I received a voicemail from my BIL who said he was going to visit in October. Normally, this would be great news, but this is the same man who hasn't seen his brother in 4 years and blames me for this disease. His attitude has been anything but supportive. He even said that our son's education was an "unnecessary expense". He and his wife spend most of their timing traveling, yet never have the time to call, write or visit us. Honestly, I am in a panic about this. I feel that family is number one and I need to deal with this......However, my husband is terrified of his brother and I feel the need to protect him.
I haven't returned his call yet.........My husband is due for the BAP infusion around the same time, but won't be able to use that as an excuse. Maybe I should just welcome him into our house and then he'd realize just how horrible our situation has become.....yet, can I really do that? I know it should matter to me, but can't some things still matter?
Oh wonderful support group..........What should I do? How should I approach this?
THANK YOU!
Ann
P.S. This is the third day of a migraine.........I'm not dealing with anything very well right now!
Ann: Bless your heart. I haven't had the same situation, but, under the circumstances you describe, I think I would, as courteously as possible, tell him that this is not a good time and that you will let him know when it is.
Good Luck.
PS: I'm sure you will get better advice than this, but, ..........
Ann, since my husband and I are only children, I can't help you with "what I have done" advice, but I can give you "how to protect yourself" advice. I would call his brother and say that his visiting in October on such and such dates would be fine. Ask him if he wants you to recommend hotels close to your house so that he can make his own reservations, or does he want you to make them for him. You don't want him in your house, so that you can have the night and early morning as a safety net. And while he is there, if your husband gets agitated, help your husband to the bedroom saying that he needs his rest for an hour or so. You make the rules. It's your house, your husband, and your stress level. You have to take charge and make certain your husband knows you will protect him from all and sundry.
And take three Tylenol and rest your eyes for 30 minutes. <grin>
I hope this helps. Others may come along with better advice. I wish you well. And I hope that the brother has changed and will be supportive.
I agree that if you want them to come, have them stay in a hotel. I have no idea how they can blame you for your husband's illness. That is so absurd. Shows how uneducated he is.
I use to fill the tub with hot water and lay in it with my head underwater - just my nose sticking out to breath - the get rid of my migraines. In my early years my gynecologist gave me codeine for them. Your's sounds like a stress migraine. Mine were triggered by chocolate and pent up childhood pain.
Ann i agree with mary and charlotte. tell them you are delighted they can make it in oct and you can help with a hotel if they need it. this is a must for any visit if our spouses arent good with lots of strangers you need to have the space to have them leave if needed like mary says. so a hotel is a good idea/ you may want to lay down some rules as well for them to follow round DH. just some generals so he is more comfortable around them.. aka no do you remember whens? etc tell them to bring pictures of family maybe? and keep things simple and uncomplicated. you have time to think of whats best for DH. don tbe intimidated . its your home and your DH and you will call the shots how you see fit for his benefit. hopefully he can reunitie with his family and it will be a cordial visit. if not cut it short and dont be afraid to let them know how things stand. divvi
Ann, I had cluster headaches (aka suicide headaches) which are a form of migraines. Bless your heart. They are horrible. Tylenol didn't help me AT ALL. I would stand in front of the freezer with my eyes on a bag of frozen veggies - believe it or not..that helped. Ice bags on my eyes and the back of my head. Cold showers... not hot ones.. Another thing that helps me was the very strong Lavendar oil, I'd rub it on my hands and hold them over my nose and inhale deeply. Peppermint oil can help as well. This is all IN ADDITION to the drugs your Nurologist gives you. Do not hesitate to get them. They work! Or did with me. The best was the shot in ER when I first felt them coming on. The sooner the shot, the more it works. What a bad memory. Mine have been in remission for about ten years now. Shhhhhhh. Don't say that out loud.
I feel better already.......from you support. All great ideas. I do enjoy the seagull reference. Guess could send them to McDonald's as that is the only other place I've seen them!is
My BIL mentioned we...when he call. We being he and his wife? The grandchildren? His mother? I can't imagine that my MIL could make the trip, but I would love to have her visit.
