I wish I could just take yesterday back or simply ask you good people to help me feel better--but??? My DW followed me everywhere I went yesterday and talked incessantly. Now, we have had days like that before, but, yesterday got on my nerves like never before. I didn't fuss or complain out loud, but, I tensed up and got quiet. I guess this became very obvious to her and it surely wasn't anything I would be proud of. Anyhow, just before bedtime, she came into the room where I was crying like from a broken heart. Her question was Do I get on your nerves so bad that you want to avoid me? I felt so bad & I felt sorry for her. To be honest, I felt like a low down louse and rightly so. I know from this web site that our loved ones still have feelings and I disregarded that information and I am stil sorry. Needless to say, I lied and told her no that she didn't upset me. I did tell her the truth later when trying to make it up to her
I know there isn't anything you can do for me and I now wonder why I bothered you with this, but, it made me feel better just to write it down. Thanks to everyone for listening.
PS: I would be glad for any advice you could offer to help me handle these days better.
Ah, Dean, please don't beat yourself up over it. We all have days when patience takes a vacation. The truth is that they usually forget the incident, while we are still feeling guilty over it.
dean....I didn't "get" to have any experience with John wanting to follow me all over the place and EVER be with me all the time....but , I can tell you this, that joang just gave you some good advice. The one time I got SOOOOO upset with my husband (I forget what about) I yelled at him like to a little kid, "JUST GO TO BED!!" He did. I felt so badly about that. I went upstairs (at that time he was able to walk around) and sat on the edge of his bed....told him how sorry I was that I yelled at him, that I got so fussy. He smiled at me and said that I didn't get mad at him...then, how much I always took such good care of him, that I wouldn't do that. (He hadn't even remembered it!) Don't beat yourself up....this stuff takes so much out of a SAINT....I'm NOT one. Here's a hug. Jen
Dean, I've done the very same thing. Some days it about drives me crazy, shadowing, etc. I don't usaully say much when DH does that, but isn't amazing how easily they read our body language? Don't beat yourself up. If that's the worst you do, maybe you ARE a saint or something. The other night I stubbed my toe while trying to get DH to bed. I yelled "ouch!", and when he tried to talk to me about it, I found myself telling him "Shut up! Just shut UP." I've never talked to him like that before and am so glad he didn't remember it.
Oh Dean, hang in there my friend, we have all been there to one degree or another. When they become like our children, we can't help but treat them as such. We were young when our kids were little, we had more patience, but we are older now and get tired more easily and lose our patience more easily. So take a deep breath and remember that as everyone has said, she probably won't even remember it tomorrow. I am a person who hate lying, but sometimes to save their feelings or help get something done, we have to tell the little white lie. We are not doing it for harm but for good. Hang in, were tossing you a free pass to the spa on our cruise ship so you can get a nice massage ;O) Arms around, Susan
I've told my wife that she is getting on my nerves and she knows to shut up. I do not yell at her and she understands what I am go thru too. At least for now. I guess if you get to the point where you do not feel bad yelling at your spouce then you need help.
First, understand that the stair lift is broken, it was over 90 degrees today, my knee was acting up. Husband was gotten downstairs with a fair amount of difficulty, using his cane, with me walking along in front of him. He sat watching tv all day, very comfortable. Time to go back up. I am uptight about getting him up. He says he needs to poop. We get off his shoes. We get off his trousers, so he doesn't have to deal with them (he can't bend one leg). Would NOT take off his "whitie" Why not? Because I WANTED HIM TO! I exploded at him, which I almost never do. Not crying and saying I need some space here, just scolding him like a bad child. Finally he agreed. Behaved well, we managed to get him up the stairs and to bed without further incident, and will have forgotten about it tomorrow. I won't have, of course.
Oh, briegull......I'm sorry. All the inconvenience of broken stuff, your knee, non-cooperative spouse. There was SO MUCH I didn't understand early on when I first came here upon diagnosis......Wish you all were close to me here. Love, Jen. (I've been broken up many times, knees, shoulders, elbows, back, hips, spine, etc......hang in there) Jen
briegull - do you not have a bathroom downstairs? If so, I would think moving your bed downstairs would be a good idea. It would sure make it easier for both of you.
Dean, you stole my thunder. Yesterday DH asked me the same question no less than 20 times. I kept giving him the answer and tried to change my delivery hoping that maybe, just maybe, it would sink in and he'd remember it. No such luck. Finally, he asked me that one last time and I snapped back "Oh, for heaven's sake. It's 6:30 (or whateer it was). How many times do I have to tell you? Can't you remember anything??"
He just looked sad and said "gee whiz, all I did was ask you a simple question."
IL, too, apologized shortly thereafter, but he had no memory of the incident.
Frustration and fatilgue gets to everyone. Blessings and take care of yourself.
Charlotte, we don't have a shower downstairs. We have a tiny "powder room" with just enough room for a toilet and a sink and a cat pan! And it can't be enlarged because of the arrangement of openings on the backside of our old house: if we put in a shower, that would be where the back entrance is, and we can't move the back entrance without moving the bulkhead to the basement which is no small feat, and without completely rebuilding the kitchen. BIg expensive project, which I considered ten years ago when he was in bad shape physically with his screwed up leg. I dodged the issue by getting the stair glider and that has worked perfectly till now.
He hasn't waked up today; I'm in no hurry to get him moving. I think I'm going to get him downstairs and then just keep him there until the glide is fixed. Give him a sponge bath, let him sleep in the recliner. (bathing is complicated by the fact that he really needs to have his compression stocking on, etc etc etc) Can't just leave him in the recliner all the time.
