Hello all...... Our beloved golden, Reilly (13), is spending the night at the animal hospital while we make that dreaded decision. I won't go into the whole medical story, but he is declining. However, we just don't know what the problem is...........and he doesn't seem to be in pain.
My question is........and I'm open to all suggestions.........is how to help my husband through this? Our 2 goldens and bossy cat have been our life lines for the last 2 years. (Of course, our son, too) ---My husband just becomes hysterical when we talk about what might be the right decision for our dog. I just don't know how to handle this. I know it sounds trivial, but our animals are our family now.
its too touchy a subject for me to even delve into giving any advice Ann. my two chihuahuas are what keep me happy and sane while dealing with AD. i know they decline as well but how hard it is to have to make yet another life/death decision. if its possible you may want to get DH another dog similar to this one? to substitute in a way? i dont know any easy way to help them thru losing the pets. i know my DH adores his little dogs too. always talking and smiling at them. they know hes disabled but love him just the same. good luck with your decisionmaking. divvi
Ann, it is not trivial. I have been through the pain and many, many here have. I know it was more painful than when our parents died - weird huh? It sounds like you still will have pets at home which will make it somewhat less painful, but other than telling and seeing how it goes, I have no suggestion.
I know after 2 1/2 years we still miss our puppy. I still look out to where she is buried or walk over there and talk to her. I think this disease has gotten to Art, even in these early stages, cause he has talked of digging her up and seeing how decomposed she is. I told him flat out he is not.
Oh, Ann, my heart aches for you. I have no advice on how to help your DH deal with this. I know our Millie is DH's dog - she watches him all day long, sleeps with us at night, is our constant companion. DH has often said he didn't think he could go on if something happened to her. This is so hard on everyone. It isn't going to be easy, I know. Arms around.
Ann, Oh my, I'm with divvi on this one, too difficult. But her suggestion of finding a similar dog as a replacement sounds good. Would he know? Maybe another bossy cat? A kitten? If your husband becomes hysterical, best not include him in the decision making process. Animals are NEVER trivial.
Ann, I do NOT think I'd tell him that you chose to have Reilly put down. Oh, what a beautiful dog. Goldens will break your heart every time. I think it would be better, if you decide to do it now or later, to let him "go to the vet" and then " he died in his sleep." This is hard for you because you have to hide your own feelings.. but it will keep him from obsessing over it.
A Golden puppy is NOT something I'd recommend for someone caring for an AZ patient. After our last one I realized how very much hair there was all over the house... and it has been easier without her for him to trip over. Our last Golden, when she was 13, had bone cancer. I kept her until she could no longer walk. And then my daughter and I carried her 70 lb to the car, gave her a tranquillizer, and took her to the vet who had cared for her all her life. They came out with a doggie stretcher and loaded her on, all the vet techs weeping along with us. But Demi wasn't sad; she was with her friends. What more could she ask for!!
First of all, I took the "off topic" off, because this is related to Alzheimer's Disease. I don't know what stage your husband is in, so I can't say if he would "forget" the dog after he was told it died. I absolutely positvely agree with briegull on the "he died in his sleep" explanation. Your husband probably isn't capable of making the decision, and he won't understand why you made it. There is nothing you can do to spare him from the grief, but you don't need confusion and recriminations, so "he died" will have to be what you tell him.
But let me say to you - oh, how I understand what you are going through. It's been 3 years since we put our beloved Golden, Casey, out of his cancer misery, and neither one of us has gotten over it yet. Before that, it was our 14 year old Golden, Brandy, and the scene was exactly as briegull said - bone cancer, doggie stretcher, tears from everyone.
Ann-- Don't discuss the issue and decision in front of your DH any more. If you don't have a med on hand to help your DH with extra stress, see about one (temporary). Whtever you decide, and when,m the explanation is, "Riley went to the vet because he's very sick." Later, "Riley, passed away." The remaining pets may be enough to fill the void with a bit of time, especially if you play up the need to comfort them--they'll miss Riley too. Otherwise, it is not too soon for your DH (may be for you), to start looking for a "new friend"--NOT A REPLACEMENT. You could check out adoption events. Look for something more in the line of a lap companion. The time element won't affect yor DH as much, most likely.
When we got our 2nd Basset after losing the first to leukemia at 5 1/2 years, my DH wanted to give her the same name. I disagreed--"They aren't the same dog and deserve their own name. I was concerned he would expect the new dog to behave like the old one. Our first was "Ron's Schneefuss Tess" (Schneefuss=snowfoot; we called her Tess). The second, born at the beginning of July when Tess was being diagnosed, we named: "Tessie's Freedom Babe", because she was born to fill in for Tess when she had to leave us. We called her "Babe". Losing a "member of the family" is very hard. I am so sorry you'r facing this.
