I joined a yoga class and went for the first time yesterday. I spent an hour twisting, bending, stretching and sweating. Maybe next week I'll be able to get those leotards on in time to join into the class.
Oh Joyce, I just started yoga class and if I had to put on leotards that would do me in. Doesn't yoga look so relaxing and wonderful? Ha...no way, it is harder than my water aerobics and my treadmill put together. Maybe someday I will be able to fold myself in half like some of the youngsters do, but I doubt it...
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
I was cleaning out e-mails on this snowey night and just had to share:
A Dogs Christmas Carol (sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistenin'. It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wandering vagrants; Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty! Marked up as my winter wonderland.
In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast; Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da- bul.
for centuries Hindu women have worn dot on their forehead,most of us thougth naively that this was connected with tradtion or religion but the Indian Enbassy in Ottawa recently revealed the true story.When a Hindu women gets married she has to bring a dowry into the union,on her wedding night the husband scratches off the dot to see if hes won a 7/11,a gas station,donut shop,taxi or motel,if nothing is there he must remain in India to answer phones an provide us with technical advice
(an email I received today. enjoy, AND HOPE FOR THE BEST!:))
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see..' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! _________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
Comment Author mary22033 Comment Time 2 hours ago edit delete
Mimi, I relate to the Irishness - 50% here. I cringe when my own fingers get dyslexic on the keyboard (often), because in my mind there might be nun reading it somewhere, in which case there could be unpleasant reprecussions :)
Coincidentally, my brother sent me this today:
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY;
1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone.
7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen, and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
13) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.
14) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
15) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
16) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are... but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
17) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.
18) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
19) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know Sully. Then you probably know McMurphy.
20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
21) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget everything but the grudges!
22) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
23) Your skin's ability to tan... not so much. (Only in spots!)
24) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.
25) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.
26) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other... not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other.
Spot on! BTW, my family had a Mary & an Eileen, along with 6 others - with kids & grandkids I can definintely relate to the 45 minute good-bye!
Well, I'm a Mary Catherine, but I don't have an aunt who is a nun or an uncle who is a priest, and there were 13 aunts and uncles on that Irish side of the family.
My grandmother was Irish (red hair and all) - I had two great aunts who were Catholic nuns. They never did figure out that my parents were not raising us Catholic.
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigues and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.'
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
****** Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
****** On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
***** Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq.' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
***** Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
***** God's Problem Now. His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
Here is something else for your Irish joke telling brother, Admin.. Ask him if he knows what an Irish banquet is? It is a boiled potato and a six pack!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, Mildred unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded Mildred relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Bill yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'About a gallon'
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou . ABBOTT : Your computer? COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou . ABBOTT : What about Windows? COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT : Wallpaper. COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT : Software for Windows? COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT : I just did. COSTELLO : You just did what? ABBOTT : Recommend something. COSTELLO : You recommended something ? ABBOTT : Yes. COSTELLO : For my office? ABBOTT : Yes. COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO : Yes, for my office! ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT : Word. COSTELLO : What word? ABBOTT : Word in Office. COSTELLO : The only word in office is office. ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT :The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT : Money. COSTELLO : I need money to track my money? ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT : Money. COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT : One copy. COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............
Farmer take his young son to the livestock auction for the first time,as he wanders around he see's a horse that takes his interest an he carefully check it out,runs his hands up an downthe horse legs then pats it on the butt,the son asks his dad why is he doing that an the father replies I think I'm going to buy the horse an I want to make sure its in good shape,the son thinks for a little bit an then says to his dad I think the mail man is gonna buy mom
This is true. My Mom is 92, is in a nursing home 600 miles from me; my sister is in charge of her. She does not have dementia, I don't think, but is "aging" now. LOL. When she was young, her mother called panties "step-ins", and that's what they were called when we were young too. So, she called her "maid" (aide) and told her she was out of step-ins. She meant the pull-up depends which she uses and changes herself. Of course the aide didn't know what she meant. Called my sister and she had to explain!
Also, my grandmother always drank coca-cola, but would tell us grandchildren to go to the store and buy some "dope". Now, Mom has started calling soft drinks "dope". My sister then had to explain that to the staff; as well as have a talk with my Mom that she should not be asking for "dope"!
Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing >> >> The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of >> Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read >> Each line aloud without a mistake. >> >> The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it! >> >> 1. This is this cat. >> 2. This is is cat. >> 3. This is how cat. >> 4. This is to cat. >> 5. This is keep cat. >> 6. This is an cat. >> 7. This is old cat. >> 8. This is fart cat. >> 9. This is busy cat. >> 10. This is for cat. >> 11. This is forty cat.. >> 12. This is seconds cat. >> >> Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I >> Betcha you cannot resist passing it on
What did everyone eat for breakfast today! Everywhere I have roamed here to day there is something to lift the spirits and give giggles. Love the cat thing.I am surprised Phranque didn't think this up.
Did you hear about the 80 year old lady who was sentenced to jail? Yes, for real! She was kind of a cranky ol gal at best the day she and her husband were shopping in the local grocery store.But this ol gal had a bad bad habit..she is a cleptomaniac ( did I spell that right guess not judging by those red line). It wasn't long before she was stopped by security. Well the upshot of all is she was cited and had to go to court. When she appeared before the judge, he asked her, having reminded her that she is under oath and to tell the truth..." did you steal this can of peaches?" To this the ol grump answered, " yes I took the can of peaches." Then the judge said that there is a price to be paid for breaking the law and stealing. Because there are 6 peaches in the can, I am sentencing you to 6 days in jail, one day for each peach in the can. And just before he adjourned, a man in the back of the room raised his hand. The judge acknowledged him, asked who he is and what has he to say. The hen pecked man said he was her husband and said " I thought you ought to know she also stole a can of peas".
an older couple were contemplating marriage an were discussing assets,living arrangements an the like,she woman said she'd like to stay in her home an the old boy was agreeable to that,then she said she'd like a Cadillac an he was also agreeable with that,then he sat quietly for a couple of minutes an then asked her about sex,she said she'd like it infrequently,after much thought he took his glasses off an asked her is that one word or two?
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out To the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
a cannibal is walking thru the jungle when he comes upon a restaurant,the menu says roasted tourist $5 boiled missionary $10 fried explorer $10 politician $100 the cannibal asks the cook how come so much for a politician an the cook replies did you ever try to clean one? their so full of shit it takes all day
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Safety First - Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home. ’I’ve been sleeping really well these past few weeks,’ Ralph says. ’Why?’ Patty asks. ‘Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?’ ’Yes,’ Ralph says. ‘Every night I’m given an glass of warm milk and viagra.’ ’Why are they giving you viagra?’ she asks. ’I don’t know,’ Ralph says. Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids. ’The warm milk helps him sleep,’ the nurse says. ’But why the viagra?’ Patty asks. ’Oh,’ the nurse says. ‘That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.
Woman takes her hubby to the MD. MD asks gentleman how he's been. "Fine. I don't drink, don't smoke, and the good Lord is looking out for me. Why, for the last few weeks, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the Lord even turns the light on for me." Concerned, MD speaks with wife about what her hubby said. "I don't think that's anything to worry about," she said," and on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere, every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
p.p.s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it???