My husband has been a pastor for 32 years. Because of his memory and cognitive impairments he is having to retire next month, several years before he expected to. He doesn't want to talk to anybody about it because "it won't change anything". Anyone out there who can share your experiences or advice on helping a spouse adjust to early retirement?
Sid had to retire early for the exact same reasons as your husband. At the time, he was still driving, but had no friends who were retired. He went from working 60-80 hours a week for 35 years, to doing nothing in one day. He had been a workaholic his whole life, so he had no hobbies and no interests. I was still working, and we settled into a routine where he became the "house husband". He did all of the shopping, errands, and laundry, and surprisingly didn't mind.
It took about 6 months for him to find a volunteer activity he liked - he joined the town zoning board, which kept him busy enough. Then we decided to move to Florida, so cleaning 30 years of accumulated junk and packing kept him busy for another 6 months.
It will be a difficult adjustment. I would advise letting him work it out on his own time. You can suggest volunteer activities and house projects, but until he comes to terms with his "retirement", he may fight you on whatever ideas you come up with. He may withdraw for awhile. You'll have to be calm and supportive, and keep trying to find activities that may interest him.
ChrisS----in my DH's case, he had to retire at age 53 from a very high profile job as a lawyer, and everyone in our circle of friends knew. That turned out to be a blessing, because while he could still drive, he went to lunch 2-3 times a week with friends, and it was touching how many of his friends reached out to him. Of course, he was also calling people to arrange these lunches himself. Then, like Sid, he became our family's errand-runner, and for the first 6 months after his diagnosis, he picked our daughter (15 at the time) up from school daily since I was working. He went on two mission trips with our church, one more this year with me along because of his decline. He also visited his aging parents out of state several times. Now that he cannot drive and is declining further, his friends come here for lunches and not as often but my DH also doesn't care as much because his world is shrinking. SO, I guess if you are saying your husband doesn't want people to know about his retirement, or maybe the reason why, you need to decide if telling certain friends anyway might be necessary. FYI, I could not get my husband involved in any new volunteer stuff, although I tried, but he was on 1-2 boards, and kept going to those meetings until earlier this year when he declined so much he lost interest. The other board members all knew about the disease and kept him on the board "ex-officio". Bottom line, friends are what made his adjustment easier----I probably wasn't much help because I was dealing with the mess AD had created AND still raising two daughers----but i feel like I had @ two years to adjust, catch my breath, and get adjusted to being a caregiver.
My husband isn't nor ever was a pastor....but I have a neighbor down the lane that is. He retired from his callling for some time to persue a career with his sons as a custom home builder....then later came back to the church. Greg is of sound mind, not like our spouses......but, even though your husband was asked to retire, isn't there SOMEplace he could fit in, serving the church? Assistant pastor, assistant youth minister, ANYthing? Does he still have an interest in his calling?
Chris - sorry he has to retire but there are still many areas he can serve the Lord. He can help out at church, do home visits, visit the sick in hospitals and nursing homes, etc. Even though he has not talked about it to you, maybe you can talk to pastors in your church to bring up ideas of where he can still serve.
My husband is not a pastor but always a head usher until he quit so we could travel in our RV. We came back last fall and I got tired of him being isolated and bored, no contact with others. I asked one of our pastors if there was something he could do around the church. He now volunteers driving one day a week guest to and from the airport. He really enjoys it and will probably start doing 2 days a week. (Our church bought a 'seedy' motel, renovated and that is our ministry - to the traveler and most of all the neighborhood. There are now about 5 such ministries around the country).
So, don't hesitate to suggest to your husband or go talk to the pastors.
Good ideas from other posters and made me think that if there is not a church that could use his talents, perhaps a community outreach type program. Seems like he would still have much to offer.
For my DH, he had already retired from one job and was delivering pizza for his other job. almost 3 years ago now he called me on the phone from a stop sign and said that he didn't know whether he had just delivered a pizza or still had to deliver a pizza and he didn't know how to get back to the pizza place. 10 minutes later he called me back and said he was fine and found his way back. I knew he had to quit but the only way that he could is for us to sell our house and live off the sale of the house and move into a senior apartment complex. It was very hard for me to do. I loved my house but we had to do it and I tried, sometimes successfully and sometimes not to help him to deal with his need to retire. As soon as I adjusted to it then everything was fine. I had to do all the work of course because stress makes his dementia worse. That was the hardest 6 months I have had so far but I did it because I love my DH and he deserves to be taken care of now the best that I can. No, I can't do it as well as I would like to but I just do the best I can.
A lot of good advice here. My husband wasn't asked to retire. The church has been wonderful through the last 4 years - including full salary. We just knew it was taking way too much energy from him to get little done. The elders have already said they want him to stay involved and we will. I just thought it might help him to talk through his sadness at leaving his job - way more than a job...his life. But he says talking about it won't change anything. You can tell he isn't a woman! His problem is common knowledge and has been for a couple of years. I think Joan is right - let him deal with it at his own pace. But there are times when I see tears and that is so hard for me to handle.