Jim confided in his psych nurse today that he was contemplating suicide. The only thing holding him back was his religion (Catholic). He is now on the floor above Dylan and I am sitting here drinking too much wine. I mean WHY would he want to live, he knows the future, he knows how it's all going to end. That is the cruel twist of FTD. He knows....................................
oh dear susan. why you have to have something happen every day? ohmy, just always something dreadful -you have sooooo many hugs here i dont think they are working anymore! i good old fashion snot nose drunk as a skunk sounds better today and as good as its going to get ! go for it. then sleep it off friend. so sorry -again. divvi
Oh Susan, I don't know why you can't have a least one day of peace. Enjoy your wine, take a bath and try to relax tonight at least. They are both safe tonight with others to look after them. {{{Hugs}}}
Oh my dear Susan, my arms are around you, the rope is there for you. What more can I say??? It's so so terribly sad when they do "know". I'm so very sorry. Peace to you.
Oh Susan! So sorry! I swear, you just don't get a break. I hope you find the strength to deal with this and all else. Is there any chance they will keep him there?
Susan this may be a good thing. Jim may be able to get a good evaluation for a better med program. Will Jim and Dylan be able to visit with each other. In the mean time-here you are with more to worry about. Arms around you.
Prayers for strength and peace. Take a few deep breaths and do whatever helps you relax knowing that Dylan and Jim are getting the care they need right now.
Let them both be in the hands of the professionals for awhile, take a deep breath, stay home and drink another glass of wine, breathe in, breathe out. We are sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Hold on, girl. You will all get through this.
Susan, it's just possible that what you've been given is an opportunity to have some time at home to yourself, to regroup and recharge. Some respite. If so, I hope you can take advantage of it. Big hug.
After the shock wears off, I know this is little consolation right now, but praise the Lord he confided in someone before you had to find him. That would have been so much more horrifying.
Susan, I'm bringing my bottle of wine over and we'll share it too! I'm also adding some special cheeses and bread to go with it. And we'll sit and talk and tell tall tales and for a few hours, we'll forget the horrors of today. ((((HUGS)))) May tomorrow be better for you!
Susan, I hope today brings something (anything) better for you. It's terrible that you are getting hit with so much at once. Hopefully, they're both getting the help they need. Now, be sure and take care of yourself. We're all praying for you.
You all are my lifeline. I honestly don't know what I am doing..............I'm sitting here crying trying to read these posts. I know it's just one step at a time in order to survive. Thank you for all your support. I'm so lost. I'm so lonely, he doesn't want to come home, his dr thinks he should be placed. This is all happenning so fast. His neuro writing a letter today regarding his cognitive loses and need for placement. He is at the point where he has to be dressed,etc. Love you all. S
Susan, so very sorry for your pain but in our hearts we all know its best for you he be placed. so many to take for you have dylan and your mom as well. the time for placement will always be too soon in our minds but realistically they need to come earlier for many of us. once you have everyone where they can receive the help they need you will have time for susan, you desperately need that time for you to recharge. you must be mentally and physcially exhausted friend. sit back and try to let the professionals take charge now -its never going to be the 'right' time, but the necessary one. hugs for you and all of yours, divvi
Susan I am so sorry for yet an other upheaval in your life. Jim may do better knowing you won't have so much to worry about. It is tragic that he is so much aware of his disease.
Susan I am so sorry. Wish I could come hug you. Please get in the bath tub, lose the wine, and have a good cleansing cry. When the water gets cold. Towel off and start new. Take this a time of respite, treat yourself to something, a movie, a good book, a manicure/pedicure. Then get on with what you have to do. If they are recommending placement, then maybe this is the time to proceed. He is already "there" so you will not have to go thru the trama of driving him somewhere. One of my clients told me yesterday, that she sat her children down and said"listen to me, I am in my right mind today. When I need partial care place me. I know that will scream and not want to go then, but TODAY I am in my right mind and I am telling you that I want to be placed as soon as possible." That really go me to thinking. I added a clause to my medical power of attorney, that when I do need care I want to go to a facility. I do not want my children to go thru the anquish of deciding to place or wait. Maybe this is why Jim did what he did to go to the hospital?????????
I quite agree shellseeker. I am writing up instructions for my kids regarding also placing when I am not in my right mine and need 24/7 care. I am also going to include the clause "unless one of them needs the income and wants to take on my care at the rate of the cost of the NH that would be acceptable." Sometimes that would work out well for both concerned and they can have the option of trying that. I have a friend whose MIL and FIL were at the point they were no longer to care for themselves and needed placement or 24/7 care. She and her husband, who both work, she a nurse and he a Kroger Store MGR. offered the other children a deal where they would move into the elder's basement at X dollars a month and see to their needs, meals, etc. They lived 2 years and the son and wife lived in the basement with curtains for dividers during that time. A win win situation for both in their case.
Maybe this is gods way of saying enough Susan , you need to take care of yourself, that`s what happened to me when my children came to me and said they are contacting whoever they needed to cause it was making me sick taking care of him, it all happened so fast I didn`t have time to think about it, honey you already have him out of the house, you don`t have to take him anywhere, they will do it for you. maybe it is time. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))Gail
I didn't realize the difference in FTD & AD, where the FTD patient has an awareness that the AD patient doesn't. I don't even know if this is true in all cases or just in Jim's. Since he doesn't want to come home, seems like a good opportunity for placement, which would probably have been inevitable. Susan, you just have so much going on with others, especially Dylan, maybe this is a way to give you only what you can handle right now. Seems like the doctors have a handle on it, that should give you some peace, I hope.
