Sometimes this drives me crazier than others. If I'm not stressed and have nothing to accomplish and just wanna have fun, then it doesn't bother me at all. When there's a lot to be done and I'm getting up at 6:00 AM to rush to get ready for a worker on the never ending renovation carpenter or when we have a deadline to get somewhere and are running late (Yes, I try to plan in advance for these things) or when I haven't had enough sleep and I'm working my butt off lifting things that are too heavy or trying to pay bills, or when I ask him to take the dogs for a walk while I'm trying to focus on a conversation with a builder explaining things that are Greek to me and he brings them back in 30 seconds barking up a storm saying they "don't want to walk" and then he hovers over us with the barking dogs with that LOOK or or or or....
But really I just don't get it. This doesn't feel like dementia it "feels" like he's being selfish and lazy and taking advantage of the situation even though I do know differently I still just don't get it! DH is maybe stage 4 or 5 depending. Stage 3 with regard to things he wants to do and stage 5 with the rest.
He can still drive and loves driving. He can go online and purchase tickets to minor league baseball games and then drive himself 45 minutes to get there. He can find out who is playing in what local bar or club and make sure he's there on time. He can order his favorite drinks anywhere in town. He can play solitaire forever on his laptop. He can go online and register and train for and participate in 5K runs up to 1-1/2 hours from here beginning at 7-8AM. He can get on a plane (I make reservations) and visit his sister in North Carolina or his son in San Francisco, but he can't remember to take his cell phone unless I find it or to remove the debit card from the ATM reliably. He can remember his favorite restaurants and that he likes to go out to eat and is always ready to go!
Part 2 (sorry for long post) SOME THINGS HE LIKES ARE ACTUALLY HELPFUL THANK GOD: He can drive to the store. He's always liked doing the shopping and for that I'm grateful as I hate it. He usually calls me several times while he's there with questions. He can still cook! He likes to cook when he finds something he'd enjoy making. It's usually okay but some of it is awful and I just stuff it in a napkin. He planted some tomato plants and watermelon and usually remembers to water then but will often ignore the herbs I have nearby letting them go bone dry. He doesn't weed even his own little vegetable garden. He leaves the hose draped dangerously across stairs and walkways and yard and leaves garden tools out to rust.
CAN"T DO IT SEEMS: He cannot take care of any of the finances, even check writing. He does not (cannot?) take any initiative at all on anything other than the above or similar "fun" things. He will sit by and watch me work while he's sitting on the sofa watching hours of CNN or lying in bed at 10AM after going to bed at 9PM UNLESS he has a run in which case he has no problem getting UP at 5:00 AM. Even when I tell him if I keep doing heavy lifting my back is going to go out again he might say "okay" but will not offer to help although he will help if he's not too tired if I ask him to.
I don't nag him anymore as though we had a normal marriage and he might be expected to pull some weight. Before he was fairly active about doing things, but now he's content to sit back like today and let me hire somebody to weed wack the yard and he even instructed the guy on addtional places to do even though I bought an expensive weed wacker and he has plenty of time to do it himself.
Chores he does do routinely: He walks and feeds the dogs almost without fail. He likes walking the dogs because he likes walking and this area is gorgeous plus he meets people while he's out and about. He will do a very basic kitchen cleanup usually and will always do it if I ask him and usually mentions he did it. I asked him to vaccum the stairs every day and he did for a couple days and now might do it every couple weeks but will do it if I ask him. I try to keep him doing the routine things so he won't forget and because it just seems like a good idea. He'll do some laundry on his own and he dried ALL my expensive rayon "fat" tops (I've gained 50 lbs) and I never mentioned it by the way but I keep undryables in my own room now.
I know a lot more would be done around here and we wouldn't be living in such chaos if I didn't get so depressed over his lack of initiative and energy and willingness to help me with any of the stuff he used to do but now falls on me. I did mention it once about a year and a half ago and he said, "What's the point of life if you can't have fun!" And then he got in one of those angry tantrum states. Now when I ask for some more help (rare, but I did a couple weeks ago) he got mad and said that he had just swept up all the dirt around the front door and I swear he said it as though he had painted half the house when it was maybe 10 minutes.
