May I say.... I miss his crooked teeth and his crooked grin. I miss how people percieved him when he was a practicing Ob-Gyn. NEVER the three-piece suit type of M.D., just looked like a regular guy. During his practice, I miss filling out those "healthcare provider" satisfaction forms that were provided for the patients. I'd take a couple each time I'd visit and make comments like "nice, warm hands" and "Is he in a relationship?" (annonymously) on them. At weekly meetings, the management would read these 'patients' comments out loud! SOOOOO funny seeing how red he'd get! I miss how he would brag about my artistic accomplishments.
I miss him handling the "delivery" of each of the foals our mares presented us with. He actually resussitated the last one he delivered....breathed for it, cleared it's airways, etc. Just like a human baby, and saved its precious little life. He missed out on the last one. I miss our conversations, dancing, how he introduced me as his "trophy wife" at parties and it made me blush. I miss being 'taken care of', the (false) feeling of security (financial and otherwise) I enjoyed. I miss being able to say "yes" without hesitation when someone I know is in need.
I miss eating bowls of Breyer's Natural Mint Chocolate Chip icecream in bed every night together. I miss sharing a glass of wine on the front porch while watching the sun settle into the west behind the hills. I miss him helping in the gardens and with large landscaping projects. My farm IS called "StoneCrop PARK". Then, I just missed him being able to walk out the door and sit and watch me work. I miss someone to sit with me in the calm of the barn and enjoy all the sounds . I miss his pride in me and our horses when we went to competition. I miss cooking like I'm feeding Lee's army!! (Southern cooks do that). I miss planning and decorating for Christmas. I miss anniversaries, birthdays, calls from family.
This has been very hard for me to inventory and write down. I'm sure there are several here like me, who didn't enjoy a happy marriage made in heaven. I really have more UNhappy memories than sweet ones, so I've had to dig. But, I've proved to myself that yes, there were some good moments and happy times. Thanks for starting this thread.
I miss being able to have a simple discussion without being yelled at. he's not far along in the disease, but I just asked if he wanted a coupon for the pizza he's going to call and order and he screamed that he had to go to the bathroom first. I'm so tired of this and so lonely, and we've only just begun. I'm crying and he has no idea why and yelled again.
I miss everything about our life before this horrible disease took over. I miss him always taking care of me. I miss having nice conversations with him.
What do I miss? I miss everything you have already mentioned - but more than anything I miss having some to talk to, and I miss seeing his dynamic SMILE! If he could only talk to me it would make this horrific Alz. journey so much easier. His silence is almost unbearable at times. I know he wants to speak, and he tries to speak - nothing comes out but a whisper of nothing. I see less and less of his smile, and I know that all to soon that too will be gone - never to return. I am now on nine and a half years of this "Long Good-Bye" and I pray it will soon end. No one should ever have to endure this, much less watch your spouse have to endure this struggle. I miss the "us", the "we". I miss him knowing who I am, or who I was - but I know who he is and who he was - and that is what is important. We are still in this together, and together we will remain today, tomorrow and always.
I miss knowing there was some "control" present in my life, even if it were imagined...as seemed to be in my case. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time in handling our affairs, trying to untangle the messes (financial and otherwise) that the family created in trying to force a divorce between us, at his most vulnerable times (when he was delussional). I have to depend on lawyers who are never available when I need them. I miss the freedom I once felt. I miss the feeling of hope another day might bring. I miss a relationship. I scream all alone in the house sometimes or in the barn and no one can hear....out of lonliness. I can't even go see a movie, go out to eat, go see a concert....I worry about every dollar. I miss being single and 20-something with the world by the tail.
I miss waking up in the morning with hope. I miss starting a sentence and having him finish it. I miss taking trips and writing together in our trip diaries. (We started writing in 1987 and stopped around 3 years ago when he just could not write coherent sentences and paragraphs). I miss looking for new recipes and preparing meals together. I miss getting silly romantic cards and notes. I miss hiking trips. I miss cruises. I miss my partner. I miss my soulmate. I miss having fun.
I miss having someone to care about me. I took a bad fall almost 4 weeks ago. Hit my head a terrible blow. My friend came over to drive me to the ER for a CT scan. I asked him if he wanted to go with me for moral support. He said he didn't think so. Thought he'd just stay home. That made me feel kind of sad. When I got home, he didn't even ask how I was. He just wanted to know when I'd have dinner ready.
I really felt 'unloved.' I suppose it's silly, but that's the way I felt. And, then I think about all the care I've sent his way....but, whatcha gonna do???
former soulmate, I think you are new here. Welcome to this wonderful site.
