Today's Blog is is about thinking about your life after your AD journey is over. Many are feeling very guilty about even having these thoughts. I invite you to read the Blog, and post your opinions here.
Yes I find myself thinking about life after AD. I worry about my husband hanging on too long with no brain function similar to the lady on this forum whose husband died recently and husband was basically lying in bed in a fetal position his last few years of life. Gosh, no one should have to go through that. I find myself daydreaming trying to imagine being with someone else. I sometimes can't imagine that but then there are those sometimes that I can. Then the guilt sets in. I say I shouldn't even be thinking that way. I think about being alone in our big house on 10 acres and I think about all of the work I will have to do alone.
Off the subject a little. Joan is it possible you could do your own internet radio show about these issues we face? I heard your show and you did awesome.
When my first husband died of cancer, I saw several studies that reported that when a marriage was exceptionally good and the couple had a very close and loving relationship, and then one of them dies, the surviving spouse is much more likely to get married again quickly. You become dependent upon having that kind of love in your life. So I don't see where there should be any guilt at all for daydreaming about love when your AD spouse isn't able to provide that for you any more ... I think it's natural.
Looks like I posted the right answer on the wrong thread. That is part of old age too! I know the statistics tht Sunshyne refers to, and I also know the statistics of survival after a long period of caretaking. It is almost overwhelming. dave
Yes, I used to dream about life after AD and when I did, I felt more liberated than guilty. I knew I loved my DH, but AD had killed our marriage. I was stuck in an untenable position, but I'd do it again given the same circumstances, I have no regrets about the love & care I gave him. For me, I think age had a lot to do w/feelings about remarriage. If I'd been younger, I probably would have wanted to marry again, I'd have wanted that partnership, altho suitable mates are not that easy to come by. However, at this age, I do not want to remarry. I was so restricted caring for my DH, I simply enjoy my personal freedom now. I've turned into a bit of an old lady w/her cat & dog rattling around in a big house. But someone fell into my life and he does not want to remarry either. We each have our own life. On holidays he's w/his children, I'm w/mine. We talk & fuss about politics and things, we have the same background so it's comfortable. But, for me, it's a blessing and enough. And, yet, those old feelings of wanting that partnership do creep up now and again. Sigh.
I think about it a lot. I certainly think about whether I would remarry, and I lean toward no. My personal ethics in that area would allow for a relationship of some sort, but I'm certain I don't want to do this again with another husband and I'm especially certain I don't want anyone to be in the position of having to take care of me. Whatever relationship I might find myself in, I'd be very proactive about making sure I had arrangements for assisted living or whatnot for myself if it came to that.
But I want to have fun again, and laugh with someone, and have good conversations. Or, at the very least, be by myself without feeling that there's this disappointed person who's dependent upon me to fill undefinable needs for him, which I just can't fill. All I can do is be there. It feels burdensome. I'm a bad nurturer.
I really don't know if I'd want to REMARRY, but I do know how badly I want someone to relate to on some romantic level, on a best friend level, but maintain freedom to cut the strings. My fantasy boils down to having the freedom to choose relationships while maintaining my independence.
I've read all of these posts and I thought I was the only one who wondered what my life would be like post my DH's AD. I'm not the greatest caregiver. And I would never in all my life want to go through this with someone else. Nor would I want anyone to care for me in such a state (AD), but I do feel I would miss the companionship, conversation, caring, enjoying being with someone who can carry on a conversation, laugh, exchange hugs every once in awhile. Or as Charlie Pride sang "...walking in the sand, hand in hand...". Take care!
I don't have any family. It's going to be a very lonely old age . I hadn't counted on that. For the first time in my life I wish I had had siblings or children.Even now my husband is gone and I have a little boy to look after. That too is lonely.
My husband (Gene) has been gone only about a month. I am doing good. I am not sure what direction my life will take. Part of me wants to be independent, not need a man in my life. The other part wants someone to share life with, if only part time. I will go about my life, enjoying it my way and let life take me where it will. I never want to be a caregiver or a dependent again. I soon hope to get the motorhome on the road. Close to home at first to see how I like going it alone and to make sure everything still works. Right now I am enjoying my freedom. I have not been on much as I want to take a break from AD. barbarakay
I just got home after a lovely evening with many friends at our club house. The Treasure Coast Symphony performed followed by champagne and hors-oeuvres-jumbo shrimp and too many other goodies. After too many years of hell and waiting for the next rage it was so nice to not worry and just enjoy myself. When my husband was still at home I was afraid to go anywhere with him. Of course this is not the way I wanted things-but that's the way it happened. I still hurts to see all the couples taking their relationship for granted. Didn't we all -before we encountered this hell of a disease.
I haven't been to a party at out clubhouse for a very long time. Ours is really too small for real parties, but there are a few people who organize pot lucks, and little get together that everyone is welcome to attend. But he can't handle that sort of thing anymore, so we don't go. It is one of those things that I will be doing when this is over.
Yes, I do believe there can be life after AD. It has been nearly six months since Hank died, and at the beginning I couldn't imagine what in the world I would do. I allowed myself any time I needed for grief, and am totally amazed at how I feel now. I met someone with whom I could see I would enjoy more than friendship. Of course, living in my motorhome means I drive off from all of that - but it feels good to know those feelings still exist inside of me. I can't imagine ever wanting to marry, but having a good friend is something I expect will be a part of my future. Most of the time I am happy!
After our dx I was finding my self dreaming nightly about his funeral! I would wake up crying and reach for him. My therapist suggested I write out my thoughts in my journal and the dreams stopped. Aside from that I guess it's too soon to imagine my life without him, although I haven't had the man I married around for a very long time. Too sad, not fair, and I HATE the unknown. I am a planner and not even knowing what the next hour will bring is going to take a whole lot of help. So glad I have you all.
bluedaze, Re your comment about seeing couples taking their relationship for granted--didn't we all... I have made exactly the same observations. I listen to wives whine and complain about their husbands (which I never had reason to do) and think--if you only knew how small those things are in the scheme of things.