On Thursday, on our way home from one of our vaccine study appointments, Jeff and I stopped for lunch at a Tex-Mex restaurant. We have passed this particular place, but never eaten there. The food was good, and the decor distinctive, with placards from old Mexican movies up all over the place and cases full of southwest trappings and cowboy boots. As we sat, and looked out the window at a storefront under renovation across the street (still derelict and covered with tar paper,) Jeff said "that's a familiar sight." "What?" I asked. "The tar paper." "Where have we seen tar paper while eating before?" I said. "Here." he replied decisively. "We've never eaten here before," I said...but I sorta wished I hadn't because he looked like I'd just deflated him.
He was sure we'd just been there, and as we were leaving pointed out roughly where he believed we'd sat last time. This place is nowhere near home, and he wouldn't have been there with anyone else. "It must look like somewhere else we've eaten," I said.
Last night, we went to the Baltimore Symphony (with my parents who had 2 extra tickets,) in the very distinctive Meyerhoff Symphony Hall. "What did they play when we were here last time?" he asked. "We haven't been here in about 10 years," I said. "I don't remember." Again, he looked utterly nonplussed. "No," he said. "I was here. Within the last 2 weeks." Then he pointed to an usher with her hair in a bun. "She was here," he said. I described the differences between the Meyerhoff (where we were)--very modern, lots of blond wood, and the Hippodrome Theatre (where we go frequently)--very old fashioned, gilt, heavy garnet curtains, cherubs, etc...and suggested that maybe he was thinking of the Hippodrome. "No," he insisted. "I was here." I just said ok.
Yes Emily.. The same has been going on for some time now and I do the same as new realm...... I agree knowing in my mind that we have never in our lives been to the place.... Again one of those AD things that you learn to live with and realize you must work around and best to just agree ............ Dan
There are benefits to everything. My DH mostly doesn't remember what we've done before. It's great for meal preparation, since he enjoys some things for the first time over and over. "What's this?"---"Raviolis"---"They're good, I've never had them before!" I started out trying to jog his memory, but it doesn't work so we just enjoy many firsts. I'm more likely to hear "I've never been here before" than thinking he did something that never happened.
This is slightly off topic and more like" I've always done this". For example, when we are going out O will put on his shoes and then walk through the house to go to the bathroom last minute. I asked him to please go before he puts his shoes on but he always insists they are clean and the next day he will do the same thing. I told him he would never have done that before but he insists he's always done it this way. Now I just ignore it and deal with any mess. It's just a small thing, one of many that can be aggravating.
I have experienced both sides of the picture. Today, as we were driving home from church, down a road we travel at least 3 times a week, and have for the past 10 years, my wife said that she had not been over the road before. At other times she will claim to have been somewhere she has not been, such as saying that she went to China as a child with her Aunts who were missionaries. Also today, she was wearing a shell necklass lined with gold. She told people that she picked the shell up on the beach. I am finally learning just to agree with her and let it go. If it is something really important that the others know, I will tell them later.
To add to my concerns, my sister, who lives alone - never married, told me that she is scheduled for a CT scan because she is forgetting so much. I don't know how we will deal with her if she really is developing dementia of some sort. I'm the only family she has except for my children who live out of state and I am devoting full time to care of my wife.
emily ... yes, my husband has been doing that. Sometimes, I think it's just a way to appear to be having a normal conversation. We'll be at his favorite restaurant (CoCo's) and they'll have a new specials menu, and he'll say "You know, I think I'll have x ... it looks so good, I've thought about ordering it for weeks." It's never been on the menu before.
Other times, I think it's a short-circuit in the brain. He "remembers" something as happening recently when actually, it happened years earlier, or is only similar to something that actually happened.
I'm in good shape if I realize that's what's going on, and can simply agree that the dish looks delicious. It's when I don't pick up on the problem in time, and answer that I think he's confusing one thing with another. Then I have to think fast to get my foot out of my mouth.
And, at the same time, like frand's husband, meals that we've had dozens of times are brand new to my husband each time I serve them. (Fortunately, he still likes them each time.) We're getting into full spring now, and he's seeing "new" flowers he's "never" seen before, and tells me every time how beautiful they are. I don't know if this is my husband trying to make "normal" conversation, or if things really are new all the time for him. He does seem to enjoy them with the enthusiasm of a first time...
My dear wife will come up with very complex explanations for all sorts of things: Where did you put that bread machine we used to have (we never had one). Did Lois bring the bread pans back (Lois did not borrow them), etc.
