I have been feeling kind of (?) angry with certain members of our family because they don't call and check in with my DH during the day, or maybe call him once in a while and ask him to go out for coffee or lunch--they know he doesn't drive; and they know he is alone 3 days/week when I am working. His sister and BIL are off work all summer--I'm sure they have SOME time to spare that they could spend with him. Why don't they call--Is it up to me to ask them to do this? I don't think it is----What do you think? We all live within a few miles of each other.
bella sometimes it is better to be pro-active than re-active. Don't waste your energy feeling angry and hurt. I did the same thing and just wound up feeling worse than ever. Tell them how you feel.
i used to spend alot of time being angry over family members not calling enough or bothering to visit -my take on it is if they are not making the time to do it on their own they dont want to call or visit then thats the end of it. i dont like to beg (for me same as asking in my book) for someone to show a caring attitude..either they have it or not- that being said, those same people better not think to ask for a favor any time soon. divvi
I sort of agree with Divvi about the not asking or begging. I used to send out detailed emails to friends telling them how my husband was doing, what was going on, with the hope that if they understood, they would be more attentive. My SIL even held a get together with our close friends with the hopes of setting up a regular schedule for people to spend time with him. Neither effort resulted in any increased contact. I think the bottom line is--people that are compassionate will make it their business to stay in touch--the others, dynamite won't move them!
It really gets to you, doesn't it? Stepson lives two miles away. We saw him on DH's birthday (March 30)and Father's Day. He's a football coach so home during the summer. Anyway, the grand-daughter was visiting from out of town last week. When we came home from lunch, there was a message on the answering machine asking if they could come and use our park's swimming pool. Too bad it was too late when I answered it. At least, with the AD , DH isn't even aware that his son doesn't come over or call. The frosting on the cake - when he took this job there was a write up in our newspaper and he stated that one of the reasons for taking the job was to be closer to his Dad. Right!
Bella, what you are facing, most of us here have faced. My son and 2 daughters-in-law are great about spending time with their dad. HIS family, on the other hand, act as if he doesn't exist. At the suggestion of someone whom I depend on for sage advise, I started a family blog where I blog several times a week about what DH is going through at the time, and how we are handling his deteriorating health. After I started the blog, I emailed all of my family members, and a few close friends, and gave them the blog address. I know the people who read the blog, because they mostly post comments. Sadly, I still haven't heard from his 2 sisters, except his youngest one who sent me an email last week telling me she talked to her brother last week (he doesn't remember) and how GREAT he sounded! Whatever! Good luck, Bella
I agree with bluedaze to not stew but let them know. After that, if nothing changes, as hard as it might be at first, write them out of your general lifestyle. Your focus has to be on your LO and you. I had to do this, and tell his family, that from now on, I'll keep them posted on anything major, but I will no longer be researching backup data, and explaining decisions and changes going on. Making them feel better about DH's situation is not my job, when they aren't involved; don't help; don't ask; and infact on occasion lay on the riticism and/or try to interfer in his care.
This is a hot button for me. I have had to harden my heart. Of his whole family, only one of his sisters is in constant contact with us. His kids, nothing. But I do still send emails, and place calls ..but only for important things. It no longer angers me they dont write or call back...but it does still make me sad. Not for me, but for Lynn. He was a great Dad!!! He deserves better. I am glad he is not aware of their absence. But then again, it is there absence that had made him forget he even has children! Their loss in my eyes.
Bella, if you are comfortable about it, give them a call and tell them how much you think your DH would like to hear from them. After that, if they don't respond, know you did your best, and try to let it go. It is so hard when family isn't there for them, or you. ((hugs))
hmm LO has four boys,three in immediate area,one comes around every few weeks an might take her for an ice cream cone,but is never with her more than the time it takes to get one an bring her home,the other two that live nearby NEVER call or check in one never even sent her a Christmas card or birthday card last year,they're are all on my SHIT list
I dont think i can ever get over such injustice from family as not calling or visiting a sick human with this disease. the 'i cant stand to see him like that' doesnt fly with me- and its going to add insult to injury when they will all show up at a funeral later to show 'respects'? - the hyprocisy seems so out of place- divvi
Bella, oh how I love your name, I always thought that if I'd had another daughter I'd name her Isabella and call her Bella, Italian for beautiful! My therapist gave me a very simple line that explains it all.
YOU ARE ONLY A WALK-ON IN EVERYONE ELSES PLAY................................
After the way I was treated by DH's family this week, being the enemy for placing him, since he is "sharp as a tack, strong, and hasn't changed a bit" I'm glad to not have their help!
There is a song with a line that says, "I thank God for Unanswered Prayers" there is something to be learned here.
Out of sight out of mind is my take on this. The family does not want the pain of seeing them go down hill I guess. I am very sad about the lack of support from family.
I wrote a blog quite awhile back about this issue in relation to adult children, but I guess it applies to all family members. This is an excerpt from it that applies to this topic. Maybe it will help those of you in this situation.
