What can I do to solve this on-going problem of an obsession we have to tell our LO what we are going to do, or where we are going, or who is coming over, or what’s for supper, OK it’s time to take a bath, do you want to take your pills, or all the other things that we know, beyond a shadow of doubt that it will usually cause trouble for us????
Why is it so hard? To keep our mouths shut? To just shut up Do we think they should be told? Just to be nice and accommodating? We want to initiate a confrontation? Is it just the way we were raised and trained? Don’t we –Get It???? Are we just plain stupid?
When will we learn? How will we learn? Will we ever learn? I am disgusted with my inability to improve a very fundamental problem where I should know better! I don't think I am the only one with this problem. HELP!!!!!
No, you are absolutely NOT the only one with this problem. A lifetime of sharing and discussing problems with our spouses is not only a difficult habit to break, it isolates us and reinforces how lonely our lives are becoming. Everyone in my support group is always saying - "Stop discussing it. Just do it. It will save you hours of aggravation and arguing." But it's not easy. We want to keep sharing our lives with them, even when they are losing the ability to process, comprehend, make decisions, and share with us. It stinks.
This situation is a contributing factor to the caregiver dementia we seem to develop. He doesn't do a chore he's been doing without fail, feeding the critters their supper. Says nothing. I discover it a couple hours later. Now I'm feeling bad for the critters; get busy cleaning dishes and feeding them, all the while menbtally grumbling, "Why didn't he do it? Why didn't he say anything if he wasn't going to do it? The least he could have done was tell me." And then suddenly, I stop the train of thought cold. "Get your head on straight, self! He has dementia. You know his reason button is broken. Why are you all bent out of shape? You know what the deal is." And then I let it go. Remind him befre he goes to bed, to feed them i the morning.
It is hard to break the habit of sharing information and asking for input. It's near impossible sometimes to remember NOT to say, do, or react, because thoise responses don't get the results needed.
This is one merry-go-round I wouldn't mind getting off of.
I agree with Joang. It is hard to stop telling our spouses (spice) what we are going to do. Fortunately, my wife just accepts what I say and goes along with it. No arguments. So I keep telling her, even though I know she does not process the information. I also read her things out of the newspaper. She sits there and listens to me, but makes no comment. I'm sure she doesn't get anything out of it. I guess I do this in order to feel less lonely. I have someone to talk to.
I don't know when I learned the lesson, but eventually I did & others would say to me that you mustn't lie to him, etc. But what did they know? But I think we keep doing it because we become so isolated, all alone in a house w/someone who is demented--year after year after year! It's not a normal life so you have to train your mind to PROTECT yourself and that involves doing all sorts of unnatural, unimaginable, sometimes immoral things like outright lying. I've always had dogs, now it's Nueve the cat, but I talk to her as I'd talk to a person or sometimes it's just nonsense, maybe that's how I began to communicate w/my DH, talking in a normal fashion to him but not really expecting any sort of normal response--learning to protect myself--weaving around a topic when I finally learned it was easier for me. P.S. It didn't always work--but mostly it did.
I still tell my husband things and then get crazy when he says bizarre things back. I don't know why I can't stop but I always told him everything and its a hard habit to break. Maybe one day I'll learn. sigh...
Me, too, Emily. Sometimes he wants to know at night what we're doing tomorrow, but often he doesn't think about it and so I talk only about the moment at hand, unless there's something special that I feel needs advance notice. For instance today a former colleague of his came to visit and I told him about it yesterday so that he could think about it, remember these people and be prepared. Also, if I want him to take a shower in the morning it helps to talk about that the night before. He always says OK, whereas if I tell him in the morning that he should take one, he says NO.
Eventually you learn not to talk about what worries you. You keep it to yourself or write it in your journal. Don't fight it the DISEASE WINS EVERY FLIPPIN TIME!
You ladies seem to have more ability to watch your tongue. I thought it would be the other way around. hahahah. I have been at this for way too long and it is still so hard for me to try to have a conversation. I even do real silly stuff so at least we can do something verbal together. At least the TV gives me some intelligent folks to listen to but they won't listen to me. I sometimes try real hard to figure out what she is tryng to talk about. It is frustrating on me but think what it must be on her, not to be understood. AD sucks!!!!!
What makes it hard for me is that sometimes my DH seems capable of listening and responding. (These moments are getting less frequent). So I continue to blather on - just like old times until AD raises its ugly head and I am reminded that I am better off to mostly keep my mouth shut. I so miss having conversations with a normal adult. My book club, church, computer club and fitness center all help keep me semi sane. AND this message board, of which I am a newbie.
