Blind-sided..again. When will I learn? I knew our anniversary was approaching and assumed it was to be just another day. Within 10 minutes of awakening, I was a weeping mess. Did manage a full day working and keeping mind occupied. Walked out of the office at night and started weeping before I left the building.
How freaking lonely can this get? This marriage of one is nearly killing me. A few months ago I moved my wedding rings to my other hand and moved my mothers ring to my wedding finger. Symbolic for me. No one noticed but me. But it symbolized what a whacked out situation I live, what a strange marriage I have. A marriage of one.
Thank God it's a new day. Thank God it's over for another year. My pity party of one is behind me for awhile.
Understood. We just had our 25th. My sister very nicely had a cookout at her house with nearby family and friends. It was enjoyable. My mom brought a lovely cake which we ceremonially took a first slice at. Jeff is at a point where he enjoys the sense of party, and enjoys talking to people individually. He goes along with the cake-cutting stuff as long as you tell him where to stand and what to do, but he doesn't really get what/why we're doing it. My mom is giving us a night out at The Inn at Perry Cabin--a very lovely B&B on the riverfront--where we will have a nice dinner, a nice breakfast, and a nice view of the river. It will not be at all romantic. Somehow I've reached a point of some peace with that, but--trust me Sheltifan--I've felt exactly what you're describing.
Sheltifan, our 50th will be in a few days. I just couldn't stay here this weekend THINKING about the anniversary and deliberately trying to make it just another day. So I'm taking DH to Galveston (it will probably rain but I dont' care) we won't have to stay here.. and it will be just another day but in Galveston.. He's agreed to go and told me that it was his idea to go anyway. Not for an anniversary but just to GO somewhere. We won't be doing celebratory things but DH does know its our anniversary.. (not sure he knows how many years). I know how you feel. The symbolic gestures are sometimes very important. Just for your own sake.
for all of you celebrating anniversarie past or future, its usually a day like any other once our spouses cant recall why its important. comes and goes unless we try to help our spouses remember why its so special. even if your spouse doesnt remember to get you something or send you flowers, do it yourself! i always buy myself something i want and tell DH 'look what you gave me for our anniversary or (birthday) xmas , etc. he always smiles and says good or its nice and i remind him what day it is-its more for me than him at this point-. so even if they cant respond like we'd like or as they used to make the day something enjoyable and try to remember if they could they would be celebrating with you. and a big hug to you for you special day! divvi
Sheltifan, last Nov we "celebrated" our 5th anniversary by going to the B&B where we spent our wedding weekend. (We honeymooned in Ireland). Our 5th Anniversary pretty much consisted of him sleeping and me swinging on the lovely swing in the garden by myself with a blanket and a bottle of wine. He wasn't interested in anything, and I didn't understand why. His dx came a couple months later in Feb. Then I understood. I have the memories of previous anniversaries but as I look back on each of them I now realize I was seeing changes by the first one, wow. I had no idea of what was coming. By our 3rd, I thought he was having an affair, because he sure wasn't interested in me.............oh how we women think :o)
Our 50th anniversary is rapidly approaching. Next week is the anniversary of our first date, to the Dallas Summer Musicals. don't remember what we saw but we have it recorded by one of those photographers that take your picture as you walk toward them and give you a coupon toi get a copy. We have proof.
Our son and daughter want to hold a 50th Celebration on Jan. 15 and after the week at the beach, I am hoping it will come to pass. I am going to try to organize some kin d of phot record or maybe a move record so we can play it over and over again at home. Carol loves to look at pictures, especially of those she might have a mini recoginition of the people and children. She spends hour every day looking at pictures. The meaning of the party will not mean a thing to her except a party with a lot of friends. So, you know me, I am just trying to Keep Carol Happy!!!! bill
Divvi - You always say the kindest things and always offer up some of the best advice! I agree that we should buy something for ourselves "from them" and tell them that! What fun! Today was my hubby's bday & one of the FUN things I did was to "flash him" with my "new bra" I bought myself yesterday @ Kohl's BIG BRA SALE! I hadn't intended to do this but "spur of the moment" just said "Look what I got yesterday"...he said "well look at that"! LOL!! We had a big laugh & a nice hug & kiss after that...sometimes it seems he's alot more "aware" than others...today was mostly a good day :) And I can keep those "fun times" in my heart for a long long time...Our spouses may not know it's their day or ours, but just spending it together or chatting about it, even if the other person doesn't have input, can be good therapy! ESP if we focus on the "happy" vs. the other...BUT, there are some days when we just hurt and need to cry & that's okay too...
