A frog wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."

The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer - Patricia Black."

So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she asks, "What can I do for you?"
The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."

Patricia asked, "What do you have for collateral?"

After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little froggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant.

"This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patricia. "I'll have to check with our bank president to see if it's ok."

Patricia goes to the president and says, "There's a frog out there who wants a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?"

The bank president takes the small white elephant and after carefully examining it hands it back to Patricia and says, "It's a nick-knack Patty Black give the frog a loan."

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back - now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

I'm smiling so big my face hurts! I didn't want to laugh out loud because DH is sitting across the room & I just don't feel like trying to explain why I am laughing.