I have most every bio or memoir written by or about dementia people and the people in those stories are all trying to stay active and involved in daily living activities like patinging the house, building things, etc. He retired early and it's 2-1/2 years since diagnosis and nearly that since retirement and I feel like his cruise director. I'm glad he's enjoying his life but I'm exhausted and grumpy at least today. I know sleep would help me as would getting this house finished.
It seems like the solution is for me to just join him in a life of recreation which would involve certainly getting the house finished and the finances, insurances, etc. kept up to date, but even if I resume my bookselling career out of our home (I can't imagine how that can possibly happen while he's up and about like this) I will still have to spend some time on the daily living/household things so not sure the resentment will totally go away.
Do any of you have or did you have this kind of "FEEL GOOD DEMENTIA" I call it where they can do quite well whatever they want to do but nothing else? Maybe I should call it SPOILED BRAT DEMENTIA.
Oh yeah, and....what the heck might as well get it out of my system. I've always been susceptible to other people's moods. Have trouble hanging on to a good mood while in the presence of someone bitching and moaning for instance. When I get myself up early and in a frame of mind to really get some stuff accomplished and I walk by his room and he's sleeping, it sometimes brings me really down and I don't feel like doing anything but crawl back under the covers. Or worse if he's griping at me or asking me to find things for him it just destroys any momentum I get going on getting things done and it just in the past has brought on this "get back in bed" depressive state.
My husband can be the same way. He is always up to do the things he wants to do; like go to the movies, mall even Walmart. He vacuums, mows the lawn and will fold HIS clothes and put them away (mine he just piles up), but he wants to do those things. I could be struggling to pick up something and he will just watch me from his recliner. If I say "don't you care if I hurt myself" he will answer "no".
When I had surgery a couple of months ago, he couldn't understand why I needed help and why couldn't I make his dinner when he wanted it. But if he hurts at all--boy, it's a big deal.
My husband does get up early and leaves me alone and I have to admit that sometimes I stay in bed as long as I can just so I don't have to listen to him. Because I know the first thing he is going to say to me is where are we going today, what's for lunch (even though he just ate breakfast), can I go for a walk, etc., etc...
I don't really think there is anything we can do to change the situation but try to just deal with it. Sometimes I feel like screaming and other days he doesn't bother me so much. Hang in there.
yeah deb same here somedays I feel like screaming and other days he doesn't bother me so much and then there are even some times (can't recall an entire day) I enjoy his company and we have a good time especially if we're doing things HE enjoys. I just do not understand how the brain can enable a person to do a task they enjoy and disable them from doing others.
I just wish I was better at hanging onto my own mood without being affected by his mood or behavior. I'm getting better at it but doubt in this journey I'll be totally there before it is too late.
wow, I cannot believe what I am reading :-), I could have written most of what you have written, but I don't understand anymore than you. My DH is the same, I have felt the same, and I'm sorry to say have not found any solution. He starts first thing in the morning, with sarcastic remarks that end when he goes to bed...he only does what he wants, although he is still capable of doing alot of things. I had a colon resection, with some complications, and after two weeks in the hospital I think he did the dishes twice, then it was back to normal....most everything is MY job, and he just doesn't care much. I thought he was a bit unique in this respect, until I read this. But I find I will do about anything to get away from the constant banter, because that with his attitude that "I'm retired, I don't have to do anything" about drives me nuts. But just like both of you said, some days its actually okay. Today I had been out of town all day, getting stuff we need for a project that has to be done on our water system, and when I got home, exhausted, he said "you going to cut my hair now or in a little bit"...ARRRRGGGGG! Last time I put him off cause I was tired we went into a tantrum and said that I never do anything when he wants me to and I was selfish etc...oh well, I cut his hair. But I can't thank you enough for sharing this, it just helps to know others are facing, coping with the same situation, Hugs, Linda
I know about trying to hold onto our moods and not letting theirs affect you. I still don't understand why some days he can be constantly repeating himself, singing loudly in the car, and telling me how to drive, and it doesn't faze me. Another day the same stuff makes me want to scream like a banshee at him to shut up.
This is all so true!!! Cruise Director!!! That's me... Not only must I arrange it, write the check for it and do it with him; It must be with a rediculous smile on my face... If I'm not enthusiastic he starts pouting/growling. Like everyone here; I just do it... But I wake up as late as I can, stay in shower as long as I can (even brush teeth and floss in there), try to get a nap in afternoon, and if all else fails wear earplugs. I also use the wall calender alot to write down any and all appointments so I can escape. And I write them in such a way he wouldn't want to come; "Perm"; "Birthday Shopping for granddaughters"; "Dog Shots"; "Movie -very girl movie-"... And if it's on the calender I pretty much can go... Would love to hear more suggestions...
