Hey Everyone,bad news, good news, bad news, bad new. First, Jim was turned down for placement. This was a disappointment for him, but not for me. I am not ready to place him yet and didn't think he would be accepted anyway. I was worried about our home set up and concern for his safety with the stairs and such. They did however offer me MORE in Home Care. 16 additional hours a week, plus 2 1/2 that can be banked for respite time! Now, more bad news, the co-pay for this is $88 a month which I cannot afford. I can apply for a reduction. I'm so tired of paperwork, but I shouldn't complain because I am getting assistance. I may have to ask Jim's family for help with the co-pay if I can't get it reduced. Then last night I was instant messaging with a friend from here who was turned down for assistance, when I encouraged this person to continue fighting, the reply was, "I don't like begging" I know this person didn't mean to hurt me, but I felt like I'd been slapped. I don't even remember what I'd said, I had a disagreement with my Mother and IT IS STILL RAINING. and I just want to run away and not come back.
So now I need to apologize for "clicking off" the Instant Messaging. I want everyone to understand that I'M NOT USED having to ask for HELP. But I WOULD GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG if it meant getting help for Jim, or keeping my family safe and cared for. I cannot afford to work, and pay a caregiver. My Mom has lung disease, Dylan has behavioral issues due to a brain deficit and needs to be handled carefully.
I'm doing all that I can. We don't go out, we don't have extras, Netflix is about the only luxury we have right now. We don't even get the daily paper anymore. I am well aware that there are people out there much worse off than me. I still have my beautiful daughter, my son is helping as he can, and my disabled son calls weekly to check on us. I am blessed with these children.
I'm tired, I need a break, I hate the thought of asking Jim's very gracious family for help. They would probably say yes, but hereing someone say the Word Begging, Cut like a knife. I had a miserable night, went to bed before Jim, and hoped for the best. I woke several times to check on him, and kept our door shut. Luckily, he didn't try to wander last night and the kittens snuggled in and were content with staying put. So we all slept. But I still feel lousy today, I wish the sun would come out, but it looks like we are in for more rain, we had the rainiest June on record and nothing has changed in July. The forecast is for more rain into next flipping week!
I want to note for the record, that in the past I have been a Foster Parent, am an Adoptive Parent, taken in various children of friends and family in need. For years I was on the Diaconate of my church, visited regularly with shut-ins, worked at dinners for the homeless, brought my kids with me to deliver food to homeless shelters and food pantries, so that they would see how lucky WE were and have an appreciation for what they have. I'd always participated in Giving Trees at Christmas time and anywhere else that I was able in the community. NOW I cannot, it hurts to be on the receiving end. I never thought I'd be this close to being FLIPPING HOMELESS! Life sucks, I'm scared. We are OUT OF MONEY. If anything else goes wrong, like the washing machine last week, I'm screwed. It is a matter of survival of the fittest now and I feel like the Mother LIon protecting her cubs. I cannot leave Jim alone for even a few minutes as he is at such a risk of falling. I don't know when the help can begin, I don't know when I can get the result of paper work. This all makes my first marriage as bad as it was , look easy. God help me, God help us all. Thanks for letting me rant and rave, and to my IM Pal, I'm sorry if I hurt you. Please forgive me.
Susan, If our society were operating as it should, you would not even have to ASK for help--people would notice and offer help. Unfortunately, our society doesn't operate that way.
Is Jim's family aware of how dire your financial situation is? If they are not, they need to be told. They are his family (mother and father?). I would think they would want the best for him. I know it doesn't always work this way, but families should be there to help each other out. If they are "gracious", as you say, hopefully, they will be generous.
Jim's parents have both passed away. He has an older, financially stable brother and sister and a younger brother who is not as well off as the older two, but much better off than we are. I will ask for help. Thanks Joan, S
Susan, you have been such a trooper with all you have to deal with. call the family and tell them you need some help. just lay it on the line. its asking for help so that you can have the extra needed inhome care to keep DH at home -they will see that-the most probable outcome will be they will offer some sort of financial help. its his family not strangers. you' re doing everything you can to make things work in your household. give yourself apat on the back, your strength and determination you show us here -you have my great admiration. like you say any of us would do the same for the benefit of our loved ones. everything to be proud of. divvi
You're having such a difficult time right now, and you've been strong for so long. We all need help of some kind some times. I don't think asking is begging. It's sort of like "pay it forward," but maybe in your case it's pay it backward. You've done so much to help other people, and now it's time for others to help you. Don't be ashamed to ask.
Dear, dear Susan....yours is the first post I've read this morning and my heart is aching for you. I'm not in your shoes yet, but I'm sure I will be.......at first I thought asking for help was "begging".....never been in such a tight spot before. I'm sure I'll be fighting the same fight as you are very soon now. My horses are being sold (I'm keeping one pony for a personall mount...I'd die otherwise, I feel) but they don't just sell overnight. I'm going to rent stall and pasture space for income. I've been wanting to go back to school. But, where's THAT going to come from? Now, my daughter finally called me to ask for help with a loan to attend some classes. *sigh* I HATE to be in this situation, needing help of my own and always, as you, having been able to help others. I can't ask John's family (his sisters, his two oldest children from the first marriage) for help anymore. They've voiced that they'll only help if I sell everything and move to a "safe" apartment with their dad.....won't do that. THey don't understand that I couldn't sell this place for HALF of what it's worth in this economy if I wanted. Susan, hang in there. I believe in what goes around, comes around and it sounds like you've done your fair (more than your fair share) for those in need in the past. We love you and have our respect as an excellent caregiver and spouse, mother and grandmother. LOVE sent your way. Jen
Thanks girls, I have written a heartfelt email to Jim's siblings. I'll let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, how do I appologize to someone who has been a good friend? I feel like as ass.
