Hey, the most wonderful thing in the world happened to me last night. I was sitting at my computer (filling out a FAFSA form for financial assistance for college in the Fall) when I got a phone call. Went to answer, caller had hung up. This happened twice more. Looked at the caller ID. It was ARI! So, I called her back and asked her what was up (she didn't pick up....so I left the message on voice mail). A few minutes later, she called me. She said she just felt like she had to talk to me and tell me everything that was going on in her life.....and that she loved me and missed me! sThen, I got a chance to tell her that I had gotten a ream of paperwork from John's former divorce attorney....her name wasn't mentioned in it once, as a person of note or contact! I had accused her and her sister of taking that action in their dad's name and interest back then. Nope. It was John's sister, my stepdaughter and stepson. So, I got to make ammends for that as well as once more apologizing for popping off at her when I was in such a frenzy (telling her to consider herself on her own and an orphan). She accepted that. Admitted she's been a handful and that I've always 'had her back' when she was pregnant at 15, going through rehab several times, rescuing her from various problems in the wee hours of the morning across the county. She talked to her daddy, too, who was in bed but still awake. WOW, I HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!
Jen, I am so happy you were able to talk to your daughter! You two have been through a lot, together and separate - now it's time to get back together if you can, while you both can enjoy each other. Good luck!
and so it goes with mothers and their daughters. God Bless 'em. I have had similar experiences over the half century I've been blessed with a daughter, and we love each other dearly. Just need to remember where the lines are drawn, when to just "let it go" and let her have her lead or head. I always strived to raise my daughter to be a self sufficient, independent woman - and I did a great job of it...a little too good of a job! Even her political leanings are 180 degrees opposite of mine! :-)
Jen, that is just wonderful....I hope this is the start of some really great things.....family is so important.....makes me happy after the tragic loss of Mary's daughter....you just never know when the last time really is the last time.
You might want to say you need to check on the liability of co-signing "at this particular time" and suggest she come over and together you can discuss it. If it was me, I would do it.....it's what parents do...and she is still young. I will bend over backwards with my children. It's not like she is asking for money to buy something trivial.
I have cautioned my children against borrowing money for their children's college because with they don't have savings except for retirement and EVERY money manager I have ever read says do not do it. My children are doing it anyway. So, we will see. I have no idea how they expect to pay these loans if their children forfeit on payments. Those loans HAVE to be repaid and if you take out bankrupcy you are still on the line for them. Thankfully, we were able to pay for our 3 children's college without borrowing money but costs were way lower back then.
Jen, do not co-sign. There are plenty of loan programs for college students that do not require a co-signer. She needs to do some more work to find those. You are going to put yourself in a terrible position if you do that.
YOu might call your banker and see if they have a student loan program she can get in her own name. Help her with this so she won't turn on you again. I am sure that together, you will be able to work this out amicably..I understand your dilemma, and understand you want her in your life and you NEED her in your life. Work together to get this solved. I know that college is horribly expensive now.. Books alone can cost $1000 a semester. Tuition is $13-$25,000 a year. You said this was just a contuining education course, though, so maybe it will not be that much. Tread lightly. Use your head. You made it through the first hurdle with the health care people, this is just Step 2. Finesse.... Folks, she needs her daughter. I know..Been there. A hard NO is not the answer here, regardless of daughter's timing. I've been there...I speak from experience.
A hard NO is not needed. Working together with daughter to find a solution to the problem OTHER THAN CO-SIGNING is needed. Co-signing a loan carries the same responsibility as taking the loan out yourself and with your already precarious financial situation would be very detrimental. I know you already have too many worries but maybe you could do some research work for daughter to help her find another source of funding for her education. I've lived in a college town for over 40 years and many of these kids work to put themselves through school. It's hard, but it's doable even in these tough times. Good luck to you and daughter.
Agree with Weejun. and I think that is what I said (finally)..and if let her you are there "with her"..she'll feel your support without it being a hand out from Mom. I was a single mom for 21 years and our family motto was "we'll work it out"..and usually did.
From what you have said, I doubt you could pass a credit check anyway, so they wouldn't let you co-sign. At least that is my understanding. Just explain that to her.
Re-establishing contact and support is all well and good but not under these circumstances. the phone call was obviously with the intent of getting the co=signer for the loan. and its difficult to say that with the ongoing struggles of mom/daughter tensions, she may want the loan without ANY intentions of ever repaying it and leaving you holding the bag for repayments which will never go away.
i agree no co-signing and suggest student programs and a parttime job. this you can offer to help her find. divvi
A BIG DITTO to all of the above. Do not cosign. We are so desparate to have our children in our lives that we will do anything to tie them to us but her history does not warrant this cosigning. I agree with Charlotte-they may not even let you cosign. Try to work it out another way. Talk to the financial people at the school to get options. Good luck.
Thanks, everyone. I'm so confused. The school she wants to attend is in New York City. Right now, she is the manager of a posh day-spa in Richmond. She wants to attend this course of training in makeup design, some training also, that would make her able to work with a dermatologist (facial dermabrasion, lazer hair removal, stuff like that) and some other things. It is only about $8,000 and will only take a few months to get her certification. Her credit rating and overall debt makes it impossible for her to find a loan. The type of school she wants to attend offers no financial aid. Gov't loans are not available for her for this kind of school. Not a traditional school......more of an extention of cosmetology school. She found out that if she had a cosmotology license, she would qualify for a certain type of loan. *sigh* I could dig it out of my "stash" of savings.....but it scares me. I'd write up a contract and have it notarized so it's not just a "gift" and she'd have to pay it back. Also, she was talking about having found some agency that would act as a "go between" for us.....I'd give them the money, they'd dole it out to her as she needed it and after her school is over, she would make payments to the agency and they would forward a check to me. Sounds like it would be more expensive for her, but maybe not considering her credit score. No, I don't think any loan corp. would let me co-sign because basically, I HAVE NO INCOME except John's SS and a small disability income every month. Was considering selling my silver service and place settings.?????
