I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and read today's blog, which I realize was posted very late. There was a lot of work on my desk to catch up on.
The blog is about my lost patience. When I screw up, I do it big time. Please post comments here.
Yes Joan-you did screw up. Sid isn't going to get any better. Stop messing with his meds. Any lull in his rages is just a lull. The disease will always be with him. Of course you lost your patience and none here will blame you. When my husband was near comatose I asked that his meds be reduced. In too short a time the rage was back in his eyes. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You will remember the incident long after Sid has forgotten it.
I agree with bluedaze joan. dont tweak his meds! leave him on the full dose! its this auto dosing that gets us into trouble. his reactions may have been much more subdued if you hadnt done that. so lesson learned. i disagree that sometimes for your own sanity you have to let loose. the good thing is that no they dont remember what you scream at them for long. it can let off steam and then you are able to regroup and move forward. i wouldnt apologize. at the time you meant every word- that defeats the good in spewing it all out and crossing the barriers!. haha. get if off your chest and then just go forward. we arent expected to hold it in forever or not be human sometimes. divvi
This weekend, while we were on a rough mountain ride, I did the same thing. DH still drives but I try to drive most of the time. There were two ways to the place in the mountains where we were headed. Same old conversation. He asked which way I wanted to go. I told him that I didn't care. He told me to pick a way. I picked a way. Then the entire drive, he found a reason for the way I picked to be the worst way. It really was the worst way and I agreed with him because I really felt it was the worst way. Really bumpy, etc. So, I was on edge from the start and not real happy with his behavior.
We stopped at a creek for the pups to get a drink and I did something that he thought was stupid. He called me his brother's name. We both feel that his brother does some pretty stupid things, so this was an insult. It happens every so often and it really makes me mad. I turned to him and said "that is just about enough of that. I don't ever want you to do that to me again. It really hurts my feelings when you do that. I can't believe that you said that." His first reaction was to yell at me, it scared the pups, and to tell me to turn around and go home and never take a trip with him again. We were actually going to meet his brother at a camping spot for the afternoon, so I told him that I would not turn back and that he could just "knock it off." Then I shut my mouth and didn't talk for a few minutes. He just sat and "steamed" for a few minutes. I broke the ice with some generic comment. He started talking again and that was that.
I have never gotten an appology because, in his mind, it is always all my fault. I'm just glad that my reaction didn't cause a week-long problem for me.
I have to admit that it felt pretty good to let lose on him, though.
Joan...I strongly urge you to go to that restaurant every night until you learn which way to turn. It might take you a few months, but eventually you will learn which way to go. And try not to be so human and loose your temper. And Yes, apologize and get a kiss and a hug.....works wonders...and if you mess with the meds, you better be expecting different results and keep your patience on hand and readily available...Shame on you for being a normal caregiver.......now get that hug and kiss.....
Joan, I'm the same way with directions and have been all my life. I usually know the general area that we are headed but not the specific location of a house, etc. So far, we don't have discussions about this. He has always been kind to me about the direction thing. I don't know why it isn't causing problems yet, but it isn't.
Joan, some problems are easily solved. Go to Mapquest, and print out, in large type, the directions to and from that restaurant. Tape it on the dashboard where you can glance down and see it easily when you reach the turn.
divvi, my husband's grandma told me once when I was very young that she never says she is sorry because she never says something that she didn't intend to say. She was a little, very rough woman from the Black Hills. She worked ranches and bus stop cafes. She also said that there is no such thing as "tired." either someone is lazy or they aren't. She was quite the lady and I loved her lots.
I also read somewhere that it is ok to say your sorry that a misunderstanding happened. such as "I'm sorry that we had this fight or these words," without having to take responsibility for the entire problem. I use this from time to time. I say, "i'm sure sorry that you got mad at me again." "I don't like it when we fight."
Thanks, bluedaze, I got it. That's one good thing about AD. They forget what we say. I lose patience completely in the morning. I can't believe that I swear so much. By the time I take him to day care, everything is fine with both of us. It's that first hour that's the killer for me.
