My husband has always been a real gentleman. Now in just the early stages of AD he is very high functioning expect of course for repeating and short term memory. And he gets very upset when I pay the bills. Yesterday, we got a cable TV bill had a late notice with it. I had already paid the past due amount so they just crossed in the mail. He couldn't understand that. Started going through the checkbook, looking through all the bills, which I always keep very organized. I tried to explain it to him and keep him from getting all worked up not to mention getting my bills and receipts out of order. For one instant he got so angry he kicked at me. I was so shocked at what he did I got tears in my eyes. Then he said " Oh come on I was just playing I didn't mean it. Before AD that would never have happened under any circumstances. I know he felt bad and was sorry but he did mean. I am worried that this could reflect a tendency to be violet later on.
I want to take care of him and be there for him. But I don't think I could take care of him if he gets abusive.
Any thoughts out there? OR anyone been through this?
Knat07 You need to contact your Doctor and and discuss getting your husband on medicine for agressive behavior. For aggression, agitation and aggressiveness there are Seroquel or Paxil (generic paroxetine). A caregiver should not be in danger. Please contact your Doctor. Good Luck!
Thanks for your response. I will mention it to his Dr. Since he is still functioning well in most other areas, I did tell him I could not allow him to get like that. He was very calm the rest of the evening. I don't want to put him on additional meds if I can keep from it just yet.
But will certainly be more aware in the near future. Thank you for your imput.
My husband went through exactly the same thing. After he was diagnosed and for months and months afterwards, everytime there was an issue (especially about money) that came up he would call me names, tell me to get out of the house, say things that were very, very hurtful. However, he never physically touched me....but he said he felt like "batting me up the side of the head" My husband NEVER had been this way before...He is a very respectful man, goes to church and loves me and God. He broke down a few times and cried and said that when he would get agitated that he just couldn't help it. He got agitated with other people too, including both of his Doctors. He began cursing also, and saying and doing inappropriate sexual things. This went on for months. I think it was one of the things that caused family and friends to know for sure that something was really wrong with him. During this time he had the diagnosis of AD, but like many other I thought it meant a life of short term memory loss and repeating things and eventually possibly nursing home care. Boy, have I learned a lot. I read everything I could get my hands on, went to support group and now this message board. I made it very clear to the neurologist exactly what he was doing and saying. He was perscribed Seroquel. The Dr. built up his dosage over time. From the first day he began taking Seroquel, it all changed. Seroquel was an answer to my prayers. Yes....it has its side effects. In my husband's case, he sleeps more. We adjusted the dosage. Now he is calm and sweet and I pray he never goes back to the way he was before Seroquel. He is currently on 50mg. Today he told me (and he does this often now) how much he really loves me and that he was so grateful that I was taking care of him. I believe he really meant it.
The "learning curve" is right where I am now. Reading everything I can get my hands on. Learning to change my behavior and responses towards him as well. Learning to watch for changes. And the boards are a real life line for me.
I hope I can hold off on the meds for a while. It just stunned me so to see that behavior in the early stages. For the moment I am in wait and learn mode I guess.
Bill was always a very quiet and respectful man. He would never think of being aggressive with me. I told him when we first got married that two things I would never put up with was infidelity or him hitting me. I never worried about either one.
Things are very different now. There are times he gets a look that says he could hurt me and I have been afraid several times. I had to call 911 once and he ended up going to a lock down unit at the hospital until they got his meds adjusted. His iron was low and they said that was probably why it happened. I've learned that the anger can be agrivated by other health reasons other than AD.
He started out taking half of a 25mg of seroquel and is now up to 25 in the morning and 150 in the evening. This is helping but there are still times he will get qute angry.
I still stick to what I said when we were first married. I will care for Him as long as I can, but I will not put myself in danger of getting hurt by his anger.
My wife swears at me regularly, though she never did before AD. She gets noisy often, though I am not sure I would call it violent.
None the less, my daughters agreed and we talked with the doctor who put her on Lexapro. She has not been on it long enough to know whether it will make any changes. The fear is that her anger will make it harder on me and I won't be able to carry on. The kids say it is me they are looking after.
I think they are a bit over protective of me, but that is how it works.
