Just wondering what you all do when you are so down in the dumps........no family, no friends to speak of........I'm alone AND lonely. And, I think I'm angry, too. Does that make sense? My house is a mess and there is no one around to take Scott while I try to undo the mess he has created. (he enjoys stacking things or putting everything on one wall with duct tape) I feel as if my life becomes any more confusing, I will go off the deep end.----I know that a short respite isn't really the answer. I need a long one! Sounds selfish, but I haven't done a thing without my husband for over 2 years now. Not one thing. He used to be excited to go to the grocery store with me, as confusing as it was, but now he doesn't want to go. So, if he doesn't go, I can't go.
Do your spouses remember all of their ailments, but can't recall that you have a broken knee and hip.........even when they saw you fall and you have had a cast or PT since January? Do they not comprehend that you might have to take a short nap following a tooth extraction especially when that tooth has an abscess? How about that we, as caregivers, actually get sick now and then too! ---The only thing my husband is concerned about is that if he actually remembers that something has happened to me---that perhaps he'll catch it. Heaven forbid, we here of the swine flu and someone coughs!
Sorry to go on and on here..........I know you all go through this too, but our spouses function in different ways. I never hear I love you, or get a hug or kiss. That's okay...hasn't happened in 10 years anyway. Sometimes I do wonder why and the world I stay. I'm not young, by any means, but I didn't expect this at 52 (he's 62). I know that none of us planned this (unless you talk to my BIL and he'll tell you that I caused it)----
Okay, enough of my pity party.........I'll come out of it soon..... But what do YOU do?
Dearest Ann, I do just what you are doing. I wallow around in the self pity and sometimes I get angry, confused, resentful, etc. Yes, we seem to always come "out of it" -- after all we are the caretakers, but don't you get so desperately tired of it all? Don't you long for somebody to step in and make it all go away? Some magical resolution to the entire situation?? I know I do and sometimes I am just so desperately desperate!!
Boy, what a downer I am to be up late responding to your bad day -- but if I was only 52, and if DH was only 62, and if we were fairly early on in this, and if I could muster the courage to do so, I would leave....
What do I do? WHAT DO I DO? I do exactly what you are doing now. I come here and reach out to others that are trying to cope with the same things. I am 52 also and my husband is 71. I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same way just 2 days ago and even though the problems are still with me I do feel better now because I can come here I know that someone will understand. Even if they can't physically help me I have been getting help. My doctor wants to put me on Zoloft and at first I didn't think I needed it but now I think it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Take as much help as you can get. If you need to go shopping there may be an organization in your town called comfort keepers or something similar to that. They are there to help(covered by medicare) The biggest thing that you can do for yourself and your DH is to get out of the house ocassionally to take care of yourself, if you can't do that try to find something in the house that can help you to take care of you. I am sure that what you are finding is that you can't take care of him if you do not take care of yourself too. That is very important.
One of the things I do in the apartment that is just for myself is talking to people on the computer. Then the other thing I do is knit or read. Yes, in order to do those things I have to stay up kind of late but if I don't do them I pay for it later and I can tell when I have deprived myself of this time.
Is there anything that you can do that would distract you even for a few minutes like this? It is not going to take the things away that you are having to deal with and you are still going to have days when you think you are going to lose it but without these things you can do for yourself it can be a lot worse. Believe it or not I think it could be a lot worse. Don't wait until that happens in order to help yourself.
It sounds weird but the caregiver really should come first or there isn't anything else left. Just think I still lost it 2 days ago, maybe I should listen more to my own messages!! ha ha
Ann, let us know how things are going, keep reading others messages because you will learn a lot just doing that. This is a place where every single person here knows what you are going through and we are all here to help one another.
The key to what Deb said is THE CAREGIVER MUST TAKE CARE OF him/herself. Connect with your Area agency on Ageing. If they can't help directly, they are a good source of information. Get some in-home help--lighten the burden. Maybe they can't help with your LO but if they take care of dishes, cleaning, and laundry--those are off your plate. Get a sitter or use a Day Program, so you can get out once in a while. And find those things you can do at home--read,knit, crochet, jigsaw puzzles, model assembly. Come here and vent. If you need meds to help you, get them, and take them. We are in a war and we have to use every possible means at our disposal to fight it. If we don't it not only can get worse for us--it will. I've made those mistakes, and have had to fight off depression while still fighting the war. I learned. There will be good days and rotten days. it's always been that way, just now the strength of the good days isn't as strong and the rottenness of bad days is worse. We have to make ourselves strong enough to handle that and keep ourselves strong.
Ann, I am so sorry to hear what a rough time you're having. How awful your bil sounds. He should be ashamed of himself (probably he's just ignorant?). Hang in there and try to find a way to get out of the house, we're all with you And keep posting. (((Hugs)))
Oh Ann, I am so sorry to hear things have gotten so bad for you. Try calling the Elder Services Organization in your area. Also the Alz Chapter they ususally have some good advice on getting some in home help, so that you can get out. Home Health Aides will help with Cleaning the house too! We are your ages, I'm 53 and Jim is 62. He has slowly been declining for 10 yrs. He has FTD and is in the hospital awaiting placement. Have you tried a Geriatric Psychiatrist? They are also a good source of info. As for Pity Parties, I have one at least once a day! That's what we are all here for, we'll either join you or boost you up. Hang in their you are part of OUR FAMILY and a much needed FRIEND. The "outsiders" tend to disappear when they don't understand what we are going through. Keep posting, we'll be here for ya. Arms around, S
And yes, all of us need respite, both short and long. I, also, haven't done much without my husband. Going to the library alone for half an hour is about it. Actually going shopping alone is impossible. I think I managed an hour of Christmas shopping last December.