I feel like one half of a set of bookends and all the books are falling off the other end of the shelf into a huge messy pile.
I miss him coming up behind me when I did the dishes and wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck. I miss him calling me "Princess" and always making me feel like one. I miss getting in the Ford F150 and driving to the river and telling people "That damn truck. We got in it and the damn thing drug us to the river again." I will forever miss the twinkle in those blue/gray eyes every time he smiled. He could light up the whole room with his smile and his laugh. I miss knowing he was the only one for me and thinking we would always be together. Even though we were getting old, we could always look at each other with young eyes and remember. I miss him covering me up every time I kicked off the blankets. I miss him driving past a pile of something and saying "I'd like to have that" and me saying "all of it or some of it?" and him saying "all of it" and me saying "where would you put it all?" I miss the anticipation and the excitement when I knew he would be home from work soon. I miss how stupid he could be when it came to old cars or any cars. I miss his channel surfing looking for golf, the history channel, animal planet. I miss him watching America's Funniest Videos and laughing and laughing over people hurting themselves in some really stupid way.
How does one condense the loss of Thebes love of your life.... The 14 yrs old you first dated back in 1958 when you were 16...She's gone now to her own never never land lost to all. The mother of your children having no idea who they or her grandchildren are; a concept one could not conceive possible not that long ago. To accept that there will never again be a flicker of recognition let alone a caress or word of affection is painful. Just thinking of what I miss the most is a speed ticket into the bottomless pit of depression. I'll focus on all we had -----a great life mutually mentoring each other, two wonderful daughters, both happily married, successful in their chosen careers, one a global VP of Sales, the other the Mayor of a suburban Metro area city. A grand son who is being woo'ed with scholarships by Ivy League schools (soccer is young brother, pulling a straight A's and is the only white basketball player named to his state's- Div A all star team as- freshman. Two grad daughters one a 9th grader 3'97 GPS class ranking #2 spending the summer taking classes at Columbia univ and volunteering at Columbia Prys. Hospital her goal to be a surgeon.Her younger sister - 3.7 report card taking cello class with NY Phil. and has played with them. Sons in law successful biz me call daily mostly for advice which I find flattering a hell. Dw's brothers remain close friends and confidants
I truly remain in love and devoted to DW, but I am not prepared to surrender what remains of my life and become la quivering mass of self of pity with woe is me philosophy. it's a con drum, not easy but bar petter than the alternate total dispair
Poets have tried for eternity to define love and lost lovL. I'll just say to list the emotional loses, are far beyond my capability. I've got a formula that keep DW smiling and keeps ne, for the most part free of depression, old adage " if it ain't broke don'tbfix it's late forgive the typos
Jang: You said you wondered how I'm doing. We must have joined this website at around the same time, in 2009. We're still here. We've had a lot of changes in our lives since I was first here, although your husband isn't here and mine is, at least in body, if not always in mind. All in all, I guess it could be worse. Meds have helped very much in calming him down and he is cooperative, although I've noticed a little irritation with me at times. I must help him with almost everything. I shower him and pick out his clothes, brush his hair and have to stand by to show him how to take out his dentures and clean them. He is able to go to the bathroom by himself but we do have some issues with this.
The most difficult thing is watching him lose the memory of his children and his grandchildren. He remembers the youngest but the older ones are slipping away. This, I don't understand. He doesn't remember how long we've been married, and when I tell him he can't believe it. Also, the age of his oldest child is unbelievable to him as well. When he sees them, he remembers them, at least I think he does. He cannot follow a conversation, TV shows, especially a movie, and gets frustrated and just wants to lie in bed. He doesn't want to go anywhere and is happy when he asks if we're doing anything today and I say "no."
I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I get upset when the same questions are asked over and over. I get upset that I'm unable to go where I want when I want, and the future is beginning to look a little bleaker for me. I hope when this is over I'm able to do some of the things I want to do now. For the most part though, I'm getting through this pretty well. I've surprised myself in many ways. I find I have more patience than I ever thought possible. I can take care of anything. I am worried how I will react if he gets angry and aggressive again.. That, I know I won't be able to handle. If that time comes, I'll know its time for him to go away.
And, I hope I can be like Marty, always trying to focus on the positive things in our lives. I try. Most of the time I'm successful, some of the time I want to scream as loud as I can.
The other evening I had company for dinner, the first time since I placed my DH.When they left and I started to clean up and do dishes,I realized mu DH wasn't here to help me. This would always be something we would do together,I wash,he would dry(no dishwasher). We would talk about how the evening went.It hit me hard that this would never be the same again,I think I missed him more over this simple thing then I Realized. I guess it's the little things that bring on the good memories.
(This may sound selfish, but) I miss my husband going to work and me having time to myself. I retired a year before he did and absolutely loved having free time to do things. I miss him driving and me being able to relax and enjoy a trip. I miss being able reminisce about the early years of our marriage and other things we've shared over the last 50 years - his long term memory is mostly gone, too. I miss being able to worship together on Sundays. He goes to church but can't grasp anything that is being said or going on.