My husband has a bad case of Got to do it NOW!!! I'm pretty sure it is because he is afraid that if he doesn't do it right now, he might forget to do it at all. But it does make things weird when he gets up from the table in the middle of a meal to take care of something that could wait until next week.
How do you handle that when it comes up with your LO?
There could be other reasons related to the AD, but yes, I find that it is definitely because he will forget if he doesn't say or do it NOW. My husband interrupts me when I am talking all of the time - it is extremely annoying. He says if he doesn't say what he is thinking right then, he will forget it, and believe me, he will.
In most cases, I am trying to learn, although he would probably disagree with that assertion, to let it go. Let him do it. If it is in the middle of a meal, I would say - "Why don't I write down what you need to do, and then you can do it when you finish eating." That would work for us - not sure if it would work for you, but it's worth a try.
Yes, my husband has a case of GOT TO DO IT NOW also. I thought it also had to do with frontal lobe and being impulsive. Yes I do agree with you it is a fear of forgetting, but I often wonder if he even realizes he forgets.
Oh yes, dave, my husband does that too. I didn't notice it at first because he has always pushed me to do things NOW. But these days I literally have to hide things that can wait, or even worse SHOULD wait. I've kept the bills that I am waiting to pay in a "hidden spot" (right on my desk but not obvious) from the beginning so I could find them in an organized way. So I'm not having the common bill paying problem. But other things...
Impatience and the agitation of 'having to wait' to do anything is also part of our world.
What I've seen is more like an impulse to do something, especially related to driving and not being willing to WAIT for weather to clear or circumstances to improve..and there is little anyone can do to keep it from happening. However, I've also noticed an urgency in trying to get some things done that have been of no interest before.. So maybe there IS that indication that my husband understands that there may be a time when he can't do those things. At any rate, yes..that kind of abrupt changing of direction in 'mid-air' almost.. happens here too.
I am new to this group, but already feel like I have found a home. No one understands like another spouse. My H's need to either do it now or HAVE ME DO IT NOW has really increased. It is nothing to have him walk away from me in the middle of even his sentence to do something else. And when he wants something from me or help finding something it no longer matters what I am doing... I must stop and pay attention.Yesterday he met me in the carport when I got home from work and before I could unload groceries I had to take care of something for him. With him I don't think its a fear of forgetting because I honestly think he lost the sense of forgetting along time ago. I just think that whatever he is thinking or feeling is the most important thing or the only thing that matters in his world at that moment. My husband was always a caring loving person but that part of him has been slipping away.
One of the worst things for me is meals. The food is on the table. I'm sitting down and start eating and he gets up and goes to do something. There have been times when I have finised eating before he comes back.
One of the things I experience with meals is his not wanting to leave what he was doing. He grabs his plate and sits in front of the TV. He'll tell me its something he wants to see on TV but then he just flips around the dial. Which by the way is another probelm. He wants me to sit with him but he is unable to stay with any program ( his choice) for any length of time. I haven't seen a whole news program or tv show at one time in I don't know how long.That's probably a good thing.Too much TV isn't good for anyone... but just once in awhile I'ld like to be able complete a news item.!
I had some time yesterday to read some of the past discussions and feel a bit more acquainted with all of you. Thanks for being here and for your brutal honesty. It really helps to have friends now that I hardly leave my husband alone for a few minutes (he shadows). A question off this point - is there a place to find out what the abbreviations are for? I know EOAD but I'm not sure of some of the others, which right now I can't remember - LO? I deal with quite a bit of have to do it now, which is why I am up early today when it would have felt good to sleep a while longer. We usually get up around 6 and if my husband notices it is after 6 he gets distressed if we don't get up. So be it!
I totally am with all of you. My husband hasn't eaten with me for a while. He seems to always be finishing something, or just about to sit down and thinks about something else that can't wait. He doesn't seem to mind eating alone, and he often makes up some food different from what I am having, so I guess we can live with it. I do not call it impulsive. He is disinhibited. Most of us have a screen when we think of doing or saying something, and decide if this is the approrpriate or best time. With AD, that screen has a lot of holes in it! I try not to let it bother me, but I find it troubles me most when we have friends over, and everyone seems to be ready for something, maybe a cup of tea for example, and suddenly he has left the room, house, property, as I am sure most of you have seen. I am left explaining.
Which leads me to another question: Have many of you let friends know what is going on? At what point? And, when do you stop having your spouse drive? My husband just yesterday told me he can sense things are going poorly. He decided to walk today for something he could have taken a vehicle. But, he often walks. When do you have to take that on?
