What do you do when this happens? he calls me MOM, greets me, hi mom. Then during a conversation, he wanted to know something and foolishly, I didn't respond as his mother. Now he's mad at me because I'm not who he thought. I told him I was his wife, "chris".... and several times prior he had asked for Chris, and I kept saying I'm chris.... Am I supposed to just let it go. I don't know, but he is angry, and i think it's because he 's so confused. What a terrible disease.
My husband often calls me by his former wife's name. He thought his sister was his mother (but she looked exactly like their mother !!!) .. It is disconcerting, I agree. I just let it go most of the time. He doesn't mean to upset me. He may be seeing his mother when he looks at you....we will never know.
My feeling is that as they regress to childhood they don't recognise us as adults as we look today. They may look at themselves in a mirror and not know who that old man is.
The best advice our social workers always give is - "You have to live in their world. They are not capable of living in yours." What that means is that when he says, "Hi Mom", you say "Hi". When he says "Hi Chris", you say "Hi". When he says "Where is Chris", you say "She went to the store. She'll be back later." Then distract him and get him involved in something else.
Arguing about who is who IS very frustrating and confusing to them, and stressful to you. You'll never win, so the best thing is play along, agree, and distract.
how sad. but yes we have to get into their world and accept that everything is topsyturvy and you may not look like his wife in his eyes. the caring and nurturing may remind him of mom. if it wasnt so hard to accept i would say its the ultimate compliment being called momma. he surely loves you as much either way he calls to you. try not to let it get to you. divvi
My Dh is always asking "where is my Mother" or call her and tell her to pick me up. he is 87, so you know how far back his mind is going. If I leave the Kitchen and go into another room, he will ask" where did that Lady go?" sometimes he doesn't know who I am...The other day he wanted to know where his wife is, I said I was his wife, he said No, your prettier then she is..Oh well..so this disease goes..It is best to go along with what they are saying...only now he is talking, but not making sense, and sometimes I don't understand what he is asking, I try to answer. hoping its the right one. Each day get sadder and sadder. I pray we all keep up our strength to see us through this terrible journey. Rosalie
Well I am probably Phranque's rival for "worst" caregiver, but I am looking forward to the day when DH no longer knows who I am. Right now he knows I'm his wife and usually he's ticked off at me, so if he could just forget who I am, I could play along and be whoever he wants me to be. Ever since I was caregiver for my father who died of AD I have believed that dementia was a blessed way for the patient to die. They don't know they are what we would consider "miserable". Their "bad" times are quickly forgotten by them. They have no memory of their pain and they quickly forget their fears. It's really not a bad way to go -- it's just awful to watch.
I guess you just need to be who ever is important at the moment. We have been married 53 years, so I am "Mommie, Mom, Sis, Sweetie, Lovey, Adele, Del, my wife, are you the one taking care of me today and who are you?" The one that bothers me is that when I say "I am your wife" he says, "No, you are too old". He saw my reflection in the mirror the other day and asked me who my friend was. It seems like everyday there is something to break your heart.
This is exactly what I have been going through for the past three or four months. I feel like I am in a soap opera playing four roles: wife, mother, girlfriend and last week, the cleaning lady (he asked if his wife had paid me for scrubbing the kitchen floor). It seems as though he longs for his mother, loves the girlfriend, and the wife is the enemy because she is too bossy, always telling him what to do. Sometimes it is funny and sometimes evokes tears. As always I am astounded to read about all these behaviors that are "normal" for this disease. I am thankful for this website more each time I read it.
bookworm, I can relate to that but not the mother part when we lived in Az. a year ago, my dh always asked me to marry him he wanted me to meet his kids, i would ask about his wife said he divorced her was a bitch always telling him what to do, now go figure, he knows who I am and also knows his kids names which he couldn`t remember 2 weeks ago, never know what to expect with this disease
I think my DH is stage six. We are not in diapers yet but I can relate to all the above posts. One day when he knew I was upset with him he said my children really love you, I said they should I'm their mother. His response "You're their mother?" Later he ask "am I their father?" He now does not know his children and I can be the person who takes care of him, sometimes his wife, and as he said the other day..you are so nice to me I think I'll ask you to marry me. This was 2 days before our 53rd anniversary. Got to love them and got to keep our sense of humor.