It was in the earlier stages that Sid was the angriest and most irrational. Part of it was that he was on the wrong mediciation, but a big portion of it was that he was so confused and and upset about what was happening to him; what his outbursts were doing to our relationship; his inability to control his temper. He didn't understand it and didn't know how to stop it.
Things settled down once we joined the Support Group. It helped him tremendously to interact with people who were going through the same things as he was. As time went on, the more he saw how hurt I was by his tantrums, the more he tried to control himself. He is still cognitively able to understand what he is doing, so when he feels a tantrum coming on, in most cases, he is able to calm himself down before it gets out of control.
However, I agree with the other writers. If it is not controllable, call the doctor ASAP, so he can give him meds. And violence that cannot be controlled is a deal breaker. That's when they have to go into a facility. You can't put your life in danger.
I think at first the anger comes from frustration about what's happening, but later on I think it's because they don't know what's going on and they are angry.
Bill use to ge frustrated and angry, but I was never afraid he'd hurt me because he knew me. Now he doesn't know me and when he gets angry, I am leary of him.
Knat07 "Then he said " Oh come on I was just playing I didn't mean it."
Boy did those words bring back a memory. When Gene was early in AD and angry because he could not drive, he came in the house with some kinda tool for changing tires. It was "big". He said, "I am going to kill you!" I got very scared. Then he smiled and said, "scared you didn't I" and told me he was just kinding me. To see how I'd react. I took it from him and hide it in a closet. I ran accross it a couple months ago. I begged the doctor for Seroquel. He does fine one 12.5 to 25 mg. per day at night and sleeps like a baby.
Now he is mostly very sweet and still very polite. Thanking me for everything. As long as everything goes his way he doesn't get upset. Just don't make him go to daycare! Gene has been diagnosed 4 years next month and is mid stage 6.
We had a bad weekend. Robert kept throwing fits. It started on Saturday for no reason. There's a boy who lives across the street. He's our daughter's age but looks up to our son as a big brother. He loves to hang out with Ryan - so he's over most everyday. He has a bad home life. He was adopted by his grandmother because his mother is a drug addict and didn't want him. His older brother lives with the grandmother as well. He only gets negative attention from the grandmother and the brother. We found out last week that the two boys don't even have beds to sleep in. They sleep on the floor. We had two twin size foam mattress pads and sent them over for the boys to sleep on. Anyway....
Robert was out in the garage putting our old computer up in the attic and the boy came over to ask if Ryan had his video game. This just enraged Robert. I hear Robert raising his voice and look out to hear him berating this boy. Telling him that when he comes over to our house, he'd better put a shirt on and on and on and on. I told Robert to drop it and just come in the house and told Ryan to go out and see what the boy wanted. Then Robert comes in and starts to jump all over Ryan about this boy coming over. When he gets like this his face looks horrible. I'm never really sure what he is capable of doing.
I thought I had him calmed down and went back downstairs and then heard Ryan saying "stop it! stop it!". So I go back upstairs and Robert is back in Ryan's room yelling at him again about this boy across the street. I get in his face and tell him to stop and that he's the one in the wrong. At least that redirects his attention to me. He finally calmed down. I suggested that we watch a movie in our bedroom and got him to take his medicine.
But then someone said something to Robert at church last night that he didn't like and it starts all over again....
We go from extreme anger to crying fits when I finally have had enough and start dishing it back to him. When I get angry, he starts bawling and saying "I don't want you to leave me". I hate that more than anything. I told him Saturday that I would not leave him unless he hurt one of the kids. I told him in no uncertain terms that I loved him, but I would protect those kids at any cost.
These outbursts don't happen everyday. He's mad at me right now because I am trying to sell our second car. He keeps asking me why I won't let him drive. This is all due to his father deciding that he does not have AD and that he will be totally normal again and will drive again someday. (Why doesn't he let Robert drive him around town then???)
It's weekends like these when I wonder - what am I doing? How can I keep my kids in this situation? Robert looks at Ryan (only Ryan never Shannon) sometimes like he hates him. It scares me so I know it must terrify Ryan. I think I will e-mail his doctor and see what he suggests.