Ann, I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation. None of the options will be easy for you. I did want to share however an agency that may help if you decide to pursue another golden. I'm not sure where you live, but google golden retriever rescue and see what comes up. Last year, after DH had his heart attack, I found a rescue agency near us in southern VA. They rescue only goldens and when they are taken in to a foster family, the foster family assesses their personalities and habits. The agency also makes sure the dogs are in good health, or will fully disclose any needs they may have. We found the most perfect golden who was 3 1/2 years old, but had led a hard life. She's missing all her front teeth as she bit all her fur off to try to scratch the fleas she had on her hind end, she'd had a couple littlers of pups, had heartworm and (still) has a bullet lodged in her backside. But, she was in great health by the time they opened it up for her adoption and she has been the absolute best dog we have ever had. Her foster family completely socialized her and she came to us without a single bad behavior. Further, she adores DH and even when he thinks he hasn't walked her yet, she never lets on that he has and that the next walk will be her 4th of the day!!!
So, if you decide you want another golden, please look into the rescue league idea. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Oh, the joyful nature of Goldens! On Monhegan there are two who live at the local gift/coffee house, the Black Duck, and last week a couple of others were visiting. It was like being surrounded with golden fleece! I agree with rescue league; there is a new england - Yankee Golden Rescue.
Well, if you want to get my waterworks going, just speak of Goldens dying and I'm there.
We have not yet had to say goodbye to either of our Goldens but years before dementia came to live here DH & I decided that when the time came the vet would come to the house and put them down here at home where the animal was most comfortable and then have the body removed by the vet for later cremation and disposal. Not easy but our preferred way to say goodbye. After all the joy our animals have brought us, we believed giving them a peaceful death at home was the least we could do.
Our beloved kitty Grey-C was euthanized on May 13, right here at home, in my lap with DH sitting nearby. She may have been slightly damp after all my tears falling on her but she took her last breath with my hands holding and stroking her and my voice in her ear telling her what a good kitty she was.
This cat was DHs very best pal. She slept with him nearly all day. I had to be the one to make the decision that it was "time" -- his judgment is as gone as his reason button. Any discussions or explanations of her illness or the need to put her down brought fierce opposition from him and much negative emotion. As to his behavior at the actual event, he did not cry, or have much to say and showed no major emotion during or following the process. Only once since May 13 has he spoken of her and that was to say "I wish we hadn't killed Grey-C". In the future I won't even try to include him in the decision process, I will just explain what is going to happen and why.
Our 3 remaining critters are all aging and there will be more of these gut-wrenching moments in the years to come but I plan to do as we did with Grey-C regardless of DH or his condition and I don't plan to replace any of them as they leave us. They are each, in their own way, irreplaceable.
Oh, Ann, so sad. You love your critters like crazy and they leave a hole in your heart when they depart. My first thought on reading your post, and which others have expressed very clearly, was that your DH shouldn't be expected to make a decision about Reilly. Even simple decisions can be so stressful for an AD LO, and this is not simple. It seems to me what others have said, just telling him, when the time comes, that Reilly died, is sound advice.
If you decide to get another dog, this is a time when people are giving up older, settled, trained dogs to animal shelters. You might be able to find one that would fit easily into your household.
For what it's worth, it always helps me to remember that animals do not fear death as people do, do not mourn a life they anticipate losing, don't regret dreams never fulfilled. My golden is 11. I will have to face the same decision some day. My heart goes out to you.
Oh, yes, if you decide you simply must have another Golden, (but I would think your plate is perhaps full enough without adding another pet) please rescue. After we got our first GR as a pup (conformation show dog from championship lineage) we got involved in the local GR rescue and fostered several. Our second GR, Sissy, was a rescue that we fostered and later adopted.
Big hugs to you as you ponder how best to say goodbye to Reilly. It is so difficult to let them go to Rainbow Bridge.
Oh Ann, my heart breaks for you. I also had to put down a beloved Boxer, Elmo. The light of our life. We still haven't gotten over it. That was before dh's dx. We did get another Boxer and now have rescued a really sweet mixed Border Collie that dh took a liking to. The dogs fill his life and give him pleasure, so I think it is worth it. I have no advice other than if your husband gets hysterical at the thought of putting down your golden, you probably should not include him in the decision. This will be hard on you of course because you will have to shoulder twofold. The decision and the deception. I am sorry....M
Every time I go through the agony of losing a pet I say-no more. Until another one needs a home. I was losing my very senior cat when my husband was destructing. I cried and begged my boy to stay with me. I needed him so much. I almost drowned him with my tears. I fed him baby meat from my finger just to keep him going. Two years later he is still with me.
