a little. I'm very pleased with my plan. Wonder what the kids will think? Don't really care. lol cs
I found that it is too much to have the Christmas dinner here. I am happy to cook and take things to one of the kids homes. We have 20 people in our immediate family. We no longer have to have Christmas china, sterling silver and crystal. Our kids are more informal and we have as much fun. I have spent too many years in the kitchen. Caring for DH takes all my energy. There is also the fact that he is no help and I don't know how he will behave. He gets very irritable in large groups.
Our Christmas gathering/reunion has shifted several times over the years. It's changed locations, and seasons. Until about 3 years ago we were getting together at the end of July -beginning of August at my brother's. Since Mom started staying in Michigan year 'round again, it's at her condo, the first Sat. in Aug. She does the meat and everybody brings dishes. During the week before, different kids will bring tables and chairs, and the day of 1 or 2 will show up early to set them up. The sister flying in from TX does a watermelon. With Mom, aunts & uncles (sometimes), kids and spouses, grandkids and spouses, significant others, friends, and now a local great-grand, it's a houseful. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next year or two, a couple of the Grands start hosting. Mom still has a Christmas get together, but it's more a 'whoever can, comes' type thing, but again everybody brings dishes. Nobody bears the burden of all the meals and prep, in home guests, etc. alone.
Traditions are bendable to family needs, and new ones can replace ones outdated by circumstances.
"Traditions are bendable to family needs, and new ones can replace ones outdated by circumstances." Yes, Carosi, I'm thinking of changing some traditions this year. After the 4 day crying spell I've just had, I don't think I want to host our Christmas gathering this year. DH doesn't travel well, though. We're between a rock and a hard place here. '
Our family consists only of us, our two sons, and their wives - no grandchildren. DH has 2 sisters and a brother, but they all celebrate with their own families. I have a sister and brother, neither of whom is married or has kids. My sister celebrates with us. No one knows what my brother does. We're in Illinois, one son is in Virginia, and one is in Ohio. Son in Virginia claims to be an atheist, won't celebrate Christmas, and refuses to travel during the holidays, partly because his wife is a musician who can get lots of good "gigs" and make extra money. Other son's wife is a minister who has to work at Christmas. I'm dreading the holidays because there will only be me, dH, and my sister. It hardly seems worth decorating or cooking.
Christmas is my holiday. I love decorating and usually start Thanksgiving weekend - inside and out. I have cut back since it's hard to get the stuff from the attic without DH's help but I do a lot still. DH's son/wife is in AZ; my son in Ft. Lauderdale. No grandchildren. My one sister and Mom (in NH) is in north FL. DH's son never comes at Christmas. Mine does, but can't this year - awaiting the pancreas and kidney transplant. So...it will be just DH and I. But I will have an open house sometime during the holidays - usually about 40-50 people drop by between 2-5 o'clock in the afternoon. I hope I can still do that this year. DH did very well last year - and everyone knows his problem and they are all helpful. I love this holiday - even if it's just the two of us!
Christmas has always been Charlie's all time favorite holiday. He did not do well at the last 2 (at our house) because the noise, kids and everyone talking at once confused him. At one time he would have been right there in the middle of it but no more. However, with him in the nursing home this year, that presents a whole new set of problems. Do I try to bring him home for a day (just me and him - no noise and children) or would that just confuse him. I am afraid he will think that I have brought him home for good and he won't want to go back. Or he could even not want to come home. He can't speak or communicate so it is hard to figure out what would be best for him.
Do you think YOU would enjoy taking Christmas to Charlie? If so, maybe you could have a small table tree, and bring him pudding or something special he might remember, and maybe his own vibrating toothbrush wrapped as a gift. (my husband LOVES to unwrap presents, even though he doesn't talk, doesn't know what we are saying - other than basic instructions sometimes, needs help dressing, etc..., but presents - he remembers those, just like a child. So I'm getting him a couple of vibrating small things to hold in his hand.) Christmas can only be as joyful as we feel up to making it. Some of us can be "up" this year and make ourselves have a good time; and for some of us, the load is going to be to heavy this year. Somehow, we will each make it through...and with ideas and love and support from our "family" here!!!
Christmas has "always" been at our house (the family home, not our retirement apartment). The kids and their families celebrate Christmas eve with spouses family, then come to Maine on Christmas day. Thus, we have presents and dinner the day after. They do all the food buying (except they may ask me to get the turkey) and preparation. My wife used to love decorating the house, but can't do that any more, so if it is decorated it will be done by one or more of the kids. Our oldest daughter will be here for Thanksgiving, so may start some of the decorations then. She and husband will be back for Christmas. Basically, my wife and I sit there and enjoy watching the kids and grands enjoy the holiday.