I'm so sorry for your pain at this time. So much to deal with! My thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort are coming your way. As others have said, Jim and Dylan are safe tonight and you can care for yourself. Much Love your way, Susan B
My husband has FTD and doesn't have a clue what is happening to him. As long as his needs are met, he is happy. I don't even try to talk to him about it anymore.
I've managed to sleep alot today in spite of all the phone calls from both Dylan and Jim's case managers. They are all faxing drs and nursing homes. The wheel turns slowly. Not sure what is happenning with any of them. The drs do think that Dylan's meltdowns are due to losing his relationship with his Papa. They once were very close. His daddy is not the same person anymore. Dylan's noise irritates Jim and Jim's tone of voice sets Dylan off. I'm so very tired. I am still in my pajamas, sipping coffee with a sick feeling in my stomach. I know so many of you have already walked the walk, I am so greatful that you are all there with my special rope to hold onto. Love, Susan
Susan, I have been away from the site for a couple of days and just now seeing your posts. Please take care of you!! I echo much of what has been said here & was in a "live" support group meeting today where this was discussed as well. It's okay to place him...you'll get to see him and still help with him and his care IF you want to. And you NEEDED to sleep ALOT today! Your plate is full, but perhaps some of the others doing the faxing, etc. are going to get things in order so you will NOT have to worry about it all...Hugs to you!
Susan, I hope you are able to get some much needed rest. You need to be able to take your mind and heart off of both of them for at least 24 hours. I have you in my thoughts and prayers, and am asking that someone who can get you away, to please do so - for at least a little while. You have so much to worry about at once. (((((HUGS)))))
God Bless my Mom, she has been pampering me this afternoon. It has been blessedly quiet with just the two of us. Little Diego has been sad, missing his brother, so he was quiet today, watching movies and eating (he's almost 6, a growing boy). I don't HAVE to do anything until a meeting at the hospital for Dylan at 1:40 tomorrow. Then I will grab a bite with Mom and then we will visit Jim at 6pm. He just told me that the Case Mgr/Social Worker at the hospital is doing all the work that pertains to finding him a suitable Nursing Home. I can't believe that Tuesday night was our last night together. I wish I had known, it's so sad, how our relationship has changed, how he has changed, I miss the man he was.
((Susan)) I am sorry you are going through so much. Both ways suck! I don't think it would have been any easier knowing it was your last night. Maybe even harder, because everything they/you do, you think, this is the last time for each and every event.
I hope you take advantage of not having to do anything tonight. Rest and reload for tomorrow. I hope your meeting goes well tomorrow. ((hugs)) Nikki
Ok, what a day. Good news first. Dylan will be coming home early in the week. All involved in our meeting today agreed that his outbursts were most likely caused by the stress of Jim's behavior and trip in an ambulance, so many trips to the hospital in recent weeks and my Moms ambulance ride last week. The poor kid has visiting nurses coming and going, Papa always in a bad mood, etc. Then never knowing when the man who used to be his favorite guy in the world, will go away and not come home. Now, as I sit here worn out from crying, I will say this for the first time. Jim WILL be placed. I believe he will stay at the hospital until they can find an appropriate facility and then he will be moved when an opening at the VA occurs. The doctors all agree that he cannot, should not come home. Jim does not want to come home. He doesnt want to burden me. He doesn't understand that no matter how tired I get, I care for him out of love. I know this is best. It just hurts so damm much. My heart hurts, my arms ache, my tears won't stop. I can't believe that after all my life, waiting for him, it's gone, he is no longer who he was. The strong, tall, handsome man I fell so madly in love with is now a bloated, unsteady, shadow of his former self. Why God, oh why. Why the good ones.
There are no answers as to why any disease strikes anyone, but know that we all understand the hurt you are feeling. Alzheimer's Disease takes away the person we love and leaves, as you say, a shadow. We know it all too well. We are here to offer you a shoulder to cry on, and an understanding heart.
Susan......my problems and those of a lot of us are small compared to yours. Wow, you're earning some stripes.....wish we could make more sense of it all and just make it go away. We ARE all here for you.
Susan, I don't know how you handle everything you do. You are a superwoman to me; I hope these changes will make some things less stressful for you. Remember you have to take care of yourself too.
Susan, cry honey, that`s what I did and I`m sure everyone else who placed have cried and we still do at times, it is best for you and Dylan, I do hope you will be less stressful and be able to come to grips with the placement, yes, such a hard thing to do, if only we didn`t have to deal with this disease, I admire each and everyone of us for having the foritude to get through this, god bless us all. Gail
SusanL, I have been reading your posts and I don't know how you have managed to stand up with all that you have gone through. All I can do is pray for you and send you love and hugs. Please take care of yourself and believe that things will get better for you, Jim and Dylan. God Bless each of you. Jean
Susan, getting through the night is a great start for the new day. Sometimes the next hour can be overwhelming and one can only manage minute to minute. Keep on keeping on, friend. Hugs.
Dear Susan, I havent posted much. Things here have been too upsetting, but I just read this thread and wanted you to know I'm thinking of you too... And yes indeed getting through the nights..helps get us braced for the days. Admire your strengh and sheer guts. just so you know.