I'm not certain that this has not been addressed before, but couldn't find it in search mode. How does one react to abusive behavior...anger, ignore it, retaliate? I was completely blind sided tonight when he very physcially shoved me as I was talking to our daughter (on vacation) on the phone. The refrigerator repairman was making out our bill as the phone rang, I answered and all of a sudden..whamo..it was very upsetting and, of course, our daughter heard it happen. He has done the shove and slap thing before, but NEVER in front of another person. This just blew me away as it was totally out of the blue. He obviously had been stewing about something, but what I have no idea. I haven't spoken to him since I lost it after the embarrased repair guy left. I'm still so angry I surely don't want to share a bed with him!
Oh, Kathi, I'm so sorry. The experienced folks have probably all gone to bed but will be here first thing tomorrow to give you valuable insight and advice. For now, maybe you can avoid him for the rest of the evening -- let him go to bed and you sleep somewhere else. I'm guessing he probably needs meds, but as I said, the folks with good advice will be here later. I do know that retaliating isn't a good idea; they are not in their "right" minds and you don't want to do anything to escalate the situation. Removing yourself from the situation is best. Hope you can get some rest tonight. Hugs to you.
Kathi sorry this happened. Keep your cell phone with you at all times. Let the police know the situation so when you call them they will have a record of your husband's dementia. That way they will respond to you and not hurt your husband. A med eval is needed ASAP. The problem will not go away by itself.
Call his Alzheimer doctor right away. They will put him on meds. to calm him down. Our situation did not escalate to violence, but I felt that it was very close, and that's when he went on meds, which we have since reduced because he is doing well on the one dose.
I have written countless blogs about the anger, insults, taunting, and others have written about physical violence. It is so unexpected. No one tells us about that part of AD.
kathi, i agree with the others. a consultation over the phone with his dr is asap. explain what he did and you are fearful it could escalate. the dr has an obligation for his safety as well as yours-he will give you recommendations. either meds or to bring him in for a stay and readjust the current ones. so sorry this happened. my DH went thru a push/evil eye stage that had me totally taken back as well. coming from a totally docile soft spoken man prior to AD, it catches you off guard. mine also pushed me and pulled his fists on various occasions. i antagonised the situation the first time, and said if he hit me, he better make it a good one and that i wont be getting up or hes had it. (you CAN imagine me saying this right??-HA!) it made him angrier to say the least. he chased me around the house, me running into locked closet- moral!!! dont antagonize !!! i learned quickly to diffuse the 'look' after that. medications are necessary and whatever it takes to subdue his aggressiion -. we used zyprexa, knocked him on his butt on the couch for several days til he grew adjusted and then he was much easier to handle after that. not the bes recourse but it worked for me-this phase lucky for me didnt last but about 4mos. i grew gray hair during that 4mos-get on the phone today and speak to his dr. good luck kathi! divvi
Kathi, you have been given some good advice. ALso talk to your nearest neighbor, let them also be aware of what is taking place. Remove all guns from the house. Hide a car key somewhere outside where you can get it in a hurry to make a quick get away. If worse comes to worse. Be prepared to defend yourself. remember the man behind the face is not your husband. Go ahead and start sleeping in another room with a lock on the door and a phone near by also use your key fob if it makes car alarm go off. You can always move back into the bed when the meds take hold. Make the call to the doc this morning.
((kathy)) I am so sorry to hear this has happened. I do hope you will read the other threads that deb pulled up. I also found another thread I bumped for you. Please follow the advice the others have given. His doctors need to know. He needs medication. YOU need to be safe. ((hugs of understanding)), Nikki
Thanks one and all..I do have a call in to his PCP now...he is on a small dose of Seroquel, so I'm sure he will increase it. My next door neighbor happens to be a cop, and is very aware...guns are long gone..I've done all of the above, I think. I'm just so damned P.O'D. I found the perfect card for people in our situation..cat in a yoga class..inside."I meditate, do yoga, Pilates, and I STILL want to smack someone!" Boy, that's me to a tee.
G's meds have been increased, so we'll see what happens. Actually, no one has actually addressed the question I have..how do you react after the fact? Do you pretend it didn't happen, stay angry, try to talk about it? What am I supposed to feel now and how do I act? That's my guestion.
