Oh God, I have been a mess all day, mold in my closet, (and just discover all through my downstairs) caused me to have to move all of Jim's clothes out and into bins. I am a mess. It's another Saturday Night and I am sooo flippin lonely. I am so tired of being tired and lonely. I look at old pictures, ya, a whole 6 yrs ago and I look like a baby. My God has this taken its toll on me. I remember when Saturday Night meant going to dinner, dancing, a movie, out with friends, ordering in and watching a video. Now it's the same as every other lonely night. I want to slow dance in the livingroom. I want to be wrapped in the arms of a man who smells so good, and feel safe and loved. Is that too much to ask for?
Not too much to ask. Just not to be for now. Down the road, in our AFTER, maybe then. For now we have to work at getting through. Tough. But there it it.
Awww, Susan L., your post made me so sad...I sometimes think of those things too, but not too often any more...I am so sorry for the MOLD issue you are experiencing!! What a horrible chore! Do hope you are able to get that situation taken care of...it's always something, isn't it? I know what you mean about "aging" through the journey...i too look back @ photos and think I have aged alot in these 5 years...hang in there!!
I had friends round for dinner last night. They understand Ian is not well, and when he sits there, blank faced and mute, they understand. It's not ideal, but I need company too. I expect that Ian may soon be at the stage where he can't tolerate company.....but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
I feel for you Susan.... I too would like Ian to be strong, and to make me feel safe again. It's hard not to have that.
Sorry guys, I was having my own Pity Party last night. Ended up going to bed early, the best remedy. I need to call the insurance company, the mold is everywhere, in the attic and in the basement under my laminate flooring. Plus the visit with Jim and the boys was emotional, I don't think you ever get used to this, and if you do, just as you do, it changes. Plus my Mom said some things that I'm sure she did not realized, really stung. Oh well, she is always there for me so I try not to complain, but like all Mom's she is good at making her kid feel guilty! Thanks for understanding.
I have finally come to the realization that I will always be alone. I’ve been in denial, thinking otherwise. Even if I were to lose DW today, by the time I was over the grief, who would want a 72 year old man for if lucky, a few years of viability left, unless he is filthy rich or looks like Cary Grant or Paul Newman looked at 72? I wouldn’t want to hook up with anyone my age or older for the same reason no one would want me…future caregiving? I think not. Been there. So work out to stay strong to care for DW, maybe buy a love doll, and watch tv. Life is what it is. Accept it. That’s my new motto. If God has something else in mind for me, accept that too, but I don’t anticipate anything different.
susan, i hope you can track the source of the mold and its from a source that is COVERED by insurance. we had the black mold in a huge wall and due to a lawsuit that was pending by my DH it couldnt be touched til things resolved. we settled but it caused SERIOUS health issues for DH/me/and our dogs. we didnt even know we should have moved out during the wait-even the dogs got conjunctivitis from it. i hope its a broke pipe or leak from an appliance that caused it. ours was NOT covered by insurance thus we had to sue the builders for faulty workmanship, etc. long lawsuit and guess who dealt with it??? and had to organize all the repairs after ?? not fun--we had to move out 4mos to an apt! DH got lost on many occasions living there as he wanted to go 'home'... nightmares if i remember those times.. good luck, divvi
Seriously, you could think about finding someone for a LAT relationship (living apart together) where you have a companion to do things with often but don't move in together. I think that's what I'd like. If there is life after AD. Sure don't think I'll ever be taking on another full-time commitment.