Thanks for all your thoughts. I'm going to have to talk to my sister-in-laws and let them know that I can't do it. My two kids are grown but one will be in Korea this year and my daughter will be here but between her working full time and going to school full time she doesn't have alot of time to help me--even though I know she would. My husband was always a big help when it was our turn to host the party and I did enjoy it too but this year since he is unable/apathetic to help me, I finally have to agree that it would be too much. Even my mom said to me that I should let someone else from his family to it.
We fly to Newark, stay a couple days in Allentown with elder son and family (house full of lively kids, dog, decorations), do Christmas shopping there, then drive (this year maybe fly) to Ohio to help my mother get ready. At 87 she still likes (with my help) to roast a turkey with dressing and all the trimmings on Christmas Day. Sometimes younger DS has arrived by that time from Holland, often one or two of my other brothers. Then from Dec 27-29, Mom rents a beauiful huge house at Lakeside on Lake Erie and everybody comes, except sometimes my younger son does not come from Holland. Everybody sleeps there except for one brother and his kids and grandkids, they stay at his place a short drive away on the lake. The different families are in charge of each meal, and the cleanup. There are 10 great-grandkids younger than 8 now so the place is pretty wild, but it's big and the kids tend to congregate on the porch where the video games are. Big gift exchange, games, puzzles, and walks along the lake. This gathering is important to my mother and to me, it's often the only time I see brothers from Colorado and Philadelphia and their kids. Last year was the first time after dx; I had emailed about it to everyone. DH sat by himself often, had some trouble keeping track of who everybody was and went to bed early but there were no major problems. I don't really know whether he had a good time. What I worry about is that he has increasingly less patience with noisy children.
Since my DIL is Jewish, we don't have a big celebration on Christmas although we put up a tree and have presents and my granddaughter loves them and my DIL is happy to enter into the celebrations, just not have them at her house - I have a great picture of grandchild Sarah lighting Chanukah candles on a side table with the tree in the background. We usually have our bigger celebration now at Thanksgiving, with son and DIl and grandchild and daughter and our Ukrainian almost-family and THEIR children and grandchild. I don't mind having it at our house; I still have all the china and silver and so on, and the Ukrainian family son-in-law is the manager of RI's local Cheesecake Factory and loves to cook, so he brings many appetizers and desserts. If the California son comes this year he'll bring great wine and goodies; my DIL brings good challah and foccaccia - all that's left for me is to do the turkey which takes really not that long to prepare.
A few years ago I bought a decorated tree at a charity silent auction; it's a fake one but good quality and came with a lot of fairies and angels all over it, which my grandie loves. But last year my daughter and I decided to go back to the old traditional one. I don't know which we'll do this year.
Christmas was always at our house until the last 3 that we have been back in north Al. After the children all moved to N. Fl. we rented a condo in Gulf Shores and everyone could come. I have prepared Christmas dinner in a lot of strange kitchens but loved every bit of it. Last year after cooking all the old favorites DH pushed it around on his plate and didn't eat. This year I am going to scramble eggs and call it a day. I will put up the tree because if I don't it will be admitting I am OLD. DH really enjoys the tree and I put it up early and leave it to New Years day. I miss Christmas at my house and I want to cry right now.
I was just asking the staff what they do at the nursing home for Christmas today. We use to love Christmas! We always had the whole family down, our immediate family is over 30 people. It just got too much for poor Lynn, so I had to stop hosting it about 5 years ago. My brother took over since then and for the past 3 years I haven't been able to attend. It was just Lynn and I.
I would still decorate and buy gifts for him to give me etc, but I had to play Christmas day by ear, depending on how he was doing. More than once we had a can of soup for dinner and didn't open the gifts until another day. If at all. I STILL have all of last years still wrapped.
Christmas time last year was one of the most depressing times in my life. My Dad had died, Lynn was the worst he had ever been and I was feeling truly sorry for myself. On Christmas Eve night my Mom was taken to the hospital by ambulance, she was in congestive heart failure and they did not expect her to live the night.
That night forever changed my outlook on Christmas. Being in that hospital room with Mom, we weren't surrounded by decorations, there were no carols, no gifts..... But, we had our family and we were granted our Christmas miracle... Mom DID survive the night and is still going strong! That was my best Christmas ever!!
We used to do a big Christmas. Last year we didn't get the tree up at all. I can't get it down from the storage room and my husband didn't really understand about Christmas anymore. We can't go to my daughter for the big Thanksgiving/grandson's birthday weekend anymore. Last time was two years ago. I didn't manage to get much shopping done last year. Probably less this year, but this year I'm going to be more organized for it.
Birthdays and anniversaries go by and no one notices. My daughter makes sure I get a Christmas stocking and a birthday cake. The birthday cake happens as close to my real birthday as possible and last year ON my birthday. Next year, who knows.
