Subject: The Gynecologist >>> >>> A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO >>> paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where >>> skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. >>> He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, >>> attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the >>> practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for >>> weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. >>> >>> >>> >>> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had >>> obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the >>> instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an >>> outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." >>> >>> >>> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart >>> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the >>> engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the >>> mark." >>> >>> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% >>> because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen >>> done in my entire life
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery........if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot.............they "didnt have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would lip and fall off the roof.. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer... And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring!!
Female Genie While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master,may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. " The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.
Two dumb guys were working really hard digging a ditch , while their boss sat in a chair and read a book. They asked each other why they had to work so hard, while the boss just sat around all day. One dumb guy suggested that they ask their boss. So, he walks over and asks his boss "Why is it that we have to work so hard, while you just sit there and watch?. The boss replies "You guys have to work hard because you are not smart." "Let me show you", the boss says. He then walks in front of a brick wall, puts his hand out, and tells him "Hit my hand as hard as you possibly can". The dumb guy swings back, and delivers the most powerful punch he can muster, and at the last second, the boss withdraws his hand. The dumb guy fractures his hand on the wall, and is screaming in pain, but then goes back to his friend. Eagerly, the other dumb guy asks what the boss said. "We have to work hard because we are dumb. Let me show you....so he raises his other hand in front of his face, and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can".
> Two businessmen in Florida were sitting > down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. > > As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few > shelves set up. > > One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some > senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what > we're selling.' > > No sooner were the words out of his > mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the > window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' > here?" > > One of the men replied sarcastically, > "We're selling ass-holes." > > Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, > > "You must be doing well. Only two left." > > Seniors - don't mess with them! > >
Q: Do you know the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops at three "Ho's"!
======================= It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out'ta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b!&^%es would keep their mouths shut!"
1.Put both lids up Add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo 2.Pick up kat an soothe him while you carry him towards bathroom 3.In one smooth motion put kat in toilet am close lid.....you may have to stand on lid 4.Flush toilet 3-4 times(depending on how dirty it is) 5.The kat will self agitate an make ample suds,flushing provides power wash an rinse 6.Have someone open front door to your home whilst you hold lid down,be sure noone is standing between bathroom an front door 7.Stand behind toilet as far as you can an quickly lift lid 8.Kat will rocket out of toilet an streak thru bathroom an run outside an dry himself off 9.Both the commode an kat will be sparkling clean for another week.
One of my cats jump up on the counter and slowly use his paw to push objects off the counter and onto the floor where the puppy sits waiting to get a new "toy" to chew on. I watched from a distance and could swear I saw the cat smile at the thought of the puppy getting in trouble! :o)
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple**,** **Pumpkin**,** **Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor** **Day**?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other, **body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Psychiatrist vs. Bartenders Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' $90 per visit,' replied the Doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having,' he asked. 'Well, ninety bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.00.I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude, he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!' GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER! Life is too short!
Occdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. If you can raed tihs, psot it to yuor wlal. Olny 55% of plepoe can.
A Mexican woodpecker an a Canadien woodecker are having a discussion,the Mexican says I'll bet you can't put a hole in that tree over there its impeccable,well the Canadien is up for the challenge an quickly makes a nice size hole to the amazement of the Mexican woodpecker,the Canadien then challenges the Mexian woodpecker to come to Canada an try to make a hole in their impeccable tree,so they both fly off to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker quickly makes a hole in the impeccable Canadien tree without breaking a sweat,proving Tiger Woods right when he said the further you are away from home the harder your pecker is
a guy walks into a bar an orders 12 shots an starts drinking them as fast as he can the bartender says why are you drinking so fast the guy says you'd be drinking fast if you had what I have,the bartender says what do you have? the guy says seventy five cents
a young lad tells his mother he wants breakfast,she tells him not till you've fed the animals so he goes outside an sees the chicken an says I don't fell like feeding anything an kicks the chicken,does the same with the other animals then goes back inside an asks again for breakfast,his mother says I saw you kick the chicken so no eggs for you,I saw you kick the cow so no milk either then I saw you kick the pig so there will be no bacon either,just then his father stumbles on the porch falls down an kicks the cat.the young fella asks his mother should I tell him or will you?
I heard Jesse Ventura on tv today. He said his father didn't trust politicians. Reason: why would someone spend a million dollars to get a job that only paid $100,000!!! This does seem like a good take on it! Ventura said he had only spent $300,000 and was in office four years so he actually came out ahead, and he credits this to his father!
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker Dude are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran
so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds
the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
Watching the Dallas/Philadelphia football game reminds me of a story. Seems a Texan was trying to impress a woman he had just met and was telling her about his "spread" in Texas. He told her "it's at least 20 acres". Her reply: "You call that a ranch?", to which he replied: "No, downtown Dallas".
Three couples went out for breakfast and as they sat eating, one of the husbands looks at his wife and said "Would you pass me the sugar, Sugar?" Pretty cute wasn't that? The second husband looked at his wife and just to be a little sweeter than the first said "Would you pass me the honey, Honey?" The third husband sat for a few minutes trying to think how he could out do the first two. Then he came up with the perfect question, looking at his wife sweetly he ask "Would you pass me the bacon, Pig?"
blonde hears a weather bulletin,that everyone on her street is to park on west side of street so snowplows can do their job,a coupld days later another bulletin this time park on east side of street,so she parks on the east side,a few days later another bulletin she tells her husband she getting tired of moving the car every few days,husband says why don't you just leave it inthe garage?
Reminiscing about the good old days....................
When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, and half a dozen eggs. Ya can't do that now. Too many security cameras.
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.... Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. > Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. > 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. > 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... > 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLIPPIN PORRIDGE YET'>
AND ANOTHER THING..........That's a little silly book that my mother just sent me, thinking of me. All about the wisdom of the cartoon character "Maxine". Go get a look at it....Called, And Another Thing, Maxine on Life, Love and Losers. I do love it!
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ________________________________ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! ________________________________ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. _______________________________ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.. _______________________________ THURSDAY: Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank. _________________________________ FRIDAY: I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________ SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel... ________________________________ SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year I choose a gift for myself that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
I found this giggles just tonight and I have had the most fun, reading all 147 entries. Here's one I heard today 3 men and a woman are sitting in the bar, bragging about their offspring.The first man says, "My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father" the second one says"MY son is a bishop. When he walks in to a room, everyone calls him "Your Eminence" the third man says My son is in the Vatican. He is the Pope. Everyone calls him "Your Holiness" They wait for the woman. She says, "I have a daughter. She is tall and slim. She has a 38D, 24" waist and 24" hips. When she walks in to a room, everyone says" O My God"Phyllis9
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what an angel promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.