Susan, if she's a good friend, she should understand your situation. Don't spend time agonizing over this. You have apologized and that's all you can do. Although I don't think you had anything to apologize for! You are an excellent caregiver and you have done your part. I do hope the family comes across for you. Know that we are here for you - anytime - go ahead and rant, vent, rave, whatever you need. Arms around you tight!
If that person was truly a good friend, no apology should be necessary. You may want to tell her, however, exactly how you felt. She is the one who needs to apologize. Yours was a normal reaction. She may not even understand what she said was taken so to heart by you. Anyway, you are a remarkable person and never feel like asking for help to keep your family together is begging. Programs were set up for exactly that reason. I do not know about you personally but have you contacted the Agency for Aging in your area or done the "benefits checkup" through the fed gvt? You may find you are due more assistance. Hang in there and feel our {{HUGS}} to keep you going.
Susan, I'm glad you sent an e-mail to Jim's siblings. Sometimes we just have to open our mouths and let them know how things are. I did the same with my two step children. Now the son is paying for an extra day at the Day Care Center so I can have some "me" time. I pay for the three days I work. So far, the well to do daughter just tells me that I'm a "saint". I'm sure your good friend knows the stress you're under. Here's a big hug ((((((((((((((( Susan )))))))))))))))))
Susan I have said over and over that ou carry too much for any one person to bear. Let Jim's family help out. If you go down so does everyone. My heart aches for you. Nora
SusanL--Asking for assistance is not begging. I had to let go of the "I'll handle it myself" mindset long ago, when my DH was Dx'd with Mental Illness. Also, simply letting people know what the situation is, can sometimes generate help. If someone is not informed, they are deprived of the opportunity to help. Tell your church what's happening. If and when someone offers the generic "if you need any help" call them with a specific request. Often they do want to help but don't know what would be helpful. As you've done for years, continue to help where you can, the way you can now, not the way you did back then. And learn to give a wonderful gift--be a gracious receiver. Say a simple. heartfelt "Thank you." when help comes your way. Don't say, "You shouldn't have." or "It's too much." Those kinds of responses devalue the gift and take away the pleasure of giving.
As I said --asking for assistance is NOT begging. It is saying I'm doing all I can, but I need some help. Absolutely not the same as sitting back doing nothing for yourself, and nearly demanding to have everything handed to you.
Susan - in my thinking you and Jim have earned the help.
I have a son and his wife who, instead of working at whatever they can get, beg people for help (financially, clothing, diapers, etc.). They believe the government and church owe them. Why - I have no idea. My son was not raised that way. His wife grew up in the system and that may be where it comes from. I am embarrassed by their behavior and way of thinking.
For us - you and Jim, all on this site - we have earned it. We have spent our lives working, paying into the system and now it is time for them to help us. When we were younger and had hard times I felt bad asking for help. But a wise person told me: if you deny people the opportunity to help you when you truly need it, you are denying them the opportunity of a blessing. We had times we had to take checks to make it through and I had to remember this.
Even though we are younger than one would consider needing help, I don't feel guilty or shame. We didn't ask for this disease and poverty. But, we have it and now we need help whether it be early retirement, SSDI, food stamps, medicaid, welfare - whatever it takes. We have earned it. God has set these programs there for when people need help through no fault of their own. I agree - let your church know your needs. You may even have someone in your church that has an extra washer or can fix yours. You won't know until you ask. Your job is to put the needs out there for God's people to know and leave it up to God for them to respond. If your area has a counsel of churches (even in small towns often the churches ban together on community projects and needs) let them know.
Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. Allow God to bless you. Allow others to be a blessing to God by helping you. Allow others to bless you.
Susan..you are carrying a much heavier burden than you deserve, and you need never apologize to ANYONE for the efforts you give. Most people would crack under a much lesser strain, so you are doing more to keep your family together than 99% of the American public. If everyone put as much work and effort into their lives, just think of the society we would have. The average person spends less than 10 seconds a day talking to their kids.....They pretend to be"involved" with their family, while they spend hours watching tv, playing internet games, and other distractions, and suddenly they are shocked when their kids fail in school, get involved in drugs, or join gangs, or find their spouse divorcing them. To ask for help is not only strenghtening, it can be very rewarding. Seeking help takes courage, and determination. Not seeking help may help someone's ego and pride, but in reality it is selfish,and cowardly. You are correct in that it is the survival of the fittest, and you will survive because you are the fittest person I know. You have lots on your plate... OT...if your washing machine is a Whirlpool or Sears Kenmore, you may have a broken motor coupling....two small pieces of plastic with a rubber coupling. these are known to break frequently (plastic), and the part is about $22.00. It slips in between the motor and the drive mechanism...someone with a bit of mechanical ability can tip the washer and replace it for about 25.00.....hope that can solve the washer problem.. What goes around, comes around......so Just wait....with all you have done for others, it will be returned to you..just be patient...grab a life boat and you will be allright...No one on this site is homeless........nor will we allow it......Big big big hug to you and arms around.....xoxox
Susan, keep your chin up. You are truly remarkable, so brave, so much fight in you for your family. The older I get, the more pleasure and satisfaction I get out doing something for someone else. Asking DH's family, your friends, church members for help gives them an opportunity to step up to the plate and experience that same satisfaction. Often people who want to help don't really know what to do. Perhaps you could ask your church for something specific - a used washing machine someone is about to get rid of, a commitment to pay for part of Jim's in-home care, something else concrete. Meanwhile we all love you and are here for you. Feel our arms holding you up.