And no, if you are new to all of this, you CAN'T have a party for 45 people. You might be able to still go to the party at someone else's house this year. Next year you might not be able to do that unless you get a lot of help from your immediate family.
I know I can't do it. I was remembering how he was last year at his brother's for the Christmas party and I had both my children there to help me keep an eye on him. They caught him going through their closets and then he got a bit pouty because he couldn't sit on Santa's lap when he was handing out presents to the little ones. He didn't like his gift and kind of threw it on the floor. I'll just have to play it by ear and see how he does. He loves the babies but doesn't really enjoy the older kids.
I have gone both ways. all out decorating like a fairytale grinch movie and then last yr just a tiny 3ft decorated twinkling tree for DH. he does enjoy the lights on the tree. i may or not put one up this yr, depends on if my mom is going to host xmas at her house or if i do it here. if i do it here its never more than 12 or so, DH daughter hosts their sides xmas and we go in money to help cover food costs and gifts for kids. if i didnt have smaller grandkids for xmas i doubt i 'd do much at all. thanksgiving i usually like to do the full dinner for whoever shows up! divvi
ttt Well, I know it isn't even Oct. yet and already I'm wondering what in the world this years holiday season will be like. I'm not sure hb will even know it is Thanksgiving or Christmas unless I mention it. Oh well, since it is already on my mind thought someone else might be thinking about it as well. In a post a few yrs. back Charlotte said she would like to skip right on to Jan.2, I know that feeling.
Been thinking in that direction as well. Big mess this year as daughter's husband has decided to leave her and has filed for divorce. Other son and wife are expecting a baby at the end of October and no one knows who can travel.Everyone lives on opposite ends of the country which adds to the confusion.
If I have everyone here, it would be 17 people. I have done Christmas for 30 years. I feel it is time for someone else to do it. Both of my older kids are in no shape to do it and my sister does Thanksgiving. But I am thinking about just not doing it. All it has turned into is a gift grab for the grandkids. We never see them and they live in the same town. I am really thinking of just not doing Christmas, the gift part. And leaving everyone to do what they want to do. I don't know.....just thinking out loud. Thanks for being here. You all get where I'm coming from.
This Christmas will be especially hard since my son was murdered on Christmas Eve. I have always had an open house, decorated to the fullest but don't know if I can do that again. My son always loved the open house, the decorating with me, etc. and DH loved it too. Now DH doesn't really understand a lot of it. No family here - so looks like it will just be another day for us.
On the other hand, since my son loved it all so much - it was our holiday - if I can get enough energy together, I may go ahead and do it. What else do I have to do???
I like the idea - but only if you have the energy and want to - it would be a kind of celebration of his life and the love you shared. I'd come if I could.
A lot has changed since I started this thread 2 years ago. That year one of my husband's nieces did the party. Now we no longer get together at Christmas and have a family picnic in August instead. Way less stressful.
I still decorate the house because I enjoy it and my husband still likes to look at the tree and play all the animated things we have. We go to my parents' house on Christmas Eve and usually just do appetizers and sandwiches. Everyone brings something. Christmas morning my daughter makes brunch and the rest of the day is spent quietly at home. Works well for us now.
I'm just thinking about Thanksgiving. Two of my three children will be here and our traditional menu will remain the same. There will be some sadness as we remember what was. But at least we have the memories.
Deb, I think that sounds like a great Christmas. That way you have more free time to give your husband the attention he needs to get through it all the confussion that goes with it. Just remember to enjoy it yourself also.
blue - if the tradition really means something to them other than gifts, someone will step up. If not, then just enjoy a quiet day and if someone wants to stop by, welcome them.
Charlotte, I will always welcome anyone. I was having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself when I posted. I guess I just wish it was not so hard to do, or plan anything. It just seems to suck the life out of me to think of doing any thing big.
The holidays always was my happiest time of year..just getting gifts figured out, making Christmas cookies and fudge for all our friends...so many now have died or moved...they are all at least 20 years older than I am...but those projects were always fun.......Sometimes we would go east to see the kids, rarely did they come here..cost of tickets with kids was too much $$$. I would get the house all decorated...but then there were the years I had to go to TX for my folks who were in bad health. So I put a table tree in our arched front window and it always looked like a Christmas card...and we had our Christmas when we got home..After my parents we were back to the big tree and people would slow down as they drove past our house to see our tree. But last year my DH had a hospital stay and I got so far behind that a tree dd not get up...and I did the gifts to include getting something for me just in case DH didn't get out with a friend..I got the usual things I would need like lotions...skin care..nothing fancy. We did skip going to his sister's house for T'Giving. This year there will be no family Thanksgiving...my brothers are too far away and DH can't walk well..so travel is out. It is hard to host a dinner now...and even if i knocked myself out, DH won't eat much of any thing anyway. I think I'll start addressing Christmas cards the first of Oct...maybe I'll manage to get the tree up this year..or I have so many pretty decorations for it.. But as for buying gifts for him to give to me...I don't think so this year..after all everyone knows he can't shop and he has slipped so much since a year ago in my view..it is just pretend anyway..it makes it all the sadder for me. It drives the nails home even harder how much I am losing day by day. If we had the kids closer... Oh and I wonder how best to manage a visit right after Chrsitmas..Grandson, the oldest who is 32 is coming out west the second week of Jan with his girlfriend..wants to stay here..they live together..assume they would use the same room..I don't like that in my house..Not sure how to manage this..I gently hinted that they might want to stay close by in a nice motel but got the " Ok it will be ok..." so between now and then I need to find a polite way to urge them to stay nearby but not over night here..I don't need the extra work but would love for them to spend time with Gramps. Any ideas anyone?