Jen, do not do this. The "agency" thing sounds really weird. Why don't you tell her that you can't do this because it would be considered dumping your assets to qualify John for Medicaid? That is probably true anyway.
:( Texas Joe, I guess this means disapproval. You Texans have your own language. "Hump day" and "you'all". Sounds like a fun place to live. Stuntgirl, as for your daughter: you really don't need any more complications or stress in your life. Whatever way you can handle it, do. The others have offered you some good outs, and I urge you to protect yourself.
No. no. no. no.!!!! Just tell her you don't have the finances or loan power to do it either. And that is telling the truth. Tell her in a loving way, that you wish you could help her but your advisors say you CAN"T. (We are your advisors, aren't we?)
I'm not kidding about that dumping assets to get Medicaid business. What if you give her the money and they deny John Medicaid because of that, or come back at you to have it included in your assets? Big trouble.
This is a little bit "off subject", but still related. I have been told that a local salon is a Paul Mitchell Studio. Franchise. The owners have set up their own Paul Mitchell Beauty Shool, which they run and earn all $$. They encourage their beauticians to attend this school at a high price...to be certified Paul Mitchell stylists. The person who told me this works for an Arveda Salon and her owner has set up the same thing. (About $9500/for the certification). BUT, the certification is only recognized in the respective salons. -- My stylist was telling me, privately, that she thinks this is the new thing with franchise and their owners...and a way to get money out of their beauticians. These girls have been through Beauty College and bave state licenses. ... I would be sure the school Jen's daughter is truly one that is recognized by all spas in all areas and with all dermatologists. Just a comment. Too many scams out there.... from "you can be a model" to "you can be a financial wizard" by sending in a check today. I'm learning to read between the lines, actually. Is there a way to check up on the state license of this school. Odd that they are not "eligible for student grants". It may be a privately owned school that could close down two weeks after she paid her money to them. I've seen that happen here in Houston with Health Clubs and Plastic Surgeon type facilities.
Nancy......YESSS! The place she works for is an Aveda Spa Salon....sort of a jazzed up Aveda Studio salon. YES, I will now ask a lot of new questions. THANKS!
Oooooooooooooooooooooh, be careful. The Aveda beautician said it is an ongoing sale pitch and it's not worth the money. I would rather her go to a licensed massage clinic or a licensed esthetiscian school and get valid certifications issued by the state. THOSE ARE THE ONES that a dermatologist hire. You have a dermotologist for John, why not talk to her about who they would hire if they wanted to hire assistants...an Arveda girl or a state licensed (how ever you spell it) esthetician. I'll email you a link to an article I found on this. You will be helping her and it will give you a diversion and you'll be helping your daughter. Nancy
The "agency" as third party is another scam as I see it. I'll vote with the others who have voted "negatori". My hb has answered so many ads, etc. re schools, jobs at home, etc. I don't trust anything on TV, junk mail, "we'll loan you $, etc. I've "followed" along behind him and cancelled, returned, etc. countless things. So, I'm suspicious of EVERYTHING.
Reminds me of the University of Phoenix.....get a degree in 2 or 3 yrs...but their accreditation is poor and not widely accepted, and their curriculum is very subsstandard......but it is a great money maker....it is the students who are getting robbed..
Jen, From experience, I would say that a loan will not be repaid. Either give it as a gift or don't give it at all. If she continues to press you to co-sign, talk to your elder attorney who I am sure will say no. Let him be the "bad guy."
May I add my two cents worth? Jen, please do not sign anything. Your DH is going on Medicaid and if you do make a gift to your daughter, you'll not get the Medicaid for your DH. Everyone has given you very good advice. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. I read that someplace.
It would be perfectlyhonest to tell your daughter that your own credit is pretty shakey and you need every dime for your DH.
I would encourage her to get further certification in order that she can work "anywhere she wants" in the future...If she gets Aveda certification, she'll be limited to working for the owner in, want of a better word, a beauty salon. They do well, don't get me wrong, but encourage her to recognize her talent, and say if she gets her license through an independent state approved agency, she could even go into business for herself. Can you image, EVERYONE, knowing someone who would come to our homes, and give us a facial and a massage with professional products. That would be a business for many elders that would pay well. Not focusing on only CAREGIVERS, but rather women who for whatever reasons, would prefer to have the services in their home. She could charge 1.5 times or even double and many women would gladly pay. There is a woman in the Clemson SC area who is a licensed massage therapist, has her own massage table and shes cmes to the home with her services. She brings her music tapes, candles, sheets, and sets up -- My friend says it is heavenly!!! (Pam, do you know who this is..?? Ask Mickey.)
Encourage Ariel to go to a licensed school with grants/scholarships/finance programs, and to be all she can be!!!! I hope she can see the big picture here and not limit herself to Aveda salons.. In this day and age, Aveda (the parent company) could even go bankrupt and where would she be then? ON THE OTHER HAND... if she has state certification and LICENSE, would Aveda honor that? Betcha they would.