Barbarakay, I got Bill to go to day care by telling him it was a senior citizens club where we could go for exercise, activities and meet new friends. But we couldn't be in the same class because they wanted us to make friends of our own. The director goes along with me and when Bill asks why I'm not staying with him, she tells him that I have to go to my own class. This has worked for us. Bill goes 2 or 3 days a week but he always asks if we have ever been here before.
Leighanne, I know the look. I call it Bill's devil look. If looks could kill, I'd be dead by now. The first time it happened, I faced up to Him and after I thought that was dumb He could have hurt me. Now I just agree with Him or tell Him we'll do whatever later.
Just settled down in the hotel and checked to see what's happening on the message boards. I feel so sad for you that you are having such a rough time. Definitely talk to the doctor. It's a bad situation when the AD spouse takes it out on the caregiver spouse, but when the outbursts are directed at the kids, that's even worse. I hope the doctor can get him on some medication to even out his moods. Let us know. joang
So sad to read what many are going through. I wouldn't call it early tendency because my hubby was diagnosed 4 1/2 yrs ago and I just recently had to admit him to an Alzheimer's care facility...due to my working full time and not being able to continue to pay out of pocket for daycare. Tonight they called and said he threatened to break down the doors and throw a chair through them yelling he had to see his wife. We definitely need to get his meds adjusted and I spent the evening on the phone with my daughter, crying and second guessing my decision to place him there. I love my husband ...we've been married 54 years, but does that mean I am obligated to sacrifice what life I have left to stay home and take care of him? He had angry spells like that at home...maybe not quite that bad, but close.
Dewdrop I have been where you are. With my urging the doctor put my husband on very heavy doses of antipsychotics to calm him down. Took days to take effect. When he settled down we gradually decreased the dosage. If I hadn't insisted on this regimen I don't want to think about what would have happened.
My DH frightened me last December when his anger escalated to aggression. I do not know positively that he would have struck me at one point, but my teen son happened to walk into the living room and SHOUTED, "HEY." DH actually stopped and shook like he were the child and my son the parent. During the holiday period we had a terrible time, and once Risperdol was started it was "manna from heaven." It calmed him greatly. He had a difficult time however with sleeping through the night, and the next month the doctor added Trazadone.
Risperdol and Trazadone worked very well for us, but not for everyone. The important thing is to get the doc to order these things to find out what will or will not work.
I've dealt with 2 episodes of agressive behavior. The first, back in 1988, when he was just starting care for his Mental Illness. He knew money was tight and was trying to help keep costs down. We used paper plates alot, but if you just use it for a sandwich, you can trash the crumbs and reuse the plate. Our 10 year old daughter had a piece of chocolate cake (frosted) and when she trashed her plate, he blew up, ranting, almost incoherent, and put his fist into the wall. I got on the phone, and his Psychiatrist called in a Prescription for Tegretol. It is a drug for seizures, and essentially that's what had happened--a seizure of the temper center. Tegretol helped him for years. He could experience frustration and anger, but they wouldn't run away with him.
When extended exposure to the Tegretol created the electrolyte problem, he was taken off the Tegretol and placed on Lamictal. But, before that happened, we had the second episode. I'd been told to pick my battles when dealing with the bizarre behaviors he sometimes came up with. He had started blowing his nose out whereever he was without any kind of hanky. I couldn't have that in the house (safety and sanitation issues). After reminding, asking, telling to no avail, I decided to come up with a penalty. He values his cigarettes, so I told him that if he blew without a hanky, I'd break a cigarette. I did it once, so he knew I meant it. The second time he did it, I grabbed the pack, and he came off his chair and around the table so fast... I switched the pack to my other hand and he grabbed my wrist and held it up and away then pounded me about 6 times on the head and 2 or 3 on the arm, before taking the pack away from me. Shortly thereafter, he went to bed. Since he was under Dr.s care, but it was a holiday weekend, I called the Community Mental Health Line for advice. They said since the incident appeared to be over I should talk to his Dr. before I made a Police report. When I reached the Dr. on Tuesday, he said that since the situation had resolved itself, I could make the report or not, as I chose, but gave the impression that nothing would be benefited by doing so. I had never been afraid of him before that. I knew it was a medical problem (this time probably because his electrolyte were subnormal), but I made up my mind that I would not ever be in that position again. The Lamictal he is on deals with most of the anger issue, but he still becomes frustrated, agitated, edgy, etc. on occasion. When that happens he shows signs of less control. His prescription for Ativan is to be used as needed to help him calm down. It works beautifully. As long as I can see it coming and circumvent the problem we'll be fine, but I will never be the victim of his VaD lack of control. This rotten disease has robbed him of the natural instinct he'd alway had to control his temper. If I didn't have a way to deal with that, he would already be in a locked unit. There's no way I'd be sitting waiting to see if it happens again, or waiting until out next regular appointment. Regardless of who the anger is aimed at, the Dementia removes the ability to have any rational control. The person has no understanding, nor control, of themselves and what's happening. We have to be smart and prepared to do what must be done to prevent things escalating to a crisis point. Physical and emotional injuries to the caregiver, and especially to any children in the picture must be prevented. My rant. My view.
