I've not been on the boards lately because things have been pretty smooth here but stress and responsibilities have piled up and I had a meltdown on Sunday. I cried all day and it continued into Monday and Tuesday. I'm still teary today. Please help me. How do I quit crying?
Sometimes a meltdown is the body's way of relieving the stress that has built up in your body. A cleansing mechanism. Not a fun one, to be sure, but needed. Then as an old song says, "you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" - As Jeanette said, venting is a good way...it gets it off your chest. I personally, build mental walls and brick it in, and try to move on. On occasion, an earthquake will hit my brick wall, and the bricks will come tumbling down, and then I just get some more mortar, and put them back up. Try setting a goal for yourself for tomorrow. Just one. And tomorrow, once you have completed it, then set a goal for the next day. Just one. And you will think about what you need to complete this goal, and it helps get your mind on the goal and helps you build that wall.
My goals have been as simple as clean out my chest of drawers. Or wash the car. Or go visit a person who needs company. Or bake a cake for a neighbor. I have to keep my goals simple, because if I don't, I get overwhelmed, which defeats the purpose of making these one-a-day goals in the first place!
Dazed....please let someone here help you. Spill it out. I'm the QUEEN of venting here, I think, so go ahead. What the heck happened that wrecked you on Sunday?
Dazed, on the rare occasion that someone asks how I am I respond, dazed and confused. Please vent, let us help you. Just typing it out might be enough, if not, maybe it's time for you to see a doctor, just ask TJ. Whatever it is you are feeling, you will feel better after sharing. Lord knows how many times I have vented to you all, and written threads in a total state of panic. It does help. We are throwing you the rope, grab on girl and hang on tight, we are here for you. Talk to us.
According to my psychologist, research shows that when we cry because of stress our tears contain toxins. When we have tears because of allergies or chopping onions, the tears don't contain toxins. When we say we cry to "get it all out" that's really what we are doing - getting toxins out of our bodies. So it's good to cry! Don't worry about it! But do come here to share your feelings.
i have trouble with the crying too. i lost dh in april and the trears are always right at the surface,ready to flow. i don't get on here that often anymore,maybe i should. sometimes it seems just too much pain to bear. i go to the thread for the widows and widowers,but not many are going to that thread. i know we all need to support each other. nobody knows,except a person that is or has gone through the same stress of caring for a ad spouse and the loss of that loved one,first to the ad and then to death. it is so hard,we all know it is coming and there is no way out. it is like being trapped with this terrible disease and we all know the end. we have to be exceptionally strong people to go throught the caring and then the loss of our loved one, we have to cry,sometimes harder than other times. we can only take so much before we have a meltdown. it happens to us all. it is our safety device. we have to let go and let it out sometimes or it just keeps on festering.
Thank you, everyone, so much for caring. I feel like such a wimp because I don't have near all the problems that some of you have and some of these things seem so petty but here goes.....About 3 weeks ago, I hurt my back. I finished my second predisone pack last Friday. My back is better but I'm still in pain. Then we were facing major repair bills on our car so we decided to buy another one. I've never bought a car before, didn't care about even looking at them. DH always bought our cars, took care of titles, ins., registration, everything. He even kept it filled up with gas. All I had to do was drive it.
I had to buy a car all by myself while DH wandered in and out of offices he didn't belong in. He even went in where a salesman was talking to a couple who were buying a car. He just walked in and sat down with them. Finally finished the car buying and all the paperwork. We also had a family member wedding and I had out of town guests coming in. Had to change sheets, get guest rooms ready, plan weekend meals, shop and cook. with my back hurting. Then the wedding. DH couldn't remember who was getting married. When I told him....over and over and over again, that it was my great neice, he would ask "Now, who does she belong to?"
I was up visiting with my company until the wee hours of the morning and was up early cooking and fixing so I was really sleep deprived.
Then came the wedding, which was quite a drive away. DH is always more confused when we are away from home and he couldn't remember where we were going and why. I was on pins and needles not knowing what he was going to do or say or where he was going to wander off to. On the way home, he asked if we had been to a wedding or a funeral.
After my company left, I broke down and started crying. It was made worse because I let myself think about this thing just getting worse and being fatal and also about anything else in my life that makes me incredibly sad.
See, it is nothing important enough to make me cry but for some reason, I just can't stop.
Somebody on these boards said this stage was harder than the later stages. Could this possibly be true?
Divvi, you been through much worse than this and others have too. Mary, you're a very wise woman. I'm going to try to set a goal for tomorrow.
Dazed--Every one of us has our own list of the rotten things going on in our lives--that stress us and bring us to tears on occasion. No one's list is comparable to another's--easier or worse, important or not. When we're overloaded, we have to cry, vent, whatever. You were stressed with providing for overnight company, your DH's care, his confusion, the emotional events of the wedding, buying the car (a new experience and responsibility), and then your mind dragged up the progression of the disease and other bad/sad things. Do what you need to get the negative feelings out and under control. Then do as Mary suggested and set that one goal for tomorrow. Fight back and fill your mind with positive thoughts and actions. And get some rest. Your weekend was a bear.