I have learned to ask few questions and when confronted with that bread machine issue, I answer a different way every time, it seems, looking for a simple, short explanation for her, and one that I can easily repeat the next time the question comes up.
None of these things are terribly important, but they can shake your feelings of security. On one issue she had a whole elaborate explanation for the disappearance of a kitchen item. None of it was correct, but it was the details to the story that amazed me. We found the item later buried in the back of a cupboard.
Inge - I'm convinced bending over to tie shoes is connected to the bladder for my DH! He does that so many times, but so far, he is willing to take his shoes off again. There is less and less he has interest in doing these days, so that gives him something to do (again) and is a bit of exercise. Marsh- I hope you don't think you HAVE to care for your sister also. There is only so much one person can do. Caring for your wife sounds like enough. As for restaurants, my husband is very unsure of himself and we use the excuse of his vision to allow me to do the ordering. A menu has way to many choices, though sometimes I will mention two items and let him choose. Potlucks - now that's another story and I'm not sure how much longer I'll want to go to those...
I thought I was losing my mind when my DH tells me he has been inside such and such house and he couldn't possibly have been there. You have just explained this process, and I thank you. Also, like others, he eats/sees/experiences things for the "first" time, and it is just the latest in a long list of many times. Take care!
Glad you asked that Bebe. I wasn't sure either and thought "must just be me." Here was my two guesses.
#1. I think, if inge lives in a wet region like here, people always take their shoes off on the porch or mudroom, and never walk through the house with shoes on. It becomes habit, and even those who come to visit automatically take off their shoes. My DH used to get so mad at the rest of us for wearing shoes in the house, tracking in dirt and little rocks. Once we got new carpet DH won't take his shoes off. Now he is the WORST at tracking stuff in the house.
#2. My Dad (also AD) used to dribble, or fail to aim. He'd pee in his slippers/shoes all the time. (truthfully, this was my first guess)
Sorry for the confusion and the trivial post. I was just trying to say that DH used to be so fussy and would never wear outdoor shoes in the house. There is no reason why he needs to put them on and then trek through the house when he could easily go to the bathroom first. This is sounding more trivial by the minute. Sorry.
Inge, NOTHING is trivial if it bothers us! We are under more stress than anyone not in our shoes can imagine. Others look at our spouses and think that they are okay - just have trouble communicating! The frustration of all the changes that none of us can control yet have to deal with daily is not trivial.
Trying to be normal at work and having a life outside of my home is helping me. I don't know how I will cope if I have to be a 24/7 caregiver! My prayers are with all of us!
OK guys. My ignorance and upbringing are showing. I'm from the mountain south. We seldom wear shoes, period. I have lived all over the US and must confess I don't know anyone who doesn't wear shoes in the house for any reason other than the comfort of being barefooted. My son worked for the Dutch government and never mentioned not wearing shoes inside the houses. I wasn't aware it was a cultural thing anywhere but Asia. I'm just ignorant I guess. And as for dribbling--when that started happening my husband just started sitting down. Never thought of the problem of dribbling on shoes. And even though it is trivial, I have learned something.
It is cultural in the Middle East too. I came from a family that NEVER wore shoes in the house and we lived in New York City.
Wearing shoes in the house is a very American thing to do. I doubt anyone does it anywhere except in the US and in Northern Europe where it was cold and the floors were mostly made of dirt until well into the 19 Century unless you were wealthy.
My shoes are the first things off when I get home from work! My husband and I were born and raised in the same town, and I am always barefoot in the house, and he is never without his houseshoes! I guess it is a matter of personal choice.
As to the "I've been here before" - this situation has yet to arise with him. I'm glad to know about it, so that I can be prepared!
Starling, I take your word that no one but the US wears shoes inside but I have visited homes in other countries and never encountered this. I do take off my shoes inside but it is just for comfort and my husband wears flip flops inside and outside all year round. We have dogs that bring in pine needles, leaves, mud, etc. so it wouldn't help keep the house clean if we wore inside shoes or none at all. My sister just returned from Sweden with her husband who is Swedish descent and they were visiting his relatives. They weren't asked to take off their shoes.
Bebe, you have to realize just how "foreign" wearing shoes in the house is to someone who comes from a culture where that is never done. <grin> When I tried to figure it out, I realized that wearing outdoor shoes indoors is just as much a cultural thing as not wearing them indoors is. As far as I can tell Northern Europe is where that comes from. Last time I looked Sweden was in Northen Europe.