Thanks so much, I am so glad I can ask these questions here. I really have no where else.
Since we live in our motorhome we are constantly meeting new people. The first time I hear DH (now that I know what that means!) say something confusing I say, "He has Alzheimer's". That way we know who to be 'friends' with. Those who are understanding (usually someone with a family history of AD and what that involves) are wonderful. Those who don't want to be involved with us just aren't. More are understanding than not and will answer the same questions a few more times before going off! A side benefit is that most men can't stand watching a woman do the usually male things. When we left the last Park they showed up to hook up our car and I enjoyed a small vacation! Of course, I know how to do all of that, but it is nice to have compassion show up in this way. I am so thankful driving hasn't been an issue. Hank also has Parkinson's and visual problems, so that may be part of the reason.
Why haven't I thought of that? Thanks. I am always fixing things, setting things up, I sometimes think people must think my husband is just awful, but of course, he can't do it anymore. I think I will try your suggestion. It certainly may be easier than trying to cover for things.
When my wife first started showing signs of AD I asked her about telling others. This was partly due to having a close friend with AD who did not tell anyone what was going on. We all just watched her do less and less. We knew what was happening, but could not give any help to the husband until he admitted to us the problem. My wife agreed that we should let people know what the problem is. I agree with frand that by telling others you find out who your friends are. Last week a couple we had just met asked us to join them on a bus trip. They knew the problem and that I was concerned about my wife using public rest room. The wife of the other couple said she would go with my wife to be sure she was OK. That's a real friend!
I've decided to "go public" in our 55+ community. I'm not sure at this point who knows and who doesn't know because I told each group that it was not a secret and they should spread the news around. We will see what happens as the weather improves and all of us begin to leave our homes more to just socialize out in the middle of the road.
I picked up some cards (looked like business cards) - came from some AD group. It simply stated the person has AD so be patient, something like that. They were to give to clerks in grocery stores, wait staff, etc. I never used them, and passed them on to the Support group I was attending then. If anyone is interested I'm sure there is a way to find them though I can't remember how...
I was thinking how even now its hard to tell people. My husband was always a very private person... quite a loner. So for the first few years it was easy to blame his illness on his sleeping disorder. A wrong diagnosis of narcolepsy made it easy for people to understand why he was not going out much. I think of course denial was a big part of it too. Any way a year or so ago I had someone work on the house and he was here for three or four days in a row. On the fourth day he politely asked me what was wrong with my husband. It seems they had had the same conversation about 30 times in three days. It was my wake up call. I started to let people know... Strange for us most of the folks I told have just sort of melted away...I haven't told many people at work because frankly I tear up every single time I tell someone. My husband was never a church goer and although I am, I have had to stop attending this past year. I need to work and so am away from him during the week. I feel I need to spend as much time with him now when he still remembers me and we still can do things together. He definitely does better if I am here. Sometimes I have a urge to just start every conversation with the fact that my husband has alzheimers cause frankly it says more about me or my life at this point than anything else. We had a pretty nice Easter...hope all of you did as well!
"Sometimes I have a urge to just start every conversation with the fact that my husband has alzheimers cause frankly it says more about me or my life at this point than anything else."
Agreed! But I don't usually do it. But you're right that that fact alone sets up a whole back story to your life that explains loads more than "I grow tomatoes," or "my kid is ADD."
Oh no! We are in the Got to do it NOW!!! DH chooses a item to be anxious about and it is a non-stop. Usually these are items on my "to do list". I can't sit down for a minute if making a phone call is on his list (for me to make of course). I've got to do it now! Line busy? Lots of reminders. Doesn't matter what I'm doing. Got to do it now! Or mail something! Now! Then he finds something else to focus on, and his anxiety builds.
Hoping dr. can adjust/prescribe something. Not sure who is more aggravated by this "behavior of the moment"!
Mine is that everything has to be in place by the time he sits down. Including the pills to take AFTER dinner or breakfast. I have to stop meal preparation and make sure it's there. And give him something to do at the table: put salad greens into three bowls, or yesterday - great success - shell peas!! Oh, how good they were, fresh from the farm store. And today he said "oh, you gave me some of MY peas" for lunch. Usually he doesn't remember that stuff is leftover, which does have its advantages!
I try hard to not have everything in my life revolve around the condition. It's hard, as most of our life DOES revolve around the condition! Our counselor says that 'It's all about me' and "Do it now'" is part of the condition. He tells me 'Just wait' when I ask him something... to give him time to try to recall. So I've started using his words "Just wait" or saying "I'll do that in a minute when I'm done with this.' Works fine so far, but DH is in early stages and somewhat rational.
