I don't know if this is typical or not but it certainly adds to my confusion/disorientation. It also adds to my frustration as it can seem to the outside world that DH is a wonderful husband and I'm a flippin (thanks Susan I may soon be able to stop swearing) bitch.
He frequently will say exactly the right thing but doesn't act on it. For instance, when I'm overwhelmed with financial stuff and house stuff he will occasionally say in the very same voice he's always used, "I'd be glad to help out with any of that." How wonderful except that certainly in regard to financial matters he is not capable of helping and with chores around the house he might begin something but it's unlikely he will finish or I'll ask and he'll say, "oh sure," and he'll leave the room and never do it.
The same with personal things as I sometimes will tell him about something that is happening with my family which is hurtful to me. I tell him because I can I guess and am so used to having him to share my feelings with. He'll respond with the most appropriate words but they're mostly stock phrases and I'm not sure the depth of feeling backs them up. It's like the use of stock phrases he's been doing for the past few years but more detailed and lengthy.
I guess what I'm getting at is that on the surface he can sound like the perfect thoughtful caring husband. You'd have to be me or be a fly on the wall 24/7 to believe otherwise. Action seldom, if ever, backs up his words.
This isn't necessarily a complaint so much as it is an observation. Do any ofyou experience this sort of "role playing" where they seem to be playing the role of themselves as they were before?
Yes, I've noticed this. I learned to ignore it some time ago. Ian will see how busy I am, and he'll offer to take a load off by doing certain jobs himself. At first, I would agree and say 'Sure, thanks, that would be a great help..' But he never actually did what he offered to do. This made it ten times worse, as I ended up doing what he had offered to do at the last minute, and in a rush....I soon learned that there's no point at all in challenging him for this lack of action.....If I scold him, he becomes defensive, or worse, he denies he offered to help and accuses me of lying.... I never challenge him anymore. I've invented many ways of humoring him....Its hard though, and I do feel stressed to the limits and frustrated.
Now when he offers help, I just tell him how much I appreciate his offer, but tell him I'm fine and I lie and tell him I'm not that busy, even though some days it's really hard to get through all that needs to be done.
Exactly. I do also understand the stock sympathy response thing you're describing. Trouble is, an ability to identify with other humans is a high-level intellectual function, and it's often one of the first things you'll notice gone. Especially if you had a close relationship and counted on your partner as an emotional counterbalance. Having an emotionally close life-partnership is a great buffer in life, and when it's evaporated, we (or at least I) can feel very un-anchored.
Dh was very disappointed on Friday morning that our cleaner was coming. That meant we couldn't go to IKEA for breakfast. This morning outing has become very important to him. So he said we didn't need the cleaner anymore; I should just call and tell her not to come; he would clean the house himself. This is a big laugh. We do clean the bedroom ourselves and the deal is supposed to be that we do it together but all he will do is vacuum, a little bit in the middle. Last time he wouldn't even get out the vacuum cleaner but used the dustbuster to pick up a few visible pieces of dirt and then called it done. Needless to say, the cleaner came. She is an friend, used to help Siems parents when his Mom had AD. When she is here I can get my computer work done; it gives me a vacation from bicycling!
I don't feel un-anchored, but I do feel very alone and I feel stressed at having nobody to share the burden with. I used to tell Ian everything....and if I was ever down or worried about something, he would cheer me up, point out the 'bright side' and make me laugh....and if he were down vice versa, I would be the strong one and help him out..... Now, I'm the only one left who can do anything.... It's tough being the strong on 100% of the time with no break....
Lynn, same here on the humoring and not challenging.
I just thought of an example which perplexed me at the time. In 2006 our son got married. DH gave toasts at both wedding reception and rehearsal dinner. This was unlike him as he didn't tell me beforehand he was going to do it and he doesn't usually like public speaking unless he has to which he did at work. Also very odd to me but noone else would have noticed is that he didn't sound like himself at all. It occurred to me later why. He had been to a wedding of a nephew a few weeks earlier and spoke of the reception and speeches. He used those to craft his. So he was playing the role of "father of the groom." But he wasn't being himself. I'll never forget my shock when he said "his MOTHER AND I....." Never in all our years of marriage had he said anything like that. It just wasn't his style. In the speech he sounded like the traditional stereotypical "dad" and we've always been a bit "edgy" so it was shocking to me but wouldn't go noticed.
He does similar things in public where he'll talk with someone sounding like what must be his idea of how a person of his age and status or whatever would respond. Not sounding like himself.
Have any of you encountered this? Just curious mainly, not seeking advice on how to deal with it.
Terry, yes I have....Ian has done similar things on a number of occasions., more in the past than now. He has heard someone, either in reality, or on TV say something which he obviously thinks is a good way of expressing himself....
He has then recounted it shortly afterwards, speaking in a way which is just not 'him' at all. To be honest, until I read your post, I hadn't associated this with AD... I though it was just him being odd.....
Lynne, when I think of all the days I would sit alone in confusion about what was happening before we began down the journey towards diagnosis and even while trying to get the DX. It is such a relief to be able to speak these oddities and hear someone say ME TOO!!!!
It is the ME TOOS!!!! that tend to be a shock as well as a relief around here. There are things that most of them do sooner or later that the doctors don't have a clue about that really get to me.