Dazed. so sorry for how you are feeling but I can see why. You had more than enough on your plate for a young person. I couldn't have done all of that. Now that things are back to normal you will "revive" and get your second wind. Next time you have company do like I do and keep it simple. I have stopped baking and fixing large meals. We have company (just occasionally the kids) I like chicken on the grill since either of the son in laws will take care of that, baked potatos and a simple veggie. Desserts aren't big on anyone's list here except for DH and I always have sweet snacks or fruit.
I also mourn nor not too many years ago when a few days like you just had would have been a piece of cake. But, I can't cry anymore.
Dazed......sweetheart. You think you have nothing much going on to cry over???! You've been through quite enough lately, it sounds like! I would have reacted in the very same manner. So much responsibility you've never had to shoulder EVER before, wedding, company, having to be a hostess, a partner that is not well. No, it isn't going to be any easier and it does get worse, but, one of the blessings (?) I've tried to remind myself of is that it isnt ALL going to happen all at once, either. We all adjust in our own way.....sometimes we just fall apart with the realization of it all. Your feelings and matters you're dealing with are VERY important...as important as anyone else's here. Please take care of yourself, give yourself a break. Sounds like you've proven yourself to be superwoman.....now, go rest! Jen.
Things tend to be exacerbated then we are stressed to the limits. even the small things that would normally not tend to set the wheels in motion bring on more anxiety. its normal that upon the caregiving issues we fight every day, the thoughts of the losses of tomorrow, the tensions build. its not important how little we have on our plate now or how much but the fact that its there staring us in the face and we have to work around all the added responsibilites. its good to cry - i think you were long overdue and needed the purge. we've said it many times, tears cleanse the body, mind. and soul. hope tomorrow is better now that you got it out and can regroup. divvi
Dazed-don't you feel proud of yourself now. You bought that car all by yourself-it's a milestone. The last time my husband came with me to buy a car we were thrown out of three dealerships because he was so nasty. When I had to "steal" his last car to keep him from driving a neighbor drove his car and I drove mine to buy a car all by myself. Even my kids were proud of me. You're doing just fine and we are here for you. Your concerns are just as important as anyone else's.
Janet, that's interesting that stress tears contain toxins. Never heard that before. Maybe that's why they relieve the stress. I should be really clean now.
Bluedaze, I think you spotted my real problem. It's just so tough being strong and alone. My DH was diagnosed about 1 and 1/2 years ago and up until this past weekend, I've been a rock. Now, I'm jello.
Imohr, I'm still trying to be the perfect hostess. It's getting harder all the time, though.
Thank all of you for encouraging me to write it out. It did help. I can't believe the help I get here. I love you all.
Dazed, I am not sure if anything I can add will help, but my heart goes out to you...I like so many others know how devastating the changes in our lives can be. But you do have to find a way to cope, and this site has sure helped me. But remember the stress alone can cause so many problems. I have had one major surgery and another a year and a half later, and really feel the stress totally contributed to the health problems. I didn't find this site till just recently, and I also started reading and talking to people who could help me cope. I had so much anxiety and crying that I was a mess....now I try to go to bed each night, and mentally think of one positive thing I accomplished during the day, even if it was just a little something for myself. I think simplifying things is a good step...I'm going to try that one too! Remember, others have to realize you have a full plate, and can't do all the things you used to do. Hang in there, Linda
I can understand why you had to break down and cry. You were stressed to the max with guests, wedding, your husband and on top of all that you are in pain. When the time comes that you need to cry--just do it. I've had times not nearly as stressful and needed to "unload". The shower is a really good place for that. YOU ARE STRONG!!
WELL MY GOODNESS, YOU WERE OVERWHELMED. WHO WOULDN'T CRY. BLESS YOUR HEART. TRY NOT TO TAKE ON SO MUCH. GUESTS WILL UNDERSTAND,ORDER OUT OR HAVE THEM TO BRING IN FOOD. BUYING A CAR IS STRESSFUL ENOUGH WITHOUT THE ADDED STRESS OF ALL YOU HAD ON YOUR PLATE + BEING IN PAIN. YOU DESERVED TO LET IT ALL OUT. DON'T EVER FEEL BAD FOR VENTING.IT HELPS.