You are all so understanding...........I can't thank you enough!
I did re-read my post and I didn't mean to say that my husband is involved in this decision. He knows that Reilly is getting older and his movements are becoming more difficult. However, my husband's one and only job is to let the dogs outside........YES! We do have 2 goldens........Gracie is our 2 year-old and is actually Reilly's great-great niece........(yes, they actually keep track).
-----Our border collie (rescue dog) died suddenly 3 years ago. This was right before my husband's diagnosis. I do remember so clearly how he (my husband) fell apart when this happened. I knew he was attached to all of our animals, but this was not him........He didn't want to get another dog, but I did. Reilly was so depressed without his life-long buddy. Our son was at college, my husband was working all the time and I was lonely. Ahhhh....the good ole days! So, he agreed to another golden if from the same kennel as Reilly. My goodness, after seeing them all, how could he resist anyway? ----Now our saving Gracie...............(So She Dances)---She is the reason that my husband admitted that perhaps something was wrong. Very long story, but due to my mother being diagnosed with cancer right after we got Gracie, and I was spending so much time caring for her, my husband was feeding the puppy. Suddenly she started to vomit all of the time, however, didn't lose weight. Eventually I figured out why....My husband was over-feeding her. He no longer could count. He was giving this little puppy up to 5 cups of food, 3 times a day. Funny, she didn't refuse the food either. Anyway, after it dawned on me what was happening, he called the doctor and said he needed help. He said he'd never hurt Gracie. Soon thereafter the diagnosis of Alzheimers.
So, back to Reilly. He's the best.......and loves his daddy. Because of my husband's medical background, he wanted to talk medications with the vet. Yes, he still knows his medications, he just can't count them. So, in that respect, he is involved. I don't know how to explain it, but in some respects, he still needs to be included in this. He doesn't understand so many things, but this is something he needs to be involved in.......Yes, he is going to fall apart, but so will I. ----I can't get around not telling him, since the dogs and cat are such a large part of his life and perhaps the only part in which he truly feels needed.
I'm going to sleep on this. Reilly hasn't given me the "look" yet. We are trying one more medication first. He is still aware of his surroundings, but there has been an on-going neurological problem. If I knew exactly what we were dealing with, maybe it would be easier? As my husband said today.......Reilly may not have total control over his body, but he has his mind.......something I don't. How sad, but true.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.....My head is so confused tonight, not to mention a sinus infection and an abscessed tooth!
You are all great! Ann
PS--folly* What beautiful words........Thank you!
And no more pets......I need to think of longterm care for my husband and I just couldn't leave them behind.
There was a vet show on tv a while ago and the question to the vet was "when was the time to let a pet go, if they are aged or ill". He suggestions was to think of 2 or 3 things the pet like the most, whether it was sleeping in the sun on the porch or chasing a ball, etc. When the pet can no longer enjoy those things, it is time to let go.
Well, it wasn't Reilly's time to leave this Earthly world. After spending the night at the animal hospital, an evaluation and a new med.......Reilly came home! Naturally, we are thankful, but realize that we don't know what will happen tomorrow. Reilly's niece, Gracie, is beside herself with a happiness and the bossy cat, Roscoe, actually spent quality time staring at Reilly as only a cat can do.
It has been a very long day of decision making and I do feel the right one was made..........for now. The vet doesn't not feel Reilly is in pain and overall, is in good general health. He even seems to have his mind! But his body (spinal stenous) is failing him. Hopefully, with the help of this last chance medication, we can help Reilly to live the rest of his life happy and pain free.
Thanks so much for your support! It means so much. I'm sure I'll be back!
More details a bit later..........Reilly's mom is tired!
Reilly's Mom, hang in there. Sure hope Reilly stays with you a while longer.