Are ya'll FTD or AD? My DH has a diagnosis of FTD but what you are describing is exactly what we went through 3-4 years ago plus other (worse) behaviors. He never was real active outside the home so he didn't have the outings like Terry mentions, but the sitting on his behind having me do everything started years ago and continues. Initially I thought he had become impossibly lazy -- even quit taking off his clothes and shoes before going to bed. I have no encouraging comments or helpful suggestions just sympathy and empathy for your situations. I'd toss you some rope if I had any to spare :(
That is so funny, I just went to see Julie and Julia today! I do the same thing, I know what he doesn't want to do, so I always plan at least one of those things...fabric store etc... When I need to get away. I felt so guilty, thanks for sharing that!!! Oh, but I aslo have a very small room, or maybe a very large closet, that has my hobbie stuff in it, my computer, tv, a twin bed, and so much stuff that he hates to come in here, says I need to throw a bunch of it away, but it keeps him out, and I spend alot of time in here.
My husband has FTD. So far the worst thing he has done was shoplift a few things last year. One of them was my Christmas present that he insisted he used his credit card for. Charge never showed up and he said THEY must have made a mistake. I'm just glad he wasn't caught and arrested. Oh yeah, and to top it off, what he took was a cross with the serenity prayer engraved on it.
I am lucky that I don't have the aggressive behavior just the apathy and stubborness on certain things.
I totally feel the same - I have to go to work - pay the bills - worry about my kids in college - and many other regular everyday things - while my husband wants me to be happy and go to the beach take a walk and be the perfect wife - It is very stressful at times - he also does laundry cleans the kitchen and takes care of the dog - of course can't remember if he fed her or not - It is so difficult at times to put on a happy face for him - not to mention he is always around me and I never am alone I spend a lot of time in my bathroom - at times I feel like a teenager avoiding my parents - I am 50 years old - thanks for letting me vent
Jim has FTD and went through the stage of wanting to wear the same jeans every day for weeks, would wear his dirty shirt to bed, and would put his dirty socks back on. Then came the avoidance of a daily shower. He developed social anxiey which turned into absolutely no interest in social contact. He would almost always choose to stay home if given the choice. Now that he is entering stage 5 of 6 and stuck in the psychiatric unit awaiting placement, (5 weeks on Tues) he loves company, but can't stand the background noise. Hang in everyone. Susan
Exactly, how I felt a couple years ago. I even mentioned to my friend, it felt like he was living the "Life of Riley" as my parents would say. It seemed like I was doing everything...which I was & he was watching. I knew I shouldn't feel that way, however, it was hard not too. I don't so much feel that way anymore, I guess you become accustomed to doing things yourself...or at least I have. And, I hate to say it, but something else will take it's place for awhile that drives you nuts, then it will become normal. And something else will come along.
terry, as others have said, I could have written most of what you said myself (except that my husband doesn't drive any more). I do feel I am getting worn out from doing the thinking and the "doing" for both of us. But for some strange reason, misery loves company I guess, it renews me a little when I hear that it is the same for all of us and I am not alone.
Terry--Your husband just CANNOT help you--apathy is a part of the disease. I experienced the frustration and overwhelmed feeling at the beginning, but it wore off when I saw I could handle everything. It was one of the hardest things to get used to, but I did. I actually am glad that the apathy set in way before diagnosis, because that way he didn't make any big financial mistakes as some others do. There are some spouses here who have posted that their LO's lost major sums due to poor judgment brought on by the disease.
The fact that you are renovating is probably making your situation much harder. I had a similar experience, but now all the overdue maintenance issues have been taken care of and life is easier to take. Try and pace yourself (if you can) in what you are taking on.
Just my two cents here. For the spouses who are not yet to the point where their reasoning button is completely broken, this may be their way of dealing with this disease. I do think that if I found out I had this terrible disease, maybe I wouldn’t want to do anything but fun things in the time I had left, either.
