I have a huge lump in my throat right now. I visited John this morning at the nh. Around his neck was a beaded necklace he had made during an activity session. It was quite pretty and well done but it clearly spelled out the name of his first wife. As we've been married for 33 years this came as a shock. One of the aides cheerfully asked if I had noticed the necklace. I wanted to be upbeat but what came out of my mouth was "yes and I'm devastated." Can't go any further right now. Sorry cs
cs, that hurts, I wonder exactly what was said to him when choosing what to put on the necklace. But try not to dwell on it, he has lost his way in his own history. But she's not there and you are.
CS- yes of course that hurts so very much but like jeanette reminds you are here and she is not. some call us their momma or sisters name or anyone else in their lifetimes. i was called the ex spouses name several times by 2nd husband who didnt have AD! try not to dwell on it but i know its crushing to you.divvi
Dear CS, I've posted this before...my DH has often called me by the name of his first wife. He's told his doctor and others that (______) is and always will be the greatest love of his life. He'll say "we" had 3 children, (they did, not me!).. and that they have been married for 50 years, etc.
Some have replied that I shouldn't worry about it, others have said it would have hurt their feelings too. Regardless of the disease, and their reason buttons,short term memory loss and all the AD stuff we know!!!............ wouldn't you think that they'd have our NAMES stamped in their brain in indellible ink. I understand, CS, why you were devastated. I truly understand. nancyb
cs--I'm a second wife too--can't imagine this happening, but I guess I'd better be prepared! I understand your being hurt--you are the one who is there for him now!
CS, So many of us are 2nd wives, I am, and I know I'd be devastated as well. All we know about coping, all we know about it being the disease not the person, goes right out the window and the hurt flies in.
CS, I am a second wife too. We have been married for 13 years in 2 weeks and I have had my husband call me by his first wifes name. You will never believe when he did it the first time...Our honeymoon!!!!!!!!! I am sure it won't be the last time either. It does hurt, I tried not to let on but I had to say something to him. A few days ago without any reason he told me about something that happened to him when he was 8 years old so I know that he is reversing in time quickly. So far he still remembers who I am but he has quit saying things like I love you. That hurts too, I am trying to tell myself that it is the course that things have to take but it still isn't very nice.
Mine recalls events from long ago, but thinks I was there, not the first wife, who really was. I felt sad that he'd forgotten a woman he was married to for over 50 years.
Dale Carnige wrote that the most important thing to a person is their name. It was devastating the first time he called me by his ex-wife's name, now I would be happy if he could call me anything or tell me he loved me one more time. It isn't the big things that get to me, its these "little" ones that hurt the most.
FayeBay, that warrants a complaint to the administrators. That employee certainly isn't just behaving badly to you. She ought to be fired or at least have a "training moment" with a competent supervisor.
My wife has told me that she wants to call her ex and old boy friends to let them know about her condition. After 20 years of marriage why would she want to call an old boy friend? She is in the moment and not in the past like your husband. I think we just chalk it up to this disease and it makes life difficult to take some of the things it throws at us.
((cs)) I am so sorry this happened to you. It had to have cut deeply.
I am not sure if it will help you at all? But later, I believe it will be only you he recalls. Lynn has never called me an ex's name, in fact thinks I am the only wife he ever had. Back when he did know he had children, he thought I was their mother, and they are older than me!
I am sure you are deeply hurt :( Please come back and let us know how you are. ((hugs))
I am also a second wife, and yes it does hurt when it happens. The other day, he was singing along with some 40's tunes, and substituted his first wife's name in the song. I'm sure he used to sing it to her. so I swallowed hard, and reminded myself where he is in his mind. he has also called me Mom. he thinks that I am his children't mother sometimes (they are my age), but totally forgets that he helped raise mine (who were 7 and 3 when we met 38 yrs ago. How could he have forgotten the last 38 years. It is so hurtful, but it is what is is, and the important thing is I remember, and my kids remember. We took so many trips cross country and camping. he thinks he did that traveling with his children, not with mine (who have always considered him their dad). and he has suddenly taken a dislike to my son, who would move heaven and earth for him if he could. He's suddenly jealous of him because he knows I call on him when I need him. you can imagine how hurtful that is to my son. fortunately, My DIL understands, and has put it down to a gender thing. Everything is hurtful, but it's especially bad when they hurt your children.
We've been married for 53 years, only marriage for either. This morning mine said, sweetly, now if you put these (damp) p.j. trousers in the basket in my closet, I'm sure my wife will take them down to the basement and wash them. I said *I'm* your wife. And he gave me this sweet, "I don't believe you for a minute" smile. SURE, he said, humoring me. " LOTS of people tell me they're my wife these days." "Does Andrew?" I asked, referring to the CNA. "OH NO, of course not!" Everything very jolly!
hey my lo has called her ex more than a few times,he in turn calls his son an tells him whats going on an the son then calls me,I can't get worked up about,I had 20 good years with her an she isn't the woman I married anymore so if it gives her some comfort to call her ex I say go for it
Don and I have only ever been married to each other ,he falls in love with his carers at the NH different ones regularly ,its no good feeling hurt he is indignant he isnt too old for them, and some are younger than our daughters.Its the disease he must think hes in his 20s again.I always tell him I love him when I leave and he says I love you too but I am just the one who takes him goodies now. As long as he is happy its ok by me hugs Rosie