I've dealt with 2 episodes of agressive behavior. The first, back in 1988, when he was just starting care for his Mental Illness. He knew money was tight and was trying to help keep costs down. We used paper plates alot, but if you just use it for a sandwich, you can trash the crumbs and reuse the plate. Our 10 year old daughter had a piece of chocolate cake (frosted) and when she trashed her plate, he blew up, ranting, almost incoherent, and put his fist into the wall. I got on the phone, and his Psychiatrist called in a Prescription for Tegretol. It is a drug for seizures, and essentially that's what had happened--a seizure of the temper center. Tegretol helped him for years. He could experience frustration and anger, but they wouldn't run away with him.
When extended exposure to the Tegretol created the electrolyte problem, he was taken off the Tegretol and placed on Lamictal. But, before that happened, we had the second episode. I'd been told to pick my battles when dealing with the bizarre behaviors he sometimes came up with. He had started blowing his nose out whereever he was without any kind of hanky. I couldn't have that in the house (safety and sanitation issues). After reminding, asking, telling to no avail, I decided to come up with a penalty. He values his cigarettes, so I told him that if he blew without a hanky, I'd break a cigarette. I did it once, so he knew I meant it. The second time he did it, I grabbed the pack, and he came off his chair and around the table so fast... I switched the pack to my other hand and he grabbed my wrist and held it up and away then pounded me about 6 times on the head and 2 or 3 on the arm, before taking the pack away from me. Shortly thereafter, he went to bed. Since he was under Dr.s care, but it was a holiday weekend, I called the Community Mental Health Line for advice. They said since the incident appeared to be over I should talk to his Dr. before I made a Police report. When I reached the Dr. on Tuesday, he said that since the situation had resolved itself, I could make the report or not, as I chose, but gave the impression that nothing would be benefited by doing so. I had never been afraid of him before that. I knew it was a medical problem (this time probably because his electrolyte were subnormal), but I made up my mind that I would not ever be in that position again. The Lamictal he is on deals with most of the anger issue, but he still becomes frustrated, agitated, edgy, etc. on occasion. When that happens he shows signs of less control. His prescription for Ativan is to be used as needed to help him calm down. It works beautifully. As long as I can see it coming and circumvent the problem we'll be fine, but I will never be the victim of his VaD lack of control. This rotten disease has robbed him of the natural instinct he'd alway had to control his temper. If I didn't have a way to deal with that, he would already be in a locked unit. There's no way I'd be sitting waiting to see if it happens again, or waiting until out next regular appointment. Regardless of who the anger is aimed at, the Dementia removes the ability to have any rational control. The person has no understanding, nor control, of themselves and what's happening. We have to be smart and prepared to do what must be done to prevent things escalating to a crisis point. Physical and emotional injuries to the caregiver, and especially to any children in the picture must be prevented. My rant. My view.
I've had the experience of ONE very scary episode of violent behavior. I called the police.
The next time I'll do what the Alzheimer's Association hot line told me to do. I'll call 911, tell them it is violence and tell them he needs to go to the hospital. It has been months since there has been any problem. Basically he is a pussycat these days. But I will do what I need to do and he will be calmed down before I let them send him home again.
I will be safe. Some of the caregivers who die are beaten to death. After that police visit I also got a call from the Assistant District Attorney who definately "gets it". She gave me her phone number just in case I needed it. I'm not sure exactly why, but it occurs to me that I could use her to get the "attention" of hosptial staff if I needed to.