Having said that, while my DH was still able to do and understand some things, one day I sat him down and told him that we could go on the way we were, with me doing absolutely everything and working myself to death, or he could try to help more, which would mean that he would be able to stay home longer, rather than go into care. It was his choice. He really did try to do more after that—sometimes with a lot of gentle reminders from me. But it was better for a while.
What a great topic and so timely for me. I knew I was doing a lot, but this week after having knee surgery on Monday, I now know I do everything. DH really expected me to make his dinner the same day I had the surgery. My daughter brought us some dinner. The next day when I was using a walker, he asked me was my back hurting. He is physically able to clean or do laundry or put laundry away. I have been doing everything. If something breaks, he just looks at me. He no longer drives, which I am relieved about. He makes his breakfast, but did not offer to make mine. He makes his lunch, but did not notice that I did not eat. Everyday around 5:30 he asks what is for dinner. Then at 7:30 he looks for a snack. He can take care of himself, but does not notice if I need help. If I ask him to put away laundry, he puts his away and leaves mine for me to take care of. I know it is the disease, but it makes me so mad. If he comes to the doctor with me, he has to leave the exam room while we are waiting for the dr.and use the restroom. Usually, he can't find his way back and someone has to help him. We have to face that with an AD spouse, we are on our own.
WOW... Much of this thread sums up what life is like with Ian.....Except he's nowhere near as capable as Terri's DH. I DO everything for him and I get so frustrated carrying the can ALL OF THE time...
All Ian does to help is empty the trash and mow the lawn.....And he even manages to mess that up... The rest of the time, he watches sport on the TV. Or buys ridiculous and unnecessary items from Amazon online. I work, running a complex business, I employ staff in the business, I manage the home, look after all the dogs....all the laundry, shopping, cooking, holiday reservations....EVERYTHING. Some days I think...'Why don't ya just stick a broom on my butt so I can sweep the floor while I go along doing my other jobs...???'
There's a song in the UK by Alesha Dixon called 'The boy does nothing' Apart from the fact Ian is a man and not a boy, the song's chorus applies to him perfectly...
OMG I am so grateful there are all these comments. Last night when I went to bed there was only one and even just one made me feel much less NUTS - which is why I think it's not so much "misery loves company" as was said but that we need some validation that this is not unique to us, that we're not overblowing the situation.
FTD: Two neurologists and his first neuropsychologist thought he probably has FTD but his diagnosis is "probable FTD or Alzheimers". I've wavered on whether it is FTD as he hasn't had any of the really bizarre sexual or huge antisocial behaviors associated with FTD. He does lose his temper and occasionally scream obscene words with reference to me while outside even though sound carries over the hollow we live on and this mortifies me. And he has had some rages, twice he hit me, but that no longer happens probably because I know how to avoid them better now.
Also, FTD from what I've read has a shorter life span than Alz and he is not progressing that rapidly. His scores have dropped dramatically. In one year his IQ test portion of the neuropshc test went from 97% of population to 66%th. And I have no doubt as he was a brillian scientist he would have started out in the 99%. Nothing showing FTD showed up in either of his MRIs, the last one being several months ago and didn't show up in the PetScan they did January 2007.
Mimi - LINDA: You wrote "I got home, exhausted, he said "you going to cut my hair now or in a little bit".
We should exchange phone numbers. Please feel free to e-mail me (that goes for anyone! My e-mail is in my profile) What is it with the flippin (thanks Susan) haircuts? DH will tell me during the most exhausting projects or times when I'm using the car to run essential errands, DH has stopped many a time and said "I need to go get my haircut." Or we might be working on something (a rare event where we're both actually accomplishing something) like painting or sanding and DH will simply announce he's going to lunch or going to hear music or going for a walk.
Marilyn - I have to respond to some of these posts separately. I can't hold it all in my head to respond in one post. APATHY: Yes, I understand that is part of the disease. But what confuses me is you say he CAN NOT help me but sometimes he does and can. And can do other things where is is NOT apathetic. That makes it seem like laziness and selfishness and self-absorption. But since he really wasn't that way before I guess it is the disease but I don't get it. And I do frequently feel taken advantage of even though I know I shouldn't.