Mimi, You could tell them that the extra people in the house would upset your DH. I know it does my DH. Let them know that you want to see them, but you need quite time with your DH to get him to settle down for the night. That way it does not sound bad. And tell them this is not something you can bend on. They must stay somewhere else.
We have 2 grown children who live here in town. They never visit, or call. I sometimes wonder what I did wrong. But our youngest who still lives at home, would put her life on the line for her dad. So maybe, I have not done such a bad job with her.
In years past I would put up two trees. Now I am lucky to put up my Charlie Brown tree. Yes it is a real Charlie Brown tree, with one red ball. I let DD put that on the tree. It is our family joke. But I think it makes me think of happier times. Silly I know but I enjoy it.
blue-if it makes you happy it isn't silly. Our family has some really odd traditions that I wouldn't stop for anything. Doesn't everyone put fake eyeballs in the bottom of beet salad :0)
blue, I like your approach...the quiet time for me is more needed in the morning to keep distractions at bay so I can get meds in him and something to eat too. I find with even Benny his brother here, there are too many distractions getting coffee or showing people where things are so they can do for themselves etc..I don't even make doctor appointments for him before 1030.
I've been hiding out at my cabin....far away from technology...but not my sorrow. Trimmed about a hundred trees (that my dh so lovingly planted but can no longer care for or even think about). During the quiet breaks I was planning my remodel so our little home would be guest worthy at the holidays. We sold our big family home about six years ago (Thank goodness did something right before the market fell) but now he has totally ruined the carpet in his bedroom...urine and even though I clean it every four weeks it is smelly and yukky. So will put some kind of sheet vinyl that can be mopped and not smell. So the holidays.... Well I tried to ease that last year by telling my sis we should only do Christmas or Thanksgiving together and then trade years ... We live close and have always done holidays together with our combined 5 children and now their significant others... Only three grandchildren so far...but the kids were sad and my sister told them they would do both holidays at their home this year to ease my burden. She didn't tell me and when I asked her she said they wanted to... Well you think I would be happy, and I am but also believe it or not I cried and cried (by myself) because of the loss of something dear, the kindness of family, my empty home on the holidays...I will still decorate some but... I cry now but life goes on I am glad you all are here well that does sound selfish I don't mean glad you are here but glad someone understands.
I too understand-my daughters told me -we are doing Christmas at one of our homes this year-to relieve the stress on me. OK that is great so why do I feel like CRAP??? I was not looking forward to the holidays but guess like you say just something else we are giving up.
grendelsma, I feel your pain! It’s so hard when the traditions of the holidays have to be changed. We usually go to our son’s house in Ohio Thanksgiving Day. We have Thanksgiving “lunch” with our daughters about noon, hang around for a few hours, make turkey sandwiches & then leave for Ohio. Well we actually went on 3 trips in the past month & a half & while DH travelled well & did pretty good while we were visiting relatives, when we got home he was very confused. He couldn’t understand why we could go & see our “friends” (my relatives). So I had to tell him (numerous times) that our friends lived too far away to just go & see them (of course he didn’t realize how long it took to get there). So I’m thinking that we might not go to our son’s for Thanksgiving. I feel sad because first of all I love the drive & I look forward to spending the weekend with our son, dil, & grandsons (not to mention possibly getting together with lmohr & bak). But travelling is just getting too confusing for him & too exhausting for me. :o(
WE feel like crap during the holidays because not only do we see the losses on the day to day basis of our LOs and all that that entails, but now, the " funnest" part of the year for most everyone, when we decorate, fill the house with the smells of cookies and turkey and other sorts of holiday goodies, getting out our holiday treasures for the table is now just a lot of work and we are tired..then when family members offer to do the lions share of the holiday cheer making work, it is a reminder of what more we are losing. And truth be told, the "memories" we are now making are really not happy ones for us.. But somehow we are expected to put a happy face on it all.