well I've come to the conclusion that the person I'm taking care of isn"t the one I married so I just continue the daily routine,anniversaries an birthdays mean nothing any more,she doesn't remember who I am half the time,hats off to all who still consider this marriage,seems like an early version of hell to me
I'm with you ol don. Well, not quite the hell part. I've managed to find meaning and fun for myself in other aspects of life--my writing, kids, learning stuff... But marriage it's not.
Our anniversary and his birthday come a few days apart in February and we can't plan on her making it from New York City to Northern PA in the winter. So those two days are pretty hard around here. Next year will be the third year when he is clueless about all of this. We used to go out big during that weekend. No more.
Next year is the 49th anniversary. We've already had the 49th anniversary of meeting up, and this weekend is the anniversary of our getting engaged. I think the 50th is going to be a killer.
Monday was his birthday and our anniversary. I was very ambivalent about the day and it was a bit sad but I got through my work day. When I went to see him that night, he had a big blue ballon tied to his wheel chair. As this is something that he would never have chosen to do when normal, it made me laugh. When I told the nurses and aids about his choice to get married on his birthday so he wouldn't for get the anniversary, they all laughed and commented on how smart of him that was. Their attitude really helped a lot as their response was exactly what his had been all those years ago.
So, what could have been an awful, down, depressing day actually ended up being kind of nice.
Sheltifan - you never know when you will have moments where something grabs you and you start crying. Sometimes it will be something important like birthdays or anniversaries and sometimes it will be something that is very small but just gets to you. I was tearing up this morning as I remembered the lengths he would go to to get me to scratch his back or give him a backrub - it just upset me and made me sad to think it wouldn't happen again. This is normal and I think it is good to be able to express what you are feeling in words as well as get the emotion out.
I love Divvi's idea about buying something special for yourself on that day. I've done it and it really does help getting through the day.
Sheltifan, we will be celebrating our 25th next week. Somehow I always thought we would have a big party with lots of family and friends, but that's not going to happen now. So, I've made dinner reservations at a lovely restaurant, will buy a card for him and his for me, have a glass of champagne in celebration and try to engage him in conversation about how lucky we are that we made it this far. At least I will be able to celebrate it with him in a setting of our choosing. Last year we celebrated in a psych hospital after he had become violent. I am greatful we have a choice of venue this year. Yes, it's lonely.
LFL, I hope you have a lovely time. You've made good preparations. I never thought of buying DH a card for him to give to me! For our 45th in July I did buy a card to give to him, but he sort of just glanced at it and waved it away, would not even read the nice message. I came across it recently and thought: I'll save it for next year, why waste a good card? LOL The rest of the celebration, though, including dinner at a nice restaurant and talking about our life together, was similar to what you're planning and went very well -- or at least better than I expected.
Our 30th anniversary was last February. My husband knew it was our anniversary and how long; but didn't really care. My family took us out for a nice dinner and back to my sister's for cake and coffee. He didn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal out of it. It was kind of sad but it could have been worse. At least my husband is still here and enjoys doing things even if he doesn't understand the reason behind the celebrations. My sister lost her husband 5 years ago to brain cancer when he was only 42 and she had two younger children to take care of. She is my strength through a lot of things now and it also helps that she is a RN and is very patient with him.
Enjoyed reading your comments and experiences as usual. And I can relate to the emotions we all share in common. I think I would be better off if I could just cry sometimes, but, I am old and cannot (or will not) change the way I was raised. It was terrible, but, men don't cry.
Anyhow, my disappointment ire b'days and anniversaries is a little bit different and still relates to the way I was raised. (Maybe I need counseling) I have always put my DW on a pedistal and thoroughly enjoyed taking her places and doing things for her that really pleased her. Now, all of the celebrations, etc. are just blah and there is nothing I can do that she enjoys. Because of this, I don't enjoy taking her places and celebrating b'days etc.