As for the finances, no actually in our case he had cost us many thousands of dollars before I realized he could no longer handle ANYTHING financial. Just last year I finally had to pay $15,000 in back state of Virginia taxes and penalties for something he had supposedly taken care of. And that is only ONE instance. I sell rare books and had a new books bookstore when I met him in late 70s. And I used to be a voracious reader. He wasn't, said he'd had enough of that at work. But a few years before DX he began buying used and rare books of poetry by a remote cousin. I was thrilled he was developing an interest in something other than work. Then he slowly began expanding the field into another interest he developed which was his genealogy and that expanded to books on Devon and regions in England and the U.S. Pretty soon he had acquired through the internet mostly many many books. And he added rare ($$$) maps to that. Still, I thought, well it's his money, and I'm glad he has this passion now after so many years of none. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I was reshelving those books that I looked inside the covers and saw the prices he had been paying. I knew a few were expensive but had no idea he was paying so much for so many of them. He had always said that when he retired he wanted to catalogue his collection, but has shown no interest in doing so since his retirement early 2007. They're on the shelves but he hasn't mentioned them at all since we moved here two years ago. The other day though he was abe books on the computer and started talking to me about a certain publisher and I said, "you're not buying books are you?" He said no, but I think it's time to change the bank accounts so that he only has access to a limited amount of money.
KATIEMIKAELIAN.. "while my husband wants me to be happy and go to the beach take a walk and be the perfect wife" - some of you are mentioning your husband wants you to be there for him and do things with him happily or whatever. This is not the case here. DH seems like he doesn't care if I do anything with him or not. He's happy to go hear music, go on his walks, runs, ballgames, eat out, all by himself. It's a blessing in one sense since I don't have to work so hard for my own space like some of you do, as he doesn't seem to care if I go out without him as long as he's not wanting the car. I do feel guilty at times though too. If I'm out and stop at a restaurant I ALWAYS bring him something back. This would not occur to him to do but so many times when we're in a new restaurant I learn he's already been there.
Maybe it's partly because I've always had my separate interests, many womens' groups, things he had no interest in, and my own career, and he's never expected me to cook dinner every night or do his laundry or any of those things. We shared cooking or fixed our own, very casual. It would be even harder now if he was expecting me to cook every day but at this point he can fix all his own meals perfectly fine.
MSABBY: I remember your posts back when I first posted on here Sept 2007 I think. I'm 58, DH is 67, I was posting about DH drinking too much and getting violent with me. I remember you saing that nothing embarasses you anymore, that your DH could pee on your foot or something and it wouldn't bother you. HA! I've held that thought although I am very easily embarrassed.
I deal with this all in the extreme I think because when he was in that raging phase and drinking I started staying downstairs in my own room (I MUST HAVE MY OWN ROOM) and it's become such a habit that I am seldom upstairs which I know is unhealthy because upstairs is attractive and decorated and downstairs is the part that is not finished and is the holding and staging area for all the junk. Our house now is only 1200sqft - a stupid decision on my part as we moved from a 2500 sqft home. I've had major depression on and off for 3 years and now with change in medication am in a better place most of the time there were periods when I wouldn't get out of bed for up to 6 days. There's so much to do I get overwhelmed and then when I start something it's too easy to be set back by his mood/apathy/unwillingness to help out that I just pull into myself and do only what's necessary which is usually quite a bit or I'd probably still be in bed.
Now for everything I say the opposite is also true which is what makes this all so hard. DH is right now at the square in town a few blocks away listening to bluegrass. He has called me twice to let me hear the music so I could decide if I wanted to come down. I told him I would go to the festival when there was music I liked which will be later in the evening. So, it would appear he's being thoughtful and many would say how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful husband. Another topic entirely I may begin now that I'm finding company with you all in these things that have driven me nuts.
Well, Terry, it's a funny thing about AD apathy--my husband's apathy comes and goes. If it's doing work around the house, contemplating walking on the treadmill, letting me take care of all our personal business, then yes, he's apathetic. But if it's fun stuff like going out to dinner, traveling, movies, socializing, then he's raring to go. So who is the crazy one around here? In a way, it's like a child, without the self-discipline to do the "work stuff" but not the "fun stuff"--like your situation. But I feel that it's not worth the aggravation to try to get him to do more--it's the philosophy to "go where they are"--AD, in the end, will win out.
On the money front, I sure would limit his access to funds. Based on your past history,you can bet that if he continues to have money to spend, it will not be spent in a way that you are happy with!
