I have a rather complicated family ( as I'm certain most of us do). I have 2 sisters and a brother that is 8 years younger that us. My Mom and Dad are 83 and 84. My brother moved in with my parents 7 years ago in Sept with his wife and 2 childern. They were having financial problems and my very generous parents have always "been there" for him. He has had so many financial problems over his life and my parents are always bailing him out. My father even too a mortage out on their home to pay back his $50,000 "deal" that kept him from being sued. Yet, this same guy has necer gotten along with Dad (because he requires accountability) and my Mom feels my brother can do no wrong. This is the problem. I firmley believe that my brother is bipolor. He has had problems and arguments with everyone in our family and most will not speak to him. They "hold their tongues" to keep peace for my Dad. Anyway, 6 years ago, my sil and bro separated ( I would have divorced him and moved a million miles away). She left with the 2 boys and got her own apt. That left Dad, Mom and my brother living together. Since he has lived there, he has NEVER as much as bought a loaf of bread let alone help my parents out. They live very fruguly on SS but have always managed. My brother has screamed at my parents, called then every name in the book, etc and each time, my Mom keeps telling everyone THEY ARE Wrong!!! It is infuriating. My Dad had a quadruple bypass in 2002 AND IS CURRENTLY TAKING CHEMO FOR COLON CANCER (WHICH HE FIRMLY BELIEVES WAS CAUSED BY THE STRESS FROM MY BROTHER). My Mom has been in a nh since April. She was finally approved for Medicaid and this required that her name be removed from all the deeds and properties. A new will was made for my Dad and all my Mom can do is cry because she feels that once my Mom and Dad die that we will toss my bro out on his butt. And she is right. They are enablers and it is partly their fault that he cannot support himself or his family. By the way, they have never divorced and he visits them constantly. Truthfully, I think sil is afraid of him (he is 6"4 probably 400 lbs.).. He flies into rages about the stupidest things. He need mental health help and medication. I am the peace maker in the family. I ignore alot but lately, my Dad has been telling me about things that have me scared. My brother rages over a missed ball when he watches the Yankees- and then takes it out on my Dad. My brother goes to the nh and tells my Mom what a terrible person Dad is AND SHE TELLS HIM TO " IGNORE YOUR FATHER. YOU KNOW HOW HE CAN BE!!! I am more angry for her talking against my Dad. Anyway, this morning I brought in groceries and my brother decided to engraciate me with his presence. I am hauling big bags of paper towels and toilet paper and laundry soap and a full food order and do you think he offers to help. No
I'm not a Social Worker, but at our Community Health Care Centre (Canada), they have several on staff to help sort out multiple family problems like this. We have to get a referral from our family doctor to have a case worker assigned. The Social Workers do know the system; they know what help is needed and where to get it. From here, it looks to me like too big a job for any one person to tackle.
Kathryn0907-- Sounds to me like a report to the Elder Abuse hotline is in order, before your Dad gets seriously injured. You are correct that your Brother is out of control. Whatever his problem turns out to be, he needs intervention. The best thing would be if you and your sisters let your Dad know you'll all help and back him up, so he will speak up about how things are at his home,so your brother can be dealt with. If you, your Dad , and sisters don't tell your mother, she needn't know the details. She can be told your brother is finally getting help. Frankly, this will sound harsh. It is. By not doing anything, you and your sisters are enabling your brother to continue the abuse. Your Dad is already ill. At least make an effort to make his life better.
