I know my DH won't remember most of what I tell him but I still tell him things and get irritated when he asks again. Yesterday I told him we would load the things in the car on Sunday for the UMW yard sale. Lastnight I told him I would be going to the store today. This morning I got ready to go the store and he asked if I was going today. I wanted to say "No, I got cleaned up to sit here all day." I have stuff for the yard sale in my bedroom and he asked when we were going to load the car!!!! I have GOT to stop telling him anything that has a time on it.
I had gotten better at that for awhile. I stopped getting aggravated when every morning, he would ask what we were doing that day (even though I had told him every day for 3 days prior, AND the night before). It's one of those things you just have to let go.
But every time I get better at something, something else crops up that is even more annoying. Now he has to know every single detail of every single thing we are doing - when, where, how, who, what. I tell him, and an hour later he's back with the same questions. I know he can't help it, but it's driving me up a wall.
"why do I do this" ? For me I think it was habit. I know in the earlier stages I kept doing the same thing because it was normal to want to share every aspect of my life with him. Even when I knew he could no longer retain the information, I still had this need to share with him. Even when it aggravated the dickens out of me, I still felt compelled to TRY to converse with him. Maybe that is denial? Or maybe it is just that some things are harder to let go.
Every stage of this disease brings its own devastation. On reflection, I have to say the earlier stages were much harder in this respect. The repeating yourself until you were blue in the face, your patience is pushed to the wall 24/7. In the later stages this will not bother you. At least it didn't me. He could ask me the same question a hundred times a day and I could always answer calmly and sweetly. Almost like I was on auto pilot.
Now that we are in early stage 7, l look back on the things that just drove me nuts before and wish we could go back!!! But while I was living it, I just wanted it over! Don't rush it, and as hard as it is- try to remember, that one day...these will be the good ol days.
I suppose I am lucky, in that my DW is basically non-communicative, so there just isn't any conversation there at all. However, I do know how you all feel because her mother had AD and when we would visit her, she would ask just about every minute we were there "Is that your wheelchair?". It used to drive be batty, but I knew we would be leaving in a little while, so I could contain myself.
I know I should brush these things off but now and then I just get tee'd off! I go tomorrow for my bone density test and he has asked what time we will leave. I told him 9.45 but I know he will ask more than once between now and then. Maybe I will stay cool calm and collected. Do you think that is possible for a redhead? lol
From one redhead to another, yes it is... with lots of practice and the grace of God *wink
((Jean)) You had a good idea in your first post "I have GOT to stop telling him anything that has a time on it."
I learned to not tell Lynn about any plan. You will be amazed how much frustration you save yourself. I often didn't even tell him where we were really going when we got in the car. I would say something like, oh I thought we would go get a cup of coffee and a doughnut! Always bright in attitude. It did wonders for his attitude. I would only tell him what we were doing once we arrived at our destination.
me too i think a more generic response is a better way -instead of a time frame just say tomorrow morning- or after i get up and dressed. they do tend to recount every little detail that can drive you up the walls over the over. my DH used to carry a pen/sticky pad and write everything on a post it and stick it around the house to remind himself. they were everywhere but it kept him reading all day.:) like nikki says it becomes autopilot. in the next years you will see it doesnt bother you and you grow to just in one ear and out the other :) your senses finally become 'dulled' and what bothered you so much will not. unfortunately, like joan says. another annoyance will crop up and take its place soon enough you conquer the smaller ones. divvi
I can relate to this thread. We're still in early stages and I try to remember that some day I will wish to have this time back but.....when you tell you spouse there is an appointment at 10:30 tomorrow morning and he gets up at 4:30am to get ready you learn to wait until the last minute to give out information.
It always amazes me that they all have the exact same symptoms/habits. I have learned not to even mutter to myself about where I'm going as it creates the problem mentioned above every time. First thing every morning G gets the calendar out and goes thru in detail what is on it for the week....every morning for the week. I just shut my ears to it now. I do make a clear list of approximate times and locations where I will be when I am out of the house. This does seem to comfort him, and he knows I can be reached by cell.
This thread is evoking many memories of days gone by, some bad, some funny, and some.. how did I ever make it? lol
I am recalling back a few years ago when Lynn was still able to be home by himself for a couple of hours. He was able to, but didn't like it one bit. At that stage he was very clingy. A dear friend was in town and I wanted to go to a movie. Nothing extravagant. I hadn't been out without Lynn for well over 6 months. My sister was nearby and checked on him so I was able to shut my cell phone off. When I got out of the movie, I turned the phone back on to find...... 15 messages and 34 missed calls! Funny now.... then? not so much! *wink
Even with a sitter here I leave him a note so he will know where I am going. He reads it often and only asks the sitter a few times about where I am. Also, I never tell him if we are going anywhere until the last minute and never tell him when one of the children are coming. Sad that we have to do this.