In our case this issue focusses mostly on the yard work. We've got a good cleaner once a week and I do very little housework (and NO renovations). But we have a large yard, many flower beds, a hill covered with plants, a large pond surrounded by a border, etc, etc. For years (even before AD) I've been pushing for less work-intensive beds, letting large areas grow into one plant. But hubby loved intricate beds and borders with color schemes and after all, it was always HIS baby, he always had garden projects going and worked on them all spring and summer. NOW he tells people that our yard requires no work at all! The only thing he will do (SOMETIMES) is follow me around and cut debris up into smaller pieces and haul it to the compost bins or heap. I don't pester him about it, just tell him I'm going out and I hope he'll come and help. Often he'll just stand and watch and criticize what I'm doing. He didn't want me to hire somebody to mow the lawn this year, said he could do it. But I have to persuade, nag etc to get him to mow, and then he'll only do a small piece at a time; it's all uneven with large areas completely unmown. So I usually end up finishing off but with all those intricate and funny-shaped slopes and corners it's hard on my knees. He had a mower you could sit on for a while but didn't feel safe on it on the slopes, so traded it in. Probably a wise move. But he tells visitors that he always mows the lawn. When I use the blower (we have lots of paths and a long driveway) he always want to take over, but he can't do it effectively. He goes right out to the ROAD in front of our house and starts to try to blow that clean. It's a country road, strewn with horse manure, etc. Fun and games. But he's ALWAYS eager to take a two-hour bike ride to a restaurant and back!
Kadee: So are you saying that nothing showed on the earlier MRIs and PET scans?
For those dealing with FTD: How quickly or slowly has it progressed?
Marilyn, I've made a lot of progress toward not expecting anything of him. I was MUCH worse earlier, but it still gets to me mostly because I still don't get it. And I would so love to get to the place where I can go where he is because he's having fun and I AM NOT. So, we're going to Portland Sept. 18 for 10 days. And I'm going on my second quarterly sanity break to visit my grandson next Thursday ALONE.
Terry, Yes, that is what I am saying. It was so frustrating to see his memory decline each year. We saw 5 different Neurologist. His problems started at age 50 with Absence Seizures, that were located in the Frontal Lobes...which can cause memory loss. However, I researched seizures until I was blue in the face & could really never find where the memory was declining to the point his had. His Maternal Grandmother & Mother both passed away from dementia. Although, both were in there late 60's & 70 before any symptoms. No seizures The MRI results were that the brain's deterioration was normal for a man his age....sure & most men get lost 5 miles from home for 1 1/2 hours, ask for directions, which made no sense to him...by the grace of God he somehow found his way. Even the first PET Scan results, were not conclusive with Alzheimer's. When he just kept declining I demanded another PET Scan last July, which showed FTD.
Kadee, I asked his neurologist for a second PETSCAN (first one just upon DX early 2007) and he saw no reason for it although did order an MRI. He said it makes no difference if he has FTD or Alz and if there were any treatment which would help with FTD specifically as opposed to Alz he would try to determine it. He's soon to be seen by a memory clinic here as that neurologist moved away. His memory problems bothered him early on and that's the only reason he was willing to seek help but it was never that obvious to me and still is not terribly bad. It was his behavioral changes and the almost complete destruction of executive funcitoning that caught my attention. His scores put him in the 20th percentile on exec.functioning but just at or below average on working memory. But even his behavioral changes, "using stock phrases, repeating me when asked questions, temper, apathy, no initiation, money issues" were not as extreme as what the FTD literature describes as a total lack of social inhibition. His tact sometimes leaves him and social graces are not that good but nothing extreme except the yelling at me or the overreactions.
The first few years my husband also scored very high, I think the only thing he had trouble with was drawing the triangles, even sometimes he did that fine. As it has been mentioned here before regarding Alzheimer's & I am sure it fits FTD also...If you have seen 1 Alzheimer's patient, you have seen 1. I have read where some FTD patients decline rapidly & others don't. My husband had sudden outburst of anger. Always over nothing, I will never forget the time we were at the gas station waiting line for gas. A spot opened & my husband pulled in, I guess this other older...my husband's father's age, was waiting on that spot, we didn't realize it. The older man yelled over to my husband "that if he was in the big of hurry, he should have bought gas earlier" Instead of explaining that we didn't know he was waiting on that pump, my husband came unglued, he screamed at the old gentleman, threated to kick his ass. I got out of the car & actually pulled my husband back in. This man was twice my husband's age. I was so stunned that I never mentioned it on the way home. He never liked it when things didn't go his way, and expressed it. I just thought he has a short fuse. Now as I think back there were many times he over reacted to many things. That leads me to believe, he had FTD long before any memory problems started.