I continue to be amazed at this wonderful exchange. Perhaps it is the "I'm the only one"feeling before I joined. The need to "do it now" has been with us for quite a while. The last one was needing to hook the utility trailer on to the noisy deisel monster truck (a dreadful ordeal by itself now) in the afternoon just as our neighbors babies were napping! This vehicle shakes the rafters...I was able to get it delayed..this time. Fortunately, our young neighbors are incredibly supportive, and would just blow off my concerns, I'm sure, but with three babies right around us....don't want to push it.
I'm bringing this up to the top again because what my husband has been doing fits this topic. Also, the newbies need to see it.
This is basically all about irrational compulsions.
Yesterday he threw away the sunflower seeds I put on my salad. There was one serving left and I didn't have a new bag in the house. He was doing me a favor, he thought.
This morning I found out why we run out of milk so quickly. I stopped him just before he threw away nearly a quart of milk. Why? Because there was a new half gallon in the other refrigerator.
We keep a lot of toilet paper in the cabinets under the sink, but some time last week he took the two packages I had bought and had in one of the garage cabinets out and put them under the sinks too. The towers of paper are so high you can't get at a roll easily. For all I know he threw away whatever didn't fit. And the oldest paper is at the bottom and in the back of the stacks. Who knows if they will even be usable once we get down to the bottom. I probably have a year's worth of paper in those cabinets.
He tends to change paper towels before we are done with the roll. Luckily I grab those and put them in the bathrooms too because I use them to clean the bathrooms.
Got to do it now! None of this is earth shaking, although the milk issue is a bit of a problem. But at least I now have figured out what is going on.
Toothpicks again! He takes a clean paper napkin and carefully wraps up a slightly used toothpick in it. Twists it into a neat little package. Then he takes ANOTHER napkin to wrap up a DIFFERENT used toothpick. We are going through a napkin-holder full of paper napkins every day! I got a little plastic box (from the cherry tomatoes) and cut a hole in the top and said, you can put the toothpick in here. We'll see if that works!
Toilet paper problems here, too. Won't use a roll that's about 2/3 empty. Has to have a new roll.
My wife's father passed away (also of dementia) several years ago. My SIL gave out his possessions to the family, and my DD got an upholstered chair. When she put the chair in her living room, she removed the cushion to give a good going over with Febreeze, and she found a toothpick. And another . And then another! We were laughing uncontrollably as toothpicks were produced from every possible seam of the chair. Over 100 in all, we counted.
Stuffin' toothpicks and hoarding TP. What a weird disease. yhc
Briegull, I have been running into this with soap in the shower stall. I have been getting irritiated about it for may be a year now. It never crossed my mind that it could be a compulsion until you mentioned the tolet paper.
My DH doesn't want to use a bar of soap if it is half used. He could probably get 5 showers out of a bar of soap but after 2 or 3 times, he puts the soap in the sink holder and gets a new bar. He never did this in the past. I will wait until there are two of these smaller bars of soap in the sink dish and "melt" them together and I will use them. We also have major discussions about putting clothes in the wash machine. I do it wrong. He has a certain process that he follows. He turns the water on, puts in the soap, then puts in the clothes. If he catches me putting in the clothes before the soap, or waiting to turn the machine on until after I put the soap and clothes in, boy do I get in trouble. The other day, I turned on the washer, put in the soap and put in part of the clothes and DH called me to watch something quickly on the TV. He then found the washer full of water and not all the clothes in yet. He didn't understand how the rest of the clothes would fit since the water had already filled up. I ended up putting the clothes in and pushed them down by hand. They fit just fine. Major discussion about my senseability level. There are other things too, but these two drive me nuts.
Oh, how funny, Mary. It never occurred to me... I prefer to do what you do, melt the used bars together, been doing that for years. My husband started throwing them away, and it was really irritating. I've been trying to convince myself that soap doesn't cost all that much. It never occurred to me it was part of the AD...
Mine threw them away too, for a while. I would find them and take them out of the garbage. So, I guess, who had the bigger complusion?? May be me?? When I told him that we could use them to wash our hands, he started putting them in the soap dish.