My Japanese girlfiend has always kept slippers in multiple sizes in her front room for friends who are uncomfortable barefoot. Her parents did that too.
I notice that a couple of you mention houseshoes (or flip flops inside). Houseshoes are not shoes that people wear outside the house. <grin> I wear slippers when it is cold too. Wearing them now as a matter of fact.
Yes, I agree with Inge - we got off track here. The original discussion is "I've Been Here Before" - our AD spouses thinking they have been someplace they have never been and/or insisting they never have been to a place they've been many times before. I thought forgetting they have been to a place was common, but I guess from reading the posts, many have experienced it the other way around.
NOT BRINGING THE SHOES vs CULTURE BACK INTO THIS AS TOPIC,
I just had to marvel at the differences in our LO's habits and hygiene. Again, my DH used to YELLLLL at the kids and I for wearing shoes through the house. And he always wore flip flop sandals or slippers to do yardwork, etc. These days since having AD, he will wear WORK BOOTS WITH MUDDDDDD into the house and think nothing of it. A stark change in his habits. And wouldn't you know it, this is the first time in my entire married life that I got brand new carpet- just this past July. Wouldn't ya know it. Now its ME wanting HIM to take his shoes off. Murphy's Law.
Now, my DH keeps pointing out to me the cement walkway, and the deck that we put in when my Mother was alive, early 2005. He insists he had it put in when nobody else lived here but him (???). And he had all kinds of work done in the yard when nobody was looking (uhh, excuse me, but I believe that was MY BACK THAT WAS HURTING FOR A WEEK AFTER I, YES, I (that's right, ME) DID ALL THAT WORK MYSELF!!!!!). Sorry, but I am a first class BRAT when it comes to someone else taking credit for my work. Even if it is Mr. Al-Zheimer's. LOL! I just cannot let it go.
More often now, DH asks me if I have met the neighbors (over 7 yrs we've been neighbors). I always tell him yes. So what happens? We are standing out at the road by their house, and he introduces me to the neighbors. (they are dear, sweet people.........those ones I envy so much.....who are older than my DH, but travel the world, volunteer as docents at the Old Fort Vancouver Museum, are master gardners, take long walks together, and never miss a beat).
This discussion reminds me of those games when you whisper something in the ear of the person next to you and see what happens when it passes around a circle! But, I also think we enjoyed talking about shoes since it seems so much more normal and is a little comic relief! Sorry, Joan. New Realm - do the neighbors know your husband has AD? If they do and they are as kind as you say they will be understanding and go with the flow.
Yes, our neighbors have known of DH's AD for a couple years. In fact, I was talking to them about DH probably having AD well before we had a diagnosis. They have always been easy going with him. They handled it real well one day when son didn't know DH walked out of the house. He went next door and asked if they could take him to town to get keys made for his car. (LOL) When I returned from shopping they had been watching for my car, came over and let me know.
Well, back on topic. We were on a 16 member family tour from Los Angeles to visit homes of DH's parents in Hungarian villages, but on a side trip I took only w/him, in Bruge, Belgium, DH said it had changed since we were there last. And he wouldn't walk out of sight of the tour bus, kept wanting to get back on well before the tour was over. Never been to Belgium--positive. Our daughter lived in Paris, we'd been there many times, but this trip he just was strange and he knew her neighborhood well--very unusual. Then w/his brother driving, DH in passenger seat & me in back, through farmland in Slovakia, DH says that they'd done a lot of work on the roads since we were last there. BIL was astonished and maybe the first time he ever realized anything was wrong. There were donkey-drawn carts & water pumps outside in front of houses, interesting, but it was not a place any of us had ever been before--I'd remember. It was during this trip that all the behaviors came out that I could no longer ignore or attribute to something else. There were several other events that I wish I'd written down, can't remember most of them now, but travel will make things worse w/AD. I had thought something was wrong for some time but had no clue--none--that it might be AD--none. But the first phone call I made when we got home was to our doc.
When family members saw videos of our trip, some of them asked, 'What's wrong with Uncle Bernie?' Then it was obvious, he was not participating, not responding in his normal way, but none of us saw it while it was happening, only later did we see it on the video--and you couldn't miss it if you knew him.
We were all in several countries, meeting up in Hungary, but none of us ever took our shoes off.
Shoes, real quick. I never wore shoes inside or outside. It use to be a joke with the neighbor. If he saw me with shoes on, he would as if we were going to the store.
