My Bob is now declining in this dang illness, he is scared all the time , says 2 men are being mean, talking about not wanting to join the navy, he did that in the 60`s but didn`t go into active duty, got sick. he is always crying but can turn it on and off, if I tell him no crying he stops for awhile then does it again, is yelling for mom, dad, gramma, I`ll say something to him , he will look at me and smile, say hi honey, talk for awhile and it will start all over again. drools all the time now, eats and drinks well, dr. says just declining. I feel so helpless when I visit him and he is still asking to come home, scared of the men. Not a way to live your life . I am to the point I don`t want to visit but then again I want to be there all the time, so not like living in limbo. thanks for letting me spout a little. Gail
Oh, marygail, I am so sorry this is happening to you and Bob. I'm sure it's a bad roller coaster ride for you. Go ahead and spout whenever you need to. Wish I were there to help - but meanwhile, know I'm thinking of you and giving you lots of warm hugs.
Dear Gail, you are truly living the long goodbye. As I am not yet there in our Alz journey, I can offer no advise. Just know that I will keep you and bob in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUG)))
Gail, that must be so sad. My husband isn't that bad but he does think there are kids (now guys) in the house that move his things around. He doesn't say that they're mean. They're just here. I'm sure you do feel helpless. I've tried to explain to mine that it's just the two of us here but he doesn't believe me.
Gail, it is so hard to watch them suffer this long goodbye. We feel so helpless - we ARE so helpless to help them. We must protect ourselves from the pain of not being able to make them well while we do all we can for them. When they ask to come home, we really don't know if they are referring to their earthly home with us or their "home" where they will find peace and love. I like to think the latter, because that is what we wish for them at this point. To be at peace at last.
marygail, crying all the time and delusional like that seems like something should be adjusted with his medications-there are meds for this purpose to settle such feelings of anxiety. maybe you can bring it up with his attending dr to see if there are any further options to help him cope (and you) -i can only imagine how hard it would be to visit under those circumstances. my best to you and him, divvi
fear is very common. My DH is not at the stage yours is, but he often tells me he's scared. If i'm out too long, or he can't find me quickly enough. My heart goes out to you at this troubled time. I do agree with divvi, that some change of meds might help, and make things easier for both of you. for him, at least he won't be so frightened, and for you, the ability to visit comfortably, and make the most of your time together.
Marygail, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Bob. It is so hard, but it is something that we all will or have faced. Visit when you can and stay home and rest (guilt-free) when you need to. Remember we are here for you anytime you are tired, scared or need a shoulder. Arms around, Susan
thank you all for your words of incouragment, Divvi, I didn`t even think about that adjust the meds I will have a talk with his dr. hope it will be fixed it is to much to see him like that. Love ya all. Gail
marygail, can I piggyback on your "just need to talk"? My problem is that I need to talk with someone and just need to vent a little but have no one to talk with. I can't bother my son with every little thing; I try to keep him for the bigger things. What is bothering me is that DH gets so upset about just about everything that there is hardly a minute that goes by when I am with him where he is not angry or ranting about something. Then, if he finds that me or our son failed to tell him something, he gets mad at us. We do try to protect him from all the small stuff but we are actually protecting ourselves also. He has been working most every day on the family member garage building. He is off today and tomorrow. I called him mid-morning from work just to say hi and he started in on something and then ended the conversations as if everytime I call it upsets him. If I don't call then he rants on and on that nobody cares and that I must not love him. This is from a pretty highly functional guy. I know that there is nothing I can do but "suck it up" but it sure gets hard when you have no one to talk to. Thanks to all of you for being available and for understanding. It is now 3:20 p.m. and I should be calling him to say hi but I know how it will come out and really don't want to. However, if I don't call, it might set him into a worse evening. You know that red "easy button" on all the ads. I have wondered how nice it would be to have an easy button to press that would freeze him when he starts to rant. This would give me a chance to catch my breath.
The very short-term memory thing is worsening by the day. He also is beginning to have more problems with measurements. This has been the one area where I have not seen problems yet. He told me that yesterday he was late getting home because he kept cutting boards wrong.