I might as well enter into the fray...here it is recycling items. One at a time they go out to be deposited...sometimes in the correct container, but more often not...but..just one at a time!At least that is easy to deal with for now. I guess we are hitting the "frugal" thing now too...scares me pea green to start all this little stuff that will grow. We agreed to toss a pair of shoes that were beyond sad. Today I suggested we hit up the Nordie sale to replace the shoes.."What shoes? Don't remember that, and I'm not going to Nordstrom for shoes (volume greatly increased) they are too expensive!" This from someone who has just given away several thousand $$$ of R/C airplanes and accessories! And to someone we can't use as a legal deduction. Just the start???
My husband wouldn't let us buy him clothes for several years before the diagnosis. I finally just went out and bought him all new pjs (winter, in-between and summer), new underwear, new long sleeved shirts (we used to live in a hot climate and now in a cold one), new zipped sweaters (can't managed the sweat shirts he used to love, anymore) and new jeans. In short new almost everything.
And I just located a dozen t-shirts that have never had the tags taken off them. Brand new and never worn. There were new dress shorts as well, but those are now in the rotation.
He also was always the kind of person who knew how to do your job better than you did. Something like Mary and the washing machine. He can't figure out how my front loader works or he'd be telling me how to do that too. We did an awful lot of things his way - handling the garbage was the weirdest. Slowly but surely we are changing to my way.
But I still can't get both doors open so a breeze will go through the house when the temperatures are just beautiful outside. ...[sigh]...
None of this stuff is earth shaking, but it is the day to day stuff that makes the caregiver nuts unless s/he finds out that all of the LOs are doing some or all of this and that it is the disease that is making their lives irrational. Once you find out, you can let a lot of your upset go. And get on with stuffing the clothes into the washing machine. <grin>
I think bit by bit we get snookered into doing things their way just to avoid a flare up. Somewhere along the way we lose a bit of ourselves. With my husband in an ALF I am finding my way back and enjoying the process.
And my husband expects ME to 'do it now' when he thinks of it. Our counselor says this is very common. Kind of like the 16 yr old 'everything revolves around me' syndrome. Good luck!
Oh yes. It isn't just he needs to do it now, I do too. Stop whatever I am doing and take care of something that could wait for a year if it needed to, RIGHT NOW.
So this afternoon I found ALL the toothpicks in the disposal box. I moved them back before he noticed. At dinner, he would take out a toothpick, pick one tooth, and put it in the disposal box. Then another and another. And I confess that after he left the room, I took them out, threw away a gross one, and put all the rest back in the available box. Neither my DD nor I use them ever.
so THAT was funny, but mostly he started sundowning again. I'm going to have to up his dosage of neurontin, or fill the prescription for Seroquel they gave me from the hospital.
Starling, so the refusal to buy new clothes is also part of the process? My husband is starting to look a little raggedy, but adamant against going shopping, even though he used to be extremely conscious of looking his best, threw things away long before I thought they needed to go.
I figure there's no point in arguing right now, because I imagine we're going to need to shop for different kinds of clothes (easier to put on, etc) in the reasonably near future. In the meantime, if he doesn't mind that his shirt cuff is worn, why should I...
Briegull, you mentioned sundowning and upping the neurontin dose? my DH was just put on 100mg (lowest ) or those pesky myclonic ticks, a month ago, works very well so far. my stepson takes 900mg for diebetic neuropathy, pain in the legs. does your higher dose help with the sundowning? if so, how? my DH doesnt seem to have any bad side effects fromt he low dose. very mild nap at midday. just curious. i am sure the neuro would up it a bit if needed- just checking for 'future' usage -divvi
Wow!, using just half bar of soap and throwing away the last 1/3 roll of toilet paper is part of AD? I have been retrieving and putting the half used soap and toilet tissue in my bathroom for a long time now and just opening a new bar and roll of tissue for his bathroom. The things you learn on this web site!
I think the clothes thing is dementia related. I needed to buy my husband new clothes because the old ones weren't warm enough for winter. Haven't gotten him anything new for summer because he has more than enough and isn't even wearing some of what he had.
I didn't realize about the pull up pants or I wouldn't have gotten him a totally new pants wardrobe, but frankly every pair had at least one hole in it. He wouldn't wear the kind with elastic at this point anyway.
He's been on 2 100mg neurontin in the evening for awhile. That worked against the sundowning. The doctor at the hospital prescribed 25 mg seroquel/4 times a day. I didn't fill it but the last couple of nights he's been difficult at night so I filled it today and gave him one of the seroquel at dinner time along with the neurontin and namenda. But then he didn't get upstairs before it apparently took effect so it was almost impossible to get him into the stair glide chair, and it truly took one hour by the clock to get him from the dinner table down the hall to the stairs then down the hall to his room and into bed. His steps were approximately 3" at a time, with the walker.
