An old friend of DH's whom he hasn't seen in over 10 years flew in from CA on business and had arranged with me to go and see him at the nursing home during her visit. She was supposed to go with his old friend he'd worked with for years. I'd been tying myself in knots for the past week or so, feeling that I didn't want this woman to see him like he is now. I tried to describe his current state to her in our phone conversations and her grandfather died of Alzheimers, so she has some understanding, but still, DH is nothing like he was when she knew him.
Finally, on Sat., my sister voiced what I had been feeling, when she asked if he would want his friends to see him like this, and whether I should be concerned with preserving his dignity. I finally called her and explained that he just isn't doing well lately (which is true, he's still talking but has been getting very agitated, yelling, etc.) and wasn't up for a visit.
(DH is much more alert these days, but rants on and on and makes no sense. It's as if snapshots of his life come back to him in a steady stream and he reacts. Sometimes he yells out, sometimes he sings or seems to relate pieces of conversations. Not much that I can make any sense of.)
We met for lunch anyways. She gave me a picture of DH taken before we met. I started to cry. Even his friend from work started to tear up and I don't get the feeling he shows emotion like that often. They also gave me a card and a very generous VISA gift card from the woman and DH's co-workers where he used to work. I did get the sense that they understood. It was just so emotional, especially when she was telling stories of her time with DH, his great sense of humor. In a way, it felt like he had already passed.
Even though I feel I did the right thing, it was so hard. DH started to cry when I went back to the NH and brought him the pic, although I'm not sure he could focus on the picture, I got the feeling he understood that I had seen his friends.
I cried off and on most of the rest of the day yesterday. It was like a scab had been ripped off a wound. I try not to think back too much on our life together before the disease took over, but yesterday I couldn't help it. I felt sorry for him and myself. I started thinking about how I'd rather not be here without him, how I don't really feel alive most days, I just try to get through each day. I know the boys need me. I know I sound depressed. I can't help it sometimes.
Anyways, thanks for "listening". I hope we all have a peaceful week.
Kelly, there's not much I can say, except you did what you thought was right (and I agree), and this disease sucks. We have to make these awful decisions almost on a daily basis. All I can do is send you a big ((((HUG)))) I wish you a peaceful week as well. ~Di
Kelly, I think you made the right decision. So far, only immediate family have gone to visit Charlie and I sometimes think even that is too much. I get the feeling sometimes that he does not like others to see him this way and I am trying to keep company to a minimum.
I think if they could make that decision themselves they would not want to be seen in the state they are in. rather preserve the way they 'used to be' int he eyes of their friends and loved ones. in our case here too, only family come to see DH. i think its too hard on his old buddies to see him like this. its ok. DH would agree- i think i would want this for myself as well-divvi
Kelly, you made the right decision on them not seeing him.
What a wonderful gift you were given in the stories that they told you and that they cared enough to take the time to see you and pass along the giftcard. I love it when someone tells me stories about my husband because it helps to remind me of the person that he was and who I fell in love with.
Kelly, I know how sad you must feel. I, too, think you did the right thing. If it was me in the NH and in that condition, I really wouldn't want anyone to see me. I know my DH wouldn't. He's always been such a snappy dresser and likes to be clean and tidy. My hairdresser comes to the house about once a month and cuts my hair. She also cuts DH's, trims his eye brows and shaves out his ears. He loves to look in a mirror afterward to make sure he looks ok.
I know you made the right decsion. Try and rest in the fact that you preserved his dignity. Blessings.
Kelly, I too feel that you made the right decision. The same thing happened with my dad. Everyone was curious as to "how does he look"? b/c of that we decided to have a closed casket at his service. He would not have wanted anyone, no even us his children to look at him in the state he was in. It is possible that he did not recoginze the pic and just felt that it was appropriate to cry at the sight of the picture. My heart also goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for all the support and reassurance. Now that it's past, I do feel I did the right thing.
We all try to be strong and get through each day, but there are times I feel like I just can't do it, I'm sure you all know what I mean. Sometimes, "one day at a time" doesn't cut it, it's one hour at a time! Sun. was like that.