Same as Bama, when the aide is here I leave a note that I'm going to work out and will be back at 2. I don't work out every day, but that's the only place he doesn't want to accompany me. Sometimes I have on a skirt and sandals, and he never questions why I'm wearing that to work out!
oh yeah, the peeping and shadowing while in the bath or bathroom was the icebreaker for me too. its like being in a voyeristic movie. haha! oh and lets not forget my DH got to the point he watched me with BINOCULARS while i did anything, bath, housecleaning etc. even watched tv with binocs at nite. very strange indeed. now the good thing is today many yrs later, (it does take a while) DH smiles and gives me hugs/kisses when i leave and never asks where i am going and is so easy to care for considering those earlier times!. divvi
Joan, I can remember when we enjoyed sharing the bathroom (and bedroom and every other room in the house) and we knew each other's bodies as well as our own (after almost 47 years), and I have no embarassment nor need for privacy from him, so it doesn't bother me. Besides, he's just a toddler in a 6 foot body now. Maybe I'm the oddball.........
I have the opposite problem. If we have to leave the house at 9AM, he thinks he can get up at 8:15. I have to get him up at 7. It takes him forever to get ready. His "move it" button is on autopilot slow, and it is stuck there.
My DW will try to figure out what we're doing for the day by watching and listening to my actions and will finally ask. And then, of course, she will ask over and over even while we are on our way.
I'll tell her what I'm doing, working on projects, etc. just because I need to talk to someone, even though she won't understand what I'm talking about or remember it anyway.
I have been going through these "repeats" for several years and it does sometimes get very aggravating. I have come up with a little gimmick that helps in some of the cases. I have a digital camera and a printer that I use to take picture of similer things for the ice box.----- like our children, grandkids, grocerhy store, excercise room, walmart, Cinemark, KFC, CiCi's, McDonalds. She not only recognises the pictures better than the words, but she also seems to retain that memory better than the word memory. I now am trying to get more pic's to hang on the ice box.
I still can not figure out how to help her statement that goes along with the memory situation, that------ "nobody told me!!!!!"" I I just think that we can not win. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
My DH would love to talk to you, Jerry. He's as chatty as can be and will engage anyone within hearing distance much to my chagrin. If I leave the room he will talk to the people on TV. When he joins me in our home office he talks to the pictures of the grandchildren. I have no complaints about that because it's harmless and he can entertain himself.
Wow, sometimes I'm jealous of all the years you all have had to love each other "DH smiles and gives me hugs/kisses" Jim does not give me hugs unless I ask and long ago stopped showing any affection. We have only had 6 years together. Then other times I am grateful that he has FTD and not AD, so that he will not have to suffer all the years that so many of your DH/DW's have. It stinks either way. I just never expected that 5 months after dx I'd be looking for a nursing home!
Jean, I had the same repeating over and over and it drove me a little crazy. I too learned not to say anything about our plans till we were nearly at our destination. This was especially true when we had to go for ad checkups. He hated the tests! Anyway, I think the reason for me that I found this so hard was because I knew that this was a definate sign that our relationship had to change. No longer could I confide in him, ask him for an opinion or share much of daily living with him. The detatching had begun. I could not rely on him to do the things that he had always done-like keep the car serviced, maintain the outside of the house, etc. Suddenly, it became all me. Much like being a single Mom. All the responsibilities, none of the fun. This too shall pass and you will grow as a person taking on alot more responsibility but it will be ok. You will test yourself and find out your strengths and weeknesses and go with it. Some people can change their own oil, me, I take it to the place and let them change it. Now I do all the financisl planning, cooking, cleaning, buying, gift giving, etc. without any imput fom dh. It is kind of freeing but after 35 years of marriage you are so accustomed to "being one" that it is hard to separate when they are still with us. Good luck
Kathryn, yes, there are also advantages to taking everything over. I can do some things my own way that I was doing his totally weird and unnecessary way. I can simply make the decisions. I'm allowed to choose the restaurant some of the time these days as well, which is something I never did unless I wasn't eating with him for most of our marriage.
It is still sad, but in some ways it is also easier.
Kathryn, You have put this beautifully; I too feel the freeing but at the same time the pain of having to do it all alone. I remember the exact week that I started to regard dh no longer as my partner but as my charge, someone I had to take care of. I was reading a book about the care and treatment of AD patients. The book helped me immensely but at the same time opened my eyes to the new nature of our relationship.
Starling, we were writing at the same time. For years I disagreed with Siem about our landscaping. I thought we should be working towards low-maintenance (this was before AD) but he continued to create more intricate flower beds, more paths and edges. Now he has no clue anymore and I can (and do) work towards larger areas of maintenance-free plantings. (But I'm afraid the paths are pretty much here to stay). BIG downside: he is hardly helping with any of it anymore.
My husband went down hill very rapidly (FTD instead of AZ). We went from 0 to 60 in just under 2 years. Susan L, I read that for you it has been only 5 months. It is really hard for those of us who's spouses advance so rapidly. It is really hard to keep up with the phases. Just get used to one and they go into another. I yearn for the "good old days" when I was competing with Divva for the "queen of poop" title.
Awww Edis, havent we all said that what seems important and so irritating at the time, comes back to haunt us as the 'good times' once they are in advanced stages. i miss the hooligan stage too, at least he was more talkative and active during the day. havent been many takers lately for the 'title' though, i am stuck with it -divvi
Kathryn0907, I have always taken care of just about everything so none of the things you mentioned were new to me. In fact if I think about it the only thing I didn't do was go to work for him!!!! I would just like to have a conversation where DH can remember what was said a minute ago but I guess that won't happen.