Dazed--I envy you. I wish I could cry. Just can't seem to be able to. I'm glad you were able to tell what went on and why you were so sad. I hope you veel better really soon. XOXO
Dazed, of course you cried after your guests left. My goodness, I would have cried while they were still there! Yes, this stage is damn hard in a different way from the later stages because we're still shocked, constantly shocked that this is happening and there are those moments when things seem normal and then it all hits us in the face and when you have so much happening which would have been a lot without a husband with dementia, you're not only not getting any help or support from him but he's adding to your burden. And good for you on the car. A week or so ago I was sitting on my bed sobbing because our HVAC system went out (it's brand new) leaking all over the basement floor and I couldn't understand a word of the instructions and DH was talking like he had done what he said needed to be done with the filters and I just wanted to believe him but them WHAM that shock again, and I thought I would just curl up and die from the agony of it. But finally - okay I took a xanax - and slowly and repeatedly read the instructions and step by step went through all the procedures DH had overlooked and I did it! I was so proud of myself. And so should you be. You are a strong courageous woman. It's not brave if it's easy. Be proud of yourself and just let yourself have those cries. Sometimes the only way around the pain is through. WOW, you have just accomplished a great deal. Time for a reward. Big hug and pat on the back!
Dazed, when I have guests, my kids will tell you that I go into "superclean mode" and never get it just like I want or if I do, I'm physically exhausted...and they keep saying "your friends understand and they don't care how your house looks, they just want to be with you" - but I care. I was raised in a spotless house, and taught how to keep mine that way...with four teenagers, I DID learn to believe that their bedrooms were not part of my house, but when they went off to college, I reclaimed them! My point is, my stress in the planning and hostessing would have been enough to send me over to tears of relief now that I have an AD husband! And all while in pain! You win my "you deserve a crown" group! (since AD, my house is never spotless, and I've learned to live with neat!)
I do have one important question for you, Dazed......what kind and color of a car did you get? <grin>
Dazed, I would have "freaked" out long before you did. Good Grief! You had everything dumped on you at one time.Now I hope you can relax and enjoy that new car.
Dazed....as for the crying ...... I cry so much, even still, that you'd THINK a person should loose weight!! With all you were doing, I think the spouts would have started flowing from ME the minute the first guest arrived!! I probably would have attached myself to the first one of them that walked in the door and begun my sobbing right then! I think you can begin to think of yourself as an accomplished woman!
Oh gosh, you all are making me feel good! I never thought to be proud of myself for buying the car all by myself until bluedaze first mentioned it. I really did accomplish something! Thanks for reminding me of that.
Mary, I got a 2010 Toyota Camry that gets 32 miles per gallon on the road. It's white with light taupe interior. We had a 10 year old Cadillac that qualified for the "cash for clunkers" deal so we decided to scale down. We don't travel much anymore and don't need a big car.
terry, yes, I also make the mistake of expecting DH to take care of things and trust him to do things he's always done before and he just can't. That's one of my problems. Joan's blog helped me with that.
Thank God for this web site! After 4 days of tears, it's almost 10:30 AM and I haven't cried yet, thanks to all your help. Now I've got to set my goal for the day like Mary told me to.
You do get used to taking care of everything and feel proud when you can. Lower your standards on yourself. It's the secret as stress rises, the small details like cooking and cleaning have to get smaller so the big things like taking care of someone else can be handled. I cry inside everyday.
I think those of us who are toward the end of the Alzheimer phases cry less. Maybe it's because we've cried all our tears away,..but more than likely, it's because we are in the acceptance phase. I remember the nights of tears and heartache, oh toooo well. Now, it's more like, "It is what it is!".... There are moments of heartache when he says bad things to me, but for some unexplanable reason, I am becoming more and more detached. I have even stopped feeling sorry for myself - I was making myself crazy! (crazier?) ... I hate this, every day of my life. I hate Alzheimers and what it did to my husband. I don't blame him. No more than I'd blame him if he had cancer. I'm not a goody two shoes. I am not an angel. I'd much rather be out 'doing lunch' shopping or getting a manicure. I've learned there are more important things in life than me... witnessing my granddaughter's desperate fight to live, in constant pain, nausea, and more. I have no problems compared to hers and her mother and father! Quick reality check!
I don't know, we are in the late stage and I was just crying a moment ago. The times that are harder for me, are the times I can't cry. I am also a believer that tears cleanse the soul. I don't believe strong people don't cry... I believe a strong person is one who is true to themselves and is able to show their emotions.
Dazed, sometimes you just have to cry. It could be all the stress you were under for sure. But, I also wonder if it might have had something to do with going to a wedding? Seeing the promise of another couples future, when yours (all of ours) is filled with heartbreak. I know I had a major melt down AT a wedding!
Sometimes I have been know to cry over nothing! But I know it is from trying to hold in other things too long. If you feel like crying, CRY! I think we have all "earned" the right.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." --Washington Irving
Dazed, I have to cry whenever I need to and wherever I need to. Last time I cried uncontrolably I was at a restaruant. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy. I was by myself and just so depondent and tired. But when I finished I did feel better for a little while. This is a safe place for us to tell it all because you will find someone that can relate.