My experience with this kathi was to be concise and short lived. firm but not aggitated-'that behaviour (pushing/shoving) is not acceptable to me" and drop it..hopefully the meds will help him so it doesnt happen again. good luck with the new dosing! divvi
Thanks Divvi...now I just have to figure out how to get him to take the damned pills. He counts how many morning and night, and refuses extras (as with vitamins etc. ) Very untrusting now.Fun and games time.
stay a little more alert. It is less likely to happen if you do not put yourself in a position to let it happen. I know that it isn't your fault but you are the only one with any control over it. Keep you cell phone with you and don't let him get between you and the door. (I keep car keys in the garage in the car and a house key in my pocket.)
confronting him at the time or even after the fact can cause another episode. Not a good idea. stay focused on the task at hand. That task is to do everything in your power to keep you safe and happy. Staying angry will only hurt you as you will burn up much needed energy with the anger. As they tend to pick up on our feelings, being angry might also cause him to react again. Talking about it won't help either. It you try to talk about it when it is happening, it will probably make the episode worse. If you talk about it after the fact, he will make it out like you are trying to pick a fight and it will become all your fault.
Immediately after it happens, keep your distance, act surprised, as divvi says, say firmly when it happens something like "that is just about enought of that. We don't need that kind of behavior going on." Don't use "you" phrases like "you are so stupid when you act like that." "You statements" only make them madder. If you cry or act out in anger, rather than only showing surprise, it will give them the feeling that they are controling you or the situation.
I don't think they carry the thought process at the time of the incident of chosing to do what they do. Some are embarised after and will get mad if you talk about it. I know it is hard to keep a "stiff upper lip" and act surprised but it will help defuse the situation and end it quicker. By giving them a reaction that they are not expecting, they will be surprised themselves and not know what to do. This is what stops the behavior.
Bottom line, keep it from happening if you can. Keep it short by not giving a reaction. Keep safe by getting out, if necessary. And take the others advice and medicate if possible.
Not a problem, grind em up and put em in the food. You can also request that the next RX be liquid. The liquid are alot easier to handle and administer. When my DH gets real aggressive his doc orders liquids for me and he never knows the difference. You will have to start thinking out of the box and trying to stay one step ahead of him at the same time keeping one eye on your back.. how you react or feel is up to you. You will have to do what makes you more at ease. IF you need to go outside and hit something with the ball bat do it.
((Kathy)) How I reacted varied depending on what stage he was in. In the beginning I couldn't do anything to calm him down,. For that stage what worked best for me was to bite my tongue and simply walk away. (Or run depending on how violent he was.) In the later stages when his short term memory was shot, I would try to diffuse the situation as calmly as I could. Distracting him, diverting his attention worked best for me.
There are times though when none of that will work. As I mentioned in the other thread, I had a phone installed in the bathroom for times when I didn't have my cell phone on me. I think it vital you have a safe place with a locked door where you can go.
Many have, rightly so, called the police. I was never able to that. I SHOULD have, but I couldn't bring myself to. What I did do was make sure I had emergency actions in place. I also had his 3 sons who live here in town to turn to. They were always able to diffuse the situation when I couldn't. Often they had to come down to "calm him down" They never left until they were sure I would be safe. It wasn't ideal, but I did the best I could at that time.
It leaves emotional scars. You can't help but be hurt and even angry. You were abused, you have every right to feel that way! The key is to not allow these feelings to fester. You can't talk to him about it, chances are he is like Lynn and didn't even know he had done it. Try to find a healthy way to express your feelings. Come here and vent away ((hugs)) I hope the seroquel increase helps, keep fighting for the right medications to ease the rages.
Kathi--So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I agree with Nikki, talking to him is probably useless. When Steve was physical with people at daycare, afterwards he had no idea what he had done. Based on my experience, bringing it up will gain nothing and potentially start an argument.
Don't know if this will make you feel any better--I think it was the CARES training that brought out the point that in a dementia patient, problem behaviors are their way of communicating. I decided to try to remember that for the future--it's not that they have suddenly turned "mean" it's that they don't know how else to communicate what they are feeling. Regardless, it must have been a shocker to be pushed out of the blue!
Glad you got the meds upped. Just a thought...do you think the phone ringing set him off? The phones used to irritate the heck out of Steve, then one day I changed the ring tone and made it much softer--problem solved. For some reason, they can become very sensitive to noise, and the phone in particular. I wish all the issues could be solved that easily.