Mawzy, I agree. I wish there was someone here to care about what happens to me. When I had my gall bladder attack and was in horrible pain, all he wanted to know was what was for dinner. I have found that the world revolves around him in his mind.
Welcome Former Soulmate, I am sorry for your need to come to this family, however, I am sure you will be glad you found us. As Bluedaze said, tell us about yourself. My husband is 58 years old with Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD) started having memory problems at age 50, however, after many test there wasn't a diagnoses until last July. Again, Welcome.
Welcome Former Soulmate, sorry that you needed to find us but am so very grateful that you did. You will find yourself wrapped in love and support no matter what. Feel free to tell us your story when YOU are ready. We wil be here.
In true feminist fashion, I always felt that I should be able to make the decisions, but now that it is my job, I find that I don't like it at all--I don't like taking the responsibility. I want to feel protected and taken care of.
I miss waking in the middle of the night and not having someone to snuggle up against I miss waking in the middle of the night and not having someone to share my worries with I miss waking in the middle of the night and not having someone to kiss my fears away
Lori and SusanL say it best for me. Also, I miss someone who will sit up and look me in the eyes. I miss conversations. I miss a man that was so fastidious about his grooming and appearance. I miss a man that smells good and looks clean. I miss someone who will tell me not to worry, even if I know it's not true. I miss having a go-fer...a messenger. (I miss him standing at the gate, wiping down my boots and giving me words of encouragement as I enter the show ring in those days) I miss the smell of a man. I miss not having to do absolutely everything by myself.
To All of you Nice People: Now I'm going to be brave (or stupid) and write what I wanted to before I decided to try to sound intelligent. Anyhow, Here goes.
Your have just made me sad by reminding me of all that I am missing in life like you are. Now, I'm going to have to find a way to forgive you for doing that.
Please disregard this and only refer to my posting above.
Dean, if you want to stay upbeat you have to choose carefully which threads you read. (I can't do it, I have to read them all, especially this one although I haven't felt ready to post here.)
Dean, I have skimmed over this thread because for the most part, I don't have much of that to miss. Art never has been good at sharing his feelings with me nor I with him. When I tried with him, he was typical man and thought he had to fix it. The last few years we have been parked off and on at my sister's house and he will share with her which really irritates me. Like you, I should probably skipped this thread, but like Jeanette I give each thread a chance.
Perhaps looking at this thread from another angle, at least for many of us, it's a downer at what we miss, but the upside is we had all these things and we carry the memory of them still in our hearts. Some are not so lucky.
Carosi, you have an wonderful way of turning thing from negative to positive, thank you for sharing that gift.
I miss my friends who used to be there for me, always I miss my walking into a party on his arm and feeling like the luckiest lady in the room I miss watching our wedding video together on our anniversary I miss going out to dinner and holding hand across the table I miss our picnics on our rock overlooking the ocean I miss collecting sea glass together I miss giggling over our first date and how it lasted 12 hrs and how I called my girlfriends from the ladies room every hr I miss being half of a couple I miss him next to me in church I miss his lousy taste in tv shows (military channel) I miss him
Thank You Susan L for bringing this to the top for me.
I, too, miss being able to say things without fear of verbal retribution.
I miss his tender touch. I miss his tender smile. I miss his tender, yet humble confidence. I miss his treating his kids with respect. I miss his being able to stay awake and spend time with me. I miss the time we used to spend time together. I miss being 'the one'. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I miss us.
This is the first time I've read this thread. I can't believe the way you've all captured what it means to be "married," especially SusanL. I feel all of these things. It's difficult keeping the tears away. I'm not living with the man I married and I miss him so. I never thought I would, because some of the things he did made me crazy, and now that I'm living the life I am I want even the crazy things back. I don't like having all the burden on me. I don't like having him here and yet feeling so alone. I don't like spending whole days going over "paperwork." I don't like days that are spent the same way over and over and over. I miss having something to look forward to. I miss planning for our trips, even just the weekend ones. Now I know we will never be able to take that dream trip to Egypt that I've wanted for so long. I'm making sure my daughters don't put off their dreams until later, because what if later never comes? But, I'm grateful for what we did have. Our lives have otherwise been blessed. But, I'm scared of what lies ahead, I'm so very, very afraid...
I miss my best friend, my confidante, my sounding board. I miss excursions and explorations of new places, new foods, and new ideas. I miss finger clingers (when we think the same thought at the same time). I miss his cooking, his conversation, his wry sense of humor. I miss his help in doing projects around the house. I miss visits to my father, who is in a NH too far away for us to visit now that DH doesn't travel well.
My fears - I fear that looking after DH will kill me before the AD devil is finished with him, just as my mother's care giving for father killed her before LBD is finished with him. Every time I forget something, or get sidetracked from what I was doing, I fear that I have AD too.