What Knat07 said when she started this discussion could have been written by me. We had a couple of major blow ups over our Dish bill due to the same thing. He ended up having me disconnect it, which he misses dearly. He felt that they were too hard to work with. He didn't understand that I had to wait for a pay day to send the check. That is what I am working towards now, being able to send a check as soon as the bill arrives. A good idea but not always do-able.
I did not realize that AD causes this type of behavior. I thought that it was only FTD. So I learned something today.
I am still continually going through these "financial" discussions. I guess I should call them altercations. I have started doing a very specific one-page spreadsheets for him that I update with loan balances , dates due and that shows the payments. These have really helped him. Rather than trying to "tell" him or show him the actual bills. He also has in the past crumbled up the bills when he gets agitated. so it makes it better for me if he crumbles up this piece of paper rather than my actual bills.
My husband shoved me quite often and pushed me down a couple of times. Mostly he would just rant and rave - for days sometimes. Finally, the docs put him on Zyprexa which helped for a couple years. When he got worse, he got agressive with his caregiver, shoving her pushing her down, I had to place him. He punched out the staff and the doc put him on Tegretol. Tegretol took care of the agression, but it made him act even more strange and out of it. There really aren't any good answers for the patient, but the caregiver should protect her or himself regardless.
Carosi - I have to say - regarding blowing his nose and you breaking his cigarettes - there is absolutly NO point in trying to punish or train an Alzheimer's victim. They can't remember, understand, learn, or see cause and effect. You are just making things more difficult for yourself and for him.
Beenthere---I know that now. When it happened he had not yet been diagnosed with VaD. I thought I was dealing with the Mental Illness he was diagnosed with in 1988. At that time I was told to be prepared for unusual behaviors, and to chose my battles, as there would be no way to correct them all. Insisting that "all" cigarette butts be stacked like cord wood in the side of the ashtray, in odd but no big deal. The sanitation issue and the danger of slips and falls because of outblown snot, had to be addressed. Had I known I was dealing with dementia I would have been doing things differently. BELIEVE ME.
I still maintain the belief that as soon as a caregiver perceives the possibility of being endangered by their LO's behavior, they need to be in touch with the Dr. and have provision for preventing any harm. It could be a med, only to be used if needed, or some other kind of plan. Waiting to see if it happens again, before doing anything, isn't safe or smart, because the next time the LO's ability for any self control may be gone, or they may be even more angry. If there are children in the home, a single bout of uncontrolled anger can be explained, but repeated bouts without intervention can cause irrepairable harm--possibly physically or mentally and potentially to the relationship between them and the LO.
I am very thankful that my DH has not had any symptoms of aggression, violence or paranoia yet. This is a good thread though because it keeps in my mind that I should be prepared and have a plan if this would occur. My DH is reasonable and appropriate, although he can be pretty cranky at times. I just remind myself that this is a brain disease so reasoning may not work (often doesn't). I am getting pretty good at just agreeing and coming back to a subject later if need be. My brother-in-law, who also has AD, had hallucinations and paranoia around 5 years ago. The scary thing was it presented itself suddenly when my sister in law was gone. My sister-in-law worked with their doctor to find the right combination of anti-psychotics to help him. It took A LOT of perservance on her part and working with the right doctor to find the most effective combination. I really don't know how she managed through this period as she was working full-time also. It was a huge strain on her own health. At different points, she had to put him in NH while she took care of her own health. Since he started the anti-psychotics, he has been back to his own good natured temperment. He is not over medicated and is the picture of health except for the AD. He is now in a NH and is happy. In fact, after one of his NH visits, he asked to go back permanently. He loved participating in the activities and socializing. This was difficult for her because she had retired early to take care of him at home. The staff tell her what a great guy he is. She is such a big help to me advising me in advance of what may be ahead and emphasizes I should not avoid medication that will help.