Dazed--I agree with Jav on the ordering out or having the guests bring in food if you find that you are entertaining again. It's hard, but we have to give up or change lifelong patterns now, to avoid burning ourselves out. To be frank about it, I'm surprised the guests would be comfortable with having you wait on them, considering your situation. I know I certainly would never stay with someone who is caring for an ill spouse.
Starling/Imohr - why do you suppose it is we can't cry? I haven't shed a tear in over three years - and I used to tear up at just the THOUGHT of a sad movie! I so miss being emotionally "involved" - it seems like even with my kids (grown now) I am more detached. I've always assumed it was some sort of defense mechanism, to keep me strong, but I'm not so sure I like it . . .
Earlier on this path of AD destruction I cried almost every night. My DW would sometimes hear me and ask "What's wrong?" I would tell her I was just congested and she would go back to sleep. I cry a lot less now, but I'm teary eyed as I type this note.
We all deserve to cry. But frankly, it's exhausting. I was so tired of living on the verge of tears all the time. I went on Zoloft and it's much better for me now. It does create a sense of numbness though.
MarilyninMD, you are so right about changing our life long patterns of entertaining. I've always cooked a lot , had a houseful of company and this was a gathering place. I enjoyed and encouraged it. After this past weekend, I realize I'm going to have to do things differently. I'm already making plans for next time that will include deli salads and desserts, steam and eat veggies and driving through KFC for the meat. Any more suggestions would really be welcome. Another change will have to be not staying up half the night visiting.
I guess I made it sound like my guests were inconsiderate but really I encouraged them to come and they had no idea what I'm dealing with. DH seems so normal to everyone else. Sometimes you just have to live with them to know. I think they are much more aware now after being here. They also didn't know about my back problems or the stress I had been through trying to buy a car.
I've wondered,Hildann, if I need some medication and what kind. I'm much better after resting and getting several nights of good sleep but as things get worse, I may need it later. A friend of mine tried two different kinds that made her numb and caused her to just not care. Then she started Prozak. She says she still feels like herself but can handle things so much better. Maybe Marsh can give us some insight here.
When we would go visit my grandparents when I was a kid, the guest rooms were always clean and neat and....the clean sheets were folded on the bed just waiting to be put on the bed. Mom would get the beds all made up for us. Since the sheets were all laundered and folded it was no big deal. Guess they just sat there until guests came and needed them.The older I get and the more I think about that the more I like it. With my right shoulder hurting, I may try that next time we are having company.
I don't cry to much about my husband's FTD anymore but when he was first diagnosed every little thing made me cry. I completely lost it the day the neuropsychologist went over his testing results last year. I haven't really cried about it since, BUT even slightly sad movies and books will get me everytime.
I had an interesting thought about my crying this week! Before my DH was diagnosed and for about a year afterwards, I cried all the time, mostly in the car because I didn't want to cry at the office for obvious reasons nor at home in front of my teenage daughter. This past year, I've been so busy with her senior year activites, then getting her ready for college, etc. that I didn't cry much, but I kept expecting to fall apart at any time. We made it through one daughter's college graduation, no tears, the other daughter's high school graduation, no tears (bittersweet events because DH was clueless about both, but still no tears) and then, this week, I was driving my youngest to college and when I saw the city limits sign that meant we were @ 10 minutes away from her dorm, I fell apart, literally sobbing for about 5-6 minutes. Then, I was fine by the time I got to the dorm, and I realized that I had been so scared that something bad would happen to ME before I got her to college, that they were actually tears of relief that we had made it.
I think that I am a control freak. When I was still working in my career (chemist) my major responsibility was problem identifying and solving. If I just worked hard enough, I was always able to fine the answer and solve the problem. Now no matter how hard I try, this AD diagnosis is not going to go away. I am the sole caretaker of my DH. I worry that if something happens to me, he will have no one to care for him. (True for the most part since his kids live 1000 miles away and are mostly self absorbed). Therefore if I cry, I may "lose control" - very scary. However, the tears are coming more frequently - they just start on their own sometimes when I don't even anticipate them. I usually feel a tiny bit better afterward - maybe those toxins are being released. I guess I feel that since I can't control my DH's disease, the least I can do is control myself and my feelings?..........
I can identify with that - if I start crying I may loose control OR the pain will be more than I can handle. This was my thinking when I was going thru abuse counseling 15 years ago and I find I have not let it go.
Texasmom, congratulations on your daughters' graduations and getting the youngest off to college. You can be proud of that accomplishment. I just cannot imagine dealing with AD and at the same time children (of any age) in the house. So difficult. Have your daughters dealt with it OK?
Dazed, you really have to experiment with the different drugs since people react differently, even to drugs within the same class (such as SSRI's). I am on Wellbutrin, but I don't know what it is doing. I don't feel any different now than when I first went on it.