jav posted yesterday that this is the first wedding anniversary since her husband passed away. jav, my thoughts are certainly with you. Last year at this time I start that thread called "another anniversary....La de da." Well, its that time again. In just a few hours, July 29, would have been our 20th anniversary. It is a milestone I had dreamed we'd celebrate, big time. Given our age difference I wasn't waiting for a 25th to celebrate big. I think about tomorrow, and what is missing.........but it has also made me look back to the past couple of years and wonder. I wonder what I'd be feeling now if DH were here, knowing that the past two years DH didn't have a clue it was our anniversary. And thinking back to how DH's condition was just a few months ago. I can only imagine how much more miserable he would be, how much more lost, and how much harder perhaps for me.....to have him here, yet so absent from reality. I think perhaps the sadness of missing him, although a strong emotion, at least has some closure to it. I'm just rambling thoughts at the moment as I am getting sleepy now.
Dear New Realm, I wish you much strength on such an emotional day: can you do something fun to celebrate the day just for yourself and for good memories? Ours is coming up on Friday (44th) and we always go to the Castle of Rhoon (yes, we have a genuine castle in our village, now used for weddings, cultural events and a classy restaurant) for a once-a-year splurge. This is the first year that Siem has no idea what I'm talking about. But he'll come and the place will be familiar and he'll enjoy it. The waiters may even recognize him. I'll have to try to sneak my credit card at the waiter without Siem seeing the bill. He'd flip.
Diana-good question. When our 50th came around I was in a tailspin. Husband had not even known who I was for at least two years. I asked our children to please not send cards. Somehow I got through the day. I do think when he is gone it will be easier because at least I will have the status of being a "real" widow instead of being in never-never land.
I am going to leave this thread here, but I am also posting your message under Widows and Widowers. I am hoping that some of them will see it, and be able to give you helpful words based on their experience.
New Realm*, I am of the opinion that there are things worse than death and that end stage Alzheimer's Disease is one of them. My husband was a living corpse for many years. There was no communication, no emotions, no nothing. I took care of his body until it gave out. For me, the day he took his last breath was a happy one. He never would have wanted to live in the condition he was in. My grieving took place long before he died. It has been an easy transition for me and I have such a feeling of peace now. I know that he is at rest....nothing bad can happen to him again.
((Diana)) I hope you are able to find some peace today. I can't imagine.....My thoughts are with you ((hugs))
((Sandi)) I too believe there are worse things than death. When I hear you, and others talk about their loved ones not knowing them, no emotion, that would surly be at the top of my list. It rips my heart out thinking of Lynn like that.
Sandi...I agree with you. I had a 27 year old brother in a coma for 7 years following an accident. Quality of life is more important than quanity of life. That's why we did living wills years ago.
Just about through the day.......its so darn hot here (103) that people are trying to stay in to stay cool. Did get out to the mall with the kids for a couple hours today. Daughter needed some capris and shoes. It was a diversion.
Ya know, my thoughts on the day are that DH really loved me and would do anything to make me happy. And I know its a blessing that DH didn't have to go through another year of misery. It would have been a very miserable day for me, having him here without him really being "here." In this situation I can look back with fondness, whereas otherwise, if he were here, I'd be struggling with a whole different set of emotions.
We never managed to do the big anniversary party. We were in different states for some of them. Didn't know anyone where we were living when the 45th came along. Etc., etc. He might still be with me for the 50th, but he already doesn't know what an anniversary or a birthday is.
My DW will have out 50th next Jan 15. Our two children are looking forward to a big celebration. I hope Carol will at least have fun. I doubt that she will understand the celebration. That is still 5 months away.
We just had our 33rd. I haven't tried to do anything other than a nice dinner at home for quite some time because for many years, I would never know where his mood would be on that day. I "fly by the seat of my pants" on just about everything these days. It's no fun to plan a dinner out for a special time and then, at the last minute, have them get mad about something and not go.
On one anneversity, may be 27th or so, we were washing the car and talking about dinner plans and he got mad over something stupid and hit me in the hip with a wooden three-foot level. Later that night, he asked me where the big bruse came from. I told him and he didn't even remember anything past washing the car. I tore up the really lovey cute card and threw it in the garbage. It didn't feel right to give it to him. I haven't gotten him a card since.
When we had our 30th, he got really mad to me because our children did not plan a big get together. They learned like I did that it just wasn't any fun. I told him that our anneversity was "ours" and no body elses. I told him that I wouldn't want a party anyway. Which I would not have wanted under the circumstances.
These are a couple of the things that happened that caused me to know that there was something not right with him.
Mary, since you don't have a diagnosis yet, can you make sure you have as much insurance as possible? Can he pass a physical for long-term care insurance, if they require one?