You are right. This is MY house and I can make the rules. My BIL and his wife have so many giant houses that I doubt they know where they are most of the time. If they are bored at my house, they could always count their money. Again.......these are the people who thought it would be better we go through foreclosure and live in our car so that we could learn how to manage money. (They wouldn't consider a loan to us until I sold my mother's house) We have both worked all of our lives and never had a collection of toys...boats, motorcycles, cars.... It is just that I didn't plan on my husband would no longer be the primary bread winner and I would be his caregiver before any idea of retirement! It does change when SSI is only 20 percent of your income and you pay out of pocket for health insurance. Silly me......My fault AGAIN!
I've had migraines since I was a teenager.....They are both hormonal (sorry guys) and stress related. I also have sinus headaches and cluster headaches. Since I had a retinal stroke when I was in my 30s, I'm not able to take many of the migraine medications. I do try the different tricks though.......If I am standing, I sit. If I am hot, I'll put my head in the freezer......or outside in the Vt winter. The visual disturbances are horrible....especially if they should happen while driving.----So, what do I do? I have to deal with them as them come........with pain meds. AND the docs are not great about that either....---My mother had migraines, but they ended when she went through menopause.........Hopefully I will follow suit.
Just another thought about my BIL. He claims he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about this disease. If he does, perhaps I should invite him to stay with my husband and jump on Phranque's ship for a vacation..... Just a thought!
I was thinking the same thing as Sandi, is your husband still terrified of him? Goodness, that is the last thing either of you needs. I hope whatever you decide turns out well for you and your DH.
Ann - since you are close to Canada, you might want to see if they still sell 222. When we lived in Seattle we would travel to Vancouver, BC for hockey. I would always buy some 222 when up there. They were aspirin with a small amount of codeine in them. They were over the counter but the last I heard you had to ask for them but they did not require a prescription.Sorry you have them. I got rid of the headaches but then started with the migraine phenomenon - starburst and such. It is hard to see when it hits. No more headaches though!
I'm about a an hour from the border....2 hours to Montreal. I didn't know that was available OTC. It is called 222? My husband is (was) a pharmacist. Wonder if he would recall hearing of this. Again.........my family here has a wealth of information!
Sorry you still have the visual migraines.......Usually they will precede the headache itself, but not always.
Sorry, BIL this is not a good time for us. Check back in the future. Keep it short and simple and SEE A DR for the Migraines! You must take care of yourself! Arms around, Susan
I don't know how long ago migraine meds didn't work for you, because there have been great strides in treating them. DH's daughter has them - brought on by stress too,... and she has great luck with the shot. IF she is near her own hospital where her doctor has left standing orders for her ... Her problem is that she often waits too long to go for help...or they come on when she is not home.
All the migraine medication have the risk of stroke. Since I did have one, I haven't found any doctor would would prescribe them. --There is something about waiting too long to........I know that I do that and I don't know why. I've had these headaches since I was 13, you would think I would know better by now! However, I think it is the denial or the confusion it causes for me. This one is still hanging on, but was able to get in a 30 minute nap.
Susan-----I can't think of ANY good time for BIL to visit! <G>
Ann, my trigger is Red wine. Talk about stupid. I'll politely beg off the offer of red wine, and when asked, I'll mention that the tannin in red wine gives me terrible headaches. You will never know how many someliers have assured me that "this particular wine is very low in tannin ( from the skin of the grape ) and will not have that effect". Friends will insist this as well. So, I'll acquiese and drink the wine. Four hours later, I'm standing with my head in the freezer - or with an ice pack on my head. WHEN WILL I LEARN just to say NO! I have always been so afraid I'll be considered rude if I stand my ground..or refuse their wines.
Ann - the nuero I went to was surprised I never had the visual when I had migraines. I guess i just do it backwards.
We haven't been to Canada in years but some RV friends told me they are still available without prescription, you just have to ask at the counter now. They don't have a lot of codeine in them, but just enough to make more effective.
When I'm having a migraine, I'm sick to my stomach, cannot stand light of any kind, and everything I see is encased in a brilliant halo or "starlike" blurr.
I used to be worse than I am now about giving in - and not standing my ground. Lately, I'm much stronger,...I think being a caregiver has strengthened my backbone, so to speak.