I am having a hard time to clear out dh`s room, all his stuff is still in the dresser and closet, on his nightstand, how do you do it, he is still living I feel like if put it away I am losing him forever. I just can`t make any decision on this my smile is turned upside down on this one. Gail
Don't do it if you don't feel ready. Who says you have to clear out his room at all until you either need it or you want to move forward? Go do something fun instead.
marygail i downsized closets too and taking clothing out they used to love to wear and things is a tug on the heart. i found just boxing it up and moving to another closet for a while makes it out of sight and easier to move 'again' later after the feelings have subsided some. i have given lots of older clothing/ suits/shoes away like this. somehow moving to another par tof the house is good for me first before completely relinguishing it for good. divvi
mary gail I feel your pain. My husband is still alive but his closet is filled with stuff he will never use or wear again. My kids ask why I don't get rid of it. What they don't understand is that every piece of stuff is a memory of what used to be.
oh isn`t that true bluedaze it`s like giving a piece of you heart away, my children haven`t asked me that yet but maybe they feel some of the pain I do, they are all married so maybe they can put themselves in my place and understand how I can`t get rid of his things, they all know to well it could happen to them some day. Thanks everyone for advice I feel a little better now. Gail
Gail, take your time. It doesn't sound like you're ready. If having his things there gives you comfort, leave them. You'll know when he time is right. ((Hugs))
I am going through the same thing as you. ((hugs))
I placed Lynn on Feb 17th, and I still can't sleep in our bedroom. My goal is to try to make the room mine. I am trying to come to terms with the fact, that though he is alive... he is already gone. I want to keep mementos of our life together...but, I want to remove all of his clothes. I just can't find the strength.
I think clearing out the room will be easier now, than when he passes. My brain sees the logic in this, but I can't be in the room more than a few minutes without falling apart.
If we lived closer, I could do yours and you could do mine. Since we can't do that, do you have a friend who could help you? Perhaps even the children? It wouldn't be as intimate for them, maybe they will help you? ((hugs))
marygail, I have not even attempted to move any of Charlie's things yet. I had been doing some sorting and getting rid of things the past few months just as I do every year or two, but I havn't moved anything of his since I placed him 2 weeks ago. I live alone now and I figure "what's the hurry?". Yes, it might be easier now than when he passes but I hope that is still a long way off and I will move things little by little as I get ready. Right now I am still numb.
My sister's husband died suddenly and within days his clothing was all given to charity, etc. She loved him, it's just that she is such a 'spectacular' housekeeper, everything in it's place, wash on Mom, iron on Tues, drawers, closets always in perfect order, etc. She always does the 'right' thing--unused things to charity, etc. Wears me out.
I never thought about giving DH's clothes away when he was in a facility and after he died they stayed right where they were for several years until DIL cleaned them out for a yard sale. When I sold his car, I had to turn away, I could not bear to see it towed away from home. Your life, your decision, do whatever makes you comfortable, no law says you have to do things a certain way. Let it be for now, you'll know when the time is right--and, yes, it's a heartache either way.
((ehamilton)) IMHO, 2 weeks isn't enough time to come to terms with this life altering event. I never even stepped foot in our room until last week...almost 5 months after placing him. We each know what we can "handle" take it at your own pace. We are here for you ((hugs))
so maybe if I do it alittle at a time it will be easier, I also live alone, I placed Bob on April 2nd seems like it just happened, i sleep in his bed once in awhile when I feel lonley maybe I should stop doing that but his sent is still there in his pillow, gee it it so hard to give him up, you would think having him in the nh would be easier but it`s not, I know it`s the right place for him . I think I will start by clearing off the dresser top, it`s a start right. Gail
Bit by bit I am giving my husband's clothing away slowly to a gal who passes them out to the homeless. Knowing the donation is helping some one makes it easier (somewhat)
((Betty)) When my Dad died last year, my Mom cleaned out the room the very next day. Every piece of clothing was giving to either us children or charity. She gave us things she thought would be special to us, and things Dad had said he wanted us to have. The room was done in a day. She closed the door and has never been in there again. She says she never will. We each handle our pain differently. There is no right or wrong.
This is one of the things that it really depends on what you are ready to do. Does it matter if it takes you a day, a week, months or years to clean out their stuff - no it doesn't unless having it there is preventing you from moving on with your life. When you are ready, you will find the appropriate homes for their stuff.
I have kept the clothes that I think he might use some day and given most of the rest to charity. There is still more to do but like divvi a bit at a time and what I am ready for. We have always had a very practical streak in us and felt that if we couldn't or wouldn't use something again, it was time to find it a better home. We also had his and her closets so I didn't have to open the closet and see all of his stuff missing every time I went into it. Seeing a closet that was half empty might have made it harder for me.
I do have things that I haven't been able to let go of yet. He was a terrific amateur photographer. We have several of his photos all over the house. Those mean a lot to me and I haven't wanted to change them.
Paint and making things over my way have also helped a lot.
He will always be in my heart. I treated finding the right home for his stuff as a tribute to him and always asked myself who would he want to have this or where would he want it to go. If that didn't work, then the question was who is this appropriate to?
My husband is still living and still living at home. At this point I've looked at some things in his drawers and closets that I know he will never use again - suits, a real chef's jacket, pullover sweaters (can't handle pullover sweaters anymore). When the time comes I probably will be able to just pack it all up and get rid of it all. But, then again, maybe not.
