Joan's blog today hit home. I will give one complicated answer to a question and the second time it is asked the answer is revised to as few words as I can use to give the same answer. It 's become a game of wits.
Isn't it amazing how we have to keep relearning some lessons as we navigate the AD journey? We KNOW the reason button is broken, but we keep responding as if it weren't. Just one more aspect of the frustration of dealing with the disease.
I think this is a major problem to most of us. It probably starts with the fact that this is the person we have spent years taliking to. It is so hard to even lie to keep the problem under control. I try so hard to tell her some of what is coming up but she understands so little that it may be wrong. She also gets angry when she realizes that she does not remember anybnody ever telling her something important. "NOBODY TOLD ME is probably the biggest starting point of angry actions by her and me too. I pray for patience (right now!!!!!!) We need a sure fire answer.
billeld, last night our bucket with the dog bones ran out. DH told me that I needed to get the two dogs some more. I told him that I had bought two bags last payday and there was one bag left. He told me that "no one told him" that they bought dog bones. I told him that I bought two bags when I got his new socks and that he knew that I did. He told me that we must have used them all as there was not a sack on the shelf. I went back and got the sack of bones and he was really surprised. Lately, I just tell him mater of factly that He did know or That I did tell him and that satisfyes him. Several months back, it would have caused a big fight. I think that he knows that he doesn't retain everything that I tell him.
DH probably has FTD with the mood, reasoning button, and personality part affected. We are undiagnosed. I have noticed signs for may be up to ten years. About 1 1/2 years ago, I did searches and figured out what is was. We are probably in stage three or so. Up until very recently, his memory has been sharp as a tack. Short term memory is just recently showing a problem, which is normal for FTD.
Sometimes you just have to laugh. I mean really laugh. I absoltuely swear this happened tonight. There is no way I could make up this stuff. I walked into the den. Sid was sitting with his laptop. He had just read this blog to which this thread refers. And he said to me - "What are talking about in this blog? This never happened. I don't remember any of this ever happening. Now you're making things up to write." I looked at him, and burst out laughing. There was nothing else I could do. I wasn't being mean; I just couldn't do anything but laugh. He looked at me and shook his head, and laughed a little himself. He was a bit upset that he had a total blank out, but by now, I'm sure he's forgotten that too.
Let's face it - if I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying.
Following this thread, I wanted to tell you all my technique for handling this very frustrating situation but thought it would be taken as mean. Reading Joan's bit...especially the last sentence "if I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying", I figr'd what they heck. It is MY coping mechanism and it sure worked for me. BAck when I could take DH places and she would still talk, whenever we were getting ready to go somewhere it was the usual routine. "where are we going, why are we going there, what time does it start". 10 minutes later, all over again. I've NEVER been accused of being patient and I hate being late. I realized how much the repeated questions were getting to me so chose to do something different - a different answer every time. 11:30a "where are we going?" To the movies. "Oh, OK" (actual plan) 11:45a "what time do we have to be there?" 6p "OK" (actual time) 12 noon "Where are going going?" Grocery shopping. "OH, OK" 12:15p "What time do we have to be there?" 4p "OK" 12:30p "Where are we going again?" I have to go to the junk yard to get some car parts. "Oh, OK" 1:00p "what time do we have to leave?" We need to leave by 2:00p to get there before they close. "OK" 1:30p "Where do we have to go?" We are going to visit your sister in L.A. (2 days away) "Oh, OK" 1:45p "Aren't we supposed to go somewhere?" Yep, going to dinner with some friends. "Oh, ok" 2:00p "What time do we have to be there?" We're meeting them at 12 noon. "Oh, OK". ON, and on, and on, and on. Mean? Well, it obviously didn't matter to her but provided me with a little humor. It also provided me with an all day reminder of how poorly she was functioning, which helped me be more patient rather than getting mad at her for asking the same Q's over and over. Thenneck
Don't tell anyone, but I've been known to use Joan's method to KISS (keep it simple, stupid) on people who don't have AD. If I can satisfy someon'e query w/a short response everyone is happy, sometimes a lengthly explanation is just too much effort.
Yes indeed..Simple is so much better..IF I can be fast enough to say it RIGHT. So help me, I think i'm getting this stuff too. The 'effort' to make conversation in normal circumstances is becoming more of an effort. yikes.
Re: Judy's "normal conversation" comment. I spent so many years simplifying information for my language disabled students and clients that it became second nature to me. Then I switched to doing it for Sid. When my sister came to visit us in Florida a couple of years ago, I sent her directions on how get here from the airport. When she read them, she said to me - "You've been at this job too long. You didn't have to write EVERY SINGLE DIRECTION. We pretty much know that we have to stop at a red light. We know to look both ways back and forth before crossing at 4 way stop sign." Whoops. Sorry. Force of habit.
Concerning the blog, yesterday, when he asked a question about something complicated, I stopped and talked to myself first - "Don't explain everything. Keep it simple. Keep it simple," I said in my head. So when the words came out of my mouth, they were short and simple.
Alright, Joan. Now you've got me laughing out loud about you writing down for your sister to stop at red lights and look both ways before crossing intersections.
I'd say your conversation with Sid about your blog was definitely an "alrighty, then" moment.
Thenneck, good to see you posting and I really like the way you deal with the problem. Good solution.