Well, I called DH. He was fine for a couple of minutes. Told me that he was tired, achy and wished that he felt better. Then he asked me what was for dinner. I told his the pot of beans and ham that I had made a couple of nights ago. He said "the ones that you forgot to make right." (we usually put some brown sigar into the pot but I was out so I didn't.) I told him that was correct but that if he didn't want them that I would make him something else. This lead to a rant about me not caring about his feelings or I would have what he likes in the house. He suggested that we throw the beans out because tomorrow was garbage day. Then it was on to the reason that I didn't put brown sugar in the beans was because we were doing bad with money. etc. etc. I finally cut him short with an excuse and said good bye.
What's a person to do? He was acting like a spoiled child. the problem is that when I get home, if I cook something else I might be accused of causing trouble or if I give him the beans then he might refuse to eat them and I will be accused of causing trouble. You can't win this game so you need to play it out without losing too bad.
Remember that it is OK to call the Alzheimer's Association 24 hour hot line. I've called them in the middle of the night when I needed to be talked down. Your spouse can have any kind of dementia, not just Alzheimer's. They take care of all of us.
I have it in my phone where DH couldn't find it if he went looking. Everyone needs to talk sometimes. One thing that I have going for me is that I have always been a loner. I think growing up on the ranch did it. I did a lot of things by myself and have not had hardly any close friends over the years. I also had two older brothers. I also learned from some childhood things not too trust anyone. I really am not a basket case. I just sound like one. But all of these things make my day-to-day easier, except for the not having anyone to talk to. DH was one of the few that I did trust and it worked out well for many years. Now he is not himself and I have not been able to trust this new DH.
Mary, Have you checked with DH's doctor. A few weeks ago my DH was ranting about the parking where we live. I keep everything in my computer and print it out for the neuro. The last time we went the neuro read it all and put DH on Sertraline (Zoloft). So far he has been calm and I hope it stays that way! You may want to check with his neuro or PCP. Good luck.
Mary..agree with everyone regarding meds. DH was like this and a low dose of Lexapro got us through that emotionally draining stage. They are still well enough for everything they say to hurt and hurt big time. Also love your line....my new motto! It works for me as they are in the "last quarter of the game". Hugs
final bit on the beans. DH spent 15 minutes last night talking bad about the beans, I don't love him, etc. I suggested that I make hambergers instead and that there was not reason that he eat the beans if he really didn't want to. He was quiet for a few and then went into the kitchen and heated the beans for us, set out the bowls, etc. He put maple surup in his and said it was pretty good. He told me that he didn't want me to fight with him any more about eating the beans. I couldn't believe that he came up with a good idea for fixing the bad beans problem. I had to laugh to myself about the whole thing.
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Mary - I am getting better at not letting it hurt my feelings when my previously kind, loving, compassionate husband says mean things to me. The other thing I am learning to do is not respond and walk away from the situation. Remember - THE REASON BUTTON IS BROKEN....... I have to keep reminding myself of that and any attempts to reason will usually make things worse. I, too, try not to bother our children with these types of things but am lucky to have a sister who has known and loved my husband all her life and she will always listen to my rants!!
Janeb, hang onto that sister, she's one in a million. Mine doesn't exist anymore, she's useless and hurtful. You are very lucky.. But hey, I've got all you for my sisters, so I'm good!
Weejun, It was really "touch and go" as to who was going to be throwning the beans. In the end, no bean mess. What he doesn't know is that the bean story is not over yet. I froze three jars and used one in a garden soup that I made yesterday. Now, I just need to find out if the joke is on me or him. Our latest rant is about him having to sleep on the couch or floor because I don't want him in bed with me anymore (his words and not mine).
Bluedaze, that is the funnyest story that I have ever heard. The end caught me by surprise also. Thanks.
Janeb, my sister who lives locally informed me last year that she won't care how I feel or what I say but that she will call the police on DH if she hears that he is causing problems for me. Needless to say, whenever she asks how he is doing, I say just fine or really good. I keep very clear of using her as a sounding board. Yes, hang onto that sister.
Jean21, I really am lazy about keeping a journal. I know that I should. I keep saying, may be next year. Now that DH is beginning to show some very short-term momory problems, it would be a good time to start. Keep pushing me, I know it will be helpful down the road.