Susan, yes. Lonely, lonely. I don't want to e-mail EVERYbody I know and extol my bare feelings...nor am I a telephone person very much.....friends I have, I don't want to 'burden' with my foriegn problem. I don't feel safe talking to my daughter about this stuff and don't want to worry my parents too much with all the details of my life, either. I feel like I'm aging too....would LOVE to have my upper eyelids done!! HA! Where's THAT gonna come from? Yep, thoughts of ways to reclaim my youth I feel I've lost over only these past TWO worst years. We can ALL have a pity party EVERY night, and be angry and sad...for a hell of a good reason. Me?....I just try to fill up my days somehow and wait for night to fall. I want some company. The girlfriends I have, have families and barns of their own to care for, that take thier time. They're NOT going to just pop over here to see me, I know. I get calls from a couple of gentlemen, to go have dinner, a movie, just sit and talk. I don't know how to "date". They're aware of my situation. Just don't know how to trust anyone. I hope I'm not thrown out for talking this out loud. Sounds stupid, but I wanna be "precious" to someone again. I want to be loved and cared about again, 'actively'. I still want to go have fun. To a beach, on a trip. Out to dinner and have celebrations like Christmas, Birthdays, use the china and crystal. Have a yard party. Also, I hate the term 'Pity Party'. Sounds too much like a spoiled child who lacks nothing saying, "poor little me, nobody likes me". This is an experience in the kind of loneliness NO ONE should have to experience. I DON"T WANT TO ANYMORE! Ditto, here. I, too want to be wrapped in the arms of a very special, vital, loving man. I want to have dinner under the stars, be loved, have 'a plan' and feel secure again. NOTHING wrong with that. And, with me, if it happens, it happens. My thoughts.
My friend on the island who died recently at 95 lost his first wife when they were in their early eighties. He renewed acquaintance with someone who'd also been on the island for many years, had been divorced for many years too - and they had a commitment ceremony. I think he was about 82 at that point. They had a lovely relationship for all those years and he died after just a few months of illness. (commitment rather than marriage because of each having families and not wanting to mess all the financial arrangements up) So don't give up hope, Joe.
I like the idea of a "committed" relationship, but not necessarily marriage. I'd have to think about that one VERY hard, whereas if I were in my 20's or 30's, I'd jump right in.
Also, where is there available a man that (1) has never been married (2) has no children (3) is willing to commit to an exclusive relationship......then there's (4) is a horseman and (5) financially stable, with years of work and life and purpose ahead? (oh, and has no STD's or psychosis)
I think you all have missed the point...sure, I would like female companionship, privileges or not, but I don't have the hope that anyone is going to be interested anymore. I was a catch, up to a few years ago, sure, but now? Just an old dinosaur getting older by the day, and not looking for anything but what God may hand me as my destiny. It's that, pure and simple.
Don't you think that many of us, Joe, feel the same way, whether you're 72 or I'm 54, I think a lot of us feel all used up and dried out, left to hang. This is the cause of a lot of my own 'homemade' misery.....I want a future so badly, but don't know how that could ever even happen. What am I suppossed to do? Go lookin'? Guys can do that more easily. I don't feel like its gonna be that easy for us women....at least that's the way I feel. I just have fantasies.
Get real, stunt girl, don't you think any guy, from 40 to 80 would chase you rather then a woman older than me chase me? You've got a great chance.....you may have to wait just a little, but me? Dream on. I'm a realist....ain't gonna' happen unless God intervenes.
I agree with Vickie, don't sell yourself short. My grandmother married again when she was in her 70's to a man her age or a littler older who was a widow after taking care of his ill wife for a few years. They were very happy together until his death. They even managed to travel cross country. She's still going strong at 96.
Oh wow! Everytime I think I am doing OK with this, I'm not. I don't think there is an OK with this but I think the only way I can get through this is not think about what I wish I had. I know that is impossible but I have to some how come up with the impossible for now. I keep thinking of my fathers saying, he says want in one hand and spit in the other and see which one gets full first. I think that is a cruel and warped sense of humor but...I was married before this one and he was abusive now I am married to a nice man and because of his dementia I am feeling abused again. It is not his fault but the result is the same none the less. A "well meaning person" told me to divorce him, she said "I wouldn't stay with any man that didn't treat me the way that I should be treated" I can't do that because it is not his fault that he is doing these things but what I can do when I have to is place him in a NH. I hate the idea of it but that would be the safest place for him and me when the time comes and I am guessing that it well.