My dh has had a very bad week. His aggression has continued to escalate. I won't go into all of it but on Thursday night he was trying to get some paperwork from me and grabbed me by the neck, hit me in the face and threw me down ~ my can of diet pop went sailing. I got in his face and said, "IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I WILL CALL THE POLICE AND THROW YOUR BUTT IN JAIL." He swears I made it all up and that I fell because I spilled my pop and slipped in it. He accused me of lying, etc. I have called 911 before but he had not touched me, only threatened to crash my car. I now keep my car locked and keys hidden. His neurologist told me (by email) her main concern right now is for my safety and that I need to decide if I can continue to live here with him. It is not only the AD but now old anger that he has not dealt with for 50 years has intersected with AD and he is literally off the deep end. He cannot cognitively work through anything, cannot problem solve, accuses me of all sorts of things, etc. I am contacting an elder care attorney tomorrow to see what my options are and if I can become his legal guardian. I have the support of the entire family. From there, I have options and I will not hesitate to use them.
We share the same problem. My HB first behaviors were going after our then 16 year old son for really no reason and then when I would try to talk to him about it, he would deny it every happened. I witnessed some of them first hand so I knew they were happening. I got him off our son and then all of the rage was directed at me.
Then we made a discovery right in front of the neurologist when were discussing one of the worst of his raging incidents at me. He was telling her the story and when he got to the part where he exploded, she said, "mr C, what did you say?" And he looked right at her and very truthfully answered, "I don't remember." And I then had to tell the neurologist exactly what happened. The light bulb went on for me that in the worst of his "glitches" whether it was a pure cognitive incident or rage incident, he was creating no short term memory of the incident. Since he has no memory of these incidents, he thinks I am absolutely crazy and making all these things up. It does not matter how many others have witnessed the incident, it did not happen in his mind or if he really can't deny that it happened, he makes up a story to justify it.
You are in danger. I can not express that strong enough. I no longer live with my DH because I can not. And it is really not his fault and it is too early in his illness for me to get legal control. He passes too many neuropsych tests at this time. You or I could easily be killed by our spouses in one of these "glitches", and then they would call the police, and honestly deny that they had anything to do with it because they create no short term memory of the incident.
You sound strong and competent, take care of yourself and exercise those options to stay safe.
Loretta, I am going to suggest to you, what everyone on this board & my family suggested...I might add very strongly, after my husband slapped, twisted my wrist that left bruises & grabbed my throat, more than once, that you need to start looking quickly into placing your husband. This for your own safety. As my sons told me, they lost their Dad & they didn't want to lose me. I still have a very hard time with guilt that he is in an Assisted Living Facility at 59 years old, however, it is for the best. There are days that it takes 3 aides to handle what I was dealing with alone. Please keep yourself safe & don't be like me & think he will never do it again, believe me he will.
Loretta, your safety comes first and you should be very cautious. DH threw a 23 lb vacuum at me and injured my leg, choked me several times, once almost to death, twisted my leg so it would break (thank god it didn't) and slapped me numerous times. I finally had to call 911, which started a different nightmare 4 months in 2 psych hospitals. No ALF or NH would take him because he was violent and in good physical health (58) and posed a threat to other, more elderly residents. Finally we got him on the right meds and he is able to be home and controlled. They would not release him to home without a 24 hour aide, so now we have a FT aide, which is very expensive even tho we have LTC insurance.
Do what you think is best for you. Legal guardianship takes a while to get; while that process is happening I strongly suggest that you contact the neurologist and get him on some meds to controll his rages and anger. Good luck-many of us have lived your nightmare and know how difficult it is.
I'm one of the people who called the police. There was ONE violent incident a couple of years ago. I decided to live.
What the Alzheimer's Association Hotline told me was that if it ever happened again, I should call 911, explain the situation and ask for someone to come and take him to the hospital.
I drew a line in the sand. Possibly because both the nice policeman who came to the house and I just were not going to allow this to ever happen again, it never did happen again. But there is no question that if there has been a physical attack of any kind it NEEDS to never happen again.
If the problem is only verbal, and you are not in fear for you life and safety you have time to work with the doctor. But the first time it turns physical, you can't stay in the home with someone who is attacking you. It does not matter if your LO remembers or not.
Even with Guardianship, you can't just take own and sign him in. Thbere is a procedure to follow, which takes a bit of time. Contact the non-emergency desk of you Police Dept. and finmd out exactly how to get him transported "for a med adjustment" because of his endangering behavior.
Keep a phone on you and have a plan of escape or a "safe" place to retreat to until you get things under control.