Last week was our 47th anniversary and this Sunday the kids are have a birthday party to celebrate my 70th. DW has no idea what is going on. This sucks. But a person can only grin and bear it, because it will never get any better.
bengy, congratulations on your 47th! And an early happy birthday for Sunday and your 70th. My 70th is coming up in Nov. - probably not be much celebration here.
Texas Joe - I'm trying to follow your thinking, so tell me if I'm off base! LOL...I'm thinking you said what you said because of my hubby's response "wow look @ that"...am I right?? Not sure what your idea of "smaller ones" is, but my hubby was ALWAYS into "looking" no matter what the size ~~~ of mine and mine only, of course. ;) Is that enough info for you ~ LOL!
well I don't know if this is apropriate for this thread but I'm gonna tell it anyway,an old woman was despondent about the way her life had turned out an decieded to end it all so she got her husbands pistol out an called her doctors office an asked where her heart was she was told it was under her left breast,she was admitted to the hospital later that night with a gunshot wound to her left knee
Shelifan, I was going to start a discussion about this myself but I can piggy back off of yours because you said a lot of the things that I was going to say. My 13th anniversary was 4 days ago and I haven't been the same since. I don't feel like I am married at all and in fact I handle the things that are going on with my DH better if I think of myself as a caregiver instead of a spouse. I hate that!!!!!! There isn't a thing I can do about it though and so when it gets really bad I come here and have a pity party of one also.
OUrs was Aug. 2, and no, he had no idea what it was, even when told it just didn't register. Same thing on my birthday. We were on a cruise and when he saw the ballons on the door asked whose birthday it was. Now that this has happened twice I'll just accept it next time and take the advice that was given here to buy myself something nice. When I was single I always did that for Christmas.
We had our 25th anniversary in June. Of course, he didn't have a clue. I took us out to a nice restaurant for dinner but it was just another day to him.
Our 25th was the biggest shock of my life. Our children had planned a big party, and while sitting outside on the patio, one of our daughters, with grandchildren was talking about how fun it would be and what the kids were planning and DH went off! "I am NOT going to feed you cake, dance with you, or anthing else that is stupid, and if you make a big deal of the whole thing I am just going to leave". I asked him to "chill", since the grandkids were a bit perplexed, and he wouldn't, just kept ranting. I then said well this conversation is over, I'm going into the house, because I was crying and didn't want the kids to see. My daughter came in, and I told her it was okay, I just needed a minute and then I'd be fine, but to lock the bedroom door because I didn't want her children to come in and see me crying. Well DH decided I was out of line, came marching in the house, and when he tried to open the door and it was locked, he went into a full blown explosion, pounded on the door, and when I opened it to ask him what on earth he was doing I thought he was going to do me in (all of this was totally out of character). We were all shocked, but after a couple rough days, with the whole thing being my fault and my over reaction, we had our nurse daughter come and talk to him and he finally said, crying "there is something wrong with me". That was the beginning of our journey with Alzheimers, although there were times before things were strange this was the strangest of all. We then got him to a specialist, and...needless to say the dianosis of EOAD! SO, memories of anniversaries past are all I have, but I do buy myself something I really want, and have my own little "celebration" every year! That way, if he remembers fine, if he doesn't fine, but either way I don't expect anything so save myself that hurt. IT is amazing to me how many of you have suffered the same things, this helps so much to be able to relate. Thanks again
I celebrated our 26th anniversary on Aug 14 by reserving a table for a very nice dinner in a nearby restaurant. My DH enjoyed the meal and spoke fondly of the past - (his past and childhood). I told him that it was our anniversary but it did not register with him at all. Two days later he did not remember even eating at that particular restaurant. Needless to say - our anniversaries in the past were always celebrated with special events, cards, and flowers. As bad as I feel, I truly feel sorry that he is missing so much.
Diane's birthday is August 25th. She would have been 47. Our anniversary is August 26th. It will be our 48th. (Yes, I spent my first wedding anniversary in the hospital!) :)
I will not be celebrating it this year at all. No card, no gift, no dinner out. Just a regular day. It will be too hard getting through the day before alone.
you folks are the best. where else can we turn for people who "get it" as much as this group? I got some good tips from each of you..especially ol don! Gotta laugh cuz it's just all too horrible without a good sense of humor.