THis can't go on. I almost couldn't get him into bed. Tomorrow I'm going to try one more neurontin (the neurologist had suggested IT) and nothing of seroquel.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should even TRY to get him up. Just let him lie in bed as much and as long as he wants. Today, though, was a tough day for both of us - I had to go up about 60 miles to my son's and on the way a front wheel on the car almost fell off so I had to leave that car in Arlington, bring my son's second car home with me and make plans to get my own car next week after it's repaired. Scary! My husband didn't sleep at all, all day, which may have occasioned the reaction tonight.
thanks Briegull, for you input on the neurontin. we tried seroquel made him nastier so we went on zyprexa. dont want to go that route unles there is aggitaition. its pretty potent. good luck -at least hes sleeping good. divvi
Every since I told my husband in front of his doctor that he leaves the milk out on the counter or on top of the refrigerator every time he goes in for iced tea or water, now what he does is every time he closes the refrigerator or freezer he knocks on it 3 times. At first I was thinking it was happening a few times, but now paying close attention every time he goes in the frig and closes it he will knock on it 3 times. I don't know what that means. Another thing is everytime we go to the store he has to buy bird and rabbit food to feed outdoor animals in the back yard. He is turning my beautiful patio into droppings everywhere because he keeps feeding them. I was told this is OCD also.
Everytime I think I know something... I come here and get a reality check.. This thread is one long light bulb moment for me! My husband does so many of these things.. We recycle one thing at a time.... sits on my counter long before it goes out, he takes things out of the garbage, questions almost everything I put into the garbage. ( I actually bag stuff in non-garbage nice bags to take to work so I can throw out) I get asked for a new bar of soap every other day ( he doesn't remember where I keep it although its in the same closet for 30 years)
And to say that he has a special procedure for garbage bags and throwing away trash would be an understatement.
I can't really say these things bother me that much so far... As long as he can keep up his routines he remains pretty calm and happy. If he wants to save garbage bags and hoard them, its fine with me...
When I ask why he is wearing the same shirt again, I always get the same answer. He wants to save me doing so much laundry.We have this conversation daily...
He thinks many of these things help save money..He has become frugal in very strange ways.
To me these are the less awful part of AD.. I truly do dread the future.
I wanted to bring this topic back up because it really is all about the weird compulsive things our LOs do. I did manage to get back control over the garbage situation. We now use the garbage can in the kitchen for garbage. Amazing, isn't it? At this point I think he has forgotten about using all of the small bags, one for each meal, instead.
The new compulsive thing is turning off the air conditioner at night. This year we haven't needed it overnight much, so it hasn't been a real problem. He doesn't undertand that the big compressor outside is the air conditioning for the entire house. He complains that "that thing" is on almost every night. And he still has an objection to having windows and doors open once it does cool down. I wait until he has gone to bed and open the house up again to cool it off.
does anyone's LO do the nightlight thing? Every night around 6pm he calls himself closing the house up and he has a ritual of putting nightlights in every room and turning them on,checking all windows, burners on stove. He waits for me to go upstairs as if this is my cue that it is time for everyone to go up to bed......the bad thing is it is only 6pm and I am not ready to go to bed...too early. I always say to him I am staying down here watching tv, but he insists for me to come up with him and then he tries to set the alarm.
My husband also closes up the house about 6 every night. All windows have to be closed and all shades drawn even when it doesn't get dark for another couple of hours. I can sometimes get him to leave the doors open until 7, but that is about it. And, although he doesn't manage to make me go to bed with him when he leaves the living room at 8:30 he is SHOCKED that I'm not going to bed until 11 or 11:30.
Instead of turning on night lights, he shuts the door to the bathroom where the night light lives. Too much light to go to sleep, he says. It is totally ridiculous since I know better. That night light is a real bone of contention since he sometimes tries to close that door in the middle of the night too. One of these days I am going to break my neck as a result. I'm the one who needs the light to safely get into the bathroom.
We went to bed at different times for years when we were still working because he started work so much earlier than I did, so he wasn't used to me going to bed at the same time as he did. Which helps.
I understand that my son-in-law's father, who has dementia too, and who lives in Honduras, also closes up the house at a very early hour. And considering the temperatures down there in the summer, it sounds like total misery.
My husband is just as convinced as your husband is that HE is the responsible one who has to make sure the "little woman" is safe. Considering what is actually going on, it is totally ridiculous.