Now about being here before. I stopped arguing with my husband a long time ago. Now I just say I don't remember being here. Or I must not have been with him when he was there.
I do the same thing when he asks where his mother went. I tell him I didn't see her, she must have left before I got here.
He use to tell me he just drove here this morning and wants to leave. He hasn't driven in over five years.
My DH has been asking me much of the day what my relationship is to the baby in the picture (my Granddaughter). He's never seen her yet in person. He always remembers that my eldest son, her father, is back east (in the Navy 8 yrs), and is moving to the West coast this summer. Then he tells me stories about spending time with my son at two different bases (??????? Never). He also thinks he just drove here from our "other house down there.....you know where." It's funny and yet extremely frustrating all at the same time. He asks me often where my kids are, and always thinks I have a third one at home. The roughest spot for me is his loss of association with me, the kids, where we live, and that we live together. It's that loss of "US." Our history together. I know you ALL know what I mean.
My DH remembers always remembers me. Not always my name. Tomorrow is my birthday and of course he won't remember. I've made a reservation for dinner. I hope that turns out OK. I'm not going to mention birthday. He doesn't remember his children so I have put their names on a post it and placed it on the calendar. That doesn't always work.He frequently tells long stories about where we have been things we have done....but its all wrong.He doesn't remember anyones name or any place so we really can't talk about past experiennces. .
Speaking of military bases: My DH was in day care & one day the director called me in because he wanted to treat him for post traumatic syndrom from his combat in Korea. DH was in Korea, but never in combat, was in air raids, etc, but never all the things he told this man--never in combat. I tried to convince the man of that, but I think he thought there was something wrong with me--not DH. It's so easy to get into trouble just for being honest.
I hope your husband always remembers you Anna, because it is probably the hardest thing I've gone through. And I've been going this route well over 10 years and none of it is really easy.
Bettyhere, The nurse told me that one of the last things they remember is their military training. She said you had to watch closely because they could try acting on this training. My husband was also in Korea as a radio operator.
My DH spent 33 years in the Navy. Most of his conversation relates to his military experiences. I don't know if the tales he tells are accurate or not.
this reminds me of the earlier yrs husband was a sharp shooter in his very early yrs in the army. he did no active duty though. only national guards later while he finished his career. during the first yrs of AD diagnosis he insisted he wanted to have a rifle M-1 like he used to have in the army? yipes! scared me to death but he was livid about finding a dealer so we did locate one and i made sure there was no ammunition in the house or bought. i thought hed not be able to fill in the paperwork with the purchase but he did to my surprise, they called a week later and we picked it up-he told anyone who would listen about his military training and got into many arguments with his son who is a gun collector. in tx most are:) long story short we had a collection of arms i gave to his son this past yr to get them out of the locked cases and storage. he would even march down the halls and salute to the 'guys' in the mirror...awwww..i have to admit i loved that one..still talks to the guys but no military anymore...divvi
At one point my DH became so violent he was taken by the police to a lock-down mental facility. After they got him better, I got an official letter telling me that because of his mental condition he could never buy any guns. I wish that worked for others--maybe we could avoid tragedies like the college massacres. But then, in VA, we were told such info was not given to stop him from buying guns, because it would impinge on the shooters civil rights! Or some such thing--don't remember the details.
Divvi, this story frightened me. We should not be placed in the position of having to monitor such things--we have enough to do. I'm just glad it turned out alright. I sure understand the turmoil you were in. Somewhere, somehow, someone should have put your DH's name on a list. Maybe it's time for docs to not only report demented patients to the DMV, as they are required to do in CA, but to gun dealers as well.
My DH THINKS his three life long friends all committed suicide. Unfortunately, one friend from the age of 10, did shoot and kill himself two years ago. We have no guns - I couldn't deal with that. Before we passed everything on to his son we had all sorts of ammunition and guns. My DH gets despressed and says he should shoot himself, which is only talking because that would be impossible now that we have no weapons.
To get back to the original topic - In an earlier post (see above) I mentioned that my wife will comment that she went to China with her aunts when she was a child and they were missionaries there. Today she seemed in a more talkative mood, so I asked her about that. She said that the images of China she got from her aunts were so vivid that she felt she had been there. This could certainly explain some of the instances of the AD patient claiming to have been somewhere. On the other side, claiming not to have been somewhere that they have been to frequently, is probably due to the confusion that accompanies AD.