Texas Soldiers- A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!
My son is blonde also. He was 15 or so the first time I heard him say a blonde joke. He gave a disclamer first something like "Mom don't be mad at me because this is really funny." I reminded him that he was blonde also. He proceed to tell me that his hair was light brown. This is the on-going joke in our house. I'll mention what beautiful blonde hair he has; he always comes back with how it is light brown.
Pocket Taser Gun For A Gift Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their Anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.? The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way"! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipstick", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A three second burst would be considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.? My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.? The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.? My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! "If you think education is difficult, try being stupid". >
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he went to God and said, 'I'm afraid it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% of people are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. But after thinking about it for a while, He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to acknowledge them, encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and, #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a final kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."
OKAY, HERE IT COMES
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Michigan . They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Only in America ..... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. ___________________________________
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. ___________________________________
Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. ___________________________________
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage . ___________________________________
Only in America ...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. ___________________________________
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. ___________________________________
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ___________________________________
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ___________________________________
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? ___________________________________
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? ___________________________________
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? ___________________________________
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? ___________________________________
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? ___________________________________
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? ___________________________________
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? ___________________________________
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? ___________________________________
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ___________________________________
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! ___________________________________
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? ___________________________________
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? ___________________________________
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ___________________________________
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ___________________________________
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?
CAR TROUBLE?
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor.'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET??
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
Riverwalk
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'??
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING?
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN??
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space.;
The American said, 'We were the first on the moonfirst on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO....,' answered the blond.'They're watch dogs.'
People may not remember exactly what you did or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
Life is to short for drama & petty things. So kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly.Never forget anything or anyone that made you smile.
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not... Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change... Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE..........
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen seconds later): Loneliness! And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 seconds. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Ma ry Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.’ God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, its WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”
Subject: Fw: Divorce vs Murder >>>> >>>> DIVORCE vs. MURDER >>>> >>>> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." >>>> >>>> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" >>>> >>>> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband..." >>>> >>>> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" >>>> >>>> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. >>>> >>>> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." >>>>
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'
Even if you don't have pets, this is still pretty funny.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door. > > Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain > your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw > print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it > becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in > the slightest. > > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me > to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall > faster than you can run. > > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about > this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your > comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they > sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched > out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails > straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize > space is nothing but sarcasm. > > For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some > miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not > necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under > the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door > I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline > attendance is not required. > > The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog > or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. > > Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the > front door: > > TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS : > > (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your > clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) > I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.. (4) To you, they are > animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk > on all fours and don't speak clearly. > > Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) > don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come > when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with > drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your > clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a > gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell > their children.
on older retired guy enters the Social Secitity office to apply for benefits an realize's that he forgot his wallet,when he gets to the head of the line the woman asks for his drivers license or some proof of his age,he replies that he forgot his wallet an will have to go home an return later,the woman told him to unbutton his shirt an when she sees the silver hair on his chest says thats good enough for me an oks his benefits,he hurries home to tell his wife the good news an she says you should have dropped your pants too she would have givn you disabiltie benefits
IT'S NOT TRUE THAT ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must Remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said,
When you're from the country you look at things a little differently.....
A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
"When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' "'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'"
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions stated the short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
I have two French g'sons. One 25 y.o. lives with me & the other 22 y.o. is visiting. Sadly, their one g'father, my DH, died from AD, their other g'father has Parkinson's & lives in a care facility in France.
"Grammy," he asked, "do you know which is worse, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
"No," I said.
"Well, if you have Parkinson's and spill a little wine on the table because you shake so much, that's sad. But if you have Alzheimer's and forget to drink it, that's tragic!"
a missonary in the deepest jungle learns he's being called back home an realizes to his horror that while he has been teaching the natives how to farm an fend for themselves he forgot to teach them english so he takes the chief out into the jungle an grabs a tree an says tree,the chief grunts tree,then he points out a rock an says rock,the chief grunts rock,the missionary thinks this is gonna be easy when he sees the bushes moving wildly,worried that it might be a dangerous animal he carefully peeks thru the brush an sees a couple making love,when the chief comes over for a peek the missionary says riding bicycle,at which point the chief gets out his blowgun an kills the couple,the missionary goes nuts screaming at the chief why did you kill them they were riding an bicycle,chief says my bicycle
Comments Made in the Year 1955! That's only 53 years ago! 'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.' 'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,500.00 will only buy a used one.' 'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.' 'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 3 cents just to mail a letter?' 'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store..' 'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 19 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.' 'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.' 'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL o r DAMN in it.' 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ....' 'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $7,500 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.' 'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.' 'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some married women are having to work a day or two a week just to make ends meet.' 'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to have someone to watch their kids so they can both work.' 'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more to those Hollywood stars, They seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.' 'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.' 'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on' 'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $10.00 a night to stay in a hotel.' 'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.' 'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
A caregiver was always worried, and stressed out, and one day, a friend saw him and told him that he looked absolutely horrible...The caregiver replied that he had lots of worries and spent too much time worrying about everthing. He mentioned that he would make changes and try to get rid of the worrying. About a month later, he ran into the same friend who commented how fantastic the caregiver looked, and inquired about the changes that he made.. The caregiver replied that he had hired someone to do all the worrying for him. The friend asked how expensive was that? The caregiver replied "About $2,000 a week". Wow, the friend replied, aren't you worried that you can't afford that? Not at all,he replied, that's HIS problem..................
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
> Whenever a patron gives us a check for payment, we ask them to make it out to the Rhode Island Zoological Society. The other day, the Group Sales department actually received a check made out to the “Rhode Island Zoo Illogical Society.”