My husband has a daughter from a prior marriage, who has always been very difficult to get along with. She is 41, married, with a 5 and a 2-year old, lives about 45 minutes from us. She is basically a self-indulgent, angry person whose own Mom, my husband's ex, says "is not a nice person". Over the years, he and I hoped that by providing her as much guidance and good parenting as we could, giving her travel opportunities and providing a full college education, etc., perhaps we could make her a better person. It didn't work! In the 5 yrs since he stopped work and was dx'd, I've asked her for help over and over. All it has resulted in was her taking him out to lunch one time. For example, in 2008, we saw them a total of 6 times, most of those when we drove out to their house.
Several years ago, a therapist told me to end the relationship. She pointed out that it wasn't fair to the grandchildren--when my husband is out of the picture, she will refuse to let them see me, and they will lose both of us at once. She said that it's not fair to have them get hurt just because their Mom can't sustain family relationships. Well, that was hard to do--we all know how adorable grandchildren are and we love those kids. But I knew the time would come when I'd have to listen to the therapist.
So a few weeks ago, I asked her to get out her calendar and tell me when she could take DH for a weekend. She seemed wary of doing it, but she gave me a date. She then called me several nights ago and said she refuses to have him stay at her house. Her excuse was that he wouldn't be safe there (?) I tried to understand what she was talking about, but she couldn't explain it in any way that made sense. All she is willing to do is take him for a few hours, which would not be much help to me. However, it became clear that my need for respite is of no concern to her, and she launched into a discussion about how she has never liked me, that I changed her Dad when I met him (34 yrs ago) and dredged up all kinds of stuff from over the years! So in the end, I said she and the kids can come here to see him during the 20 hrs a week the aide is here, let me know in advance, I won't be here.
The next morning, I got a call from her Aunt, to try to patch things up. She said H is very upset, had called her crying (I think), etc., and can't we come to an agreement? Turns out the Aunt was the one who advised her not to take DH overnight, based on the Aunt's experience with another relative. I said that after everything that was said in the conversation, I had made a decision and am sticking to it. I also said I can't believe H was foolish enough to deliberately alienate me, that I'm not the kind of person who would say she can't see her Dad, but many would. It's interesting that a 41 year-old woman would run crying to an Aunt to try to straighten out her mess. Thing is, I would think she would be fine with seeing her Dad without me, anyway. Makes me think that she's upset because now she has cooked her own goose and knows I control the finances (inheritance flying away?????????????). What she doesn't know is, based on her bad behavior over the years, things were already set up that nothing was going to her, in any case.
People who haven't experienced this have no idea how hateful angry daughters can be, nor how painful it is. I hope that things will be better for you, as painful as it will be not to see the grandchildren.
Yes, it will be hard not to know them as they grow up. I am hoping that maybe, by some miracle, they will want to resume contact with me on their own--later on. Our son-in-law's Mom is a lovely person, and if these kids turn out ok, it will be due to her influence. She and I see eye to eye on my stepdaughter's character flaws. (Of course, for the Mom's influence to last, the marriage has to continue...but that's another story!)
unfortunately, many many of us have had to put an end to family relationships due to the lack of initiatives for help and caring attitudes. i am of the idea that if it doesnt come naturally and from the horses mouth without having to ask then i dont want it. those who want to be with the AD person will not have any issues finding time. i am also done with 'family' who havent had the time. sorry for the grandkids. they shouldnt be the ones to have to be alienated over adult issues. divvi
I finally put an end to the toxic relationships in my life, most of them relatives. And I think they probably miss me more than they ever thought they would.
I've had to put my sister out of my life after years of abusive type behaviors. Now, I have to distance myself from my daughter due to her drinking. I was so proud of her, all her accomplishments, but now I have to do what is best for my little grandsons.
MarilynMD, As if we don't have enough to deal with!!! It will be a loss for the grand kids but the last thing you need is more aggrivation. Some people can easily "divide and conquer". For me to cut someone out of my life that is abusive would be hard-but doable. Dh will not even miss her if your visits have been so infrequent. Best to end the toxicity now when you can. At some point when things get worse, at least you know where you stand with her. You won't be looking there for help. Good luck,
Susan..I understand and I have had some problems in the pass with a daughter. Things can turn around. I now have my wonderful daughter back on the right path. I did a lot of praying and prayers sometimes can be answered in unexpected ways. Hang in there and don't give up on her and give those 2 precious grandchildren a hug for me.
Oh Bama, I thought 3 yrs ago, when she lost EVERYTHING, including her 3 yr old, I thought she'd hit bottom. She lost her apt, crashed her car, Diego went into foster care, and she ended up living in someones basement until she would get through the 6 month waiting list for the court-ordered rehab. Two years of sobriety, earning her CNA and then her Medical Assistant, a move to Maine to be near us and Dylan, an absolutely adorable farmhouse apt, a new car, lots of family time support and praise all the way from a lot of good warmhearted people. She knew if she chose to drink again, she would lose Diego for good. Her ex-fiance tells us she's been drinking since she moved to Maine. She thought, huh, different state, no one would know. Surprise her 6 yr old knew and tried to save her, and she scolded him for it. I'd never give up, totally, but with her attitude of no remorse, no responsibity, I don't hold out much hope. So many times I said, If you ever get the urge, weigh it against losing Dee. We all know what she chose......