I'm sitting here reading all the excellent advice about dealing with anger/violence, advice gained through experience, and it makes me cry. So sad what we have to go through. What a school of hard knocks. Hugs for all of us. We are warriors, fighting the Ad demon and earning multiple purple hearts.
Thanks again for all your help and good wishes. Noise is very definitely a factor with him..hates the TV especially commercials which I mute all the time. I got him one of the WeeMotes, but he screws it up every time.
Yep, Marilyn, large shock out of the blue as it happened. Stacy is in California and was very upset to actually hear it happen. Very mellow today so far.
Hiding pills in food really wouldn't work now..he is very aware and really doesn't want to eat much of anything..perhaps down the line that will be an option should I need it.
Again, thank you all very much. Who needs this wake up call?
kathi have your dr write a rx for a liquid form if you have to= most anything can be compounded in a compounding pharmacy if it doest come in liquid from the companies.
It must be in the air! I had the exact thing happen (except not shoving)first thing this morning. Phone rang, answered it and it was my daughter. She works full time and never calls early! I was in the kitchen...when out of the blue he came storming in the kitchen and slamming papers on the counter. Got in my face and screamed we have to go NOW! and kept ranting and raving. He has not had a rage in about a year...so I was unprepared. I thought we were past that stage. Really messes up your day. He has always been the sweetest guy until AD.
Kathy do not try to hide the pills, you crush them up and melt them and blend them in. THe pharmacist will be able to tell you how to handle each different med. Believe me it can be a true life saver. The liquids are the best because the blend so well in juice and you know that they got it all. you will have to develop things and ways to do things that make it better for you. early on when he got too violent and I knew that he was not taking his meds (he was handling it all himself at first), I would call the doc office and they would call him and tell him that they were waiting for him. He was rage at me for not putting the "appointment" on the calendar, then when he got there, they would give him his meds in a shot. That worked for several years and now I am using the liquid.
My DH would hit me without warning. For the longest time I either became verbally aggressive back to him (doesn't work only aggrevates him more) or tried to distract him, which was only marginally successful. Neuro recommended having a word we could use to signal the situation was escalating and signal us both to stop. That didn't work for us either. Final recommendation from neuro was to buy pepper spray and spray him with it if he started becoming aggressive. Never got to use it. Finally one night he was halllucinating and VERY aggressive so I had no choice but to call the police. That was a nightmare because they admitted him into a psych hospital where they did nothing to help him and he got even angrier and worse. Have his Seroquel increased; it was the only thing for us to stop the rages.
Grannywhiskers...I'm so sorry...hope I didn't set a precident..not the kind wanted. G took his additional med (seroquel) without any comment this morning..hope it continues. We saw his Cardio Doc for a semi annual this morning, and he very nicely insisted that G get out walking again to help his body and attitude. He had just looked at the meds list I gave him , and I'm sure saw the seroquel as a new med since last visit. His father had ALZ so he is very aware. We'll see if he listens to him better than he has me.
Oh Kathi really feel for you! Your description brought back such vivid memories for me. Many have offered great suggestions here.
For the two years, prior to my husband being taken to hospital by police and then admitted to a facility, my sole focus was keeping us both safe. I lived in constant fear.
The man I married completely changed into a highly unpredictable guy who became paranoid, aggressive, and hallucinated regularly.
I did call the police and had them visit when my husband was away. I wanted them to know the situation so that if I called, they would know how to respond. So great your neighbor is a police officer.
I had a packed bag in my car at all times, and a plan with neighbors that I could go to their place or call 24/7. Went to bed with my keys in my housecoat pocket where my cell also was.
Initially I too was so angry. How dare he!? Then I learned my anger just escalated his behavior. I like the suggestions others offered you here.
You are entitled to your feelings however they manifest. As you go along this journey, you will learn how to handle things the best way. Like me, you might make some big mistakes however the intent for safety takes priority.
I used to have to leave regularly for respite from his unpredictability and found reasons to get away for a few days. He did not like that at all however it was key for me to be able to carry on. I visited a friend, spent time at a writer's conference, etc.
And, I found this amazing site which has been a life-line. Good for you for turning to us.
Sincerely all the best to you. Keep us posted on how things go.