Bama, that is very sweet. awww. you just have to smile at those comebacks. happy 53rd, sweet lady! and a kiss from hubby for the day he would want to remember if he could. divvi
Seems to be pretty much universal; DH has gone through the stage of wanting me to call his mother to come get him to just wanting to let her know he is staying here for the night. He calls me Mom a good share of the time, and he has told me if his wife comes home I will need to go out the back door before she comes in. Other times, he wants me to meet her cause he just knows we would be friends, because we seem to have so much in common. He has said he wants to stay here with me but feels obligated to go home to his wife. And, he, too has asked me if I would marry him. He is well into stage 6 and is losing the ability to communicate at all. He talks in half sentences and often just talks to his "imaginary friends" and resents it when I try to join the conversation. I've learned to just go along with whatever scenerio he is in at the time. Some of it makes me laugh, but it is all so tragic.
My DH also asked me to marry him & when I said 'yes' he was so excited and happy--moreso I think than when it really happened. He told me how all the other boys will be so jealous & how he's going to seduce me and won't the kids be surprised to learn that aren't illigimate! He also gave me the sweetest most angelic loving smile when I tucked him in one night and said 'thank you, mommy.' I had a glimpse of what he was like as a child. Of course it tugs at your heart, you don't want any of it, but sometimes it can be very dear.
I love those sweet times. It really makes up for the frustrating times trying to get them to understand and do the things they need to do, like cooperating when you dress them or shower them, or clean up the poop.
gmaewok, I have to say sometimes these times are sweet but can become a real problem when he gets angry because I won't dial the phone for his mother who passed away more than 30 years ago. I know I am not supposed to say she is gone, so I make excuses why she is not home, like visiting her sister in another state. The only thing that saves me sometimes is calling his sister who lives in our state and she will back me up. This seems to satisfy him for the moment. I really cannot figure what stage he is in by his symptoms, but not yet in the incontinent or can't feed himself stage. But when he thinks we are newly weds he is a lot nicer to me than when he is in a more current mindset and I am the old bossy wife.
I agree that not being the wife can be an advantage. Mine goes through stages where I'm mom, particularly when he first gets up in the morning, but then later I'm back to being bossy old wife. And then he'll go for weeks without those delusions at all! If I ask him what my name is he'll say 'Uh, uh" and I'll say I'm Clare and he'll give me that fishy look.. not at all sure I'm telling the truth! I don't mind it, whatever way! It'll be interesting to see how he reacts when I see him this evening for the first time in a week. My daughter says he IS asking when I'm coming home.
I know exactly those sweet faces you are speaking of and they do endear you to them so much -when my DH is all soapy on the shower chair and i am over him scrubbing his hair, he smiles the whole time and such a face of trust its makes me so nostalgic how it must be to become so dependent on another for your survival. me too briegull, although my DH seems to readily know my name and says it lots during the day, when i say i am his wife he rolls the eyes and the look of disbelief sometimes as well. then i see him talking to the 'guys in the mirror' setting his versions of the truth straight behind my back.:).i also find my DH is so much more willing to do as asked when i always add , thank you! after everything i ask of him. try it without it he wont do it:) add the thank you as you ask, bingo. can i change your shirt, thank you! funny little idiocrasies to brighten our sad days. loved all your anecdotes as well! divvi
Thanks all of you for sharing these great stories. (My DH still knows me all the time, and knows I'm his wife but often wonders aloud how he's ever going to get rid of me. That's when I won't go bicycling with him RIGHT NOW to a place that doesn't open for another two hours!) I'm not complaining (much), we still do have a cuddle occasionally.