BUT: I'm supposed to go up to Monhegan tomorrow. It's "hell week" when we have all the meetings of the nonprofits that make much of the island run, and I'm secretary of the Museum (meeting Thursday), on the Ecology committee (meeting Tuesday), on the board of the land trust Associates (meeting Friday, with the finance meeting before that); and I have broadly announced that we will have a walk with Helga on Wednesday; her ashes etc are HERE. So I'll be leaving him in charge of Andrew, the CNA, and Jeannette. WITH the glider, it all works smoothly. Without it, I dunno!
briegull hope your glider gets fixed asap. could that be something that medicare could help with the costs of installing a new one? since its a necessary modifcation for handicapped i would consider asking about a new one? either way it sounds like its alot cheaper to get a new one than remodel the home or move. good luck on your trip! divvi
I'm with you all on the frustration and finally losing it. I thought I was being smart by locking all the vehicles so my husband can't empty every thing out of them which he was doing every time we would return home from anywhere. He couldn't get in the truck while I was putting some groceries away so he got the hammer and pried the passenger side door handle almost off. I ran and snatched the hammer away from him and berated him for a bit. Why did you do that? Now I'm going to have to take the truck to a body shop to get that fixed! Ect. you get the picture, non of which made any difference to him, he has forgotten he did that and wonders what happened to the door handle every time he goes to get in now. But I still feel bad for losing my cool.
Sometimes losing our cool keeps us sane. My "halo" has been known to slip. I always feel bad when it happens and I am glad he doesn't remember it later.
You are all very kind and helpful, as usual. I think that the reason this bothered me so much was the fact that she wasn't 'angry, hateful, and mean' as such. I just hurt her feelings and it was if her heart was broken. I have never wanted to hurt her like that (but I have slipped a time or two) and I'm not going to start now.
Thanks again and I hope you each have a better day.
Is there an AD caregiver on the face of the earth who has NOT lost their cool at some point? If so, they must be in some kind of stupor! Let's face it, this is a situation that tests one to the max, day after day, year after year, with very little, if any, letup. I don't think we humans are really wired to do this job--those of us unlucky enough to find ourselves in this position just have to do the best we can and forgive ourselves when we lose it.
Divvi, it's tax deductible.. I asked them about replacing it and they said it's got mostly new parts now, so that doesn't make sense. They'll order new pieces 1-day air if needed. Really nice, reliable guys. Moving? Maybe. Not right away, certainly.
Yes, Dean, you said. "I know from this web site that our loved ones still have feelings," and so do WE! Oh, how good & paient I was most of the time, but then there was the day I yelled so loud & long that the neighbor came over to see if we were alright. I lied, said it was the TV, not me. Oh, I hurt him, I saw it in his eyes, but he forgot it. Years later, I remember when this topic comes up again & again. Your DW will forget, but we understand and 'forgive.' Do that for yourself, you'd do it for others, wouldn't you? It's good you came here to get it off your chest, but it's OK, really, it's OK.
Bettyhere*&MarilynMD: Thanks ---but---I can, and have, handled some hollering (not a good term-loud discussing) and even screaming better than this. My DW recently moved some pictures (for the third time) and the last discussion became an arguement and I demanded that she leave my stuff alone. She hollered back, but, when it was all said and done, as unpleasant as it was, she got the message and left them alone. Sometimes, I can get thru to her better by almost demanding or ordering her to do something. I have learned how to do this without being to ugly and unpleasant (most of the time), but, being emphatic works in some situations.
This was different tho in that she was hurt and I felt terrible. Like a low down louse. However, you all have helped me put this behind and on we go to the next whatever it is.
Sid has been so nice, calm, and cooperative lately, that I feel awful if I lose my cool. But "Groundhog Day" is really getting on my nerves. Every day, he says the same thing and asks the same questions. Every day. Every Day. Every Day. I have been snapping at him lately - "You told me that yesterday and the day before. You say the same thing every day!" He doesn't even get mad at me when I snap at him, which makes me feel even worse. He just says that I have a choice. He can shut up and never talk or keep saying the same thing because he doesn't remember he said it.
I have to practice taking deep breaths and waiting before I open my mouth. He doesn't deserve to be yelled at for something that isn't his fault. (But it DOES drive me nuts!)
i dont think we have any anecdote that describes living with AD better than the 'groundhog day' quote. its so perfect. and was so like that for us too so many yrs ago. the everyday over and over asking the same questions -getting the same answers -asking again 5min later. it will drive you nuts if you dont get a grip. i somehow managed to skip one question and waited to answer it the next 5min later-because i knew it was coming again whether i answered or not:). that way answer one-skip one. haha.. instead of 500 per day you get 250 answers. :) no small feat- divvi
I have found that my husband also listens better to me if I use a stern or slightly angry tone of voice. Trying to talk nice to him does nothing. I also sometimes feel like I'm going crazy with the constant repetition of questions and instructions on how he thinks things should be done. Hello, I've made dinner for him every day for 30 years, I know how to cook!! But I felt awful the other day because I yelled quite loud to get his attention and he jumped and covered his ears and said "don't yell at me". Gosh, I felt awful.
It was years ago-I was driving at night in a strange city (I hate driving)and husband was driving me crazy. I snapped at him and he begged-please don't yell at me. I felt so terrible I never forgot it. They are so helpless.