Terry, reading the book 'Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" really helped me a lot with the "going where he is". If you haven't read it, I think it's a must. I like your term "sanity break"--may borrow it sometime.
I really appreciate this discussion - please tell me if anyone has a husband who is SHADOWING my social worker says this is a symptom - he just is near me all the time and when I need space and ell him he becomes very angry thanks
Katie, ditto for me, except he doesn't become angry, he becomes hurt if I tell him I need some space. If I am in another room for too long, he comes looking for me. As for the mowing, it is the only thing left that he takes care of and I believe this will be the last season and come next spring, I will have to hire it done. And ever since we moved to TN 6 years ago and he got his first riding mower, he cleaned that mower thoroughly after every use - it looked like new still. Now, mows and parks it and doesn't clean it at all.
Is shadowing 'following around..?' If so, Ian does this all the time. It can be quite irritating as he's always there...sometimes I can't even go to the bathroom without him standing and waiting for me. I've just noticed divvi's comment above, so I'm going to find the 'shadowing thread' and read it....
I sometimes have to make up a white lie, and tell him I need to be alone to discuss a 'girls problem' with my daughter. For now this does the trick. He does spend a lot of time sleeping and in front of the TV. but when he's up and about, he may as well be attached to me by a short piece of string...!!
This has just started with my husband. If he is not right behind me, he standing in the doorway staring. Matter fact just this morning, I told him to either go sit down or go out to the garage. I was trying make the bed in he was always in the way. Finally, couldn't take anymore, and in a very stern voice I said "GO IN THE LIVING ROOM, SO I CAN BREATHE" I was going to apologize, but I am not sorry, so it wouldn't be sincere. Anyway, he's forgot.
My husband does this to. I've actually turned around and bumped into him because he was so close to me. When I getting dressed or fixing my hair, he's right there. When I ask him to go so I can finish up, he makes an excuse like "I'm looking out the window" or "listening to the radio". He'll even stand outside the bathroom door and ask what I'm doing.
More decline in executive function than memory is typical of Lewy Body Dementia. LBD includes Parkinson's symptoms, but that can be slowness, not tremor. On Tuesday I asked my husband what he had on his schedule and he said his day was full--physical therapy in the morning (1/2 hour 20 minutes away) and a massage in the afternoon. He asked me what I had on my schedule and I listed about 10 things, related to work, house renovations, and getting our kids ready to go back to school.
Several months ago I confronted my husband that he organized a big birthday celebration for the friend he drinks wine with but couldn't manage anything for my birthday. He said good point, but nothing changed. I do tend to feel that he wants to do the things he enjoys because his time is short, and that he is somewhat entitled to that. He is 64. Besides, if he tries to do something he needs so many reminders and is so likely to do it wrong that I am better off doing everything myself.
Thankfully the one difficult task he still takes on is helping out his 98 year old aunt. Though today when she had to go to the emergency room I dropped everything and went to meet her there, as I knew he wouldn't get there quickly enough (it was nearly two hours before he got there, which did include getting some supper). Her xrays showed nothing broken so they sent her back to assisted living.
This worked for my brother and youngest sister when they were little and Grandpa was down to visit for a week or two at a time. They were mystified with his closing the bathroom door for periods of time. We had all taken turns at shooing them away from the bathroom door, when on of my other sisters approached the situation differently. She asked them what they were doing, and why. "Grandpa's in there again. What's he doing?" She answered, "He's washing his socks." They were fine with that and went on their merry way. No more shadowing the bathroom door either.
Could work for our LOs. Give them an answer--even a ridiculous one. They might back off, their curiousity satisfied for the time being.
pamsc - Lewy Bodies has never been mentioned with regard to DH. I researched it early on and just checked the website and I can't see that DH fits the core symptoms except for lacking in executive functioning. We're going for a drive now and I will try to talk with him about hallucinations. He's never mentioned any to me or any of the various drs. but who knows?