I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. It is Part 1 of "Moving with an AD Spouse." Today's blog concentrates on the "chucking" part of moving, which can be very challenging when an AD spouse is involved. Please read the blog and post comments and suggestions/advice/tips here.
Future blogs will address other aspects of moving, but for today, I am just addressing "chucking stuff".
We moved 4 years ago from a house we had lived in for 32 years. I like to say I moved. I found the town home,engaged the Realtor,sold our home, packed, chucked, gave away. I arranged the moving people, changed the utilities, found an attorney, everything. My DH did not complain, did help with some packing. He was at a loss with what to do with his files, CD, printers, glass cutting equipment, books, floppy discs, etc. Now, he has little memory of that house. He was very compliant with the move, likes our new home and is happy here. I don't think I can do it again. It took a huge toll on me. It made me realize that from then on it was all up to me. We kept too many things we could have done without. How many times do I need my 12 settings of good china? I don't even feel like hosting holiday dinners, because I have to do the work. I realize we can make do with so much less. Also, I gave away a sofa bed I wish I had kept. Who knew? Good luck with your move Joan. Line up all the help you can get.
Any of you real-estate or lawyer guys know what happens if you move shortly before or after placement? I own our house, in my name for two years now. I know it can't be counted as part of his estate if I have to place him. But what about if I sell this house and move into a (one story) one.. now? I assume there would be no problem. But after he's placed and on medicaid? Would that carry over?
I am trying to "chuck" even without -- thank heavens -- any immediate plans for moving. Just decluttering. I've decided I need to throw some stuff away EVERY DAY. This morning I carted out a whole shopping bag of clothes I know I'll never wear again. They were still good, but they were office clothes, and I'm not going to be working in an office, ever again (well, I'm pretty sure). I'm glad I just wrote this down; this will give me the courage to throw out the rest of the office clothes (in an upstairs closet) tomorrow. Then for the books.
briegull, Maine medicaid has a "5 year look back". That means that if you sell or give away your home less than 5 years before needing to go on medicaid there is a penalty. I'm not sure of the details of the penalty, but if you no longer own the home, they can't take it. You need to ask an elderlaw attorney. This varies with the states.
We moved 7 years ago from a large home on an acre lot to a small bungalow. Even though we chucked a huge bin full of stuff at the time we still brought too much with us. Luckily we got rid of a bulky leather couch when it got stuck in the doorway of the den. We told the mover he could have it if he could get it out without damaging anything and he did! This same mover also took tables we didn't need and all sorts of things. He was happpy and so was I. My husband mourned the loss of the couch in particular. We still have not unpacked some of the boxes of stuff we brought with us and the garage is a complete woodworking shop. The thought of having to sell all that stuff that I know nothing about is a nightmare. I can't even imagine moving again and we can't afford assisted living in any case. So we will have to stay put and keep chucking so it won't be left for our only son to do one day. Anyone enjoy shredding? I find it quite therapeutic. All the best with your move, Joan.
When we moved 3 years ago from up North, I swore I would never do it again. I came up with what I thought was the perfect solution - Either move every 2-3 years, so you would always be downsizing your junk, or stay where you are until you die, and then cleaning out the junk is your kids' problem.
Well, here we are - moving 3 years later. When Joel was here in January, he looked at the garage and said that if we died in this house, he wasn't touching the stuff in the garage - he would call a junk man to remove all of it.
Yes, Inge, we also have boxes in the garage that haven't been touched in the 3 years we've lived here.
When DH was DX's in 2003, I immediately started getting of "stuff". Everytime his son or my son came - they took their stuff, their grandmothers' stuff and some of our stuff. During these years I have gone almost everything and either had a sale, donated or whatever, to get rid of it. I'm almost down to the bottom now - except I still have too many dishes (and very few dinners parties anymore). LOL
I don't have any plans at this stage to move; however, if circumstances change, I'm in a much better position to do it. And I still get rid of clothing - every summer and every winter - if we haven't worn it - it goes somewhere else to take up space.
For the 30 years I lived in my Massachusetts house, I was the designated "keeper of the dead relative's junk". I had the most room in my basement, I guess. I have just transferred that honor to my sister, who bought a GIGANTIC house about 3 years ago. Somehow, not sure how yet, I will get our great grandmother's china and portraits to her in Chicago to store.
I wish Joel and Barbara lived closer. They could use some of my extra furniture, but I can't ship it to San Francisco.
There is always too much stuff. Not only have I been cleaning out my mother's house. I have been cleaning out my husbands things that he will never use again and I will never use. He had a terrific woodworking shop in the cellar. I traded a couple pieces of equipment for a snow thrower that I can handle versus the snow blower that was way to big for me to comfortably handle. I sold the snow blower. My sister and her boyfriend bought a house and both of them are very familiar with the woodworking equipment so they will inherit a couple of items.