"But what about those of you who have written to express heartache and dismay over the denial, indifference, and emotional distancing of your adult children? There are many reasons for their actions. As long as they are in denial, they don’t have to face the disease; As long as they are emotionally distant, they don’t have to feel the pain of watching their parent’s decline; As long as they use their busy schedules as an excuse for their indifference, they don’t have to disrupt their own lives to face stress, emotional pain, and upheaval. I know because during my last two years of college, and the first two months of my marriage, my mother was dying from lung cancer, and I ran from it. I just could not deal with it. My father and younger sister lived with it, and bore the burden of it. Shame on me. Perhaps that is what is going on with those of you whose children seemed to have turned their back on their mother/father’s Alzheimer’s Disease."
This is really a hot topic with me. It is especially painful because DH is still aware enough to know that none of his six siblings inquire about him. He has said, “I guess that to them, I’m already dead”.
He has told me that when he dies from this disease, not to tell them until someone calls to inquire how he is. That could be months or years after the fact. I agree that I don’t want them to show up to “mourn” after he is gone. If they ask me why I didn’t tell them all, I’m going to give them DH’s comment.
Boy, I’m in a bad mood this morning, aren’t I? But this is a very painful area for both of us.
I use to be that angry as well. I would pace around the house ranting to myself things like, don't they dare show up at his grave telling me how much they loved him, love him while he is alive!.... I don't like looking back on how devastated I was by their lack of concern or support. Now I am no longer "that" angry, but I am still bitter. I can't believe the emotions this thread has brought up in me. eeeeek
I can relate to your post. For over twenty years I would have 20-35 of my husbands family members (most live close by) over for Christmas or fathers day gatherings. At first his family was supportive after diagnosis. Now they never call with the exception of a favorite aunt who has "adopted" us. My husband's sister lives a few miles from us, does not work and has yet to take him out to lunch or call to see how he is doing. It may be that his siblings are in denial since it was very painful for them to lose their mother to this disease.
When we did the CBS News interview in March '08 I let his family know when it would be aired. Afterwards I had neighbors, friends etc.. call and email me to let me know they saw it. It's been over a year and to this day I have no idea if his father or siblings ever saw the interview.
I will no longer count on my husbands family for emotional support or help. On the other hand I am eternally grateful for his wonderful aunt, my stepson, and our children.
Thanks all of you for the responses--you have given me a great deal to think about. For one thing, I plan to be more "up-front" with everyone. I've been kind of treading softly hoping they would make the first move, but I realize they will not or cannot for whatever reason (fear, denial, "too busy"). I also plan to not be bothered so much by this because I have more important concerns than this--my DH, and helping him as much as I can; and our immediate family--our kids and my mom are a lot of support to us both! Incidentally, Bella is not my name, it is our granddaughter's--Isabella, we call her Bella. She truly is beautiful, and at 7 yrs old is the light or our lives!
Beautiful name for a beautiful granddaughter :) Sounds like a good game plan, I am very happy to hear your immediate family is still there for you. Such a blessing!
I too find it hard to ask but sometimes I do, and when I call DH's brothers (they both live nearby) to ask them if they'd like to come round or if they are home and we can come over, or if they'll invite dh over when I'm going to be out, they do try to help. I think sometimes people don't take the initiative not only because they're "busy" but also because they are hesitant and don't know what is welcome. It's hard: with other friends I often hesitate to take the initiative because I don't want to impose dh's presence on those who don't want it, and don't want to wear out our welcome with others, so I move carefully. Yet some people do respond when they see that contact is welcome. I see the same thing with new widows and now I understand it: they will always wait for someone else to take the initiative for social contact, hesitant about being welcome.
First - as for funerals, I plan on not having one for me or my husband. I hate when people come and say all the 'right' things - things they wouldn't say or do when alive.
Just a thought: for those who came around for a while then stopped, maybe it has to do with nothing in common any more. I remember back in 1985 when something happened that devastated our lives, when we needed friends, they all disappeared. Never heard from them again. These were people we spent almost every evening with one of the families for 5 years and after moving away still called often. One couple had kids the same age as ours and they were best friends. Even the kids were not allowed to talk to each other. We were like poison. The same could be with this disease - after a time there is nothing in common, they can't go do what they use to. Many find that situation awkward. To just sit and talk of nothing of value to the healthy person, does not fit into our society. When the person no longer knows you or can talk, they figure there is no need to visit any longer.
It is hard to know why, but I also know that with my mom and father-in-law it was a conscious effort to go visit. It was out of my comfort zone, but I didn't want any 'if only' or 'what ifs' after they pass. Even though my mom was not there in her mind, I talked to her like she was. Talked about good childhood memories and fed her. My FIL we walk the hallway with him talking about memories he was a part of. Who knows if somewhere deep inside they hear and connect? But most people are not that way - to put aside their own discomfort to think of the ill person. And there are those that want to remember them in the healthy days, not their ill days.
I don't get angry (hurt yes) cause they are the ones that will have to live with their behavior, not me.