Joan - been there done that - I think I know how you feel. I try to be so patient and then I can't believe myself when I reach the breaking point. I think I learn something each time to help me to be better next time. And yes, we aren't perfect - we are human and there has been a lot of stress in your life recently. When we had to move out of our house for three days a few weeks ago for termite treatment, it was very hard on both of us. Routine works and change is unsettling.
Joan-- Once med levels are working: LEAVE THEM ALONE.
One of key reasons we changed Psych Drs. was bcasuse firs one was pressured but Insurance to reduce use of Artane (for side effects/tremors). His response was to reduce both psych meds as well to reduce side effects--What about the anger storms, agitation and confusion? They started coming back. Had psych meds. restored, and new Dr. replaced Artane with Primidone (which I's aske first Dr. to consider using--he said, "That's an old drug.") Using less Artane that way--HA HA HA.
It is so difficult to GRASP even when we are living with this 24/7..that possibly 20 minutes after a horrendous episode.. they are just fine.. we are left holding all of, what would be considered a NORMAL reaction. Sometimes its just gotta go right back at them. Right now, the storm of our last week has passed. I am still braced and on guard. We get in a flurry of reaction..and things settle down..so that just about the time I relax thinking, ok we're managing better... most of you can fill in the rest of it. Like you, Joan.. I get lulled into thinking my DH is doing ok. Right now I need to add another .25 to the Risperadone.. hate to do it..BUT he's just returned from our daughter's..seems calm, not agitated at all.. so maybe he doesn't 'need' it ..?? I predict, he'll get that added med before the end of the week.
Dear Joan...don't feel bad, it isn't easy to control our emotions ALL of the Time..we are human...and maybe it does us good, if we let off some steam once in awhile..this is not an easy journey that we are on. I pray for patience and good health to continue this journey... I did want to mention something about Meds..the P.D. thought it best to take DH. off of Zoloft and try Rameron, to see if it would give him a better nights rest. so I weaned him off, and started the Rameron...it did a number on him, so I took him off....now with the Dr. advice he is on nothing for depression, something he took for years...is taking Xanax, which works well for him...but I have noticed a change, he gets angry more often, is more restless, not napping the way he did...I think he needs to be back on the Zolfot. The Dr. did say give it a try without the Zoloft, and see what happens...I think he needs to be on it.....any advice out there???? Rosalie
..Zoloft, and see what happens...I think he needs to be on it.....any advice out there???? Rosalie
I'm sure Joan will be the first to say no one should offer medical and/or pharmacedical advice, especially re: advice on medications - to anyone. What works very well for one person could be lethal to another one.
That being said, has he ever been on Seroquel? Many of the people on this site have reported their loved ones are taking seroquel and it's been effective. I'd suggest you ask your Doctor for advice on this one.
hi Nancy...I will call the Dr. tomorrow, and let him know what is going on....DH. does not do well with change of medication...Years back when he started to get on anit depressents and anti anxiety meds...he tried quite a few, before they found one that helped him....I noticed that a lot of people here,are on seroquel, and that it helps them, I will ask about it...thank you for your interest....Is Seroquel an anti Depressant???
Seroquel is - I believe - referred to as an antipsychotic medication. Doesn't that sound scary?
Pharmacedical treatment of Alzheimer's Disease is relatively new, and drugs are frequently used "off label", meaning that that is not what they were originally approved to be used for. Off label, black box warnings....all of the other warnings.printed on the encloures..makes one afraid to take aspirin.
It's definitely worth talking to your doctor about.
If we didn't lose control once in a while, we would probably have a stroke or a heart attack. Occasionally the steam has to be expelled. Luckily, they have a short memory! Don't be hard on yourself. I remember several months ago I lost my temper with my husband and told him if he didn't stop preventing me from helping him I would have to put him in a nursing home. This was at the end of a hard day. I felt like slime for weeks! He was his smiling, cuddly self an hour later! And very helpful while I dressed him! After all the stiff leggedness and refusal to put a shirt on an hour before! At some time on other, we are going to blow. We're human. And IT IS ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN. The other members of our family here were supportive of me and helped me understand that it was all right, and now it's your turn to be told that it's all right and don't feel badly!