I too try to talk alot with my DH and find that sometimes I even get a response...I just think that sometimes they are "in there" and sometimes "not"...so, I keep on talking, hoping that it's an "in there"kinda day. :) As for talking with others, I think it's getting to the point that when people see me coming they RUN because they know I'm gonna TALK! LOL!! I talk to EVERYONE! Checkers @ the store, postman, drive-through people...it's hard not to...ya just miss the connection of a real conversation ~ I even find myself TEXTING funny stuff to my daughter when she's at work because I don't want to interrupt her "on the job", but @ the same time, don't want to forget the 'funny thing' i needed to tell her...it works for us! :)
natsmom, You are not alone, I have become such a "Catty Cathy" I have even started apologizing to people for being a pest....so far everyone has said, I am not. lol As you said, I miss the real conversation or any conversation. I sometimes find myself telling my husband something about the kids, or whatever, but since there is really no response, I am beginning to think what is the use.
Bill, try screaming into a pillow, crying in the shower, yelling in the car, and howling at the moon, it all helps and DW won't here. Arms around, Susan
Got a good one for you. I have become pretty used to not attempting any meaningful conversations anymore. Just in the minute stuff. I, too, put strains on the few relationships I still have outside my marriage, as I am desperate for adult conversation. I am wondering if I am becoming toxic to relationships..but that is another topic altogether.... Okay...my husband usually just talks stuff that is either just garbage or extremely hard to decipher..so alot of guessing has to go on. You know the drill.
Well well well..out of the blue the other day and clear as a bell, he asks me if I know why I have gained so much weight. Gotta love him..or I'd have to kill him.!
The last time a true thought came out clear was about 3 months ago. He told me he was proud of me. That sent me on a weeping jag for about a week. He hadn't expressed a clear thought in months.
Argh.... yours truely in this hideous journey, sheltifan
Why do they become coherent on things you wish they wouldn't? My husband cannot hold a true conversation about anything but he sure can tell me when he thinks I should color my hair because my gray is showing. He's all gray but as he's a man that's okay (according to him). Sometimes you gotta laugh.
the one coherent thing my DH keeps saying is that all the women on TV have long hair. he has never, in 38 yrs, forgiven me for cutting my hair. (ha ha_) What gets me is when the TV is on and he asks me about somthing, like this Libyan getting sent home from Scotland.... and he asks, and he asks, and he says I don't understand, and he wants to know why would they bomb the plane, and blah blah blah.... and the fact is he cannot understand the non understandable. It happened, just go with it. He was always a news junkie, so he watches the news. And I could beat myself up, because I try to explain what's happening, and it's not going anywhere, and he tells me, but i don't understand. Ok, says I, It's not important. Don't worry about it. On the other hadn, His sons are always giving us trouble, and I make the mistake of telling him..... whyohwhy did I say that. now we have to have a whole day of discussing the same thing over and over. Oh Please Lord, SHUT MY MOUTH!!!
I've learned not to tell him something is planned until the night before we do it. I'm trying to tell him where we are going to lunch and not give him a choice since he can't actually make a choice any more. But it is a hard thing to do because I want him to be happy about whatever it all is.
And I've got the no adult conversation thing going on as well.
"Sheltiefan - as I am desperate for adult conversation."
Claude's hospice aide asked me one time why I spent alot of time in the bathroom while she was shaving/showering etc him. I told her the same thing. Some days, she was the only adult I had to talk to.
Looking back on today, I talked to a waitress (a few words) this morning, said hello to lots of people we passed on bicycles, spoke briefly to a girl who was seating people at an outdoor restaurant (we ended up not staying) -- and that was all. No CONVERSATIONS unless you count DH. I did talk to both sons at some length on the phone, and did a lot of emailing, and of course reading here.
Throughout our marriage, I always wanted to talk more than DH did. Finally, I came up with a phrase that alerted him to the fact that I needed more conversation—right now! I would tell him that my words were backing up on me, and I needed to get them out. Since he loved me, he would sit down and listen.
Sadly, now when the words back up, there’s not really anywhere to let them out safely. And dealing with this disease, there are a lot of words floating around, as you all know.
My DH is the type who always has to be right. (My father was the same way.) Over the years I became so fed up with always being wrong, but I have finally learned that fighting back becomes just that, "fighting." Just recently I am finally learning to swallow my words and let it go because I am finally understanding that the reasoning button is broken and there is no way I can get my point across ever again. I have also learned not to tell him that we are going anywhere, dr's appt, etc. until he needs to get ready. It is just not worth the hassle. Patience that I never knew I had is really being tested now. Raising my kids was a whole lot easier than this part of my life. So much for the pity party, I must get on with my day.