What has worked for me in the past is to box things up and get them out of sight. Then at some later time, I can just look at the label on the box and make a decision without ever opening it up again. Maybe even have a "burn date" on it just like I did with old office files back when I was an office manager.
But we are all different. This is just me. And I'm fully aware that this is going to sound pretty weird to a lot of people.
Starling, I keep a couple empty boxes around and whenever I happen to see "something" I know he won't ever wear or use again, I put it in the box. I mark the boxes with "donate", give to_____, or whatever. Then when a box is filled, I get rid of it. I even do this with my stuff! I have weeded out soooooo much 'stuff' by doing it this way.
I am beginning to see the benefit in the fact I haven't been able to sleep in the same room as my DH. When the time comes, I will still be able to sleep in my room. My DH has gained so much weight that I have had to go through his clothes and find what fits. I got rid of what was junk and put the stuff he might use later (if he loses weight) up and out of the way. I had moved all of his clothes up to his room, but moved it back into our closet because he always showers in our bathroom. I hope that decision doesn't come back to haunt me.
My prayers go out to those of you who are walking through this part of the process. There are so many painful parts of the journey! I am so very glad that God is here to help us all!
My heart breaks for all of you going thru this. I got a taste of it when I recently had the house decluttered and organized. The professional asked what if any clothes of hers I wanted to get rid of.....I looked at them all for a short minute and said "None...I'll do that at some later time". Even with her here at home, I couldn't face it. It seems different from just picking out a few things to give to a charity that called for donations.
Joe, you had the house professionally "decluttered"? That sounds great, how did it work? I am terrible about decluttering, I clean out a drawer and discard a couple things, but the drawer is just as full afterwards.
I haven't been able to get rid of the stuff DH will never use again, but putting stuff in boxes does sound like a good idea. Thanks, Starling.
It was a very emotional and expensive thing to do, Jeanette, but well worth it, and something I could never have done by myself. I worked hand in hand with her, going through everything, and now the house is very efficient, neat, and easy to clean. The kitchen was the hardest...she took everything out of cabinets and drawers and pantry and put them on the counter tops and table, then cleaned and organized (and threw out or donated) everything. Caregiving easier now too, due to same concept. Now I can have someone in to clean the carpet finally!
Heck, when John was gone to Florida (and I didn't think he was going to be able to come back and I was so discouraged) I did a bad, bad thing......I went through all the closets and dressers and CLAIMED THEM FOR MY OWN! Put all my own stuff in those new empty spaces!!! AAAAAAHHHH, the luxury! Folded everything of his up neatly and put it all in labeled boxes, put those in the garage, up on 2x4's so the moisture from the concrete floor wouldn't get to anything. Asked his sister where to send it all....never a response, so I just hauled it all to GoodWill. Done. Yep, I DID THAT. No hard feelings, either. Now, okay, he's home again. But he's such skin and bones, I've had to buy him new clothing anyhow......from a size 38 to 40 to a size 30 to 33 in pants. Medium shirts to small. Underwear wouldnl't have fit well, either. How much does he need, anyway. All he does is sleep or go to the doctor or grocery shopping with me once a week. Sorry I seem so heartless....just practical. On an UP note, I had to help my parents clean up and downsize recently. It was a hard thing for my mom to help dad thin out his "clothes-horse" wardrobe....I brought all of his beautiful silk ties he's collected during the years he was working and did something wonderful with them.....I'll put a picture of it on my facebook (under Jennifer Canton, I think, if not Stunt Girl) page if anyone is interested in seeing it......it's called "My Father's Ties". A very large art quilt.
So you know what I'm talking about, StuntGirl. I swear, you are a piece of work, and I do mean work, work, work. You need a rest, and someone to rub your back.
and my FEET and calves......and there's this place on my back I can't reach anymore 'cause of when I broke my SCAPULA...wing bone... and it was never fixed. T-Joe.....John used to always tell people in the community that I was worth "two mules".....an old southern expression here that means "a real hard worker"....."works enough for a team", that kind of thing. I swore that I would never EVER let anyone tell me that again.....so, careful! I don' wanna be the one doing all the work forever!!!
marygail----I was glad to see you start a thread on this, having spent the weekend going through my DH's ties----he was a lawyer for over 30 years and loved his ties and spent a lot of money on them----now he still wears one to church (interesting to me that he can still tie them with no help) but obviously he doesn't need the hundreds of ties I found in his closet. FYI, it took me 3 years after his diagnosis to even think about giving away or selling any of his stuff, but this past january I was ready. It didn't hurt that he had two classic cars that friends of his offered to buy, but when I sold those and put the money in a special account that i told my daughter going off to college this year we would use for her "extras"---then it became more of economical issue. Next was his guns----couldn't believe how fast those sold----I had people bidding up the price---and now it's his clothes. There is a men's resale shop in town and they now have all his "good" summer stuff, including @ 50 summer ties, with some of the older stuff going to our church's clothing pantry. In the fall, I'll sell the rest of his hunting stuff, and his "good" fall clothes. Of course, he was such a clothes horse, that I haven't made much of a dent in his closet !! And, he has declined so much this past year, that as long as he has his favorite stuff to wear, he really isn't noticing. So I guess what I'm saying and that others have said is that you'll just know when the time is right and you shouldn't hurry yourself----also, I thought about making something out of his nicer ties like Stuntgirl, but I've decided to give them to his close friends----most of whom are lawyers also and they always need ties---good luck!
Nikki - it sounds like you are sleeping in another room. If so, why not just make that your room and change the other into a guest room at a later date?