THANK YOU JOAN! I know so many of us have said how much it means to us to know that we're not alone in some of these experiences we could never have fathomed before dementia.. I am so grateful to you for being willing to be so open without concern for the way you might be perceived by others or even yourself. I read your post last evening after exploding in the most awful way at my DH that morning. I felt it was a low point in my life and had never "vented" like that at him but I truly lost it. I don't know how I would have processed that event if I had not read your blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My wife said we have to get this mail address changed, not mrs anymore. Doesnt know who I am & why i am in the house. If i dont leave she is calling the cops . Joan you are not the only one that goofed up the care giver nice person. I lost it and called my son & told him he could have his mother. I hasvre gotten some calmness back after couple of days
Joan, I managed to stay calm all day as our 6th wedding anniversary was ignored, in spite of greeting cards which he read and didn't connect with. What finally got to me tonight was his delusion that he has to write a check to a dr. here in town he thinks he owes money to. Said he'd do it in the morning. This is an almost daily event and I am so sick of this delusion. He thinks the dr. was on a ship with us two years ago, that he got sick and she treated him and he pd. her $400 in cash. I said she wasn't really on that ship and he exploded. I've already spoken to the office and was assured he owes nothing. He thinks they lied to me. At this point I'd like to just sit down and cry. Just as I was about to fall asleep and put the nightmare of this day behind me he starts in on this again. Did I raise my voice? Oh yeah!
Oh, Pris, dealing with these delusions can be exhausting. Can you possibly agree with him and offer to drop the check in the mail or you personally deliver it without him along, and instead destroy it? Bless your heart, I'm sure you are exhausted and angry -- as well you should be! Hang in there. You are a strong lady.
I try to get my DH to bed right around 9:00 (earlier if possible) so I can have some "me" time. We seem to have a stand-off about him lying down in the bed. Last night he sat on the edge of the bed and wouldn't lie down. I coaxed and begged. Tried everything I could think of. Finally I just lost my cool and said "Fine!! Just sit there on the bed all night for all I care! I'm outta here!" I went out into the other room and started reading. He came out about 15 minutes later and sat in his chair. I asked if he were ready to go to bed. He said no he wasn't so I said, Fine!! and got up and went to another room. I guess he finally got tired of me walking away from him because finally I got him into bed. I'd let him just sleep in his chair but he kept getting up and standing over me rather than sit and go to sleep. I was very agitated and angry. The worst part of it, I was still mad and he didn't remember why. I wondered if yelling at him could be considered spousal abuse, but then decided probably not, since he didn't even remember that I had been mad or yelled. I HATE being mad and not being able to give him a piece of my mind! (Not that I have any of it to spare at this time) :-)
Kacnk, Pris, Gmaewok, don't feel so bad, it's really OK to explode once in a while. It helps make it possible to be kind again later. Gmaewok, I think that the reluctance to lie down is a fear of losing control, and of course the hovering near you is a fear of losing track of you. It helps (me) to remember that when this behavior gets so irritating. Pris, is there any way you can lose the checkbook and only use it when he's asleep? Or is he still too functional for that. Kacnk, Good to see you posting, I'm truly sorry your dw is being so difficult. It is so hard to deal with. What stage is your wife in?
I'm thinking seriously about putting the checkbook and all the blank checks in my lockbox. I'd have to tell him because otherwise he'd tear the apartment apart looking for it. And that includes my dresser drawers. His daughter and I think it's time to bring her into the loop, as he's not aware that she's a huge part of my support. In fact, we're really a team. It may not cause the big blowout we're afraid of. They're very close and he still wants to be the same hero he's always been to her. This is a man who's never failed at anything in his entire life.
Told DH this morning that I'd need the towels thrown downon the porch when the GoBus is ue this afternoon, about 1:30. He started to put them out right away, and I said, "Not until about 1:30." He wnt to bed. 10:45 he gets up and gets a bite to eat, thn puts the towels out. As he headed back to bed, I caught myself yapping, "They have to come back in. It's too soon. Why can't you listen?" HELLOOOO!
I know better. Years of this. Maybe it'sthe Full Moon?
For those who don't know, a towel down on a wet floor or deck is less likely to slip when you walk over it, than the wet surface.