I have a question: you often see pets recommended for Alz patients, and I was thinking of getting a dog. We always had dogs while our kids were growing up, but later we were travelling a lot and decided not to. Siem has always loved dogs. This year I volunteered to watch a friend's dog while she was away for a few days, because I thought it would be fun for Siem. Kuro is a sweet and affectionate mongrel, and we have known him for a while, he's stayed with us before. This time, however, Siem would only take him out the first day. After that he didn't want to have anything to do with the dog, would hardly play with him and seemed to be angry at him. He says I should tell my friend that we won't take care of Kuro anymore. Now I'm worried about how things would work out if we got one. Has anyone else encountered atypical animosity towards animals as part of AD? Jeanette
I was so touched by these posts. We lost our two cats last summer one 13 the other 14. It was so hard. Against Jim's wishes I came home with TWO kittens a couple of weeks later. The boys named the little guys, who were brothers from the same litter, Peanut Butter and Jelly. They became the focus of all Jim's affection. Our 11 yr old dog, Holly and the now yr old psyscho kittens are wandering around lost without Dylan and JIm. Dylan is especially attached to Holly and Peanut Butter. Jelly will sit with whoever is sitting or hide and swat you as you go by :o) I know most nursing homes allow pet visits, but right now the hospital doesn't.
Jeanette I have not encountered the animosity you talked about. Jim took right to the kittens, even though he said Just ONe!
Jeanette, my DH loved his little chihuahua like a child several yrs ago. early in the disease he adored this dog and carried him everywhere! never put him down, then as the disease progressed he dissed and kicked at the dog when he tried to sit with him. it was heartbreaking to watch the little dog feel rejected. he turned to me for a couple of yrs. after DH got off meds that seemingly made him aggressive about 2yrs ago, he has returned to being the kind, loving , friend to his dogs again. i am so happy! that dog actually 'smiles' alot when he sits on DH lap. it can happen they turn against the animals in the home. lucky of us it was temporary. divvi
Divvi, thank you for responding. I'm very glad to hear that your DH regained his affection for the dog. I am hoping that when my DH gets some anti-anxiety medication he will have an easier time of it (and me too). I'm working on that.
Jeanette, I'm glad to know there's someone else out there who has had this reaction. DH carried our Reilly (a Boston Terrier) everywhere in the house before he was dx'd with FTD last July. When he was in ALF he kept constantly looking for his little buddy, so I thought sure the love affair would continue when he came home. It has not and it's heartbreaking. Our Reilly wants to pick up where they left off (constant companions) but DH gets angry, yells at dog, kicks and hits him if he won't move away from DH. Poor Reilly is so bewildered - he doesn't know why he's not "Dad's" constant companion anymore. So he tries harder to get his love and attention and the harder he tries, the more aggressive DH gets towards him. DH is on Seroquel, neurontin and klonopin, yet he still has aggression towards his dog. I have to closely monitor any interaction to insure the dog does not get injured.
Jeanette, I talked my husband into letting ME buy a little dog after 15 years of marriage. I researched every dog breed and determined that a Havanese (aka Havana Silk Dog) was the one for me. I owned tht dog about 30 minutes before he was in my husband's lap. I had a kennel for him to sleep in....and all the other appropriate accessories upon his arrival at home. An hour after we put him in his little kennel box with the torn blanket from his mother and littermates, I realize that husband had "rescued" him and he was curled up in our bed where it was "warmer". They are inseparable. Part of my husband's day is spent walking around to see where he is. It's summertime in Texas and very warm. Our little dog loves to sprawl out on the cool ceramic tile floor beneath an end table. Husband still wants him to sit in his chair beside him.. and yes! 4-1/2 years later, he still sleeps in our bed - right in the middle. He is such a joy to my husband and his antics keep him amused. Tigger is still a little dog, 15 lbs., so he's not hard to handle, he's very very affectionate and quiet. (Unless the doorbell rings).
Perhaps because he came to us as a little 10 week old lap dog was the difference. MY dog has a job. Taking care of Paw! He does a good job too.....and follows him all over the house.
Thank you, Nancy. Dh's brother was suggesting tonight that a small dog might work better. Kuro is pretty big. He was also saying that the local humane society lets you take the dog home for a few days on a trial basis to see if it's going to work. Right now DH is adamantly against all idea of a dog so I'm going to let it rest for a while (and then maybe, when I'm ready, just go out and get a dog for ME).