Bama--How many times,though, can you take disappointment or worse from someone? Everyone has their breaking point. Sooner or later, sometimes it's better just to say "that's it--I'm not going to take it anymore".
Divvi--"Those who want to be with the AD person will not have any issues finding time". Truer words were never spoken--it's a matter of priorities--that's what I can't seem to make her understand. She has given me every excuse in the book, including that it's my fault because I don't invite them over for dinners!
Kathryn--You are right, DH will not miss her. I have even noticed that as his disease has progressed, he has been less able to interact with the kids. He used to grab them and kiss them, throw them up in the air, etc. He has always loved little kids and was very affectionate. Now he just sits and mostly watches them playing.
Marilyn, you never had a chance with this one. When a daughter decides to be rotten to the new woman in her father's life, she can inflict great pain and there is nothing that you can do about it that won't make YOU look like the "bad" one. You're making the right decision. Enough is enough.
Marilyn, I've walked in your moccasins. F's children are approaching 3.5 years since they've seen him, they do NOT like me - and still have issues over things that happened when they were in high schoool. They are all in their late 40's up to mid 50's now. They're angry because their dad divorced their mother in the late 70's, even though they have said she was a nut case and totally to blame for their marriage breaking up. (Go figure that one out).. They've had to assume responsibility for her care...I think that's the grind here.
Stupid me tried for years and years to mend fences and tell them how much their dad loved him. All it did was make things worse. Then, as he got sick, (and no one knew it)..he tried to get them back by agreeing with all of their complaints about me..and told them more lies...because he was into that Stage 2-3. He make up outlandish stories about money he had, things he'd done..and even though he stopped, the damage was set in cement.
They'd compare our home to their mothers. Ours always was prettier. (Hey! I was working...and I was an Interior Designer!!..and I had my own furniture when we married that replaced much of his..) Then we'd build a home, and sell it 4-5 years later for a great profit (sold two of them totally furnished)..and they'd complain because we "moved too much". It's hopeless. Nothing will change it...and in a way, I'm glad that AD has sealed the deal. Now they say that they " prefer to remember him the way he was"... Sound familiar??
Hey Nancy--something you said reminded me very much of my situation. Interior design was my second career, so, our home is important to me too. When DH's daughter comes here (infrequently), I see her walking around, the wheels spinning in her head, she's adding up what she thinks everything costs! I almost hear the sound of a cash register going off! Over the years, when we've redecorated, we've given her the old things instead of sellng them--sofas, custom cabinetry, etc. A few weeks ago, she was literally complaining to me about the sofas we gave them years ago--as if to say, we should buy them new ones! My response was, well, they are 30 years old. However, I stopped short at saying maybe she should replace them by now--I knew that would leave an opening for her to ask for money, which she has done before.
Luckily for me, DH has NEVER taken her side against me. Although he loves her, he has always been disappointed in the self-centered person she turned out to be. This continues, even to today--he is quite aware that she has neglected him during his illness. It's a shame, he deserves better.
Jim's daughters's have been angry at him since the day he moved in with me. They are angry I believe because their Mother never moved on with her life and he did. They never even call to see how he is doing.
PrisR....ditto on abolishing the toxic relationships, even if they're 'family'. I've had incredibly traumatic experiences with my husbands children and his relatives since his diagnosis. They didn't seem to "get it" and initially believed his delussional behaviors and did their best to get him far away from me. They found out shortly after (upon taking him to Florida and trying to care for him there) that it was indeed as bad as I described. But, still, the relationships "tanked". I raised his children and for the life of me, I can't figure out why they had become so hateful toward me. I think it is all greed based.....although there IS no money to be had. Just 'stuff' and land. Believe it or not, not one child or relative of his has called to check on him since I found him and brought him home on May 27th this year. No Father's Day calls, nothing. Our youngest daughter has recently made contact with me and her dad, however. (but, she needs money to finish school). Hate to think that's the only reason she'd back down and make contact, but it's all I've got. So far, loving and friendly, continued sobriety. I hope that time will heal and something will happen to make relationships with your grandkids a reality. Jen
Reading your stories now, doesn't make me feel like such a looser or wierd. For a while back, I had been feeling like I was the only one with such extreme difficulties with my children, step-children and 'other' family members!! Guess I'm NOT that odd, after all.
Jen--Greed can cause people to do terrible things. Many of us have extreme difficulties with family, as you said, and I guess it's just part of life. I am thankful that the relationship with my stepdaughter is the only "toxic" one I've had in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, parents, brother, MIL, SIL and many friends.
Back in 1984 my sister-in-law died. Now you have to understand that I can't remember a time before her. She was my sister's friend before she knew my brother. And the age difference of 13+ years meant that she married my brother when I was 8 years old.
I dragged 6 people to my brother's house to make a condolence call. I didn't even know about the funeral before it happened, but could not have gotten to New York City in the 12 hours or so that I would have had if someone had told me. It was not pretty. When it was over I realized that I NEVER needed to see him again, and I never did. He certainly had no desire to have anything to do with me, so it probably was best for both of us.
The quote for this month on the Mary Engelbreit calendar in my kitchen is:
“The world is full of cactus but you don’t have to sit on it”.
I try to remind myself of this when I consider how much contact I want to have with toxic family members. It’s easier just not to make contact, than to have to pull out all the needles later.