Loretta, is he on any anti-psychotic meds? If not, talk to the neuro ASAP and get him on something. My DH was having rages and although never got really physical, I was very uneasy. The meds have turned him into a pretty calm guy. You have to look out for yourself, nobody else will. We are here to listen and wish you well.
Loretta, speaking to an elderlaw attorney is a good idea, but that won't put you out of immediate danger. It does sound like his behavior is so violent towards you, he needs to be admitted to a geriatric psych unit to be put on antipsychotics and monitored 24/7 to see what specific medications and dosages will calm him. Telling him that you will call the police if he ever does it again might work if he was just a person with a bad temper, but a dementia patient can go out of control at any time and would have no memory of being told something like that. The incident you described would be enough for me to call his neuro and ask for admittance to a psych unit pronto. I know that's not an easy things to do, but it's better than the possiblity of you being seriously hurt or killed.
Violence of any form is untolerable sane or not. what you have stated he does to you passes the norm for safety issues. like the others suggest for peace of mind either calling his neuro or pcp and explain his behaviour and say you are in fear of him, and/or call your local police dept and with the help of your dr ask that he be transported to the closest psychiatric hospital for evaluation and medical treatment. i think someone said the only way to get them interned without their consent is to baker-act them on fear of your life and the police must be involved. not sure but i think you are out of options. once aggression shows its rare it goes away but tends to escalate without proper medicating. good luck, we know its not easy but you must do what you can to ensure your safety AND his own. divvi
Dear friends, I have been amazed and overwhelmed at your responses on my behalf. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me so much encouragement and food for thought. So much good information, I'm glad it is saved on this site. I can't tell you how many times I have gone back and searched categories to read what people have written. What a God-send!
I have also been in contact with my dh's psychiatrist and neurologist. Today his neuro emailed me and she is going to contact his GP to update him and to get a social worker to attend our session with her. She is so awesome. Today I am feeling totally vindicated and humbled. Stay tuned..... Loretta
My DH attacked me last November and I had to call the police. When they showed up he was all calm and friendly and he was bleeding from a cut by his eye from where I had hit him to get out of his choke hold, he had me pined on the floor. I went out side it was at night and called the police. The police talked to him for 1/2+ hour and me 5 minutes and they removed me from the home and threatened to arrest me for elder abuse. Mean while I was covered in bruises and visabally upset but because it was dark out they couldn't see my injuries so I was the one at fault.
Amber-I had a very similar episode with the police. If I had it to do over I would notify the police at a calm moment with documentation of spouse's dementia. If needed in the future you would be believed and your spouse would be treated more compassionately.
I am very lucky. Our police department has a program where you register your spouse and address. If a call comes in from this address, they are notified that he has Alzheimer's when the call goes out. All of the police officers have been trained in dealing with a person with dementia. i haven't had to call them, but I'm glad to know they are prepared and will know what to expect.
This is a very hard topic for me... Lynn was very abusive. He hit or shoved me almost daily. I did try to reach out to his VA doctors, but they made me feel a cold hearted bitch that I wanted him on medicine. They warned me over and over about the "black box" warning on the drugs. I was told, he is ill, try to torlerate it. And I regret that I did. The "first episode turned into the 2nd, and then the hundreth, I had accepted it as "just another part of the disease".
It wasn't until he broke my ankle shoving me so hard that I was given help. It was my neurologist who could see what was happening. I burst into tears. He cared greatly for Lynn too, but he said he could not allow this to continue. He spoke with the VA doctors and read them the riot act!! Lynn was put on seroquel that day!!! God, what a life saver that was for us!
((Loretta)) my point in sharing this with you is it is never ok to be abused by your LO, ill or not. It is also harming them to let them get that frustrated and angry. Don't tolerate it because you love them. Don't let doctors intimidate you with the black box warnings.... you and your DH deserve and need any help you can get to make this disease more bearable. Big hugs of understanding ♥ Nikki
Nikki, life with dementia is tough enough without what you had to put up with from the VA doctors. Unbelievable that they would advocate "tolerating" abuse. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank God you were finally able to get him properly medicated.
I was told ny the neurologist at the time of diagnosis that if and when my husband should become violent, that's when the time would be to get him out of the house and into other care. I hope that day never comes....