LFL- thats sad. i know where you are coming from with the bewildered look from the animal. yes you have to make sure your pet doesnt get hurt in the fury of the disease. try to make up for it by giving more affection on your end :) maybe at some point things will get back to as they were.. i xxxx hope so! divvi ps mine did learn to stay out of DH way during that time.. they know -
Anne, I'm really glad about Reilly coming home and feeling better. l know that it is SO hard to loose a pet. John's dog, Sam, died a three years ago and he was devastated. Sam was very sick, old, and seemed to "leak" from every orifice in his body....he had cancer and we kept him comfortable at home. John didn't want to have him put down. I put the dog in the garage because of all the mess he'd make.....he died within two days. John swears I killed him. Replaced Sam with two Fox Hounds. John still has a relationship with them (remembers them and calls them 'good dogs') but HATES MY NEW CAT, 'Rip'. My old cat, "Dottie" died this past year. John loved her. She was a Cornish Rex .... the last of the brood I used to raise for showing. I had her put down after a long illness and IMMEDIATELY purchased my Sphynx. John used to love Dottie's playfulness and snuggly companionship....Rip is the same way, but John certainly resents her and will swat her away. I think that , yes, he is jealous of her relationship with me. He tried when he came home to get her to stay off the bed with me.....I told him that HE was the stranger, according to Rip, and that she figures SHE'S the one that belongs here!!! John really has no relationship with any creature anymore, not even me, unless its in a forced situation. I'd even thought of selling all my horses and getting a pair of miniature horses and a cart. Thought that may be good for him and make him want to go outside and do something with me. He is soundly opposed to that idea, no question about it. It woiuld be a waste (and one MORE lonely activity for me ). I've accepted that he'll never "develop" any interests and is okay in his world, I guess. I'M the one that's suffering, not John and his lack of animal companionship.
I have been avoiding this thread because I love animals so much. I was fearful I would burst into tears. I was right, I did! Though sad, the love shared was precious to read. Thanks for shaing your babies with us. I wont tell you how many pups I have, you all think I am crazy enough *wink. Lynn too has always had a great love for animals. We have rescued many many fur-angels. His face still lights up when they bring the therapy dogs into see him. :)
Ann, I was so glad to read about Reilly! *whew
As the saying goes, the more I get to know people, the better I like my dogs! lol
Update on Reilly.........Gosh, I'd love to bottle his strength to go on! He has been getting up on his own, going up and down stairs (what's with that?), eating and seems to SMILE! Okay.......I know it is the medication talking, but he seems to be comfortable. His general health and mind are fine.......It is his body that's giving out. (He is pushing 14)
I am treasuring ever moment with him. I know this won't be forever, but as long as he isn't suffering, we'll take what we can! Even the cat is happy and that NEVER happens! LOL
Thank you again for all of your support. I don't know what I would have done without you!
reilly must be feeling all the good vibes from all of the pet lovers here! go reilly! all of us who have geriatric pets know they are on a timeline. hugs to reilly and you! divvi
Now, it is the cat.......Rushed him to the vet this morning and am awaiting blood test results tomorrow morning. He won't eat, drink or pee. This is the cat that has slept with me more years than my husband. What's happening here? I feel as if the cloud continues to grow and darken.........
Had a talk with my 2 year old Golden, Gracie, and warned her that she was to stay at the age she is now.....2!
Sorry, just had to vent for a bit......With no help with my husband, and now the animals going one by one.......I'm ready to crack!
Ann, I am so sorry to hear about Roscoe, hopefully the vet will nail it and it will be managable. I thought I had almost lost my 17 and 1/2 year old 3 years ago. She has IBD but the vet was able to bring her back and with her prednisone and Pepsid AC she is doing great. The vet tells me that if he didn't know her age he would put her at about 14. They can do so much for them these days, it is like a mini miracle.
Roscoe's kidneys aren't working. He's at the hospital on an IV to see if the fluid will kick them back into working again. I can't believe this is all happening. I know they are animals, but geez.......Reilly is 13 and Roscoe is 17. Both have had healthy, long lives, but I think we are at a point of saying enough is enough. Reilly is starting to suffer......He wasn't yesterday. So, I don't know what to do. Just feel overwhelmed.
As I mentioned to the vet, I've slept with Roscoe more than my husband! (not that ---that means much) LOL
Ann so sorry for your pain. i know how hard it is to make decisions for our pets =your vet will guide you into the whats right and the time for it. divvi
Just wanted to let you know that our beloved dog, Reilly, died today. As sad as we are, he is now at rest.........I would imagine my father has feed him at least one bag of potato chips by now, my mother is cooking whatever he'd like, and his best friend, Stanley is asking what took him so long.
Our cat, Roscoe, is home for the night, but not doing well. However, he did give Reilly his last wish by peeing in front of him. (He hasn't urinated on his own for 3 days)
Our animals are such a part of our family........I'm just finding out how difficult it is to mourn when you are worried about your LO's reaction.
oh ann, i am so sorry for your pain of losing dear little Reillly. they are such a warm part of our lives and its like losing a family member. on top of caring for AD its just another notch of super grief. hugs. divvi