I just picked up on this thread. I wonder how Bev is doing. Her post reminded me of how we were doing in 2009. bqd, you are not alone in being afraid you have AD too. I would guess that a huge number of us worries about that too. Whenever I can't retrieve a word I want, I panic. I think it is one of the things that coping with AD has left us.
I was worrying about getting dementia this morning. Then I thought about the new PIN the bank gave me for my ATM card and realized I could remember it, so I guess I'm OK for now.
I'm glad to hear I am not alone in my fears of dementia. I guess as caregivers we are so closely attuned to all the signs and symptoms, as we watch our LO's on their journey, that we just jump to that conclusion, every time we see the smallest sign in ourselves. But I suspect that the stress we are under, and the multitasking we must undertake to get through our days are responsible for some of our less than clear thinking. That doesn't mean I don't still fear it though. Marsh, I'm glad you could remember your new PIN :-)
Just a fact to help ease your mind...when you go through, gone through menopause you lose nouns. So if you forget what something is called it's the menopause.... I plan to keep using this fact for the rest of my life. :D
I was looking back at all the name with * beside them. I remember when I first came here and met all these people and none of them had *. So many loses.
Emotionally, for some reason, I have a hard time remembering the "old Dado". Maybe it is the antidepressant I am taking. I do know what he DID, that I miss, but I have a hard time remembering his PERSONALITY. Obviously this will pass, it is a weird phase.
I'm the same way Coco. I have had a hard time remembering the old DH. I have been talking to a long time friend of DH on fb lately. We made contact when DH father passed and the friend called to talk to DH about it. He did not know what was going on. They have been friends from 2nd grade on. But from time to time would lose contact. Well he has been telling me stories about himself and DH and it is just so uplifting. He only knows DH the way he was. Not like he is now. Brings tears to my eyes every time we talk.
I get flashes of past memories of DH. But mostly all I see is how he is now. And let me tell you. I have seen things no spouse should ever see, felt feelings that no spouse should ever feel and thought, thoughts that no spouse should ever think.
Coco, Blue, Amber.....I've had the * behind my name for four years now. I know y'all have your DH's still with you but as times goes by, you will remember the good times and forget the bad times. It took me about two years to forget the horrible 7-8 years. Now I remember the good nearly 39 years we had together and can't remember the bad times. It's like a veil has dropped over those years.
My prayers are with all of you who are still going thru this horrible journey.
I miss our conversations I miss planning camping trips I miss his bringing me a flower even if he picked it from our own yard I miss his little notes I miss the night time stories he would read I miss the back scratches I miss watching TV in bed together I miss his help with the cars and the yard and other household Manly chores I miss his wise advice I miss the strong man he once was
I ma grateful he is still with me I am grateful for the twinkle in his eye I am grateful for the wit he had and his " smart remarks" that are so funny I am grateful for the expression of amusement the kitties give him when they chase and play, I am grateful when he eats a meal without saying " it's too much" I am grateful for the "I love you" he can still say I am grateful that he still knows who I am
The grateful comments tug at my heartstrings Mimi. I no longer dwell on all that's been lost. I have come to terms with it, it still hurts deeply but I have moved on. Now I live my life in gratitude, for what he can still do, for what we do still have. Thank you for the beautiful reminders ♥
This topic is one I feel deeply . It's usually too painful to think about. But, the losses are always there.
I miss our life before AD shattered it! I miss having dreams of the future with my DH. I miss the sparkle of his smile. I miss the way I felt when I looked at him. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the spring in his step. I miss the way I could depend on him to do anything for me. I miss enjoying all our moments together. I miss his spontaneity and excitement over planning a trip or daily plans. I miss being able to tell him things. I miss his energizer rabbit personality. No one ,including me, could keep up with him. I miss his independence. I miss my freedom . I miss starting the day without the heavy weight of AD on my mind. I miss my motivation and excitement for each day. I miss sleeping in his arms . I miss our romance.
What I fear?. Soo much. Too many worries . Can't allow myself to list them now ! Too painful to think about.
Thank you Redbud for giving me hope that I will someday forget the really sad, bad times in dh's last years. I miss thinking of a place we hadn't been and making plans to go there. I miss our fall camping trips to his alma mater and attending the football games there. I miss going to the beach in the winter and watching the waves, walking on the beach and picking up shells. I miss the neat yard he kept, the garden veggies he was so proud to grow, the woodworking he loved to do. I miss my best friend and confidant I miss discussing finances. I miss sharing concerns about what our adult children have "decided to do now" I miss him when I stand at the kitchen sink and remember how he would stand close behind and whisper "guess who". I will always miss him even when days become easier and the hurt is not so fresh.