(SORRY I COULDN"T FIT IT ALL IN ONE) Of course he didn't. But he immediately started to look for an argument from my Dad. He opened the fridge and started to complain about a loaf of Italian Bread my Dad had. He wanted to throw it out and my Dad said to leave it-he had had some earlier and it was fine. No, my brother continued to scream at him over this stupid loaf of bread. Then he complained because I had bought 2 dozen eggs (what are you going to do with all those eggs-they go bad and you end up throwing them away). He complained because I bought a ham. I finally said to him, "Leave him alone. If Daddy wasts old bread in his fridge, he can have it. It is his fridge and he did pay for it. Right away, he turned on me like a dog and started to come towards me screaming about how I had no business interferring with his "discussion" with my Dad. That I had no business talking to him and as he yelled, he got closer and closer. As I said, normally, I would walk away but today, I could not see him disrespecting the man that provides free room and board. He then actually pushed me with his chest and I was shoved into the kitchen table and chairs!!! If I wasn't mad, this put me over the edge. I am 5"2 and he weighs 3x me and he could probably kill me with one hand but my father jumped up and tried to get between us. I screemed and told my brother to back off and my father finally got him to retreat to his bedroom. I was shaking and crying. I went to the bathroom and then I came out and went to his bedroom (yes I know, another stupid thing to do) And I opened his door and said "DO not talk to me ever again, do not visit dh in the nh and do not appear at Dads on Saturdays because he does it just to aggrivate us. And I said If i hear him ever disrespecting my father again that I would call 911 and have him arrested. Let the city give him free room and board!! Of course this enraged him. He has been very upset about my dh and has visiteds him in the nh. I told him he was no longer welcome to do that. My father was even more upset because he knows I will call 911 if I witness anyting like this again. He said I do not want the police called. I went out of the room and into the kitchen with my father. He said to me, " I would have tossed him out years ago but you know how your Mother is about him!!" He said "He has no money and he is my son and I can not throw him out. I know he is mentally ill but he won't go for help and I cannot have him leave". So here is my delemma, I either watch (silently) as my brother kills my father or I call the police and get him out of the house and alienate my parents from me. I was the last one left in the family that was tolerating him. Now, no one will talk to him. WHAT Do I DO??? Of course, after I calmed down, my biggest regret was upsetting my Dad and I apologized to him. He told me he was fine that he was worried about me. I will not do that to my Dad again but how do I live with this? I need your help. ANy suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
Carosi, I know exactly what you are saying. I know that by not doing anything that we are eanbling my brother but this is a very Italian family and you don't go against your father. We would keep it from my Mom but my brother would be on the phone quicker than I could talk to complain to her about how horrible we are. I think we need and intervention but I can't think this through enough to get started. For the first time in my life, I am paralized . I think tonight I am still so upset that maybe tomorrow I will have a clearer head.
Kathryn0907-- This is a hard one. Another way to say what I said before: What can you live with? Your Dad hurt, maybe dead, and your broher still undiagnosed and treated. Your Dad safe and furious with you for a while, and your brother elsewhere, under treatment. Call the agency (ies) available in your area. As for your brother's visits to your DH, you have the control of that.
You say you are the last one that talks to him - ask one of the others to call. Give them the info of where to call and have them to it. Abusers never stop unless they are forced.
Kathyrn it sounds like your brother needs professional help. At his size he could kill someone. Next time he becomes violent consider calling 911 for an involuntary psych admit.By getting your brother properly diagnosed and treated you could be saving his life.
Can't help thinking about you being pushed into the table and chairs by a guy three times your size, a brother who is probably suffering from some mental disorder. If he does this to you, what might he do to your father? Someone in authority has to know and do something to protect you both. Can you talk to your brother's doctor? Your doctor? It could be a simple solution, maybe getting your brother on some medication. Your priest or minister? I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Wish I could help more. I think this is one for Divvi.
By all means, all "feelings" aside, call 911 if ANYthing even RESEMBLELING these kinds of incidents ever happen again. (they'll most likely take him to the local psych ward at the hospital and he'll get the evaluation and treatment he needs) In the meantime, I would suggest calling Adult Protective Services. It is TOTALLY confidenial. No one will disclose who called.....and when your Brother is interviewed, I'l betcha he won't be able to contain his temper.....and they'll get an idea of what he can be like. Dad might step in...etc., etc.....the investigator they send will get a pretty good picture of the family dynamics, I'm sure.
Just as a LO with AD can be evaluated in a Psych. unit, I would think if you call 911 when any incident happens like this, he could be evaluated as a threat to others. All you need is one witness, not physical injury per se.
What he did in attacking you was a CRIME. It was assault. It is misdemeanor domestic assault or possibly misdemeanor simple assault, but if you report this it gives any social worker the ammunition to get him thrown out of the house. I understand that you do not want to be the "bad guy" in this -- but if you call Adult Protective Services, tell them about this incident in confidence, ask them to maintain confidentiality, and then ask them to interview all of the adult children as to whether they have witnessed any violent attacks or if they are fearful for their parents' safety, you can then tell them about this in that context and you won't be the only one who was interviewed.
He could have killed you and may kill your father. This needs to be reported -- if you won't report it to the police, at least call Adult Protective Services. Please, for the safety of yourself and your parents.
awww. mary75 i wish i knew as much as you give me credit for~~~~~ :)
i agree APS should be called and sent to investigate the parents safety. all your concerns should be voiced in a written document detailing all the pertinent info of any abuse, either verbally or physically -should be submitted as well. when its parents being abused by their kids, they dont ever get reported as the parents dont want to start trouble. its your duty to protect your parents and not reporting any suspicions of abuse makes you an 'enabler' to the fact. thts just as bad. divvi