Some things I have given to his children if it was appropriate to them. Other stuff has gone to friends and the last group has gone to Good Will.
There is still a lot more to go through, but if I keep at it a bit at a time, I will be able to get through it all and it won't be so bad if I ever decide I need to move myself.
I used to bake cakes a lot for family events. Still have all of those pans - not sure if I will keep them yet or find a home for them.
Joan, you referring to teaching and keeping books made me laugh. We have some friends that are fulltimers. A few years ago when they were moving from the 5th wheel to the motorhome they bought, her husband went ballistic when he found boxes of kindergarten books she had stuffed in one of the storage compartments. He said something like all that weight we have been towing for books you will never use again. She surrendered them but it was painful. She had spent years collecting them to use in her classroom. He was furious but we sure got a laugh out of it.
A good thing to do with teaching resources would be to give them to new teachers or to college students planning to become teachers. It's unbelievable, as all you teachers know, how much teachers spent out of their own pockets for such things. It's especially hard for those just starting out.
My husband and I are trying to move before he gets worse. We are moving closer to his family and they are looking forward to helping us in this venture of misery. It is hard on them and they are only hearing about their brother. Pray for them when the reality hits. Anyway, it is not easy at all. My husband and youngest son who is suffering brain damage from a car wreck, both have trouble with organizing and knowing what to do. They both try real hard but they are best as laborers with someone else (me) organizing and reminding them what to do. I love them dearly but this is horrible on all of us. We are short handed, tired, confused and just plain tired. My poor husband is so confused and lost be the end of the day it is not funny. As far as chucking things, that is soooooo hard for him to do. "One day I may need this stuff again". No matter how hard we both wish that were true we both know it will never happen. But this move will get us help for both of us, a smaller house, one story house, and for once in a long time a freshly cleaned house...... There are blessings during our day also but they are usually earlier in the day when we are all fresh. Joan, I hope things are going better for you, but we are getting by by the skin of our teeth........
Nothing could be as bad as our move from up North, so I didn't think today was too bad at all. Except for the 100 degrees in the garage. We still have boxes in there, labeled from the move 3 years ago. We emptied some big ones, and then went into the air conditioned house, and spent the rest of the day shredding old bank statements and checks. Shredding and shredding and shredding. I bank online now, and have signed up for "paperless" statements, so hopefully, I'll never have to do all that shredding again.
I'm chuckling about what Joan's son Joel said--that he'd call the junk man if all the stuff were left for him to deal with.
That's exactly the kind of situation I don't want to be left in. So, in fact, I've already done that. Jeff continued collecting building materials into the years where he was losing the ability to remember what he'd obtained, or organize projects. Recently he spent a week with his sister. I called 1-800-GotJunk. They price hauling by the fraction of a truckload. Between our garage and basement they filled an entire truck. When he got home, I was in the process of "organizing the basement." He just thinks I'm a good organizer. Has no idea what has disappeared.
But, I found that when he had to watch the process of this stuff being carried out a couple months ago when one of our friends took some of the stuff, it kind of hurt his feelings, so I'm glad I had a chance to do it with him away.
After a flood a couple of years ago, I called the GotJunk people too. Three or four came out and hauled away bulky things like an old metal file cabinet, metal storage cabinet, and this little tiny guy literally broke up an old picnic table with his bare hands. It was well worth the money.
Briegull, shortly after diagnosis, I consulted with an estate attorney who set up several possible plans for us. Regarding medicaid, she was insistent that if I thought we might ever go in that direction, I should buy the biggest house I could. In Virginia at least, the house is always protected. Her thinking was to tie up as much cash as I could in the house because once we spent down, I'd only get to keep $90,000. All of the rest could be taken for dh's care.
Joan, dh and I moved avery 2 years throughout his career - same company, new projects. We had a rule that we stuck to: If the box hadn't been opened since the last move, don't even open it, just toss it. Over the years and many, many moves, all that I can think of that I lost was a carton that must have contained the letters we wrote to each other before we were married. I can remember vividly that the letters were all packed in pink and white floral box. No clue what else was in the carton along with them, but I guess it didn't matter.
The good news is that later on, when something turns up "missing" (think: ugly floral surf shorts of dh's, miscellaneous unwanted Christmas gifts that you put out only when the givers were coming to visit, noisy and obnoxious electronic toys from the children and that self-portrait from Aunt Jessie) you can shake your head in wonder and say, "We must have lost it in the move! What a shame...." :(